Izuku is frozen still, fighting a rampant heart that feels like it's sinking faster by the minute. There's a sick feeling in his stomach and tears begging to fall.
He's flushed, feeling sheepish and embarrassed because some place in his mind he had assumed the blonde had felt the same about him, but he should have been more cautious with his words because it's now all to painfully obvious that Katsuki is still healing and haunted by past relationship trauma and is not ready to speak the same words that he just let stupidly slip past his lips.
His mind is racing in a million different directions with just as many emotions that are attached to rambling thoughts that are banging around inside his head causing an instant headache.
Katsuki watches closely the male across from him. His chest hurts, hurts with an ache that is just as much fear as pain, fear that in this moment he has lost Izuku. He's saw the lost look that slammed into those gorgeous eyes as soon as he stumbled out words he knows hit a soft heart like a rocket. It hurt, and right now that's so clear he can feel it from where he sits.
The blonde's own mind is desperately trying to figure out the right words to say that doesn't fuck this up any further.
"Deku I...
As soon as he reaches his hand across the table and touches the greenett's, Izuku jumps up like he's been biten by a snake making Katsuki's eyes widen at the sudden move.
Izuku didn't even mean to move so swiftly but at this moment with the way he feels he's afraid the slightest touch from the blonde will break him down completely into a sobbing mess. He begins to pace, arms wrapped around his own torso, fingers clenching the fabric of his white sweatshirt trying to calm the wave of nausea that's churning.
" It's..it's ok Kacchan really.", he stumbles out the lie feeling it sting his own tongue.
Katsuki stands up quickly closing the gap watching his boyfriend back himself to the window and lean against it, almost like he's now terrified to be in the same space.
" It's clearly not ok Deku. Fuck, you think I can't see that? You think I don't know that?! Say something, say anything, yell at me, tell me to fuck right off, but don't stand here and tell me it's ok when we both know it's not.", he says with a heart beating and breaking at rapid speed.
Izuku won't meet his eye, teary emerald orbs planted on the floor and his white socks.
There's a few minutes of silence that Katsuki feels like is taking years as he reluctantly reaches for Izuku's chin, afraid he might recoil from the action, but when he doesn't the blonde slowly lifts his chin with a glint of panic in crimson eyes.
" Izuku, please, please say something."
It's whispered, coming out more of a plea then a request.
Izuku bites his lip, trying to suppress the heavy wave of tears that want to come. He fails only slightly as a tear escapes running down a fair cheek that Katsuki captures with his thumb wiping it away.
The greenett forces a smile, one that only makes tears brim his eyes further as he places his hand over the blonde's that's now holding his cheek.
" I... I don't really know what to say right now. I feel foolish honestly. I .. I should have known you weren't ready. I'm.. I'm sorry.", he says so softly it's barely audible.
The blonde's heart sinks, this went from a fucking amazing few days to one of the worst days he's had in awhile, all because fear of three words has frozen him solid. He shakes his head with a heavy sigh and his own burning eyes.
" You.. you have nothing to be sorry Deku, fuck, absolutely nothing. It's.. it's me who's sorry. I know that hurt, I felt it myself."
Emerald eyes shift down as he nods, those pesky tears escaping rather he wants them to or not.
" Y-yes...but I mean, you were just being honest, I can't really be upset with you for that."
Katsuki sighs taking a step back running both his hands through blonde spikes.
" Maybe, but that doesn't make it hurt you any God damn less and you have no idea how much that makes me hate myself right now."
Izuku feels his heart ache as tears well with the thought of the blondes self loathing.
" K-Kacchan, please, please don't feel that way."
Crimson eyes meet teary green ones and when Izuku smiles at him even with what he knows is an aching heart it unexpectedly makes Katsuki break down into tears that he can't hide.
Large hands go back to blonde spikes as he sits down heavy on the bed with his head down and eyes on the floor.
" Jesus, I'm such a God damn broken mess. You opened your heart up to me and I can't even say the fucking words in return like you deserve."
He looks up finally, those crimson eyes still heavily glassed over.
" I care about you so much Deku, so fucking much it makes me ache. I think you're the most amazing guy I've ever met but ..but.. "
Izuku walks across the room slowly wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his sweatshirt as he sits on the floor right in front of the blonde.
" But you aren't ready. I get it. It's ok Kacchan. You can't help how you feel. Last thing I want is for you to hate yourself, please don't, and you aren't a mess, you've been really badly hurt and betrayed, it's hard to open up after that.", he says gently doing everything he can to fight his own hurt feelings.
Glassy crimson eyes stay locked on green ones that hold the same look as his own while he reaches up to gently touch a freckle with the tip of his finger. A small emotional scoff coming from him as he speaks.
" But you did. You opened up again after going through much of the same shit, and you did it so damn well."
Izuku forces a grin even with an aching heart as he sniffles back tears.
" Yeah well, I told you before that I'm full of hidden talent. Don't try and compete with my kind of crazy rock star, stay in your lane with the music and the being all hot and stuff.", he smiles trying so hard to lighten the mood.
