8.30.2023
surprise:) here's a longer than normal chapter for y'all:)
It only takes me a minute to decide what to do next, even though I know there's a chance I'll upset her further. Rylie said she needed air, and while I can't blame her for needing to get away, I can't let her go.
I quickly throw on a jacket and my shoes before rushing out the door, praying that the elevator is quick. When I finally step outside a couple minutes later, my eyes scan frantically up and down the street as I search for Rylie.
Tears blur my vision as I look, and I use the sleeve of the sweater I blindly grabbed to swipe angrily at them as they trail down my cheeks. The fabric is coarse against my skin in a way that's not exactly pleasant, but it's not necessarily painful, either. The slightly uncomfortable sensation captures my focus, pulling my thoughts away from the fear and anxiety that were begging for my attention. I pause for a moment, closing my eyes as I take in a deep breath, letting the frigid winter air fill my lungs. Movement to my left catches my attention as my eyes open, and I take a few slow steps towards an alley, letting out the breath of relief when I see Rylie.
She paces back and forth, and several seconds pass before she notices me. Her tear filled eyes meet mine, breaking my heart all over again. A hundred emotions bubble up inside of me, anger and disappointment towards myself the most noticeable. I push them down, focusing only on the need to comfort Rylie and make things right.
As I take a hesitant step towards her, I half expect her to step away from me, which I would understand. But instead, Rylie quickly closes the distance between us, pulling me into her arms. Her embrace provides a relief and comfort my body had been craving, but didn't deserve.
I wrap my arms around her, my throat tight. "I am so sorry." My voice cracks, and I swallow hard. "I don't know why I..."
"Shh," Rylie whispers, her voice breaking. "I just need you to hold me."
I do as I'm told, refusing to let go of her for even a second. I know I don't deserve this, her love or even her touch, but I allow myself to be selfish for a moment and hold her. I don't know how long passes before she pulls back, gently taking my hand.
"Can we go inside?" Rylie asks softly, meeting my gaze. It only takes me a second to notice the lack of the startling blue in her irises that I was used to. The blue that I'd immediately fallen in love with had been replaced by a dull, aching color, almost more grey than blue. I can tell she's trying to hide it, but it's impossible for me to miss the hurt still visible in her eyes. Eyes that should be bright and filled with love and happiness. Now all that remains is an agony that I caused. I nod and follow her back inside, unable to ignore the guilt and disappointment filling me.
~~~~~~~~~~
Rylie leads the way back into the apartment and into our bedroom before taking a seat on the edge of the bed. I do the same but keep some distance between us, convinced I don't deserve her touch right now.
"Rylie I..." My throat is tight, making it hard to get my words out. I drop my eyes, fidgeting with my hands in my lap as I avoid her gaze.
Rylie gives me a few moments as I try to find my words before she speaks. "You followed me."
My eyes jump to hers, startled by the warmth I see there. "What?"
"You followed me after I left. You wouldn't let me go."
"Oh.. I'm really sorry, I just couldn't..."
"Hey," Rylie cuts in gently, reaching over to take my hand. "I'm not mad." Her eyes are sincere, the grey slowly slipping away as she reassures me, the familiar blue returning. She scoots closer to me, resting her leg against mine. "I was really hurt by what you said, and I thought that leaving was the best idea. I thought we both needed space. But the moment I stepped outside, I realized how wrong I was. I knew that I had upset you, and I knew that even though I was hurting, you were hurting too. Because of me."
"No, that's..."
"Hold on, love." Rylie shushes me softly before continuing. "It was wrong of me to leave like that. I promised myself after that night on the beach, the night my mom called me to tell me she was pregnant, I promised myself that I would never walk away from you again. Whether it was because we were fighting or any other reason.
"But the moment I got outside, I realized I'd done just that. I left you, and suddenly all that mattered was getting back to you. When I turned around though, I saw you. I left you, but you came after me, even though I didn't deserve it."
"No, I'm the one that's undeserving. The things I said to you," I pause, failing to stop a sob. "Ry, I am so sorry. I don't know why I said those things. They weren't true, and you deserved none of that. I'm so sorry."
"Hey, come here." Rylie pulls me into her arms, holding me tightly as I cry. She cries with me, and I tighten my hold on her, wishing I could rewind the past 30 minutes and keep this from happening. Or maybe rewind far enough to keep myself from relapsing again. Then none of this would've happened.
"I'm sorry for saying I was worried about leaving you alone." Rylie speaks once we've both calmed down. "That really made it seem like I don't trust you, but I do trust you Aspen. In every regard."
"I know." I whisper, keeping hold of her hand as I sit up.
"I know how strong you are, and I know you're strong enough to handle the nightmares and anything related to Gabe. I just hate that he still has a hold on you, and I wish I could just make him go away for good. I'm not worried about leaving you alone, Aspen. I just don't want you to have to deal with these things alone if I were to go on the trip. I promised myself I would be there for you through everything, but if I go on this trip, I won't be keeping that promise."
"You shouldn't have to worry about things like that." I whisper, fiddling with Rylie's wedding ring. "I don't know why everything is coming back, or why I'm having these nightmares, but it's not something you should have to deal with too."
"It is, Aspen." Rylie gently lifts my chin until my eyes meet hers. "The first time I learned about Gabe, I was just your friend, but that was when I decided I would do everything I could to help you recover from the things he put you through. When I found out what those things were, I was your girlfriend. I watched in awe as you healed from his abuse, and as you decided to turn him in for what he'd done. I'd never felt more proud in my life as I watched my girlfriend go through hell to get the justice she deserved.
"I was your un-official fiancé when we learned of Gabe's death. I watched you deal with that news, and despite all the pain and abuse Gabe put you through, you still had empathy for him as a human. You didn't let yourself see the situation as your abuser getting killed, getting what he deserved. There is only good inside of you, and because of that, you saw it as though he was an innocent human that lost his life.
"I was officially your fiancé when I learned that you care for people in such a big way, that they could hurt you over and over, and you would still forgive them. You would still try to find some good in them. While I saw Gabe only as the disgusting, repulsive human trash that he was, you saw him differently. Your heart remembered the few good times you had with him, before all the bad. Because of that, you felt, and maybe still feel, like Gabe deserved to live.
"I was your wife when the nightmares started. While I suspect that there are nights that you don't wake me up, I'm so thankful for the nights you do. After that first one, I promised myself that I would hold you after each and every nightmare if you'd let me, and try to make things okay. Because you deserve to be okay, Aspen."
"Rylie..." My voice breaks and Rylie doesn't hesitate with pulling me into her arms.
"I've been lucky enough to go from being just your friend, to your wife, all the while watching you grow and heal from the trauma Gabe caused. I've promised myself that I would help you and be there for you anytime I could, but the truth is, I don't really think you need me. Gabe might've tried to hurt you in ways that can't be fixed, but you didn't let him. You have proven time and time again how strong you are, and I am so thankful that I've been able to watch you prove that."
"I do need you." I say softly, finally finding my words. "I need you more than I've ever needed anyone or anything. I need you more than I need air, because you give me a reason to keep breathing." I smile softly, bringing one of my hands up to cup Rylie's cheek. "You've been there for me more times than I can count. You've helped me through more than you know. There have been nights that I know you've been exhausted, but you still stay up with me, holding me until the nightmare fades away. You have been so selfless since the beginning, before you really even knew me, and I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you for that."
"You don't need to repay me, Aspen."
"I do. Especially after tonight. All you've done is be there for me, and I still let myself fuck things up tonight." I pause, taking a deep breath. "That last thing I said, about trying harder to hide the relapse from you... I didn't mean that. I'm so glad I told you, and so thankful you've been kind and understanding about it. But I'm still so sorry that I even said it."
"It's okay, my love. I didn't think about what I was saying or how it might hurt you, and I'm sorry for that. I need you to know that I do trust you, and all I want is to be there for you when you need me."
I swallow the guilt that keeps pushing its way in, fighting the urge to rub my burning thigh. She doesn't need to know about this one. Not after tonight. I refuse to cause her any more pain. "I will always need you, Rylie. There will never be a day that I don't want or need you, and I'm going to do everything I can to prove that to you whenever you need. You are my everything." I finish, emphasizing each word.
"All I need is you." Rylie responds quietly. As I meet her eyes, all I can think about is the hurt that I put there only minutes ago.
I don't deserve her. Tears fill my eyes again and I blink quickly, but Rylie notices instantly. "Baby, what's wrong?" Her gentle voice only brings more tears.
"I really hurt you, Ry. I saw it in your eyes. I can't stop seeing it."
"Aspen, I'm okay..."
"I know, but it doesn't change the fact that I still did that to you." I cry, unable to stop myself. "Anytime I see any kind of pain in your eyes, I hate whoever caused it. I was the one that caused it this time." I whisper, my voice breaking.
"Aspen, please listen to me." Rylie's voice is stern, but gentle. "You've said before that you would do anything for me, right?" I nod hesitantly, wondering where she's going. "I need you to be kind to yourself. It's my job to take care of you in every way that I can. As much as I wish I could, I can't take care of some of the demons that came from your past. If I could, I would make sure that those demons from your past could never hurt you or tell you the lies they tell you. I need you to be kind and patient with yourself, so that those demons don't get the chance to push you too far. You're the only thing that can keep them from taking you from me. I can't lose you, Aspen, so please do this for me, okay?"
Rylie's eyes are filled with a combination of emotions, matching what I feel in my heart. "Okay." I say softly, keeping my eyes on hers.
"Can you promise?" She asks hesitantly.
I'm quiet for a long moment as I try to find my words. "I promise that I'll try."
"That's all I need, love." Rylie responds, sending relief through me. "And Aspen, what happened today wasn't your fault. I don't want you hating yourself for it."
"It wasn't your fault either."
"Okay, it wasn't either of us. It was Gabe. So if you're going to hate or be angry with anyone, let that be Gabe. Not yourself. Okay?"
I'll never understand how someone can be so stern but loving at the same time, but Rylie does it with ease. "Okay. I'm really sorry, Ry."
"No more apologizing." She says, her eyes warm and teasing.
"Yes ma'am." I respond with a little giggle. "I love you so much. More than I ever thought I could love someone."
"I love you the exact same way, Aspen. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, and I refuse to let anything get in the way of our love."
My heart swells at Rylie's words, bringing with it the threat of more tears. Good tears this time.
The guilt from hiding my relapse stays in the back of my mind, refusing to fully disappear. I know I need to tell Rylie at some point, but it wouldn't be fair to her to tell her now, not when she has the chance to go to Florida.
Rylie is the most selfless person I know, and I'm positive that if I told her about my relapse, she would refuse to go to Florida. She would give up that opportunity to make sure I'm okay, and while I love her for that, I can't take that from her.
I'll be okay. If something does happen while she's gone, I won't let myself relapse again. I'll find ways to distract myself. And I'll tell her about this relapse once she's home. Everything will be okay.