[Jane]
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(Month 6)
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What the hell happened? My life has taken a spiral since I came to the US. I left South Korea with such inspiration, passion and hope to make things better for me yet here I am, sitting on a hard chair, in a public clinic waiting to be attended to by one of the many doctors here. The money that I was to inherit from my dad was still going through paperwork and I literally just had a few hundred dollars from what I had since I left home. So when Delia 'kicked' me out of her apartment, I had to find lodging, relatively cheap and in walking distance to a free women's clinic. Thanks to the yellow pages and the pharmacist at a pharmacy close by, I was able to rent a room and join the health facility. The pharmacist felt sorry for me when I came to get some pre-maternal advice and medication.
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At the call of my name, I went in to the room where I was examined by a nurse and a doctor. At least they followed procedure. Everything was fine and I was thankful but during the doctor/patient discussion I was advised as to if I really wanted my child and if I considered giving it up for adoption.
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'Adoption?' It was something that I never thought of but the doctor saw that I had no family, no friends and the fact that I was so young and still looking for a job, he asked me to give it some thought.
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'There are many young girls out there who have opted to give up their babies especially to couples who can't have any on their own. I'm not saying to just give up your baby to anyone but to consider the programme we have here,' and he proceeded to show me the cases of the many families they helped through surrogacy and adoption.
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I wondered now if that's why the pharmacist suggested that I came to this particular clinic. They all assumed that I wouldn't want the baby seeing that I wouldn't be able to afford to take care of it especially as I didn't currently have a job. He told me to think about it and he gave me some material to read more into the process.
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Honestly, the thought was never in my mind. I wanted to keep my baby even though I wasn't sure how I was going to take care of it. Thoughts of going back home were never an option either. I was too ashamed to go back. Telling Aunt Geo-Roo might not be a problem but I know she would insist that I tell Daehyun and that would be catastrophic. I tried to imagine me explaining to him that even though I broke up with him and left everything and everyone, that I was now pregnant for him and wanted to come back. His mother would blow off the roof and his father would disown him. And that's going on the hope that Dae himself would believe me. They would probably think that I met someone here and got pregnant but the guy dumped me and now I was looking for someone to take care of me and the baby. I was not even between a rock and a hard place: I was cemented under the hard place with rocks covering me, laughing at me while I squirmed to break free. Freedom...
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'The Land of the Free...' Wow! This wasn't what I wanted or even what I thought would happen. I went back home with my meds and my reading material, hoping that something would happen to guide me towards me having a life with my baby.
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(Month 8)
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Wow! It's been two months since I last wrote and so much has happened. I got a small job, in the same pharmacy where I first came. The pharmacist, Ms. Smith, was very kind to me. She said I reminded her of her own daughter who was away studying medicine. She said if her daughter was in a strange country with no family or friends, she would hope that someone, a trustworthy stranger, would help her out in times of need. Ms. Smith asked me to help pack items on the shelf and to help customers find the items they needed. She even gave me time off to attend clinic and asked me to work from 8am to 3pm, giving me 15 minute breaks and 1 hour for lunch. It reminded me of my primary school days but I was very thankful especially when she made healthy lunches for me and gave me just above the minimum wage. It was enough for me to survive.
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The only thing though, when I told her about my dreams of becoming an actress, her advice was a bit bittersweet. 'Sweetie... You are almost ready to have your baby. What will you do with him if you get a calling for an audition? And what will happen if you get the part or don't get the part because of your responsibilities?'
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This wasn't something that I didn't think of before. It was always on my mind. Do I still follow my dreams of being an actress or do I go down the path of being a young single mother doing menial jobs? I told her about the doctor's suggestion of adoption.
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She looked at me and I saw a sadness in her eyes, 'Would you do that?' She asked.
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'I don't know but it is an option. There are many couples out there who want babies and it would mean that my baby will be properly taken care of.' I was thinking more and more about it but whenever the little critter would move inside of me, my heart jolted with love for him.
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Ms. Smith looked at me and smiled, 'Sweetie, we're living in a more modern world now. Back in my days we would have to sneak around and lie to our parents if we found ourselves in that situation. Now a-days young people have many choices: to have their babies and be independent or to give up their babies and be independent. Either way, independence is the main focus, not the child. So that choice is totally yours.'
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Freedom... Independence... These were traits that I longed for... Would keeping my child help me to gain these goals? Or would giving him up to people who really could give him a decent life not just help them but also help me further my goals, my dreams? I had a lot to think about in a short space of time.
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(Month 9)
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I can't think anymore... What the fuck?
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(Month 9: Day 1)
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What do I do? Why the hell did this happen? I can't think straight so I've opted to write to clear my head and my thoughts. Just last month, after my conversation with Ms. Smith, I decided to keep my baby. I was going to give him a chance to be with me and live a simple life on our own. My dad's inheritance was going to take another few months to finalise but I was sure that the money would come in to help us. I still had my job at the pharmacy and everything was going okay until my water broke.
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I was excited and scared at the same time. I was ready to finally have my baby. I was taken into the birthing room where the doctor gave me the instructions to push. It felt like a watermelon was coming out of my vagina which wasn't good at all. Finally when I pushed for the last time, I felt the entire melon slipping out. Thank God! The doctor shouted, 'It's a boy', but then there was an eerie silence. I heard only the whispers of the doctors and nurses. They were talking over me and I heard words like umbilical cord and injuries... I was in so much pain that I barely understood what they were saying.
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It was then I realised, I didn't hear my baby's cries. So I screamed out, 'Where's my baby? Is he okay?'
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A nurse came up to me and patted my head, 'Are you okay? Don't worry. We're taking care of him right now but we need to fix you up.' By that she meant taking out my placenta etc. It was seriously nerve wrecking but eventually the doctor came up to me and explained.
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'Your baby had some problems coming out of the passage. Apparently the umbilical cord had wrapped around his leg and when we pulled him out, it squeezed his leg causing it to break. It's called 'Nuchal Cord' causing birth injuries. Now, don't worry. He's fine but there's not much we can do here to help him. We don't have the facilities or the skill here but there is a hospital that specializes in situations like this. We can fly you and your baby there so he will get the best surgeries and treatment.'
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I was hearing but not really hearing. All I heard were 'break, injuries, surgeries and treatment.' So in my drunken-post-labour-anxiety, I signed the documents for me and my baby to go to the specialized hospital. What a way to start our life together...
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(Month 9: Day 2)
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'NO! NO! NO! WHYYYYYYYYYY????'
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OMG! I was in the fancy and posh specialized hospital organizing the details for my newborn son to have the re-constructive surgery he needed to put his bones back in place. Thankfully they had a special programme that helped people like me who couldn't afford to make the payments. It was while I was reading the contract that I heard the cries of a woman down the hall.
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I looked at the worried nurse in front of me and asked, 'What's going on?'
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She looked at me and smiled, 'Oh. Don't you worry about that sweetie...' and she continued to help me with the paperwork for the aftercare for my baby.
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I looked at her and I could see the sadness in her eyes. The woman's cries were softer but I could still hear her. Then I saw a gentleman walking down the corridor. He was Asian just like me. He was wearing a suit but his tie was almost out. He began to pace the floor and I noticed he was also crying.
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Then I overheard the nurse whispering to the other nurse, 'I don't think the baby made it...'
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Omg... I peeped back to the dad down the corridor and he was kneeling on the floor, sobbing his eyes out. A nurse came up to him but he kept his head down. Then the doctor came out and got him to stand up and follow him inside the room.
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I finished filling out the documents and went to sit down. About thirty minutes after, another nurse came up to me, 'Excuse me, your baby has just come out of surgery. Would you like to see him?'
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'Yes please,' I answered eagerly and I followed her down the same corridor I saw the crying dad. When I passed the room, I couldn't help but look in, only to see the dad/man hugging a woman on the bed. The doctor was talking with them but the woman kept on crying.
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I didn't even realised that I had stopped and was staring at the scene until the nurse gently touched my arm, 'Be thankful...'
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'What happened to them?' I asked even though I wasn't sure she would give me an answer. But unlike the other nurse, this one opened up to me.
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'They lost their baby. He came in yesterday just like your baby with multiple birth injuries. Apparently, the young nurse at the hospital where the baby was born, dropped him and his head and shoulder had been damaged. She said he slipped right out of her arms but that was because she didn't wrap him properly. Poor thing. I heard she lost her job.'
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The young nurse was yapping more about the other nurse's situation but I was more concerned about the baby and the couple. 'So what about them?'
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'Hmm... Well they're still young enough to have another child, I guess. Plus most of these people have tons of money. I'm sure if they can't make another one, they'll probably buy one.'
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Omg... 'Why would you say it like that?'
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'Because it's the truth. I've only been here for a year and I've seen it happen more than once. This hospital is literally a break-it/make-it institution. They are really good at what they do: giving proper care and services for those needing reconstructive surgeries. The place is designed to helping anyone no matter their age but we tend to get quite a few babies with birthing injuries, like yours.'
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'Oh well then that's great.'
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But the nurse didn't look too happy, 'Yeah it is but they depend on their patients' families to keep the hospital running. So to keep the place alive, the administrators are 'forced' to give in to whatever their patients want. No matter the outcome.'
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I wonder what she meant when she said that but I didn't ask anything else about it because we came up to the room they kept the babies in. I looked at the cots and saw there was only one bundle cuddled up in a blanket... My son.
