★
30th June 2014
Seven years ago...
My fingertip traces the edge of Harry's jaw as he sleeps soundly beside me in my bed. His cheek is smushed into my pillow on my side of the bed where both of us cuddled incredibly close all night.
Since he surprised me yesterday, I've barely let him go because I know he will be gone again soon for a while and so I am clinging to every small inch of touch I can get.
Tracing the sharp line of his jaw, I smile numbly to myself as a small smile lightly curls the corner of his pink lips that are squashed by the way that his head is melting into the pillow.
It was a small smile, barely there if you're not intently watching him as if he hung the stars in the sky but nonetheless, I can see the dainty way that his lips turn upwards peacefully.
Do you ever have those moments where you know you're living out the best part of your life?
This morning is one of those bittersweet moments where I wish I could freeze time and just live in those few seconds in between my finger touching his soft skin delicately and the careful instinctual smile that warps his pretty face. In the short time that it took his body to automatically react to my soft touch makes me feel like I am the only girl in the world.
In those few seconds, the harsher line that rests between his eyebrows as he sleeps briefly irons out. His eyes soften from the harsh squint into a soft feathering flutter.
My life has been swirling out of control recently, my career is finally starting to take off and while that is all I have ever wanted in life; I think now I realise some bigger dreams of mine.
I'm grateful for my career and the opportunities that I am being able to take now that I have officially moved to LA but despite this, since meeting Harry, I have realised the importance of love and friendship.
My life before was always so focused on working. I've been doing it non-stop since I was eight years old. I met Harry and I finally started doing some stuff for myself. Priya and I followed them around on tour for a month or two before we had to come back here for work.
But, in finally taking back a little bit of control, I saw that work shouldn't be the only thing I live for.
Being loved by someone like Harry teaches you so many things.
Running my finger delicately back and forth his jaw, I smile to myself and soak up the lazy grin that he is wearing while still sound asleep beside me. Our legs are interlocked, his arms wound tightly around my stomach to hold me to his chest like a giant teddy bear.
He makes me feel things that I didn't even know someone like me could feel.
There are feelings that I didn't know had names until I sat late at night and tried to explain them to Pri who just watched me struggle with a fond smile before giving me a hug and telling me she was happy for me.
Harry has lit up my life and shown me the light that I didn't know even existed. I thought I was destined for darkness and with a small match and a lot of faith, Harry led me out of the black hole of sadness I had fallen into and led me out into the spotlight.
Harry makes me feel beautiful in the most pure sort of way. Even in his sleep, my touch causes him to smile and that's enough for me.
He will always be enough for me.
"Pretty boy?" I whisper, leaning forward to press my lips to his cheek. "Can you wake up soon?"
There's no answer since he is asleep so I run my finger further up his jaw towards his ears and start to comb his curls back behind his ear with my fingertips.
"H?"
"Shh, Arls..." He groggily hums, surprising me since I've either woken him or he has been awake this whole time.
Lazily tightening his arms around me, he pulls me closer to his body and hooks his leg back over mine with slight authority. His lips that were just smiling press a chaste kiss to the very tip of my nose which then scrunches up.
"Can we go and get coffee?"
"Later," He hums, snuggling further into my pillow and forcing me into the plushness with him. "I need to catch up on sleep,"
His voice is thick with sleep, gravelly and croaky as he hasn't used his voice all night.
Continuing to blink the sleep from my eyes, I brush my nails back through Harry's hair softly with a concerned smile on my face. "You've not been sleeping well?"
Keeping his eyes closed, he shakes his head on the pillow and groans a little. "Nope... been so used to havin' you in my bed..."
I giggle, feeling somewhat prideful that he likes having me there so much.
"... Just feels empty now..." He adds tiredly.
He is speaking even slower than usual but I don't mind wasting away our time tangled in each other's arms.
"Maybe I should come back with you," I suggest, knowing full well that I am committed to a filming contract for a movie right now.
"I wish you could," He sighs, blinking his eyes open and squinting at the light that's bursting through the thin gap in the drawn curtains. "The boys love it when you and Pri are with us,"
"That's because they all have a crush on Pri," I comment.
