Monday, September 18th
Riley's POV
Autumn took the bait.
Lately, I have lied a lot to her but I keep reminding myself that it is for a good reason.
I lied about the 'break in down the street' to change the locks and add the security system that she knows about. I lied about wanting to go on a double date so the guys could add the cameras. I lied about Harry by telling her that he is a good guy, because at this point who even knows if that is true. Now, I am lying about today and dragging my mom into it. I don't feel great about it, but I know it is better this way.
"Nancy is gonna' be so stoked when she sees us. I know it's only been like a month, but you have changed so much Rye! Also, it's been storming nonstop all day so I am happy we aren't going to be stuck in the apartment or attempting to go to class." Autumn was fiddling with the controls of Harry's car and loving the fact that it was so fancy. She's brought up how expensive and nice his car is at least ten times during the ride. "Also, quick question... why did Harry insist we take his car this morning?"
"I told you. I left my vehicle at his place and he wanted us to get on the road before the storm." I shrug her off and nonchalantly give a fake excuse. "But I could have drove us." She bickers back to me.
"Yeah but... you know Harry. Plus he thinks you drive like a maniac so he said it would make him feel better if I drove." -Riley
"He is way too protective over you. I'm telling you, I know it's love and I can see it." Even though Autumn was busy skimming radio stations she would give me a side eye every few moments to gauge my responses. I attempted to remain neutral, but sometimes lying to Autumn was really difficult.
I wanted to tell her so much more, and just get someone's opinion. I want to know I am not crazy and I am not in too deep in... whatever this is. I didn't notice how quiet I was after Autumn's statement, but she did. She picks up on that kind of thing with me more often than I like to admit.
"Are you okay?" she stops her restless hands to place one on my thigh. Her pale skin was in contrast to the tan on my legs. Autumn's only color usually was in her bright hair, blue eyes, and nail polish. This week she opted for a bright green with orange flowers painted on them. I was unsure if she did it herself or went out to get it done, because really I have been so MIA that even if she told me I wouldn't have registered it.
My eyes take a moment to shift between the road ahead and Autumn's piercing eyes that were practically begging for me to have some sort of a break down and confide in her. I took note of the change in her tone when she asked, because it became delicate and almost soft. Autumn was the embodiment of soft and calm today.
Autumn rushed us out of the house while putting her hair in a tan claw clip that matched her outfit perfectly. She was in a trendy oversized and baggy knit set that was closer to loungewear than actual clothes. The outfit was a caramel tan color and had a few buttons at the top of the shirt that was far too baggy on her small frame, along with some matching shorts that had the same textured look to them.
I should have picked out one of the same similar sets that Autumn's parents had put in my closet, but I decided to keep on what I had since it was one of Harry's shirts.
Out of habit I looked down at the shirt and my mind reeled with the thoughts of Harry which formed a smile on my face.
Today I had on some of my black biker shorts, some simple sneakers, and one of Harry's old oversized band shirts. It was probably black once upon a time, but over the years it has faded into a charcoal gray and had a small hole in the seam near my shoulder. The shirt itself was a picture of the Rumours album by Fleetwood Mac, one I knew Harry to enjoy because I have overheard him sing along to it in his car under his breath.
Autumn interrupts my thoughts, "You know, anytime anything Harry related appears in your life, you smile like a giddy little school girl."
I let out a chuckle and shook my head, "I don't know what you are even talking about."
Autumn scoffs while I shrug my shoulders. "Riley, you know I know what your closet looks like and I have stolen all your clothes at least once or more in life. I know Harry's clothes when I see them. You literally just looked at his ratty old shirt and started smiling. You're down so bad it isn't even like you can hide it." Autumn takes her hair out of the clip and pulls down the visor on her side to stare in the small mirror. "It's cute. I love happy you. It's been a while since she was here with us."
Autumn twists her hair again and puts the clip into place.
I look over while she moves on to grabbing lip gloss to smear on her lips before offering it to me. I take the small tube and put a generous glob of the strawberry scented goo on my own lips while Autumn smacks her lips together and uses a pinky finger to touch up the corners of her mouth.
"But, you didn't answer me. I know you're happy with Harry, even if you won't tell me a ton about it. But, are you... are you like, okay with everything else? You said you needed time today to talk and think about things, so tell me about it." Autumn presses on.
She's right. To make my lie believable I made sure to set my alarm so I was awake before her, while Harry stayed the night and we took his car to the house to play into all the lies we were building. Once Autumn woke up she padded out into the kitchen in a sleepy haze only to find her 'oh so troubled roommate' who was consoling themselves over a lukewarm cup of coffee and tired eyes. Autumn was quick to question what was wrong with me and I told her that there was a resurfacing of Luke nightmares mixed with an overwhelming sense of stress that had been weighing on me. I asked Autumn if she wanted to visit home or spend the day together so that we can just pretend real life doesn't exist, and as if she came up with the plan herself, she suggested calling my mom and having a girls day back home.
Downside to the entire plan: I now have to talk about all the things I have been repressing and tell myself I am over.
"I'm fine Autumn. It's more of like... I just needed some time to collect my thoughts." I spy the exit that will lead us to my mom's house and start to merge over so that soon I can get out of the car. I have needed to pee for the last fifteen minutes but refused to get off just to get back onto the highway. "If you say so, but just remember, when you are ready to talk I am here for you."
I give Autumn a reassuring smile at her sentiment and tell her thank you before turning up the volume and singing along while we finish the drive to mom's house.
***
"MY BABY IS HERE!" I hear mom start yelling the moment the front door is thrown open and Harry's car is in the driveway. I barely put the car in park before mom grabbed the door handle to open it up and grab me into a hug.
She hasn't changed. Her blonde hair has a few extra highlights, her cheeks are rosy, but mom looked the same as the last time I saw her. It might be one of the few things I can thank life for, everything else is changing, but not her. Mom is my rock.
"Hi mom. I missed you too!" I barely squeak out while she tightens her hug. "'Sup Nance. Love the shirt. You ship us off to school and you take our place as the cutest gal in Gainesville is that it?" Autumn gushes which makes mom laugh and her eyes turn into crinkles.
Autumn always knows the way to make mom happy and I think that might be one of her most endearing qualities. Autumn is protective, but she also has a pure heart of gold that wants everyone around her to be happy at all times.
"Oh shush and stop it you ridiculous girl. Get over here and give me a hug." Mom yells over to Autumn. Autumn meets mom on my side of the car and they also share a mother-daughter seeming embrace. "Now, girls, I am very happy you are here, and this might be my favorite surprise yet. When you called this morning I already started baking you guys some cupcakes and food to take home, but what is the occasion? I know you know that you never need to have a reason to come visit, but it's a school day, don't you both have classes today?" Mom went into parenting mode faster than I thought she would.
Autumn drapes her arm around moms shoulders and starts to walk her towards the house, "Come on mom, don't be like that.'' She jokingly draws out the ends of all her words to purposely sound like a whining child. Autumn has been my bestie for so long my parents really are her parents and it wasn't abnormal for her to call them her own. Hell, dad even gave her a key to the house and the garage code when we were in 8th grade 'just in case'.
"Hey now, also, whose car is that? Autumn do not tell me that your parents got you another new car? I told Candace that that darn sports car was not a safe option and then she goes out and gets this one? This just looks like a speeding ticket waiting to happen! I do not understand sometimes." Autumn and I share knowing looks because the way my parents are compared to Autumn's parents is wildly different.
Autumn is spoiled for sure, because her parents have the money to do so, but Autumn doesn't act like it at all. She is thankful any and every single time her parents give her a gift or use their money on her. Most of the time you can even catch Autumn telling her parents she doesn't need that flashy of things and she would rather them put the money towards a charity or someone who would need it more.
"No way. That's Riley's boyyyyyyyyyyfriend's car. I am sure you will want to know ALL about him Nancy. He has long hair, is covered in tattoos, and has a motorcycle also. If you think I'm kidding be ready to have a heart attack, 'cause our baby is all grown up."