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I paused and I looked at the cot as the nurse went up to him and stood over him. When she did that, a strange feeling came over me. He wasn't moving and there was a cast on his leg. The nurse bade me to come over but my legs were stuck. It was almost as though my leg was broken and I couldn't move. The nurse eventually came up to me and took my hand. She led me to the crib where my baby was and all I saw were the strands of black hair peeping out of the blanket.
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'You can't hold him as yet because his leg still needs to heal. Plus he's sleeping. They gave him a mild sedative so he could sleep. Right now, the IV attached to his hand is his only nutrient but when he's strong enough, you'll be able to feed him.'
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Hold him? Feed him? Take care of him when he's strong enough? My mind and body were spinning and instead of me feeling thankful that my baby survived, I was feeling overwhelmed. What was wrong with me? Why wasn't I feeling that maternal instinct to be happy that I had a baby and was now going to be responsible for taking care of him... for the rest of my life?
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'Choices...' I kept hearing that word which was spoken to me many times by many different people during my pregnancy. It was haunting me making me feel guilty about what I really wanted to do. The nurse excused herself as she went to see about something but I didn't move. I remained there just looking at the cast on his leg.
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When he moved his hand a bit, I jumped. How can I take care of him? Would I know what to do? Especially with a child with injuries like him. I didn't know what to do and as I was about to leave, I saw the couple earlier walking further down the corridor. The woman looked in and saw me. She looked at me and then at my baby and immediately broke down in tears. Her husband looked at me and the baby and grabbed his wife tenderly. Their faces were agonizing and my heart thumped for them. It was then I realised that I had more feelings for them than my own child.
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I looked as the doctor and nurses were helping the couple to walk towards another room. Silently I moved and came out of the room. I followed them and saw that they were taken to the room where their dead baby was. I saw as the woman held her child as the man held the both of them and their pains were released loudly. They were both crying profusely. I looked at the bundle in her arms and I saw the same set of black hair peeping out. My heart thumped again and I felt more emotional for the dead baby in the lady's arms than my own child.
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It was then that I decided to make the best/worse decision of my life. I knocked on the door and walked into the room.
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(Month 10)
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Words can't express how I feel... Pain, anger, joy, relief... In the few moments of feeling the couples' emotional burden of losing their child, I decided to give them mine. The doctors and nurses were shocked but they understood my situation. They gave me a chance to speak with the couple alone.
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'Sir, Madam, I want you to know that I have never really felt a connection with my baby. His father and I aren't together and my decision to have the baby out of wedlock will bring shame not only to my family but to his. I had so many plans to improve myself when I left South Korea but they all came crashing when I found out I was pregnant with him.'
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They listened to my entire story and when I told them that I was seeing a woman, they got confused. The man asked, 'So the father of the baby, does he know about him?'
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I shook my head, 'No. I never told him but he is of Korean descent and his family is a good family. They have good traits and are well off.' I knew they would be concerned about the baby's lineage.
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The man started to ask me questions about me being promiscuous with other men or if I was a drinker or smoker but the lady stopped him, 'Stop it... She's...' She looked at me and I finally saw a glimmer of hope in her eyes, 'She's a good girl. I can tell.'
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The husband wasn't looking too pleased but his wife was different. When she took my hand, I felt a peace I hadn't felt before. Then she asked me, 'Are you sure this is something you really want to do?' I nodded and then she took her husband's hand and I literally saw him ease. This woman was a peaceful and kind-hearted person and I immediately saw a vision of her, taking care of my baby, loving him, being with him and helping him throughout his life. She would give him the love that I probably wouldn't be able to give him and right then, I knew I made the right choice. Or did I?
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(Month 10)
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My baby stayed in the hospital for a few weeks and while he was recuperating, I was signing documents to give him to this lovely couple. The father wasn't too keen at first but from the moment he held the child, I saw his eyes light up. He looked at me through the large glass window and he mouthed 'thank you' to me. I bowed my head and walked away. I came into the hospital feeling broken and lost and left feeling happy and relieved. My baby was going to be able to live a good life. He will love his parents as though they were his own and whether or not they choose to tell him, it would be up to him whether he wants to meet with me or his father.
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I was thankful that even though I was giving up full custody of my child to them, there was still room for me wanting to know him as he got older. The lady said even though she understood my situation, she didn't want me to feel any pain later on in life. The only condition they asked was that I couldn't appeal to take him back fully from them but if I wanted to be in his life, they would make arrangements for that to happen.
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'You're young, right now,' she said to me, 'Supposing when you get older and you can't have any more children like me. I had to do a hysterectomy after having my baby because of complications during birth. And because of that I can't have any more naturally so you understand my pains of losing my baby. If you want to know how he's doing, we can keep in touch. You seem like a really nice girl and I am eternally grateful for what you've done for us so I won't stop you from wanting to be a part of his life but if you choose not to, I'll still respect that.'