Harry's eyes are watery from the early morning but I love the way it makes the green irises look almost iridescent and ethereal in the morning sun.
"True, I think Liam and Niall are both trying to shag her," I smile, loving the thickness of his accent and how the grogginess accentuates his British flair. "When do you finish filming?"
"Another month I think," I tell him sadly, watching as his eyes once again feather closed.
"When you're done, do you want to come back on the road with us?"
"Do you want me to?"
He nods quickly. "I want you with me always but it's up to you, baby."
Smiling, I lean forward and kiss his lips even though neither one of us has got up to brush our teeth yet. I know it is probably gross to most people but when you're this in love with someone, nothing would stop you from kissing them in a moment like this.
"I want to be with you always too. I love you everywhere, right?"
Opening his eyes again, I am once more knocked back by the vibrant green of his eyes.
"Everywhere, Trouble. Always."
Present day...
My favourite song from my favourite movie is softly drifting through the speakers of the large TV pinned to the wall opposite my bed and when I turn to see Harry's reaction to it, I find him curled up on the other side of my bed.
While I am cuddled under the comforter, he is laying shirtless on top of the white sheets with only his running shorts and a pair of white tube socks on.
I'm not the first to know,
There's just no getting over you,
The agreement of him staying was that he has to leave before I fell asleep but it turns out that he has fallen asleep before me.
His lips are ever so slightly parted as steady breaths drift in and out in time to the background track playing while Sandy mopes about on screen.
I know I'm just a fool who's willing,
To sit around and wait for you,
Barely paying attention to the movie now, I run my eyes over the carved features of his face and try to work out the differences from the teenage boy that I met all those years ago and fell in love with.
He's a different person now.
He looks different.
He talks differently.
His voice is different.
But, baby, can't you see there's nothing else for me to do?
I'm hopelessly devoted to you,
But within all of that, he is still the same young boy that just loves too hard for his own good. Harry tends to love too much for his own good. The same boy that gave his cats too much food because they looked hungry.
He is the type to suffocate someone like me with their love. The type of boy that overwatered plants because he never knew when to stop pouring water on them.
I think the same thing happened to us. He didn't know when to stop loving me and that became the ruin of us. If Harry knew what was best for him then he would have left me long before we even got to the rehab centre stage. He should have walked away then but he didn't. Instead, he loved me too long and too hard and that was what killed us.
But now, there's nowhere to hide,
Since you pushed my love aside,
The shape of his eyebrows is curved differently now, it's a little flatter than what I remember but you would only be able to tell the difference if you really stared at his eyes and narrowed them in order to see the shape from a different angle.
I'm out of my head,
Hopelessly devoted to you,
Not that you can see it right now but I am pretty sure that the colour of his eyes is also different now. Before the green irises held this joyful, youthful green that gave me the feeling of frolicking through lush fields like that one golf course he used to take me to whenever we went back to Holmes Chapel.
There is a more serious shade to his eyes now. The green is more like the murky depths of the far corner of the ocean where the darkest monsters hide in the corners where no sunlight reaches.
Although he appears bright and sparkly, there isn't as much light left in his eyes as there used to be.
My head is saying "Fool, forget him,"
My heart is saying "Don't let go,"
Sucking in a sharp breath, I run my ever-growing tired eyes down the swell of his nose that comes to a perfect point. Even though he shaved this morning for the shoot earlier, his cheeks are already dusting back over with a dim shadow of stubble. That is something that is different now, facial hair.
He never had that before.
Another thing that I notice is new is the creases around his eyes that are from the years gone by where he constantly smiles at people who don't deserve his love. They're not pinched together right now during his rest but you can see the ghost of them still cratering in his skin.
"Hold on to the end," that's what I intend to do,
Taking my eyes off him for a millisecond, I pinch them close and try to claw my way out of this mental pit that I am falling into.
It dawns on me that even when he is laying beside me with only a small gap separating us, I miss him.
