The Healing Project

Loosing control

You know what I've started to realize?
I have zero self control.
Absolutely none.

I usually say I'm good at hiding emotions,
But the truth is I don't control them.
They come when they want to
And hide when they choose.

I don't often cry in front of others.
You've seen me cry from a panic attack,
And from a song that hit too close to home,
And from being angry at myself at an archery competition.

But those weren't things I controlled.
And it doesn't go only one way,
Not being able to hold the tears when they come.
It goes both ways.

I can't cry when I want to.
When you were crying in my arms,
On my bed that day it was coming to an end,
I wanted to cry too.

I desperately wanted to.
Maybe if I could manage to cry,
You'd see how I was hurting,
And maybe I'd break and tell you everything.

But I couldn't.
I couldn't control it.
The tears wouldn't come,
And it made me look emotionless.

It made me look like I was
In total control of the situation,
When in reality,
I had never been so out of control.

Seems stupid, unrealistic, a lie.
How can one not be in control
Of the important decision they made?
And yes, I was the one who made that decision.

But it wasn't out of loss of feelings.
It was from the overwhelming feeling of fear,
And some half-assed explanations I put together
From previous moments and arguments.

I never lost the feelings.
I don't think they're something you can loose.
I think they get overpowered by something else,
And that power forces them down.

Or at least that's how I feel now.
Maybe we could have worked things out,
But it does no real use to dwell on the past.
I can't change it, no one can.

But I can however, try to regain
Some control over my actions,
And over my future.

I haven't been able to
Properly in the past,
But it doesn't mean I stop trying.

If I know one of my qualities,
Sometimes good and sometimes bad,
It's my stubbornness.