♡︎george's pov♡︎
TW:
drugs
The simple idea of needing to be perfect was insisted in my mind since I was little. I was encouraged to make honour roll, to win awards, to be likeable, to dress nicely, to be a team captain, to be good enough for others.
While these are good things, this mindset slowly becomes unhealthy.
As I grew older and discovered who I truly want to be I had this idea forced into my mind of that's 'generally acceptable'. and that if i was to step out of this comfort zone I should feel guilt and shame towards myself.
I stopped trying to be perfect for other people, but mainly for myself. I started to do what I found love and comfort in, music.
The reality is that in the long run no one will care what you do with your life and if you 'embarrass' yourself it's fine, everyone will forget about it.
To avoid the feeling of being embarrassed is to not care what others think of you. Embarrassment is the paranoia of knowing that everyone else around you is having mocking thoughts of you, the trick is to not make yourself paranoid about it so you don't feel embarrassed. That's what I do.
When mine and the bands fame started to rise, So did the publics expectations of normalisation, That's when I gave up on trying. well not exactly.
The moment I gave up on keeping my public image safe was the second I was offered my first little pill of molly in a underground nightclub, it was a little green one with a smile printed on it, most of the pills had some dumb little appetising childish image on them.
We found out last week that the 'serious phone call' Wilbur was on was actually an arrangement for a tour with another band, apparently him and Niki have been working on it a lot for a while without telling me, Tubbo, or Tommy.
Now we are on a flight to North Carolina to start it.
No matter how hard I protested I couldn't get out of a tour around America, at end of the day work is work. I had to cancel all of my frats for the next few months which broke my heart but it wasn't end of the word.
The coldness of the glass rubbed against my forehead, it felt painful as the cold burned into my head but at the same time it soothed my migraine from the other day that faintly lingered.
I'm so glad that I got the window seat, Niki gets slightly sick and Tommy wanted to sit closer to Tubbo and Wilbur who were sat on the row beside us, the isle spilt them apart.
I felt nauseous and tired, not because of lack of sleep or the plane. I wasn't scared of the plane itself I was more scared of my withdrawals. Methadone helps with withdrawals and Wilbur insisted I started taking that but it just means I have to reach out for help to get it. I refuse to do that.
My issue so I have to solve it on my own.
Beside me, Tommy and Niki were playing gin rummy, they always played that when we were on planes to gigs and most of the time I joined but I didn't feel like it this time.
I played with the fishnet that hugged my thighs, they were too tight around the top of my legs and printed little outlines of the diamonds in a raw red mark.
As the trolley with the foods on passed I cursed at myself for not bringing much cash in my carry on, I could really do with some champagne or something just so something was in my system, even if it was something as little as a sip of alcohol.
But, I managed to distract myself by watching Niki and Tommy's game, after all it was a long flight we had ahead of us, London to North Carolina.
By the end of the game Niki won, it was extremely close though and got me on the end of my seat, they were quickly placing down cards desperate for victory.
"That was close" I said as Niki chanted quiet celebrations, people were asleep so she had to be.
Through bubble gum pink hair and large circular glasses she gave me a cheerful smile.
"Are you exited for tour?" Niki asked, nudging me slightly.
I wanted to say yes but it hurts to not be honest with Niki, her soul is too pure.
"No I'm a bit nervous to be honest, I don't know why but I am" I told her, giving her a reassuring look.
Out the window it was dark, we got an overnight flight since it would be more quiet and we will have the whole day ahead of us, we are suppose to sleep on the plane so we were energised in the morning.
Falling asleep anywhere wasn't a problem for me so I could fall asleep in minutes if I tried, tubbo and Wilbur already were asleep.
"It will be fine, just a long tour, make memories and make it fun" she told me, keeping up with that warm smile.
My skin started to itch a little, it's been around 12 hours since I took something and I needed something to keep me going. I slid my hand between my thighs to hide the fact it was trembling and my head started to begin light, as if I was floating in a dream.
It felt like I was on cloud nine if it was a torture chamber.
It was easy to smuggle the only small plastic bag of weed I brought with me. I shoved it in the waist band of my pants and security didn't flash a glance, I had to drown my self in cologne this morning though to disguise the smell as good as possible.
It was enough to last me a week or so, that's enough time to hit a club in one of the states where I pray is a dealer of some sort, hopefully I can get stuff off him without being caught by the public eye.
I know I'm going to struggle these next few months crammed in a tour bus with Wilbur and sharing room with tommy, I can't just leave back to my apartment when I get annoyed and I won't be able to have what I count as fun.
"We will make great memories sharing a room together gogs, no boys over though" he warned, leaning forward to join in on the chat.
I rolled my eyes and looked at him "of course not, I'm not that much of a slag" I scoffed.