Not physically of course, because he is right beside me but I miss feeling close to him. I miss being able to read his mind from the smallest quiver of his lips.
Selfishly, I miss being loved by him.
As upset and as hurt as I am by everything that he's made me feel and put my heart through, I still miss the way it sang only for him.
Beating to the same drumbeat, we were in synchronicity with one another for three whole years and now we are just... I don't even know.
We are a mess?
We are some sort of car crash just sitting on the side of the room with the lull of peace before the sirens start blaring and the emergency services come to salvage whatever parts of us that are left.
I don't know what I am doing but I know that when I look back down to his face, there is this little tingling spark that flickers in the pit of my stomach and causes an array of goosebumps to implode over my bare arms.
His face is melting into the pillow under his head, his lips ever so slightly puckered from the pressure.
"I'm going to break your heart, you know?" I whisper into the abyss, the only light leaking from the flickering TV screen where the end of the song mellows out and the volume drifts back down.
Harry doesn't reply obviously, but he does ring his arms tighter around himself before blindly patting the space between us, looking for a warm body to cuddle up to.
It takes him a second of menial fumbling in his light sleep but soon he finds my waist and with a soft tug, I give in and scoot a smidge closer to him.
The heat that leaks off his body has a small but sorrowful smile curling on my lips.
He sighs contentedly in his sleep and lets out a small huff as he hooks his arm over my waist and lets it drape lazily over my back.
I stare at him, letting a million thoughts race through the track of my mind until they no doubt come to a fiery head.
"I'm going to break my own heart," I whisper while staring at him sleeping.
As if the sound of my voice is a lullaby to him, I feel his hold tighten a touch around my waist until I am giving into the touch and letting him hold me while he sleeps.
"I'm going to break my own heart," I repeat again with the recognition that this isn't going to end well.
Nothing ever ends well.
Not for me. Happy endings are a thing of fantasies, they're made for movies and so I have lived a hundred different happy endings but never one that has translated into real life.
Holding the air in my lungs that feel rock solid and stiff, I carefully lift my weight up onto my elbow. I'm cautious not to make any sudden movements that could disturb Harry but as I roll to my side, I lean and press my lips against his cheek.
Feathering them lightly like the fanning wings of a butterfly skimming your skin, I deliver the softest of kisses to the ridge of his cheekbone and just like years ago, his lip curls into the tiniest, minuscule trace of a soft smile.
Even in his sleep, my touch causes him to smile and that's enough for me.
For now, that's going to have to be enough for me.
Pulling back, I find myself beaming at the look of peace on his face which is half-lit by the glowing TV screen that delivers very little light to the room. Reaching between our bodies for the TV remote, I switch it off with the button and then toss it back down somewhere onto the bed and settle myself down since it was now the very early hours of the morning.
Closing my eyes, I feel this sort of serenity wash over me like a placid acceptance that this is going to end badly but despite that, I am willingly putting myself into the scorching fire once again.
As sleep tumbles over me and starts to rob me of my senses, I try to engrain as much of this moment into my memory as I can because when Harry finds out that I have relapsed again, I am constantly in this cycle of relapsing and then getting clean; he is going to leave.
History always repeats itself.
He will send me back to that place but this time, I won't have a heart to shatter. There will only be dust.
Snuggling closer, I rest my forehead against his and let my body succumb to the heaviness that weighs me down into an ocean of dreams.
★
"Just friends my ass!"
A shrill voice causes me to groan and roll further into the hard surface that has a steady heartbeat hammering against the warmth.
"Arlie Addams!" I hear my name being called again and this time I can't ignore the piercing sound of it rattling into my ears as I bury my head further into the warm surface.
Blinking rapidly because of how astoundingly bright it is, I flutter my eyes open and then lift my hand to rub my knuckle into them. When I do this, I hear a familiar groan sound from underneath me.
"Pri–" I sit up, shakily trying to find some strength in my arm as I unravel myself from Harry's firm hold. "This isn't what it looks like–"
"Oh, really?" She scoffs, running her tongue down the inside of her cheek as she pops her hip out and stands on the threshold of my bedroom door.