Katsuki chuckles with an extremely heavy heart.
" Look at you, trying to make me feel better when I'm the fuck up in this situation."
Izuku shakes his head no, eyes shifted down then back at the blonde.
" You aren't a fuck up. I don't like when you say things like that."
Katsuki reaches out moving a forest green curl.
" That's how I feel in the moment. Deku, have I completely messed this thing we have going up? I mean, I.. I don't want to lose you, I don't want our relationship to end but I wouldn't blame you if you took off and never looked back."
Izuku meets his eye, tears still in both sets. He breathes in shaking his head no.
" No.. I didn't say that. I'm still here. This was all really heavy and you already had a crazy stressful day with Mic and everything so how about we just let things settle for now and watch a movie or something since I have to leave so early tomorrow?", the greenett says as he stands to his feet.
There's a knot in Katsuki's stomach and a sense of dread washing over him because he almost forgot this nerd has to leave and everything feels so off now.
The blonde looks up at him and nods but as Izuku turns with a slight smile to wash his face in the bathroom Katsuki reaches up from his spot on the side of the bed wrapping his arms around the greenett's waist tightly while he rest his forehead on Izuku stomach.
" I'm sorry Deku. You have no idea.", he mumbles sounding more broken then even he expected.
Izuku clamps down on his bottom lip to suppress a sob that wants to come feeling so overwhelmed by everything and the way Katsuki just sounded slammed into his heart like a truck. He runs one hand through blonde spikes, the other rubbing the musicians built back while he trys to get his own emotions under control.
" I know Kacchan. Don't be ok? It'll be ok."
Katsuki picks his head up, still holding on to the greenett's waist seeing green eyes he knows want to shed waterfalls. He forces a slight smile standing up slowly pulling Izuku into his arms to hold him in a tight hug.
He feels the greenett tremble in his grip as he leans down and speaks into soft curls
" You can cry Deku, I know you want to, fuck I even want to."
Izuku laughs softly against his chest with a trail of tears.
" I'm afraid I won't stop if I do and it's just me being overly emotional and I don't want our last night together to be ruined by me turning into a sobbing cry baby, so I'll be right back I'm going to clean up and then we can curl up for the night."
Suddenly words just spoken hit the blonde like a brick and before Izuku can make his way to the bathroom Katsuki grabs his hand making the greenett turn to him in question.
" For now right?"
Izuku scrunches his face.
" What?"
" You said our last night together. You.. you mean just for now right, not for good?"
There's an ache in the greenett's chest as he walks to the blonde wrapping his arms around his neck feeling the blonde tighten his hold immediately.
" Yes Kacchan, I meant for now, meaning our last night while I'm here. I'm sorry that came out wrong."
Katsuki breathes out a small sigh of relief though he's still feeling anxious that he's lost this incredible guy in his arms.
The blonde leans down, thumb running over a soft cheek as he gives a gentle kiss.
"Ok. Go get cleaned up, I'll find some shitty movie or Big Bang marathon for my king of the nerds."
Izuku laughs lightly.
" Jealousy Kacchan, that's all I'm hearing.", he says as he leaves for the restroom.
Katsuki smirks with a chuckle at the greenett who always gives it right back to him, something he's always been attracted to.
He lays on the bed shifting through channels that he's not even paying attention to. Everything feels so fucking heavy and he hates it. Tonight all he wanted to do was lay that green-eyed waiter down and roll him between the sheets over and over again, soaking up every last minute they had before Izuku's five am flight but now that just doesn't feel like the right thing to do.
His thoughts are broken when the bathroom door opens and Izuku comes out in sweats and one of the blondes over sized tshirts.
The sight of him in his clothes gives him a small sense of hope that everything will work out because at least he knows he doesn't make Izuku's skin crawl like he feels.
Izuku gives him a smile as he climbs into bed. The blonde immediately opens his arms almost surprised when the greenett curls up into them right away resting his head on his chest.
They flip through channels watching different shows, movies but nothing much since both minds are running rampant.
There's soft kisses, gentle touches here and there but the air remains heavy, like there's a huge weight now between them.
Katsuki keeps glancing at the greenett as he runs his fingers through soft locks and even though he knows Izuku is doing everything he can to joke and smile he can't hide the dull look in those emerald eyes that scream he's hurting.
After a few hours Katsuki is wide awake sitting on the windowsill watching Izuku sleep. He can tell its a restless sleep, one that the blonde has soothed a few times. He's even heard his name mumbled in sleep and with an aching heart he wonders if it's a nightmare not a sweet dream.
As he keeps crimson eyes on the male in his bed words from a song he had sung during a practice before the two became a couple comes swirling into his mind and out of his mouth as he sings quietly with a tear down his own cheek, head leaning back on the window.
" Think you're gonna fix me. Think we're making progress, now you're broken with me somewhere in the process, baby I'm a project, lovin' me's a mistake."
A/N
Our tale continues, stay tuned
I send love always
.