I've drawn all the curtains in this old house
To keep the sun out
And off of my face
Friends stop by to check in
'Cause I've checked out
I tell 'em I'm fine
I'm just living for the night
Daylight can't hide the tears I cry
The pain that came with your goodbye
The memories that keep me out of sight
"Seresin, dude. You gotta leave the house." I hear Rooster sigh from the other side of the locked door to my bedroom. The bedroom that's basically a dungeon at this point, with my blackout curtains constantly closed and my room messier than it's ever been.
I anticipated the meddling shits using the spare key I gave them to let themselves into my house, so I preemptively locked my bedroom door. They'd have absolutely dragged me out by my toes if I didn't.
"If I open the door with the intention of talking about it, will you promise to not make me go anywhere?" I ask tentatively.
"Of course, Jake. We're just worried about you," comes a softer response from Phoenix.
"Yeah, man. I'll tell Amelia that Roos is the one who ate her last pop tart if he even looks at you sideways," Javy threatens, knowing the wrath of Amelia is something none of us want to face.
6 weeks ago
"C'mon, pretty girl, you gotta punch out!" I yell through the coms, hoping and praying she hears me.
Javy is yelling at her too, she's his WSO for the mission and he sounds as panicked as I feel. They took on heavy fire, narrowly missing the wing of my own plane as Javy expertly rolled away from crashing into me when one of their engines dropped out. I landed another air to air kill in retribution, quickly taking out the jackass that almost cost me my best friends in one fatal swoop. Apparently, Bubbles hit her head against the cockpit in the process and is currently not responding to either of us. Javy is fighting hard to keep control until she's able to punch out.
We finally hear a groan come from her, both of us yelling for her to pull her handles.
"Copy! Eject, eject, eject!" The sound of her voice is such a relief that I almost cry when I hear her.
I break right, clearing out of their path for a safe ejection. The weight in my chest lessens just a little when I see both of their chutes successfully deploy and I circle the area until I see the SAR helo on approach.
I take the ass chewing for not returning to the carrier immediately after the last enemy aircraft was eliminated with my heart in my throat. I'm desperate to know their status. That's when I hear the ruckus rumbling down the hallway. I snap my head in the direction of the raised voices, only to see a flash of long, dark hair and blood on the gurney. Javy's hand lands on my shoulder, keeping me anchored in place instead of chasing after her like he knows I want to.
Present
"I should have told her how I felt, I know that. I had this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach the second I was up on the catapult, but I knew she'd skin me alive if I said something when everyone could hear it."
We moved to the couch instead of crowding around my bedroom door. You'd never know it based on how she acts at work, but Nat has incredible maternal instincts and has been so comforting throughout the entire thing. I honestly think I'd be lost without her. She's got me laid on a pillow in her lap, rubbing my hair in the same way my mom used to when I had a bad day as a kid.
"I just...I miss her so much it hurts." My voice cracks, emotion pouring out between the words unintentionally.
"I know, buddy. We miss her too. Poor Coyote's been stuck with Fanboy talking his ear off," Nat coos, trying to lighten the mood.
"Dude, I'm about to fake an injury. I can't take much more of it!" Javy whines, making us all chuckle at his dramatics.
"I'm ok, I promise. I'm just not ready to go out, knowing she won't be there with us...that she won't be coming home with me. It was a given that she'd end most nights in my bed for almost a year, and now it's a given that she won't be there." I know I'm being a mopey bastard, but my heart hurts.
Nat's hands pause their movements in my hair and I know she's trying to find a way to ease into her next question. "Just get it out, Nat. It's not gonna be easier to answer, no matter how you word it."
"I've been trying to give you time to talk about it yourself, but it's time to rip off the bandaid. You can't process it if you don't acknowledge it." She sighs, making Javy and Bradley shift in their spots as they brace for my response.
"I've acknowledged it, it just fucking hurts so I avoid it. In case you were wondering, it hasn't gotten any easier with time. It's been 6 weeks since I found out the woman of my dreams was having my baby, only to also be told she lost the baby and was in critical condition herself all in the same damn sentence. And it still knocks the breath out of me every time I think about it."
A/N:
There will be a part two to this! It'll be titled Cover Me Up 💕