Another low groan sounds from Harry and he rolls onto his side, burying his nose into my shoulder as he grumpily lifts a pillow and slams it down on top of his head to drown out the grating sound of Priya's voice so early in the morning.
"Because what it looks like to me is that you two have fucked again,"
"No, we haven't," I persist, getting myself off the hook with a technicality. "We didn't have sex,"
"So you're just cuddling in bed? That's even worse, A!" She exclaims. "God, you two are so fucking reckless. Do you not think you're going to get caught?"
Grumbling, Harry pulls the pillow off his head and sits up to a slump against the headboard just like I was. He rubs his eyes, looking like a big kid as he does the action so innocently with a tired grumble and a big yawn.
"Would you calm down? It's only you–"
"But what if it wasn't me, Arlie?" She snaps. "What would have happened if Jonathan let himself in and caught the two of you in bed together?"
"To be fair, I wasn't supposed to stay the night," Harry admits with a guilty glint in his expression. "It's not Arls' fault."
Shaking her head, Priya rolls her eyes. "That's not my point. My point is that I don't care that you two are having an affair or whatever you want to call it. Your business is your business but think about it logically for like zero point three seconds, please?"
"What?"
"Your boyfriend, Arlie!" She yells, throwing her hands up in the air with the exasperation that was no doubt coursing through her right now. "In case you forgot he's the fucking director for the movie that you are both staring in. You know he could make both of your lives hell if he finds out about this right? You're cheating on your very prolific, very powerful boyfriend with the ex that broke your heart? How do you possibly think this is going to end in anything but a hot damn mess?"
Harry's body tenses up beside me and when I flick my eyes to the right to see him nervously fiddling with the chain that hangs around his neck that I bought him years ago, I think my heart cracks a little.
"I should- I should go," He mumbles almost incoherently before struggling to his feet and grabbing his shirt from the floor where he threw it after claiming he was too warm last night.
"Harry-" I say his name, hoping he would stop for a second but he barely looks at either me or Priya as he hurriedly throws his shirt over his head and rushes out of the room.
Brushing past Priya, I call his name again and sit up on my knees as I start to crawl off the bed after him.
"Harry–"
Priya watches as I stumble out into the hallway but he is persistent in his pursuit to get out of my house. I hear the scraping of him sliding his car keys off the side and I start to feel my stomach sink the further away he runs.
"H?" I call out lifelessly again. "Please?"
The front door slams and as it does my eyes shut in grief while my shoulders sag with hurt.
"Why did you have to say that in front of him?" I grit through my teeth with a pissed-off strain in my voice.
Keeping my back to her, I storm away into the bathroom and slam the door before she even has a chance to reply to me.
"Arlie–"
"No!" I shout back through the door, angrily stripping my clothes off and turning on the water faucet. "You could have waited until he left to say all that shit but you deliberately tried to scare him!"
"I didn't try to scare him!" She shouts through the door.
Holding my hand under the water, I try to gauge the temperature before stepping under the stream of scorching water.
"Well, you did. Whether you meant to or not, Priya!" I grunt back. "You scared him and now–"
Shaking my head I step into the shower stream and let the water run over my hair to wetten it and flatten the dark locks down my naked back.
"Now he's left again," I sigh, flopping forward until my forehead reaches the cold tiles that are bubbled with water droplets. "Now he's left,"
Shaking my head, I pick myself back up and slot all the pieces of Arlie Addams back together into the perfect doll of a human who is quite literally the embodiment of a golden girl.
"It doesn't matter," I call out through the locked door. "I'm going to shower and then I am going to write a letter and then I will go to the gym, have my therapy session and then I have the ballet scene to shoot on set today,"
"Will Harry be there?" Priya questions, gladly skipping over our precious quarrel.
"I doubt it," I tell her. "I doubt he will be hanging around anymore,"
Like I said, history repeats itself and maybe just this once, I am not the flight risk that everyone thinks I am.
Maybe it is Harry who has a fear of flying.
Maybe it is Harry who is always on the run.
You'll never leave me?
precious girl.
i love her so badly