"You sure about that gogs, got stuff on your neck again" Tommy whispered, trailing a finger down his own neck while pulling a disgusted expression.
Niki let out a little giggle and my hand swooped the travel cushion she had around her neck and wrapped it on mine instead to cover it.
Her head went flying back on the seat and she squealed, instantly covering her mouth though in case anyone woke up.
She didn't try to snatch it back and I'm glad, its actually really comfy.
Sinking into the cushion, I fell into a deep chat with her, we spoke about how our band has grown and how we have changed ourselves. me, Niki and Wilbur are the originals of our band, it was always just us in a garage until Tommy and Tubbo joined together after begging Wilbur to for ever.
Every since then we have been like one happy family, sort of. Every so often there is always a fall out or a disagreement that causes some conflict but by the end of the gig everyone is friends again.
Out of everyone in the band I only like Niki, Tommy is too loud, tubbo is very different to me and Wilbur is just cold.
While I was speaking to Niki I felt the back of my chair jolt, this is what I hate about economy flights, little kids booting back of your chair.
I chose to ignore the first few kicks and convinced myself it was an accident but now it won't stop, I can hear him squealing to his mother and her trying to hush him.
The noise continues for another few minutes and the kicking gets harder, Tommy laughs at my chair constantly shaking and I give him a look which shuts him up.
Niki falls asleep not so long later but Tommy stays awake, playing offline games on his phone. Neither of us dare to speak in case we wake up Niki since she isn't in a deep sleep yet.
By watching how peaceful she sleeps I kind of regret taking the pillow from her but it is what it is, eventually I let my eyes flutter close too once the kicking stops.
I get woken up by the loud plane speakers announcing that we are fifteen minutes away and should experience some turbulence soon. The voice clearly wakes up other people due to all of the groans and yawns that filled the once quiet plane.
Some people hurriedly scuffle about to put their stuff into their carry ones and I do the same, I only took out a pack of cards I had for tommy and Niki along with a a granola bar tubbo gave me that I never ended up eating.
I don't wake up in a groggy, hungover mood I usually wake up in, I feel cloudy. Maybe it's because we are in the clouds and the pressure is messing with my head or maybe it's the face this has been the cleanest I've been in just over a year, which is sad because it's only been twelve hours. I don't get how I'm still alive some times.
I think of the small plastic bag stuffed against the waist band of my pants and how the sharp corners of the seal itches me, I was also itching with temptation to take it out and to take it on the plane right now if it was only possible.
Wilbur leans over to us three and asks if we are okay, waking Niki in the process since she some how managed to sleep through the guy on the speakers.
"Niki" Wilbur whispered, poking at her knee while basically sprawled across Tommy trying to reach.
She groaned and shuffled about in her seat, digging her face into the cushion of the chair.
"We are landing any second now come on Niki" Wilbur softly spoke, nudging her a little. He had a soft spot when it came to her and tommy which annoyed me, why didn't he treat me like that? Why was I the one who else got the bad end of a stick.
She sat up finally and looked around, giving me a smile through a droopy face. I've already placed some of her stuff back into her bag and threw it into the over the top compartment.
All the sudden my stomach dropped, my ears popped and my vision went funny. I could tell we were landing.
I've grown to become familiar with this feeling, the jet lag that comes with it too, I'm very prone to that.
If I knew how much flying this job has then I wouldn't of taken it on, and the amount of events is annoying.
When we hit the floor I was looking out the window, it was a relief slowly watching the faint dainty lights of the runway into vision.
The planes economy class area was suffocating and I felt like I was choking, the seats stunk of sweat and it was too noisy to the point it was uncomfortable. Constant snoring of old men and squeals of young children refused to give you even a split second of peace.
I can't stand small spaces as it is never mind one full of sweaty snoring men and energetic yappy children. It makes me glad that we are being stuffed in a tour bus apart from dirty hotels and a series of planes from place to place, I know we may be a nice band but our budget isn't that high on a tour.
I look out the window and see the run way of North Carolina coming into view, small illuminating lights lined the side of the wide tarmac road and I could see a large building, the airport.
A few cries and complaints from nervous people came from the row in front of me and I felt like slamming my head against the window. I should be use to public spaces by now since every few weeks I am trapped in a small compact room on stage with hundreds of people.
We left the airport quick, Wilbur was starting to get sick of the airport and Tubbo was falling asleep while walking, he had to use Tommy as walking support as we made our way through the American airport.
One of the airport security guards followed us like a guard dog, I could only presume Wilbur hired him and he looked savage.
The man was around 6,5 I'd say and had slick back black hair, he definitely worked out at least twice a day.
I only really paid attention to the guy when he shook his head and snapped at every fan who even held their camera up in our direction, he has the eye of an eagle but maybe was a little too strict. After all it wasn't like it was a secretive tour, it's the only thing that's been on my mind ever since I got told.
