8.23.2023
A/N- hello everyone:) hopefully the cover picture added successfully, it is probably my all time favorite photo that i've taken:) I was in south carolina last week with one of my brothers and two of our cousins, and I would go on walks every evening during the sunset to get pictures and look for shark teeth. One of the days, it was looking like a storm was coming and I stopped by the ferris wheel to see if I could get any cool pictures or videos and somehow managed to get this one. this kind of picture had been my dream picture, and the fact that the ferris wheel was purple too only makes it better! I'm considering using it for the cover of Book 2, since books 1 and 3 have ferris wheels on the cover, while book 2 doesn't... lemme know what y'all think:)
I also have a couple other pictures I wanna share, but I'll add those at the end:)
This chapter is going to be a bit heavier than normal, so I'd like to add trigger warnings again just to be safe. I'll never add anything explicit or detailed as I don't want to trigger or hurt anyone who may be familiar with situations like this, but I still want the warnings just to give anyone who needs to, the option to skip over those parts.
Trigger Warnings: Mentions of SA and abuse
Although my nightmares about Gabe weren't getting any less frequent, I'd been slowly learning how to either wake up from them, or change them entirely. But sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I can't do anything to get myself out of them, and tonight is one of those times.
As the room comes into focus, my heart plummets. It can't be this. I can't relive this day. Everything is the same. His room, the bed, the lighting and even the smells. It's all the same as it was that day.
A noise sounds behind me and I turn quickly, finding Gabe standing in the doorway. He looks exactly the same as he did that day. His dark hair is slightly messy after removing his sweatshirt that now lays crumpled on the floor. His face is as perfect and handsome as before, not yet broken and damaged by the potato peeler, or the fists of his fellow inmates. I'm suddenly no longer in control, and things begin to play out exactly as they did that day.
Several minutes pass silently as I sit on the edge of the bed, working up the courage to say what needs to be said. "Gabe. We need to talk." I finally say, flinching as he sighs, turning to face me.
"About what? The stupid 'break'? Forget it, it's not happening."
Stop! I want to scream, desperate to stop what's coming. But I can't stop it, and I say my next line, as though reading from a script. "You don't get to decide that. If I decide I need a break from this, from us, you don't get to deny me that."
"Why the hell would you need a break? I love you, you love me, that's all that matters." Gabe says, his voice softening slightly.
"I don't know if I do..." I whisper, my chest tight with fear.
"You don't know if you what, Aspen?" Gabe's voice changes from soft to dangerously low, his eyes filling with a dark anger that I was all too familiar with.
I swallow the lump in my throat before forcing myself to continue. "I don't know if I love you anymore." I drop my head, afraid to meet his gaze.
"How is a break going to help you figure that out?" Gabe nearly growls, anger seeping into his voice.
"I don't know. All I know is that I need space. I think you could use some space, too."
"What do you mean?" He asks, stepping closer.
"You know what I mean. You get so angry at me, and nine times out of ten, you end up hurting me." I finally make eye contact with him, absentmindedly rubbing my bruised arm, the physical reminder of his anger yesterday.
"I said I was sorry for that." Gabe shrugs, his excuse the same as always.
I swipe at the tears falling down my cheeks, frustrated that I can't control my emotions. "You always say sorry. You always promise it won't happen again. But you don't mean it Gabe, you never mean it." I take a breath, summoning all of my strength. "I can't keep doing this. You refuse to change, and I don't deserve that." I get to my feet, willing my legs to stay steady. "Abuse isn't love, Gabe."
As I take a step towards the door, Gabe moves in front of it, blocking my only escape. I lead silently with my dream self, begging her to just go, but no matter how hard I try, I can't take control.
"What the hell Aspen, abuse? I have never abused you." He scoffs, his lips pulling up in a sneer. "All of those little things I've done have been because you deserved them."
His words strike a match inside me, lighting something I'd tried so desperately to rid myself of since ending things with Gabe. Something I'd been so desperate to stop believing. You deserved them.
"Let me show you that I love you." Gabe continues, uncrossing his arms as he takes a step towards me. "You never let me take it further, which is why you don't know if you love me. I can show you that you love me too."
My heels hit the bed as I back up, and I struggle to keep my balance. Gabe's rough hands grab my face, pulling my mouth to his, kissing me hard. I can't kiss him back. He breaks away after a moment, and I wince as I glimpse the sadness and pain in his eyes.
It's not real, I think, wishing it would make a difference. Nothing was real.
"Kiss me back." Gabe pleads, his voice quiet.
"I can't." I reply softly, fear rising at the realization of what happens next.
"Kiss me back, Aspen." Gabe says again, his tone changing from sad to threatening.
As I try to push past him, my eyes on the door, things play out in slow motion. Gabe grabs my wrist and throws me backwards onto the bed, his eyes full of a look that absolutely terrifies me, despite seeing it countless times before.
Fear courses through my veins as he straddles me, holding me down. "Gabe, stop! You're hurting me!" I yell, trying to free myself of his strong grip. His hands stay locked around my wrists, his fingers digging into my skin.
"How do you think I feel?" Venom drips from Gabe's voice as he brings his face only inches from mine. "I won't let you break my heart. You owe me this."