"Autumn! Stop!" I groan out in embarrassment.
"Riley Elizabeth Anderson! You have a boyfriend?" My mom wasn't mad, more in shock. "I guess yeah. It's no big deal mom. It's really new." My lack of enthusiasm did not persuade mom to let the subject go, because instead she ushered Autumn and I inside to grill me about Harry for the next thirty minutes.
Although mom was not excited when she saw a picture of Harry, and she even deemed him a 'bad boy' she admitted he was really handsome. Oh if she only knew how much of a bad boy he really was....
I still had to convince mom that I am fine, Harry isn't a rebound, my emotional stability is perfectly intact, and I am not rushing into a relationship.
"Can we puh-lease go to the mall already? I am in need of some new bras. All mine are like... well blah and I need some that are more... va-vamp." Autumn made a push up motion on her chest so I got the idea. Luckily mom was in the bathroom and didn't see vulgar action or I would be mortified.
***
Autumn opens the door of her fitting room, "Is this color weird on me or am I imagining it? I swear it makes me look twice as big. But I love the design and it only comes in this and nude, and there is no shot in hell I am buying a nude set to show Louis. That reeks of zero sexual appeal." I looked at the lingerie set Autumn's body was wrapped in to give either a thumbs up or down to. It was a burnt orange lace bra that clearly was see-through, with dark navy straps. The underwear mimicked the bra with the middle section also having the orange lace and a cheeky backside to it. The sides were strappy blue intertwined pieces that sat high on Autumn's hip bones.
"It's perfect. I say get it!" I give the thumbs up, "I'm going to go find mom. I bet she's ready to grab a pretzel or something." I look at my watch. We had been shopping for about three hours and have gone to multiple stores at this point.
I managed to convince both of them to pause the shop-a-thon to feed me before I have to hear my stomach groan again.
While we all make our way to the food court mom asks Autumn more questions about Louis, since earlier Harry dominated most of the conversation. Mom was a big fan of Louis the moment Autumn showed her a video of him and she heard his accent. She kept saying how adorable and cute it was, I probably should have told her Harry is from the UK also but somehow it slipped my mind. Maybe I have gotten used to it. I still recognize and notice Harry's accent all the time, but at this point it's more something I am used to.
Autumn, mom, and I debate for a few moments over the best option: pizza, chinese, subway, or pretzels. In the end we all agree to grab pretzels and smoothies from two different places. "Okay so mom you said mango, I know Auttie want's strawberry banana. Anything else? They also have like fruit tarts and stuff?" Autumn scrunches her nose while mom shakes her head. "Tarts? No way. I'm a cookies or cupcake kinda' girl. You know that."
"Oh yes. God forbid a fruit tart not have enough sugar for you candy-land princess." I tease Autumn while she flips her hair and pretends to adjust a fake crown.
"As long as you know I'm the princess." -Autumn
"Oh you two. I'm going to go find us someplace to sit down. Why don't you both give me your bags so you don't have to carry them around with you." Autumn and I both hand our bags over.
We split up and Autumn turns to grab the pretzels, while I head towards the smoothie stand, and mom takes our bags towards the seating area. I take the opportunity to text Harry and tell him how my day is.
Riley to Harry: Be prepared. Autumn told mom all about you and she is ready to meet you and give you the third degree. Also, mom said you need to cool it on the tattoos before you look like an etch-a-sketch 😆
Harry to Riley: You want me to meet your parents already? Wow just tell me you are in love me and call it a day Anderson LOL
Riley: OH QUIT. You are just so full of yourself. How is your day?
Harry: It's been okay. We got a lot done today. You?
Riley: Good!! I figure we will eat, shop for a little while longer, then maybe watch a movie with mom. It's about a 3 hour drive with traffic.... I think we will get back around 7. Come over for dinner?
Harry: Deal. See you then. Ps send more pics of you trying clothes on. I really liked the dress earlier. Maybe you need to try on some lingerie too????
