[i am so sorry.]
🫀
"so, how old are you now, namjoon-ah?" the boy's grandmother, myeong, asked.
the woman was quite short and looked like a stereotypical older korean woman. she spoke with the slightest of accents but that came with her years of living in england. despite her age, she could pass off being a lot younger than she was. from her, namjoon finally saw who he got his dimpled smile from.
"i'm fourteen, turning fifteen in a couple days," namjoon said, his hands gripping on to his thighs as he thought of what his parents could be doing right now as they drove through the night.
"oh my, i can't believe it's been almost fifteen years since we've seen you.." myeong mumbled, glancing behind her to look at namjoon who sat tense in the backseats.
"why... why didn't you?" namjoon's grandfather, a man by the name of seonu, sighed.
"namjoon, your father was a smart man and we raised him as well as we could... however he met your mother one day in college and the boy we knew changed a lot and for the worse. we were told that your mother was pregnant a week after you was born and it took us a month to finally meet you.. then your parents moved and changed their numbers."
namjoon stared at his feet, trying to take in the information.
his parents weren't bad people. his mother was the sweetest angel to walk the earth, he knew it, the poor woman just got pregnant early and didn't want the child and that rightfully hindered her life and made her resentful and always have the need to seek out a youthful life.
his father was a man of wisdom and stoic knowledge. he thought so anyways. there wasn't much to prove it. namjoon never knew his father. not emotionally, anyways. his father was physically present but that's all he could say. the words that namjoon heard from his father's mouth were usually never to him.
"mum and dad... they only let me know early this year that you two were still alive... before that they just told me that you had passed away."
seonu clicked his tongue and rubbed his temples with one hand. myeong sighed sadly. the biggest regret of the couple's life was not stopping their son's relationship. as bad as it sounds, it was true. that woman truly ruined lives and there was hope and prayer in the couple's hearts that their grandchild wasn't a victim of that.
🫀
seonu and myeong were excited, they truly couldn't wait to see their eldest child's girlfriend, especially as how serious the boy described the relationship. it bothered them how they noticed differences in their precious son's demeanour following this courtship but they agreed to not hold it against the couple.
please put emphasis on everything past tense.
because that dinner was a goddamn hellfire.
"namgil, this girl, she isn't good for you," myeong whispered, pulling her son off to the side as her husband sat with her child's girlfriend. the boy looked at her, offended and pulled his arm away.
"eomeoni, i love her! why can't you just let me be happy?" namgil seethed, looking at the door to the living room, "i knew you wouldn't accept her, all you and appeoji do is hate me and my choices. just kick me out if you hate me so much!"
myeong's face dropped and her heart fell to her stomach. what had happened to the son she once knew?
"namgil-ah, we don't hate you--"
"enough, eomeoni, me and misun are leaving."
meanwhile, misun was sitting with seonu. the girl was beyond anything the man had ever seen before. seonu wasn't particularly uptight but he believed that respect made the world go around. this girl? this girl was the most disrespectful creature on earth, not just to him but to his son as well. the woman swore like a sailor and often snapped at her boyfriend for even breathing wrong. she had her feet up on the table where myeong and seonu were serving food. when she first arrived at the house she flirted with seonu a bit before giving up and going back to her boyfriend.
everything about this woman was a red flag. myeong and seonu had never been as concerned for their son as they had been then.
🫀
"so, namjoon-ah, do you know why you're called namjoon?" namjoon nodded.
"dad told me that you lived throughout the korean war, that grandpa fought in it. you both planned to have two boys and a girl but grandma couldn't get pregnant after dad so you told him to name his son namjoon." myeong's eyebrows furrowed and seonu sighed, disappointed. namjoon was confused. "am i wrong?"
"no, not exactly. the story is sort of right but... namjoon we had kids other than your father. you have three aunties. you and your father's names were chosen by your grandfather's relatives who fought the war, me and seonu were born a couple years after the war." myeong sighed and she turned to her husband who gripped the steering wheel harshly.
the older woman wiped away the tears in her eyes, trying to just find the good in this situation.
her and her husband's skin was growing old and they found more and more wrinkles everyday. getting up and out of bed took a lot more energy than it did twenty years ago and often the pair missed church, their immune system weakening and making them sick a lot more as they got older. they sighed out as they got up and mumbled 'aigoo' when they got up.
still though, the couple never lost their youthful aura. they went out on walks and invited their family for dinner or to go out. they drove and spent as much time as they could on the road, knowing that they days where they couldn't were growing close.
