Reviewer: -cookiesnmilk-
Title: Fall of Dragonesia
Author: _abhipreeti_
Title: 10/10
I like the title. Short, simple, meaningful. One look at it tells me a lot about the story. 'Dragonesia' screams 'dragons', and 'fall of dragonesia' makes me think of adventure and action. Because defeating dragons is no easy task. And the fact that it isn't just 'fall of dragons', but 'fall of dragonesia', I already know there's a whole different world in your book. Great choice.
Cover: 3/10
Well, all I can say is, such a good title does not look good on a cover like that. When I first saw your cover, all I saw was black and a purple line in the middle. Upon close inspection, I realised that the 'black' was actually a dragon and the purple line was fire(?). A simple dragon in the cover doesn't explain anything. Maybe show some other stuff like our main character Alana and probably war elements. Some kind of city in the background with smoke, the mc in the middle, a dragon behind her emitting fire, and some weapons? Can you picture what I'm trying to say? I'll PM you some really good designers here on Wattpad, and you can also check out the Gemme Community's designer shop.
Also the text placement should be changed. Centralise it and make sure the word 'Dragonesia' is bigger than the other two so when someone first sees the cover, it grabs their attention.
Blurb: 8/10
The blurb is good in the sense that it is not the summary of the book, but an actual blurb. I like how you have structured it, but it has punctuation mistakes and some sentences should be altered for better readability.
Also, the question you ask at the end is very obvious and cliché. By the end of the blurb, everyone has this question in mind. There is absolutely no need to state it. If you really want to ask a question at the end to hook readers, try something that will plant a seed of doubt in their minds. Maybe question Leon's honesty? Or if you have an interesting plot twist, hint at it through a question.
Take a look at this edited blurb:
The human world has fallen.
The mankind is now ruled by the humanised dragons, also known as the Dragonesians, who can reside in both their human and dragon form. Vicious and cruel, the monsters are ready to devour anyone who breaks the Dragonesian Laws.
However, Alana Thornheart, an eighteen-year-old human, is not someone to back down.
When she finds out about a certain plan of the Dragonesians, she sets out to stop a revolution that could possibly destroy both humans and Dragonesians forever, with several risks and dangers lying ahead. On top of it, Leon, the Dragonesian prince, who claims to despise the members of his own species, joins Alana on her mission.
Does Leon really wish to end the injustice in the Dragonesian World or is it just a conspiracy to destroy Alana's plans?
You are free to use this blurb for your book if you like.
Writer's Craft: 8/10
Your writing is very effective! I really, really love it. The fantasy genre requires descriptive writing and you've done well in that part. However, improvement is still needed in some areas. I will provide detailed feedback on the first chapter so that you can get an idea about where you need improvement.
1. Alana's mother was dead.
We don't know Alana. We don't know her mother. I can't sympathise with her. People die all the time in this world. Your readers feel for your characters when they get to know them. This sentence is effective in grabbing the reader's attention, but it doesn't have that effect you're trying to go for. Try something like, "Alana's mother lay lifeless on the ground as blood oozed out of her open stomach, painting the dragon's lips red who was feeding off of her intestines."
Now, this is something which does not happen to everyone. It also introduces your entire story. Dragons. Blood. Injustice. War.
2. For better readability, try to make your sentences simple.
For example, "Streams of painful tears plummeted down from her eyes." should be "Streams of painful tears plummeted down her eyes."
Similarly, "The screams of Alana were only accompanied by..." should be "Alana's screams were only accompanied by..."
In your daily life, how often do you use 'of' to show possession? I'm guessing quite less. Reader's will comprehend the text better if it's in their daily usage.
3. But in vain......... in anger.
This paragraph is really good (other than punctuation mistakes). I can picture everything in my mind and I'm totally disgusted by the cruel dragon. Like, I actually thought I might throw up. Awesome work here. However, the sentence, "A revolting smirk danced on his lips as he watched the girl, whimpering at the memory of her mother and burning within in anger." has structuring issues.
Reading the sentence, it seems like the dragon was whimpering and burning in anger (which is quite a funny image). Edit the sentence like this, "A revolting smirk danced on his lips as watched the girl, who was whimpering at the memory of her mother and burning with anger." (Also, use any one; either 'with anger' or 'in anger').
4. There was no doubt that Alana was the prey and he was the predator.
You state it yourself; there was no doubt. Then why write this sentence? Your readers already know this. There is no use stating the obvious.
5. I noticed that you try to use formal language, and as a result, make your sentences complex. Doing this does you no favour. It only makes the sentences sound a little awkward.
Let's take an example.
You write, "The dragon, whereas, felt aggravation seeping through him, due to not receiving the reaction, he had desired."
You can simply write, "The dragon felt aggravation seep through him; he did not receive the reaction he had desired."
You also say, "The dragon did expect Alana to walk on her own accord. And he cheered inside his mind when she did begin walking."
It can be written as, "The dragon expected Alana to walk on her own accord. And he cheered mentally when she began walking."
6. The overall craft is really good. I can see where the story will go by reading the first chapter, but the whole picture is still blurry. Which is good because you don't want your readers to guess the entire plot after reading the first chapter.
7. Your characters have distinct voices. Good work.
8. Your writing is very descriptive and I really love it. Keep up the good work.
9. Your scenes flow smoothly, and transitions are not awkward. You've done a great job at plotting your story.
Punctuation/Grammar: 4/10
Your grammar is fine, but punctuation needs help. You should look up the rules yourself because there are so many. However, I can tell you what areas need improvement.
1. You use a lot of commas. Many are irrelevant. A link is attached inline where you can find all the rules.
2. You also struggle with punctuating dialogue. There are many cases of wrong capitalisation.
3. Some sentences also do not make sense because of wrong punctuation.
4. Similarly, there are a few cases of incorrect grammar.
You can PM me for examples if you want.
Characters: 10/10
Okay, I just LOVE your characters! Especially Alana and Leon. They're so unique and humanised. I feel for them. I just can't explain how awesome they are.
Plot: 10/10
The plot is just *chef's kiss*. AWESOME!
Your interesting plot is what keeps the readers intrigued. At the end of every chapter, I was so hooked. And the messages you give through your writing are really good. And you blend them in your writing so well. It's just SO good.
Overall Comment:
Your book has the potential to become a masterpiece. Your narration, the plot, characters, they're really good. All you need to do is work on your first impression, punctuation, and a little bit of sentence structure. Otherwise, your book is probably one of the best fantasy novels out there.