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I couldn't believe that I was going to be given another chance at my dreams and goals. Leaving the hospital without the baby didn't seem wrong and I was thankful that I had chosen the right couple to take care of him. I wished them well and went back to my apartment.
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I told Ms. Smith everything that had happened. She just hugged me and said, 'If ever you need me, I'll be there,' and with that I was onward to the next stage of my life.
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(Month 12/ One Year)
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It's been exactly one year since I came to America and I'm finally headed in the direction that I wanted. Lily Thomas-Park was my idol and when I found out that she was one of the three persons on the panel of judges at my next audition, I was nervous as hell. She was making a movie about a woman in her late thirties who was feeling like her life was meaningless but found solace in the people around her. The character that I was auditioning for was one of the many people she encountered.
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Did I say I was nervous? I couldn't even look at her but when she asked me a very personal question, I looked directly into her soul.
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'So Jane, in this movie there will be a few scenes that would be considered controversial. By that I mean your character will be intimately involved with the main character.' She looked at me and paused. When I didn't react she thought I didn't understand so she explained it a lot simpler, 'It means that they became lovers. Are you okay with doing a few scenes like that?'
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I didn't know what to say because being gay or bisexual was never a criteria for the role. There wasn't any question about my sexual preference so I answered her as best as I could, 'You want to know if I'm okay with gay scenes. Well, I am bisexual. As a matter of fact my last relationship was with a girl.'
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She looked at me quizzically and pointed out, 'You said 'your last relationship was...'. Is it that you're not together anymore?'
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I shook my head, 'No. We broke up not too long after I came here.'
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'Was it your decision or hers?'
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I swallowed my pride and gave them a partial truth, 'She broke it off with me. She thought we were going on two different paths so she didn't want to waste any time with me.'
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Lily just rocked back in her chair and looked at me. The other judges were already happy with me. They loved the fact that I spoke English so well and that I also spoke fluent Korean and Spanish. I was hired and sent to Lily's dressing cabin to have a one-on-one talk with her. Yet again I was nervous as hell and I took hours just looking for the right outfit to wear. I decided to put on my yellow and white wool top with a straight yellow knee-length skirt along with tan sandals on my feet and very little makeup and perfume. My hair had grown longer especially during my pregnancy so I tied it in a bun. I was definitely looking 'sweet' and I smiled as I took a basket of cookies and sweets for her.
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'Come in,' she said as I knocked on the cabin door.
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The studio was her husband's and it was so big that they had little cabins all around each set. Each little house had everything in it, living room, TV room, kitchen and two bedrooms. As I entered I was enthralled. The place was relatively small but beautiful. There were a few antiques and it smelt divine. Lily looked at me and smiled, 'I'm making dumplings. Would you like some?'
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I nodded and followed her. I was feeling like a kid again and I just made a new friend. We sat down and talked with each other while eating dumplings and cookies. She took out a bottle of wine and we sipped. I was not really a drinker but the sweet flow of the liquor just made the food taste even sweeter and Lily more beautiful. She really was a beauty and I could see why her fans adored her: me included. Then she dropped a bomb-shell on me.
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'Jane, I've invited you here because we will be engaging in a few small displays of affection but there will be one scene that is extremely private. I've asked you to come to help me.'
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'Huh?' I was dumbstruck. I thought that Lily, who was the professional and experienced actress, invited me over to help little amateur me but I was wrong. So wrong.
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Lily giggled at my stupidity, 'You're so cute when you're clueless. But yes, I've never done a girl-girl action before and when you said that you're bisexual, I thought that maybe you would know how to make our scenes more realistic.'
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'Oh now I understand...' and now I giggled which made her giggle again. 'Well honestly, I don't really have much experience with relationships but I enjoy sex. Being in a relationship with both a man and a woman has its great features but also its downfalls. The guy I was with was really gentle and soft with me whereas the girl I was with loved hard-core fucking.'
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I saw her face turn from pale white to strawberry red in an instant. Then I realised that she wasn't just inexperienced with females but also to someone being open and raw with her. I sat back in my seat, making more distance between us. However, when she saw my hesitation she gulped and then said, 'I know it may look like I'm uncomfortable and its because I am. I'm not used to that kind of forward behaviour but I most definitely need to get a crash course on... hard-core... fu-cking...' She breathe out and blew hard after saying that line and I thought just that: I've got to think of it as being something fictional and not get my personal feelings involved.
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I walked up to her and sat next to her. I took the last bit of wine from her glass and rest it on the table. I was going to teach her how to love a woman.
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