The next day, in the morning, I sat opposite to my father in the dining hall, having breakfast. None of us said a word. It was weird, seeing him again, especially in this situation. When my father finished eating, he put down his cutlery, taking the napkin.
"I have two interviews today, so I'll be back in the evening." He wiped his mouth, then looked at me. "What are you gonna do?"
"I guess I'll just take a look around the city", I answered, still eating. He nodded. "Alright then. I have to go. See you later." "See you." He took his suit jacket and left the hall. I looked out of the window, seeing the bright sun burning down on the city. It was way too warm for my sweater, but I had nothing else to wear. Perhaps I'd find new clothes here - since I didn't earn any money during the summer holidays, I had saved more than enough beforehand, and I could even afford buying a new summer dress.
Two hours later, wearing a colourful summer dress and a hat, I was feeling much better. Walking down the shopping mile, I looked for a good café. At first, I wanted to go to the historic promenade, but it was full of people already and I just needed something calmer at the moment. If it were night, I'd surely still be crying. Since last week, I'd been crying so much that it started to annoy me, really.
Eventually, I found a café, ordered a cappuccino and sat down at a small table, looking out of the window. Some people were just talking quietly, others were working (on a Sunday, by the way), and a couple of people were reading. I didn't want to do anything but observing, and thinking of what to do next.
I didn't want to make this decision. I didn't want to shut Johan out of my life, but I also didn't know whether I could still trust him. But as I told father yesterday, Johan had never done anything to me. On the contrary, he had made my life so much better. And it wasn't as if he didn't warn me about his past. I knew he had been fighting, trying to cope with his crimes. From our first date in Hamburg in March, I knew he was torn inside. Him walking on the edge of that high building, asking me strange questions... back then, it had sent shivers down my spine. But when I dragged him off the edge, driving him home, I saw he was deeply troubled. And not only then - when we confessed our love, he had clearly warned me.
"You don't know me. I may have told you some things about my past here and there, and I might have told you some anecdotes from my life to see you laugh, but what really happened in my past is much darker than this. I don't want it to be a part of me anymore, but I can't guarantee that it will go away. After all, I've spent the biggest part of my life under these conditions, in my own vacuum... so it shaped who I am today. There's a reason why I don't have contact to my mother, my twin sister and all the other people from my life."
Right. He had been honest with me all along.
"If you only knew... What I did in the past is terrible. So terrible that I don't want to tell anyone, not even you. You remember when I told you I was shot in the head twice, right? I totally deserved it."
He was aware of what he had done. And I had told him that I knew and loved the current Johan - and I meant it. I still loved him with all my heart, and I missed him dearly. I remembered his tears, his adorable smile when I told him I loved him... I knew he hadn't been acting that day. He had been deprived of love and finally found someone who would love him unconditionally... I understood why he didn't want to tell me about his past.
I took the last sip of my cappuccino, quietly grunting out of frustration. Back then, when Erik and I broke up, I drowned my feelings in alcohol. At first, it was just a little, but when I was already addicted, it was hard to let go of it. Right now, the thought of drinking crossed my mind again, but I didn't want to make the same mistake as I did back then, and even a few months ago, when Johan first broke off contact.
I finally came to a conclusion. I had to talk things out with Johan. I wasn't ready to give him up just like that, even if it might have been a naive decision. I wanted, no, I needed him by my side. I wanted him to embrace me, to kiss me, to want me... just as much as I wanted him.
I finally returned to the hotel. My father wasn't back yet. I went inside my room, wrote a note and slid it underneath his front door.
Dad,
I've decided to leave Bremen and return home again. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. Johan is not the same person he used to be. I assure you I'll be safe.
Thank you for protecting me. I never would have thought we'd meet again under such circumstances, but I appreciate you caring for me. I know my behaviour yesterday wasn't appropriate. I'm sorry.
I hope this wasn't the last time we met. I just want you to know that, despite everything that happened, you have a place in my heart.
Have a good night.
Klara
Luckily, I caught a train home, which was not that easy on Sundays. It was 6 PM when we arrived in the suburbs of Hamburg, so it wasn't long until home. I was glad to be in my city again. I looked at my phone. Johan hadn't tried to text or call me, but I'd call him soon. But Annika had texted me, asking me if I was free next week, so we could meet up and prepare our plans for next school year together. I agreed, and was surprisingly happy that I'd be a little busy with work again.
But for today, I had enough. Too much had happened, and I needed time to process. I felt relief as the train crossed the bridge across the river.
Everything was gonna be alright.
It was Wednesday morning when I was sitting in the city train to university. I hadn't seen Klara since Saturday, ever since Gillen took her away. I wondered whether she was alright, or if I was on her mind, just like she was on mine.
I knew I told her that I'd quietly leave, and that I said farewell, but the more time passed, the more I knew I didn't want to say my final goodbye. I missed her so much, and I also wanted to be there for her - walking out of her life wasn't an option for me - at least not without trying to solve things.
I should've just told her earlier what my past was about. Sighing, I stood up from my seat, walking through the opening doors. Someone else passed me by, walking into the city train. I felt so numb, and to think that I had to concentrate on my next lecture now - I wondered whether I'd be able to do that.
Wait.
I turned around to look at the train. The person passing by looked strangely familiar. I caught a glimpse of the tall man's face. He looked a little older now than on the photo, but I recognised his sharp eyes right away, my mind screaming alarm.
It was him!