15th of June, 2018
Michael is 59, Jake is 55
Michael: I glanced in the mirror, tightening my tie.
The eyes that stared back at me were different, they were red and puffy since the man looking back at me barely got any sleep lately.
It was as if those eyes belonged to someone else completely. Someone who I forgot even existed within me, someone from a different lifetime.
The man who couldn't sleep for days at a time, who was always occupied with what was coming next for his career. That same man who used to be up all those nights, since his insomnia took over.
The same lonely man.
A tear slid down his face accidentally.
"Fuck."
It smudged his makeup, so I hurried to go fix it.
A muffled ringtone was heard somewhere in the room. But of course, I couldn't find it.
Looking all over, under some papers, under a pile of clothes, it was nowhere.
The ringing stopped, then started again a few seconds later. Finally, I found the device in between the sheets and my mattress.
"Daddy?" it was Paris.
Then her voice came back, to remind me that that man within me was long gone.
"You'll never be lonely, Mike. You have all our beautiful blessings with you."
"You ready to go, daddy? Prince is just walking into the house. He's coming to get you." Paris snapped me out of it.
As if on cue, my son knocked on the bedroom door. "Dad? It's me."
"He's here. We'll be right out." I told Paris and hung up.
Before I opened the door, I took one more look at our messy bedroom.
I could hear Angela's voice in the back of my head again, this time lecturing me about how I should clean it up.
"Seriously, Mike? You know I hate that your papers are just lying there..."
Another tear escaped. Shit, I really need to stop myself today.
I wiped it away, going to the door, only to see Prince waiting there. It never seized to amaze me, what a fine young man he turned out to be.
Most of the older kids moved out by now, leaving me with Blanket and the babies, who weren't really babies anymore.
Prince was living with his girlfriend somewhere in LA, doing everything he could to become a producer. Paris was working on her modeling career. Both her and Lily were living together in a small apartment in the big city, too.
As for my step-children, Lily was going into her third year at UCLA with an English major, while Eric joined the army as soon as he turned 18.
My son hugged me tightly and we stayed like that for a minute. "Hey dad."
"Your tie is isn't tight enough," he half-smiled, and reached his hand to do it for me. "Come on."
Following him quietly, we met all of his siblings outside.
Leo hurried to grab my hand, and tugged on it.
"Hi, baby boy." I said.
He was so big now, being a little over 10. His mother was there for his birthday, thank God. She even promised to try pushing for AJ's 11th and my 60th, but I knew she wouldn't be able to.
I hugged each one of my children, then we split into three cars that took us to the church.
My four youngest joined me; Leo and AJ on each of my sides, Rose and Jared sat across from us.
Our babies were so grown up. Rose was looking more like her mother, while Jared resembled me, with a hint of her. Like his wavy hair and that bright smile I missed too much.
AJ was literally the perfect mix, except for those green eyes she inherited from Joseph. Both girls had their tight curls in box braids for today.
My beautiful babies.
"Daddy?" Leo pulled on my sleeve. I was a bit surprised, he hasn't been talking much since Angela died.
Like mother predicted, he turned into a carbon-copy of me, with big brown eyes, darker skin, and curls. Luckily for him, though, his nose was his mommy's.
He was so sensitive, too. Just as I was.
But unlike me, he always stood up for himself, he was a fighter, feisty. Which my baby boy definitely got from his mommy.
"Yes, bubs?"
"I miss mommy."
I wrapped my arms around him. "Me too."
~
"Sometimes love can come and pass you by, while you're busy making plans
Suddenly hits you and then you realize, it's out of your hands
Baby, you got to understand
You are my Heaven on earth
You are my last, my first
And then I hear this voice inside
Ave Maria..."
Beyoncé sang effortlessly, her soft voice harmonizing perfectly with the church choir behind her.
My heart clenched a bit, some more tears trickling out of my eyes.
A day after Angela passed, Beyoncé called to offer her condolences, along with asking if she can honor her at the ceremony.
"Thank you. Rest in peace, Angela. You were loved by so many. May your spirit keep guiding us." she said and got off the little stage.
After hugging me, she took her seat.
To be honest, this was the last place I wanted to be. I was sure Angela would hate this ceremony just as much, but her parents and Luciano insisted we'd do something.
Later, we would be heading back to Neverland, to have a smaller ceremony there; my wife was going to be buried in our home.
I made sure of that. And she asked for it, too, even went as far as to write it in her will.
"Michael?" the priest called. "Would you like to say a few words?"
It felt unreal. That I was actually making my way to give a eulogy for my wife.
Her casket was closed. There was no way I would let all these people see her.
Not like this, that's not how she would have wanted to be remembered.
I took out the paper I had in my inner pocket, nervously playing with my wedding ring while I placed it down.
My eyes a scanned the words I wrote. As I opened my mouth to speak, nothing came out.
All I thought about was our heated argument six months ago, and the months following it.
We were coming home from another checkup, the car silent after what we were told.
She had seven good years before telling me she hadn't been feeling well again, experiencing the same symptoms.
So, a few months prior to that checkup, I had taken her to see a doctor, and they found another tumor in her cervix, which traveled to her intestines.
After another round of treatments, along with another surgery, we were hoping for good news.
Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. The tumors didn't disappear, and instead had already spread to her liver.
There was nothing they could do for her at that point, telling us she had about six months left.
"You have to try and fight, Angie." I told her once we were home.
She sighed, "Michael, you heard the doctor, there's nothing we can do. Please, let's just enjoy the time we have left together-"
"No," I cut her off. "You promised me to try and fight. You're gonna fight."
"But I'm tired of fighting! I'm so tired... Look at me, I'm all shriveled up and bald again, and for what?! It didn't work this time, Michael. I'm done."
