SCRIPTURIENT REVIEWS | OPEN

❄ THE BLADES OF CHAOS | SILVER ❄

Reviewer: PeterPan2210
Reviewee: TragicHel
Story Reviewed: The blades of Chaos
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                     Overall comments
A few minor changes required otherwise this book is a good read.
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Cover:
9/10

It works but it didn’t give me the fantastical vibe that it deserves in actuality. Maybe something shinier, and bolder.

Oh and plus, the visibility of your username and the subtitle is not good. So maybe change font. I suggest having someone from a cover shop make the cover for you, yeah? Otherwise all good.

Description:
8.5/10

Reveals a bit much, don’t you think? Cut out the part after I’m innocent maybe? Revealing that she’s a faerie warrior, one of a kind, special and a fugitive? That’s pretty much the entire story. Leave it at innocent.
Otherwise, it was great.

Basic plot:
9.7/10

I really liked it. I’ve tried a lot of fantasy stories the three years that I’ve been on Wattpad but I’ve never seen a plot quite like yours. Of course, the “unique warrior who’s been cut out of their community for something bad they did” part is the same on almost all of them but the warriors are usually born different. Your character was experimented upon by her biological mother, so it gave me flash/Captain America but evil biological mother type vibes. Which is really good.

What I didn’t like was the “Will, my brother’s best friend, was my childhood crush" part. That was so cliché, my entire body cringed. The childhood crush thing is soooooo overused that at this point I feel like I missed out on having a childhood crush only because I’m a single child and have no other sibling. It makes me pity myself (jkjk) but I’ve only taken like 0.3 off for that so yeah. Justified.

Grammar + Punctuations + Spelling:
8/10

The Grammar’s okay, it’s not exceptional though. There aren’t a lot of grammar mistakes but there are some.

There’s a few rogue commas and full stops here and there. Work on that.

There’s two or three spelling mistakes, I remember seeing them, I don’t remember where though. If you want, I can look it over and point it out in the inline comments or you can look it over, either is fine.

Structure/Tone + Tense + Voice:
7/10

I liked the idea but I didn’t like the execution of the idea as much. You keep breaking the fourth wall. You know what the fourth wall is right? It’s where you directly talk to your reader instead of mentioning them in third person, so for example, you have these lines (pardon me if they’re a bit garbled):

“The weapons room, as you must have guessed, was full of sharp weapons"

Why have you used “you"? You could’ve just used, “..as one would’ve guessed..”.

So, don’t break the fourth wall. Yes you’re writing in First Person but the fourth wall thing is mostly not something professional writers do, or well, they haven’t done it yet according to my reading experience up until today.

Actually no, Rick Riordan has done it a few times in PJO series and Trials of Apollo series, but he’s used to doing it and is a pro at it so yeah. Plus the situation demands it. If you don’t wish to change it, that’s fine, don’t. It’s just that I saw it and it didn’t fit in that well with the prose, so yeah.

The second problem was, you've written in too many individual sentences. Why not string two sentences together using “and" or “or" or “as" or “because"or just plain commas and semi colons etc?

For example, you’ve written:
“I stood outside the gates of the camp. It was nowhere near Aties or my home. It was actually far away, and since it was only for the warrior kids….”

Instead of separating the two initial sentences, you could’ve written:
“I stood outside the gates of the camp, quite far away from both Aties and my home. And  since it was only for the…”

So the former statement has too many individual sentences plus gets your point across and the latter is concise, and gets your point across.

When writing mysterious scenes, you need individual sentences for shock/suspense value but this is a normal scene, nothing mysterious about it. Therefore, it needs to be concise with good expression

You’ve done the “many sentences” thing at a lot of places which is usually not preferable unless it’s being done to finally build up to a climactic or, sometimes, an anti climactic scene. Using this for normal scenes makes the prose monotonous and boring, even robotic.

So yes, that’s the structuring issue.

The tense is fine except for a few tiny mistakes in maintenance of the same.
The voice is alright.

Also, as a general rule, I don’t like first person, present tense combination. I didn’t like it much here either. But it's okay and doesn't sound as unreliable so okay, you may continue with that.

Overall score:
42.2/50
Good job.

Thank you for choosing me.
Sorry for being late :sobs:
Please rate this review on a scale of 5, depending on how useful it was.