He is such a cheeky bastard. I did buy a little set while we were in the store, but I didn't tell him or show him yet. I figured I would leave it as a surprise for him to figure out in the future. However, I did send him pictures of some outfits I found earlier because I really was hoping he would say he missed me or something.
God, Autumn is right. I have gone soft for Harry.
"Hello Riley."
The moment I hear the greeting I notice the underlying tone that came with it. Both words were laced with such venom that my blood felt like it was turning to ice, my stomach dropped, my vision felt like it was becoming hazy, my hands were clammy, and I was not okay.
The only noise I register is my phone falling to the ground before my eyes are met with the same family brown ones I tried to delete from my memory.
They looked just like I remembered his eyes.
They had the same dark ring around them. The same almond shape. The same long lashes. It was all the same as I remember.
I couldn't breathe. I didn't remember how.
"Long time no see." Her voice was angry and I wanted to run away but my feet were planted and felt like I was glued to the spot. I wanted to sink into the cheap mall tile floor. Past the concrete, through the soil, and disappear into the Earth. I needed to be anywhere but here. I don't know what I was expecting, going out, being here, but I didn't think.
I try to clear my throat and it comes out as a hacking noise from deep within, "about six months." I barely say through thick breathing.
"Actually." She pointedly says to me, "It's been five months and fourteen days. It's not everyday you get to watch the monster that murdered your baby get off scot-free. It's a day that really sticks with you."
"I didn't-" She doesn't let me finish my sentence before a loud scoff comes from her mouth, making those around us start to notice the interaction. "Riley Anderson. You may have fooled everyone else, but I know the truth. I know what you did. You were an awful girlfriend to my son, he never loved you. You ruined his life and took it from me." Her voice was rising with every sentence and I felt all eyes on me.
I tried scanning the small crowd that was forming to find mom or Autumn. I needed someone.
My breathing was slowly speeding up and my chest was heaving. I felt small beads of sweat forming on my hairline while my eyes were begging her to stop before the tears come down full force.
"You are a monster. You are the reason I don't have more birthdays to celebrate. You are the reason I had to set an empty place at the dining room table. You took him from me." Luke's mom was practically screaming in my face at this point but I couldn't do anything about it.
My throat felt closed. My voice was gone. My heart was beating uncontrollably.
My hands were trembling, I felt dizzy, breathing was next to impossible, everything felt slow.
Why.
Riley say something.
Tell her the truth.
She knows the truth.
She knows. She doesn't care. She never has cared. It's you. You're the villain in her story and you always will be. You are the reason Luke isn't here. Luke is her baby and you ruined her life by taking him away. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I didn't even notice her berating had paused and was being overpowered by my own mother and Autumn shouting at her to leave me alone. The crowd hadn't budged even though a security guard had come to take control over the escalating situation.
Everything felt like the end of the world right now.
The end of my world.
Why am I here?
Why isn't Luke here?
I'm alive and he isn't. It's my fault. Mrs. Thompson's anger isn't misplaced right now. She's right. I'm the reason all this happened. I'm the reason someone is dead.
I can't stop it.
The hot tears start rolling down my face while my body is heaving as I try to catch my breath. Mom ushers me into a seat while kneeling in front of me on the ground to take my hands in hers. She was talking to me but I couldn't focus on her words to understand what she was saying to me. Autumn was nearby yelling on the phone to her parents, probably attempting to figure out how the entire protection order situation works out right now. It was a chance that we ended up in the same place, but it was unacceptable for her to contact me or interact.
Everything felt heavy right now.
My eyes felt heavy to keep open despite the tears that refused to stream down my face. My chest felt heavy with each breath I tried to take. My body felt heavy, it's as if I finally realized all the functions my head, lungs, and heart do. My body was refusing to function correctly and I had to sit here and remind it to do so or it would just give out and I would be over right here right now.
"Here honey. He can hear you, why don't you try to talk to him?" I felt mom pushing a phone against my ear and I didn't understand how talking to my dad would help right now.