The guard took Tubbo's case in one hand and his badge in the other, he shown it to every security check in we passed and we got to skip the ques which I thought was a little unfair, but that wasn't my problem. At end of the day it saves me waiting around.
We took a night flight so we were there for the morning, we were meeting the other band later on in the evening at a club so we can all have 'fun together'. I will probably end up going off to find a dealer of some sort.
American airports were similar to the ones back in Britain, both of them had that classic white marble flooring with the same fast food places. They even had that same putrid stench of sweat and cheap perfume from the perfume shops.
As we were walking Wilbur was making phone calls to our band support team. Our driver, Phil was going to be waiting outside in the tour bus shortly.
"Come on guys pick up the pace, Phil's almost there and we can't have him wait it's rude" Wilbur complained, starting to increase his walking speed. The annoying squeak of his shoes against the tiled floor got on my nerves.
Tommy and Niki sped up, Tubbo slowly limped Besides me.
"It's even more rude making us walk faster after we have been sat down for like 9 hours?" I stated, slowing down just so it got on his nerves.
It was fun messing with him, getting under his skin was my expertise's and I knew how to tick him off over the edge like the back of my hand.
He hates it when people give their honest opinion, Wilbur soot expects every one to comply just because he is some big famous singer who takes majority of the credit for the band.
He is also the most two faced twat I have ever met, in front of fans all he gives is compliments and warm smiles but the second he is out the spotlight all we receive is scowls and 'feedback on how we could do better', which was a two hour long briefing after every gig about everything we did wrong. He always found an issue, especially when it came to me.
"Yes George, you can sit down once we get in there. Just hurry." He spat, casting a look back at me as he strode.
Brown curls bounced around with every step he took in his squeaky shoes and that same, solemn, pissed off, look remained engraved on his face.
Warm, humid American air hit me like a relief, there was a soft breeze which didn't make it too hot but at the same time it wasn't windy enough to blow my hair around and make me shiver in my steps.
Outside was a classic morning hustle, it was busy since it was an airport after all but it wasn't too busy since it was 6am American time, our flight left at midnight so we was there by 9am British time, which translates to 5am American. It took us around an hour to wait at baggage claim and to hustle out.
The bus stood out compared to the other vehicles in the parking lot, it was easily 12 metres long and had two story's to it. Most sleeper buses that belong to bands are fun and colourful, maybe with some designs on but that's not possible for our band when you have shitbur soot as the main man.
"Looks fancy." Tommy wolf whistled, looking the bus up and down as if it was some sort of girl.
"It's cost us a shit ton of money, don't ruin anything in it" Wilbur warned, but before he got towards the final word Tommy and Tubbo had already sprinted off like two little pellets.
Wilbur had already sorted out room arrangements, Tubbo and Wilbur share, me and tommy are bunked together and Niki gets her own room since she is a woman.
"I feel ill already" Niki sulked, looking down at the rough pebbled floor.
"Head to sleep when we get in then, we still have an hour of driving until we get to the place and you can just sleep all day" I told her, giving her a smile and a nudge.
The plastic seal of the packet still itched me still, to check on it I casually slid a hand up my waist to feel my bare skin, my shirt covering my hand now. My skin felt cold and raw from the irritation, the tour bus was only seconds away now.
"Yeh I'm going to collapse on that bed when we get in." She laughed, I laughed as well to be polite.
My head automatically prepared to rush into the room to get rid of this stupid thing. In my other hand, I dragged my suitcase along the messy gravel in a tight clutch.
I walked into the room Tommy had already claimed for us and slipped the packet under my pillow, well I could guess it was my bed since Tommy already dumped his stuff onto the other bed.
Two beds were low on the ground and two cheap oak wardrobes were on the end of both of the beds, they had that crappy, thin, blank bedsheets that hotel rooms have with the flimsy pillow. Our carpet was also thin and had very little volume to it.
Echo's of immature shouting came from tubbo being smacked by a pillow in the living area. Quickly followed by stomps of tommy running away laughing down the hallway.
"Hey gogs, excited to share?" Tommy asked, leaning against the door frame out of breath from play fighting.
"Absolutely thrilled." I sarcastically replied.
—-
A/N
The next chapter is where they all meet so don't lose interest too quickly, I have started my school studying for gsce's so I won't be able to write as much but I will try. I already have most of the chapters written down I just need to edit them and make up some filler chapters for before.
Midway through making this dream has decided to actually go on tour with dream team so I guess that's good for writing idk
i dont like the lack of dialogue in this chapter
start date: 16th august
end date: 4th October
words: 3359
dreams music album just came out and holy shit paranoid is so good i cant get over it