"grandma?" namjoon mumbled, fiddling with his fingers as he stared at his lap.
"yes, namjoon-ah?"
"do i have any cousins? how big is our family?" namjoon asked.
"well, yes, you have five cousins, namjoon." namjoon held back a gasp. "they're all at home in wolverhampton, your parents were the only ones to move out of the city. do you want to meet them?" namjoon stuttered a bit before nodding. "great, they should be free tomorrow evening."
"do they... know about me?" seonu nodded.
"well, as much as they can know about you. you're the eldest of your cousins, namjoon. we were the only people of the family to meet you, everyone else couldn't that day and just expected to meet you soon but then... yeah." namjoon hummed to himself.
"do you think they'll like me? will i be... annoying to just be the cousin that just came from nowhere?" namjoon whispered, "will my aunties like me considering my father and..." namjoon wrapped his arms around his stomach tightly, he had never been in a car this long. myeong had noticed this.
"aw, namjoon-ah, don't worry, darling. we'll stop at the services, they aren't far now and neither is wolverhampton. we're close." namjoon nodded and held his head down to try to reduce the sickness.
"you won't be annoying to anyone, namjoon, don't be silly," seonu said in a gruff tone, "your aunties are smart women and they would never hold a grudge against you just because of what your father did."
🫀
namjoon sighed as the car parked up at the service station, taking a deep breath as he left the car. he never knew he'd get carsick considering his strengthened immune system. he wanted to reflect on all of the times he had been on a drive like this but he struggled to come up with examples, his parents weren't really one for holidays with children. they went a lot by themselves though. namjoon was glad that they got a bit of happiness.
his grandparents smiled at him.
"you don't get out much, do you, namjoon?" myeong said, rubbing the boy's back, not noticing the boy's discomfort and pain. "aigoo... let's go get you something to eat. you're skin and bones." namjoon nodded and followed his grandparents across the road to the shops.
"hm, what do you want, namjoon?" myeong asked, holding her husband's hand. namjoon hummed.
"i don't mind, grandma. you pick, i'll eat whatever." myeong frowned.
"namjoonie, it's our treat, please pick." namjoon nodded reluctantly and looked around.
"i'll just grab a sandwich from WHSmith, or something."
"are you sure?" seonu asked, "i expected a big lad like yourself to want something a little more than that. KFC is open, you know?" namjoon chuckled. "come on, we have the time, we'll have a look in all of the shops and you can get what ever you'd like."
🫀
namjoon and his grandparents got to wolverhampton by ten in the evening and the coming of autumn became clear to them.
namjoon shivered in the backseat closing the window that he opened earlier when they got off the motorway. he stared outside, not seeing much that wasn't lit by street lamps.
eventually they got to myeong and seonu's home. it was quite large and had a luxurious garden. it was lovely, and probably built a little under a hundred years ago. namjoon was surprised seeing the three stories considering that most building he saw back in london were flats.
although right now he was tired and didn't exactly care.
"you got your stuff, namjoon-ah?" myeong said, petting the boy's hair affectionately. namjoon nodded, grateful that they reminded him to pick up some things from home before they left. "aigoo, you look tired. come on, let's get you to bed." namjoon nodded and followed along drowsily. seonu smiled and draped his arm across namjoon's shoulders, holding the boy up.
"long day, huh?" the man said, hugging namjoon tight. considering namjoon's tired state, he didn't pick up on his need to cover up his pain and cried out a little whilst trying to detach his grandfather's arm from his shoulder. "eh? namjoon, what happened?"
"nothing... just... nothing." seonu's eyebrows furrowed but he didn't dwell on it, helping the boy in.
after brushing his teeth and getting changed, namjoon finally got into bed, so incredibly tired that he fell asleep the moment he hit the comfortable yet unfamiliar bedsheets.