"Stop, please. Don't do this." I sob, tears streaming down my face.
"Shut up. You and I both know you want this." Gabe growls, moving his hand down.
Things in the nightmare begin changing slightly as Gabe pulls at my clothing. His room begins to darken, shadows filling the corners of the room. A dark figure appears in the doorway, his face hidden by shadows. I'm suddenly standing beside the bed, watching as the terrible memory continues to play out in front of me. Even though my point of view has changed, I'm still frozen in fear.
My attention is pulled to the dark figure as he begins moving towards me. Despite his face still being hidden from me, I already know who it is.
As if one Gabe isn't bad enough. I think, glancing briefly back at the bed.
"I told you." Shadow Gabe says, stopping a few feet in front of me.
"Told me what?" I spit, managing to find my voice.
"You wanted it. You wanted me. And apparently," He pauses, finally stepping into the dim light. "You still want me."
"What the hell makes you think that?" I scoff, fighting the urge to avoid his ugly, torn up face.
"Isn't it obvious?" Gabe laughs, gesturing to the scene playing out on the bed. I squeeze my eyes shut, not having to look to know what part it's at. "You want me so bad that you still dream about our first time."
My eyes shoot back to him as anger fills me. "I would never willingly choose to relive the day you raped me. Out of all the bad days I had with you, this one was the worst. The only reason I put the night in the alley as the second worst is because it ended with Rylie knocking you out with a two by four before you could rape me for a second time."
Gabe's eyes darken. "When will you stop being a lying bitch and admit you wanted it?"
"Because I didn't!"
"Or maybe you did, but you don't want to get in trouble for sending me to jail and getting me killed!" Gabe spits, his damaged face inches from mine.
"You're a stupid, lying narcissist. Something is truly broken with your brain if you think me crying and begging you to stop means I wanted it. I'm so fucking glad I listened to Rylie and turned you in, and I'm even more glad that you ended up dead!"
"Quit bringing up that bitch." Gabe growls. "I should've tried harder to get you away from her before she could brainwash you." He pauses, sneering. "She should've been the one to end up dead."
"Don't ever say something like that again." I growl, my vision turning red.
"Or what?" Gabe scoffs, his eyes filling with a dark curiosity as he folds his arms, leaning against the wall. "What will you do, Aspen? Kill me?" He barks out a loud, humorless laugh before lunging forward and grabbing my throat with one hand, bringing his face to mine. "You already fucking killed me."
I nearly choke at the combination of Gabe's hand at my throat, tightening every second, and each wave of his hot, sour breath as he spits out his words.
"I... wasn't the one... holding..." I gasp after my words, struggling to get a breath past the pressure of his hand. "The potato peeler." I finish, fighting against the black spots in my vision. Gabe's eyes darken even more than I thought possible, considering how dark they already were. I smirk, satisfaction filling me. "Did I hit a nerve?" I whisper, my voice scratchy.
"Fuck you, Aspen." Gabe growls before shoving me down onto the now empty bed. The moment my throat is free of his hand, I cough hard, gulping down lungful's of the air I'd been denied. "I may be dead, but it hasn't stopped me from getting to you and it won't stop me from getting what I want. Do you want to know what the best part is?" Gabe asks, not waiting for a response. "The fact that you keep having these dreams proves just how much you want me."
"I want you to go to hell." I spit, trying to get up.
Gabe pushes me back down before climbing on top of me, his body weight pinning me to the bed. "Fine. But I'll see you there, Aspen. Think about all the bad things you've done in your life. The things you've done to me. You really think you're going anywhere besides hell?"
"Your lies don't work anymore, Gabe." I say through clenched teeth, fighting to get my wrists free of his grasp.
"Let me guess, your sweet little Rylie convinced you that everything I told you was a lie, didn't she?"
"She helped me break my trauma bond with you, yeah." I keep my voice steady, but the dread filling my stomach makes it difficult.
"She's a fucking liar, Aspen. I love you, and I know you still love me. How do you think your little bitch would feel if she knew about these dreams? Or about the way you still want me? Or the things we've done together?"
"I never loved you. Nothing has happened in these dreams that she doesn't know about. You're a psychopath if you think there's been anything to enjoy."
Gabe's mouth pulls up in a cruel smile as his eyes travel slowly down my body. "Maybe not yet, but I think it's time I change that."
It feels very weird to put happy things/pictures at the end of this chapter after what's going on haha but we'll consider it a brief break from the depressing stuff lol
First off, I took two physical copies of my book to South Carolina, but I printed one of them with the cover and title of Book 3. I went back to the same place where I was 2 years ago, and where I got the picture for Book 3's cover, so I got some pictures of it there, as well as just some fun pictures of both books:)
I couldn't decide which ones to add so I added a lot haha my apologies:')
I also got so many shark teeth this trip, so here's a pic of some of those:)
i found all of these during the four hours we had before heading to the airport, so i was stunned at how many there were! i also got a decent sunburn because it was the one day i didn't think to wear sunscreen lol. anyway, i'll refrain from adding every single picture I took but i am excited for y'all to see these ones:)
I'll get the next chapter up in a day or two, have a good dayyyy:)