my mommy says i'm not supposed to talk to strangers on the internet
then why do you keep texting me
why do you keep replying, huh ???
checkmate atheists
wait no
stop leaving me on read
i didn't mean it
bartholomewwwww :((((
did you turn on read receipts just for this
cause you didn't have them yesterday
you know what, i respect that
but i want a text back
so i'm gonna spam
let's start with the alphabet
a
b
c
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE STOP
d
WAIT OMG YOU REPLIED
i couldn't take it anymore
why didn't you just put me on do not disturb lmao
good idea
yeah i walked right into that one
:/
i guess i'll take this time to write a nice ranting paragraph about my day
gertrude you've been typing for four minutes
i'm terrified
do i actually have to read it
or can i just send an 8 ball game
i am this close to dropping out of college. ucf is the absolute worst and i hate it more than words can describe. today in my russian lit class there was this girl, i don't know her name but she looks like a walking renaissance painting and i love that for her, but her voice sounds like a cat choking on a squeaky toy. anyway we were discussing ivan turgenev and she thought that he wrote and quiet flows the don even though it was published 45 years after his death and was written by mikhail sholokhov. so i raised my hand and brought the discussion back to turgenev's fathers and sons book, since it was HIS book and was relevant to the conversation and she turned and glared at me. like bitch if you're gonna get pissy with me, at least be in the right. her boyfriend was waiting for her outside, and he was cute but in like an 1800s small coal mine town where you have to marry someone that's not related to you kinda way, and she goes up to him and starts whispering in his ear while looking right at me and he starts glaring at me too. miss girl i know you are not trying to make a big deal out of this. we aren't in high school anymore, jesus christ. i finally finish classes and walk back to my apartment, ready to vent to drew, but guess who i see making out in the elevator? renaissance girl and coal miner boy. i can't believe my luck. of course they live in the same building as me. of course they do. now i have to creep around my own building and figure out where they live so i can avoid them. the landlord's kind of a perv so drew thinks if i wear something tight and go talk to him, he might tell me where they are. i don't really want to do that but i might have to if i see her tongue shoved down his throat again. it wasn't a pretty sight.
what the fuck did i just read
'cute in an 1800s small coal mine town where you have to marry someone you're not related to kinda way' how do you come up with that
all girls do
we have to be specific
cute is a very broad term
is he cute like a puppy or like a stringbean skater boy? or is he cute like those quiet funny guys or a shirtless firefighter?
well gee, that terrifies me
i don't know if i want to know how my ex-girlfriends described me
exes plural ???
you mean to tell me that you, bartholomew jenkins, have not only dated a woman before, but have dated more than one ???
yes, yes i have
and where did you get jenkins from
i don't believe it
and jenkins is my russian lit professor
why are you naming me after your russian lit professor
he's a dilf
what more can i say
please say less
and you're also calling me a dilf by extension
by giving us the same name
that's not how it works
yes it is
nuh uh
yuh uh
did you really just say yuh uh instead of uh huh
get out
you always somehow manage to hurt my feelings
it's a gift
took me years to sharpen that skill
you're a gamer, right?
yeah
well my harassment stats go up a point every time i make someone upset
never attempt gamer talk again
you're horrible at it
that physically hurt me to read
does that make me go +1 again ?
very tempted to let my cat scratch out my eyes now
YOU HAVE A CAT ???
yes
her name is patches
i would die for patches
you don't even know what patches looks like
there's only like four different types of cats, i can imagine
as long as she isn't hairless, i love her
what do you have against hairless cats
my grandma had a hairless sphynx cat named ramsey and he hated feet. you couldn't be barefoot in her house unless you wanted him to try to bite your toes off. he ruined the whole breed for me.
kinky
wait no it's a cat
that's like beastiality or something
you really want to check off the last box on the rice purity test, huh
GOD NO
WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT