Today was finally the day of my first two-on-one date. I was extremely nervous, because I didn't know what I would do, or what decision I would make.
I knew I had to follow my heart, but part of me was scared about the consequences of my decisions.
*At the mansion*
There was a knock on the door, before Chris Harrison entered the hotel room, where everyone was chilling in the living room.
"Gentlemen, good afternoon. How's everyone doing?" He asked as he approached them.
"We're doing good, Chris." Theo answered.
"Good, I'm glad." Chris made a pause. "So, as you might have figured out by now, there is one last date this week. A two-on-one."
Everyone nodded. Josh looked annoyed and Shawn looked kind of concerned.
"Shawn, Josh. There is a car outside waiting to take you to your date." He looked at both men. "Remember to take this time to talk to Alanna and figure out all of your concerns. Have a good day, gentlemen."
With that, Chris walked away and everyone was left thinking.
"Well, I guess we'll see each other later. Or maybe not." Shawn said as he stood up from the couch and turned around to face the guys.
"Have a good date, brother." Alexander said, approaching him to give him a Pat on the back.
"Thanks."
He exited the room without saying anything else, Josh following suit without having said anything at all. Everyone could see he was having a hard time with who he was having to share the date with.
*Back with Alanna*
I was standing up, looking at the beautiful scene before me, waiting for Josh and Shawn, as I was trying to figure out what both my heart and head were trying to tell me.
I had seen an ugly part of Josh that I didn't like, and Kyle's voice was playing in the back of my head. He had been right when we talked, I had seen a serious red flag with Josh, but my heart had a special place for him.
I was truly conflicted.
My relationship with Shawn had been good, we did talk and I felt secure with him, but sometimes I felt like all of our conversations revolved around Josh. I knew they didn't like each other, that was very clear.
But, at the end of the day, I owed it to myself and both relationships to figure out a way to make my brain and heart be on the same page.
Too immersed in my thoughts, I didn't realize both Josh and Shawn were arriving to where I was standing. It wasn't until one of them cleared their throat that I snapped out of it.
"Oh, hi. I'm sorry." I said with a chuckle as I approached them to give them a hug. "How are you guys?"
"Good, how are you?" Josh answered as he grabbed my hand.
"I'm good. So excited to be here, enjoying this beautiful view and wonderful weather." I said with a smile.
"It is nice indeed. You don't get to see this kind of nature back home." Shawn said as we sat down on the blanket that was on the grass under us.
"Yeah, it is beautiful." I said before staying silent for a few moments. I sighed. "I know you were probably shocked when you figured out the date was a two-on-one."
Josh chuckled. "That's putting it nicely."
I decided to brush off Josh's tone and continue with what I was going to say.
"It's come to a point in this journey where I need to start reflecting and making more difficult decisions. I know you know that one of you won't be returning to the house, so this will be the last time we see each other."
"Yeah, we know." Shawn said in a quiet voice.
"So let's go talk." I said as I stood up. "Josh, do you wanna come with me?" I asked.
He stood up and grabbed my hand. "Let's go."
We walked to a separate place, to where a couch was placed under a big umbrella, protecting us from the sun.
As I was about to say something, Josh interrupted me.
"Can I say something?" He asked and I nodded. "I don't know if I ever told you how I came to the show, but my best friends actually signed me up. All through out the process, I always thought that it was an absolute joke, and not something I would enjoy. But when I got to know you, my mind changed. This setting of 'finding love' isn't just about love for someone else, but also for yourself. I'm not a man who likes to talk about his feelings, because I was taught that showing emotions made you weak, but all of this, and especially you, has taught me the opposite. I want to be a better man, for you and myself."
"I know a lot of people think of this as a joke, but it isn't. For third parties this process is a farce, a joke, but only those who take the process seriously know that it works and you do find what you are looking for. For some people who have been part of this show, the process has not worked, but for other people it has."
"And I was like that. I thought of this as a joke, but now I know it is really, and it works."
"I am full of hope that I will walk out of here with the love of my life." I said with a smile.
"And I hope you see that in me at the end, because I can tell you that I am falling in love with you." He smiled as he grabbed my hand. "Alanna, there are not enough words to describe what an incredible human being you are, and I would be so honored to be in your life forever."
"Thanks for saying that." I said.
"But?" He asked, sensing my hesitation.
"I'm just a little conflicted. I don't doubt your feelings towards me, because in some way, I have similar feelings, but I just question the future of this relationship."
"Why?"
I sighed. "I wonder if our characters and personalities truly match in a correct way."
"You're not making any sense." He said with a chuckle.
"I've seen two very different sides of you. One where you are a sweetheart, a humble, intelligent, passionate and loving man. You just said that you grew up with the idea that showing emotions was a weakness and that you rarely show any, but I've seen you be emotionally vulnerable with me. I know it's not easy, but I've seen it."
"Thank you."
"But I've also seen a man who reacts badly, who has a short fuse and reacts before thinking. We all have our tempers, I have mine, but I've seen you yell at the guys about literally silly things and being rude to them, and me." I paused. "This is why I'm conflicted, because I care so deeply about you, but I also question if it is the right thing."
"I know my last outburst scared you, I even scared myself. I know it was a cope out. I got nervous and intimidated with what you told me, so I did the only thing I could, I shut down and reacted before thinking about everything or talking to you. It was wrong of me, and I'm sorry."
"The day that all of this happened, you got upset because I didn't go with you when you came looking for me. I couldn't step away from my conversation with Shawn, because we were talking about something very personal, so I stayed there, but as soon as we were finished, I went to you."
"Yeah."
"And I was trying to have a conversation with you, but you were short with me, kind of giving me attitude. Why?"
"I was upset that you chose Shawn out of all people before me."
"But I didn't choose him. I chose to continue a conversation and then go to you. You got aggressively mad about something so trivial."
"But it isn't trivial. I got mad because of how Shawn was acting towards me and then because of you choosing to stay instead of coming with me."
"Let me ask you something, why don't you like Shawn?"
"It's not that I don't like him, it's just that our personalities crash."
"No, you do dislike him. Since day one there has been a weird dynamic between you two. I don't know what it is."
"Well, then I don't like him because of how he has treated me. I know last time I called him an ass, but he really is. He has this passive-aggressive attitude with me and I don't like that. I have tried to be amicable with him, but he makes it so hard."
"Really?" I asked, confused and kind of shocked. He nodded. "I'm confused."
"Maybe you should talk to him. But make sure you don't fall for his lies. He is charming, but don't let that facade fool you. He is passive-aggressive behind your back."
I sighed. "Okay." I said.
I stood up from the couch and walked away, leaving Josh alone while I went back to talk to Shawn.