"What if I'm not done, huh?! Did you ever stop for a second to think about me?!"
Angry, I turned to leave.
"Don't do this. I need you, Michael."
But I did, and we never mentioned that conversation, until the day before she died.
Even though I was hurt by her choice, I slowly realized she was right. I made her last months count.
We decided to spend what would be her final night at the beach house. One request she had throughout those six months were no hospitals. No matter what happens, no hospitals.
That evening, I took her back to our safe place. She was exhausted from the simple act of spending time with our children and talking to them almost the entire day.
Angela was truly a shadow of herself at that point, not even being able to sit upright on her own.
She looked like herself, her hair grew back and she gained some weight after stopping chemo, but that wasn't my Angela anymore.
"I'm sorry for not trying to fight harder..." she whispered to me as we lay in bed, her breaths shallow and heavy, almost wheezing.
"No, baby, you fought as hard as you could. If anything, I should apologize for the way I yelled at you. I know how tired you must be." I said to her forehead, placing small kisses on it.
My wife ran a hand over my chest. "I don't want to go. I don't want to leave my babies."
"We'll all be just fine, you rest now, alright?"
Finally, she looked into my eyes. Her now almost gray ones were fluttering exhaustingly when she kissed me gently.
"Thank you. For making me the happiest woman on earth."
"Angie..."
"I mean it. You are everything I didn't know I needed, Michael."
I woke up the morning after, with her in my arms. Nothing could have prepared me to feel how cold she was.
Adam then appeared in our bedroom, probably hearing my loud cries. He tried to pry me away from her body before he called 911 and they had to take her.
"Dad," Eric snapped me out of my thoughts. "Here, let us help you."
My nine children all crammed next to me, each one of them reading a part of what I wrote.
Blanket, or Bigi as he went by these days, cleared his throat, "Who was Angela Rakkel Brown-Jackson? Well, to start this off, she was first and foremost a mother. A mother - no one knows what that means more than Angela does..."
All I could do was hold Leo's hand. He gave mine a tight squeeze, somehow managing to keep me in touch with reality.
~
"It was lovely, Michael. Thank you." Maria hugged me after everyone cleared out of the church, only family members were left.
Just then, Angelo came sprinting down the aisles of the sanctuary with his 5-year-old sister, Sofia, making Maria chase and scold them.
My kids sat with their aunts and uncles. They all seemed to take it so well. I knew they would, they were prepared for the worst.
I'm the one who has been in denial for six month.
Luciano and Britney were talking to my father-in-law, small smiles on their faces as they adored her baby bump. They would be welcoming their third child into the world in two short months.
"She was so beautiful." a familiar voice said behind me.
I turned around to see Rosa, who looked at the big plaque that had a picture of Angela.
It read 'Angela Rakkel Brown-Jackson. 03.12.1964 - 06.06.2018'
"What are you doing here?" I asked bitterly.
"You know how I heard?" she sighed. "From the news. I heard about my sister's death in the news. That's so messed up."
I snickered, "Goodbye, Rosa."
She grabbed my wrist before I could leave.
"Thank you, Michael. For making her happy."
I gently yanked my arm and walked away, having absolutely nothing to say to her.
"Can I come to see the burial?" Rosa said hopefully.
"No. You are not entering our- my home. She never wanted you there again."
"Please."
I shook my head, going to find my children.
~
My tears ran free as Angela was finally put to rest. After saying a prayer, we each took a shovel and covered her.
I decided to have her final resting place in a special part of the gardens; under a tree, right where the two ponds met.
She used to love sitting out there and soak in some sunlight, especially during her final set of treatments.
"We love you, mommy." Rose said quietly, making Eric hug her from behind.
Jared sighed, "You were the most amazing mommy."
"The best mommy." AJ sniffled.
Lily nodded, "You really were."
"And the greatest sister." Luciano chimed in.
Once everyone had their chance to say something, we all walked back to the main house.
"Michael," Lisa Marie caught up to me. "I didn't get a chance to see you yet. How are you holding up?"
I stopped walking, "How do you think?"
"Sorry, that was stupid to ask. You know I'm here whenever you need me." she hugged me before joining everybody who were already pretty far.
I looked back at Angela's grave. Adam was still there, but there was someone else along with him.
I know that stand. I'd recognize his high posture anywhere.
"Jake?" I asked when I reached them.
"Mike." he breathed.
"You're here."
"I am."
And for the first time since Angela passed, I cracked a small smile.
"I thought you might need this." he gave me a brown paper bag. Inside was a fancy bottle of whiskey.
"Thanks. It's probably not the responsible thing to be drinking right now, though..."
"You're right. And anyways, you'd be drinking alone."
I chuckled a bit. "Right."
"Thank you. For giving her the life she deserved, the life I could never give her," he sighed. "It's crazy, out of all the places in the world, Neverland was the last place I thought she'd be buried at, you know? You... You changed her so much, Mike. For the better."
"It's only fair, since she changed me."
"She did, didn't she? Ange had that kind of effect on people," Jake said. "There was that thing about her, huh? It's like she made you want to be the best version of yourself."
"I couldn't have said it better." I shed another tear.
He hesitantly opened his arms for me. We embraced tightly, until Adam said they need to go.
"I'll see you soon?" Jake questioned.
"How about tomorrow?" I suggested, knowing I'd need some support when it'll all comes crushing down.
"You got it."
He placed a hand on Angela's gravestone, then left with the bodyguard.
I sat on the grass right next to her grave, and leaned on the tree trunk.
And right there, I swore I felt her soft fingers wiping the tears. Like she was actually there.
"Together?" her voice echoed again.
"Always, Angela."