warnings: minor mentions of self harm
age: 15
mother figure wanda
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Y/N's POV
Life is hard, everyone knows that. But it starts to feel a whole lot harder when you have an inability to feel.
And I don't mean physically. Mentally. Feelings cease to exist in my mind. It all started by blocking out my feelings on purpose, my last depressive episode was when I first started blocking out all the bad feelings. But now it's constant, I can't feel, and that's not by choice.
I can be calm. I can be fine. But I can't... feel. Unless it's anger. Because any anger I experience is so intense that it breaks that barrier between being able to feel and not being able to feel.
Someone asks 'how are you' and I don't know how else to answer other than 'fine'.
Since it's now breakfast time, Wanda comes into the kitchen, probably thinking that she's going to make me breakfast like she usually does but I'm already in the middle of making french toast.
"Oh, hey, sweetheart," she greets me in her usual chipper tone. "How ya doing?"
"Fine," I smile politely at the woman who has basically been my mom for five years now.
Wanda knows me better than anyone, so it doesn't surprise me that she sees right through me.
"You say that every time I ask," she points out. "Y/N, are you having trouble with identifying your feelings?"
What do I say? I can't exactly lie to her, she'll just read my mind if she senses any kind of distrust.
I choose to simply ignore her, and she lets me, which is a rarity.
In one of the biggest kitchens/dining rooms in the Avengers Compound, I move over to the stove with the plate that currently holds the not yet fried french toast and set it down right next to the frying pan that I'll be using.
Wanda, in the meantime, sits down on one of the island stools and gets out a magazine whilst I continue cooking.
In the process of placing the bread onto the pan, my hand catches the edge of the pan and I draw it back in pain, so fast that Wanda doesn't even see it happen.
In hindsight, it felt nice. Relieving.
This time when I place the second slice of bread into the pan, I 'accidentally' touch the hot part of it again. Except now, I don't pull away. I let my hand stay there and it helps me to breathe. A rush of endorphins flood my brain and suddenly, I feel the best I have in months.
"Y/N!" Wanda suddenly shrieks just before standing up and hurriedly running over to lift my hand from the pan. "Jesus Christ. Why didn't you pull your hand away?!" she asks, inspecting the burn.
Before I can even answer, she drags me over to the sink and holds my hand under the cold tap water.
After a while, it gets too cold and I try to pull my hand away but she keeps a firm grip.
"Honey, can you talk to me? Can you tell me why you did this?"
"... Did what? It was an accident."
She looks at me knowingly. "We both know that it was no accident. I just need you to tell me why you did it. I won't judge you. I know you're not okay. I just need to know how not-okay you are."
I sigh and look at the floor. "I don't... I don't feel anything. I'm not like numb, I just don't have emotions. I don't know how to explain it."
Wanda nods in understanding. "You don't have to. I think I get what you mean. I'm really sorry that I never pushed enough to find this out sooner. Do you have any idea why it is that you can't feel anything? Is it maybe because you grew up in a household where you couldn't feel your feelings safely?"
This woman knows me more than I know myself.
Maybe she's right. Maybe that is the reason why. It would make sense.
"Oh, my darling," she sighs after seeing me on the verge of tears. It won't last long. I can only begin to cry but no matter how hard I try to resist, I'll block it off unwillingly.
"Come on, my dear. Let's go sit down, okay?" she says, turning the tap off and guiding me over to the couch that's right in front of the panoramic window.
"Y/N, my love, I know that it's very hard not to be able to feel your emotions, but hurting yourself is not the solution. So what's gonna happen is: I'm gonna talk to the team counsellor and she'll have a few sessions with you and then you and I are gonna spend a lot more time with each other so that I can prove to you that you're safe enough to feel. Does that sound okay with you?"
Nodding, I cuddle into my comfort person and hug her tight, feeling as she does the same.
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bit of a sad one and i dislike it a lot but anywayyy how is everyone?:)
also istg these one shots are so dead now