"Baby. Can you hear me? Hey. I am so so sorry Riley." I lied. I wasn't used to it. The moment I hear Harry's thick accent come melting through the speaker of my phone I feel like part of the weight was lifted off my chest.
"Your mom told me what just happened. I am so sorry I am not there right now. Autumn told her to call me before she said she was going to talk to her parents. Talk to me. Try and tell me what you are thinking." Harry sounded like he was out of breath himself and I wanted to ask why but my mouth still refused to work. I didn't know how to be a person.
"Hey. Stop for a minute. I need you to listen to me Riley. Take a deep breath okay. In. Out. Breath with me here."
Harry was taking a breath in and out trying to get me to focus and control myself.
"Talk to me. Tell me what's on your mind please?"
Harry was being patient with me. Why? I don't deserve it. I'm an awful person. I have ruined someone else's life.
"It's my fault." I finally choke words out in between crying. My breathing was a little bit ragged and it felt like my lungs were engulfed in flames, but I finally spoke to Harry. Harry's intake of breath was sharp when he realized what I said.
"Riley. Not a single part of this is your fault. Why would you ever think that?" -Harry
"It's my fault." I choke on my own words and can't help but repeat the same mantra I have told myself after my nightmares plague me and ruin my sleep, harass my brain, and beat me down. "It's my fault. She was right. I took Luke away from her. I messed everything up."
"Baby. Please. I need you to listen to me. There are people that do really really fucked up things in life. I am one of them. But here is the thing, you aren't one of those people. What you did was protection. You didn't ruin anyone's life but your own by staying with that stupid fuck who never deserved you in the first place. He hurt you Riley. His family is trying to paint you as the bad guy because they refuse to accept the idea that their little boy could be anything less than perfect. Stop beating yourself up. Your mind is lying to you right now."
He is too patient with me. I don't deserve him.
"Your mind is probably telling you that this is your fault because of what she said. But it's wrong. You are one of the most amazing people I've ever met. You're beautiful, kind, smart, heart-warming, generous, loving, and overall you are an incredible person. You are so much more than you realize and you don't deserve any of what she said to you. I'm going to tell Autumn to bring you both home. I'll come get you and you can stay with me tonight. I'll put on one of those awful vampire movies you love to watch, and I'll get you candy and snacks. I'll run you a bath. Anything you want, I'll do it. Riley, please don't cry over this."
I try to continue breathing but all I want is to hug Harry and tell him just all the mean things my brain tells me all the time. I want to explain to him how I feel. How it feels being labeled a murderer when all you did was try to love someone who punished you for practically existing.
All I want is to feel loved without feeling like I am also a burden. Shouldn't the person who loves you want to do that without making you feel like you are weighing them down?
After what feels like hours I manage to tell myself that Harry is right and my brain is playing tricks on me. I manage to agree with Harry that I am going to come over, but I cannot begin to tell my mom just what's happening inside my head.
I don't want my mom to know.
My mom constantly worries about it. I know she does, I can see it in her eyes. No parent wants to see their kid this vulnerable, destroyed, hurt, suffering, or lost in life. Yet, here I am.
I just want to be okay again. I just want to feel fine.
I thought about my therapy sessions, journaling, group therapy, all of the stupid things I have done to better myself. I thought my brain was working, but now I am realizing I've just been a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. What if it scares Harry away? What if I break my moms heart?
I collect myself as best as I can and try to tell myself that I need to focus. I need to remind myself of what's the truth and what is a trick my mind is playing on me. I am not a bad person. I never have intentionally hurt anyone. I don't even really do illegal things. I overall am a good person. I have good intentions. I want to always strive to be a better person. This was never my fault.
The mantra is repeated in my head on a loop multiple times.
This is always the part of me I am scared for anyone to see. Harry might have a lot of demons, but so do I, and I really want to keep them buried.
***Author's Note Below***
There was a holiday on Monday and then this week I just fudged up. OOPS. Okay so guess what... this week Monday is actually Tuesday and here is the new chapter. SORRY!! <3
-T