🫀
namjoon ran around the hospital, terrified. he couldn't run fast enough and he knew that his mother was growing closer. she wanted him and she wanted his sister. he couldn't let it happen. he ran all over the hospital, sobbing and crying, trying his hardest to find the girl and outrun his mother.
his legs burned and slowed as he continued to run and he cursed over and over as he tried his hardest to find his little sister. his entire face was red and wet with tears and his lungs were fully prepared to give out.
he skidded across the laminate flooring of the hospital before scrambling to open a door. the boy sighed out as he entered the bright room. his eyes squinted and adjusted to the light and his breath came out in heavy chunks as if he was breathing out bricks. the boy looked around and found a chair to prop up against the door, just to keep that demon of a woman out as she screamed and threw herself against the door.
namjoon looked around and saw a cot in the middle of the room, he sighed in relief and ran over, finally ready to greet his sister.
he peered into the cot and nearly threw up.
the child's eyes lacked... well eyes and were simply just bloody sockets. there was a plastic bag tied around her head and bruises resembling the shape of hands on her neck.
namjoon was too late.
he turned around to see his mother standing before him. she gripped a large machete in her hand and namjoon stared at her eyes. the boy gave up. she raised the knife.
namjoon woke up then, groaning and rubbing his eyes. he sighed and got up, opening his blinds and leaning against the windowsill, exhausted. his eyes glanced at the clock on the wall and his eyebrows furrowed. 15:72am. a knock sounded at the door so he opened it, seeing an empty field beyond.
he peered out of the doorway, seeing two figures far off in the distance standing under a tree, swaying side to side in the wind, almost as if they were floating.
the door closed and namjoon found himself back at home, in london in his flat. it was a mess again, with the blood and the glass and tipped over furniture, as if namjoon never cleaned it. the boy sighed and went into his mother's bedroom. wanting to ask what was going on. he was surprised find his mother giving birth. he glanced down to see gloves on his seven-fingered hands and noticed a surgical mask over half of his face, as a couple nurses pulled him to an operating theatre.
his father lay there, under an amount of anaesthesia that allowed him to be numb to pain but still awake.
"if you fuck this up namjoon and kill me, i hope you kill yourself afterwards and meet me in hell," the man seethed before turning his head away to a nurse who he flirted with.
namjoon's hands shook as he held the scalpel. he threw it to the floor and sat in the corner of the operating theatre, crying. his father stood in front of him and namjoon expected a harsh scolding.
instead, the man sat next to the boy silently as the latter sobbed.
"the weather's nice. did you see the game last night?" namjoon wailed harder, hearing his father. "time flies, doesn't it?" the room filled with the anaesthesia gases and namjoon felt himself pass out.
🫀
"morning, starshine," myeong said, sitting at the dining table with seonu as they ate breakfast. namjoon nodded and waved a bit, still out of it from his dream, "are you going to eat breakfast, namjoon? wednesday is french toast day, after all." namjoon hummed and shook his hand.
"sorry, grandma, i don't really eat breakfast." namjoon mumbled, sitting at the table and sandwich-ing his hands between his thighs to warm them up. he yawned and seonu smiled at him.
"how was your sleep, namjoon?" namjoon shrugged.
"was good, thank you."
namjoon decided to leave out the part of his sleep where he had a terrible nightmare, obviously.
"do you do this every morning?" namjoon asked, staring at the designs on the table cloth, "like eat together..." myeong nodded.
"always have, eating with loved ones is something we've done forever." namjoon nodded, "namjoon-ah, does namgil not do that with you? or misun?" namjoon shook his head. myeong let out a sigh and turned to her husband who shook his head.
"aigoo, you make the food for the boy, you might as well eat with the boy too." myeong said, shaking her head disappointedly.
"sorry, grandma," namjoon mumbled, his head still down. myeong tutted.
"im not telling you off, namjoon. im saying that if your parents have the energy to make you food then they should have the energy to eat that food with you too." namjoon hummed and nodded, not wanting to continue with this conversation at all.
namjoon got up and made his way over to the living room, sitting on the floor at the coffee table whilst he used the sofa as a backrest. he had brought down his laptop beforehand and laid it there on the table whilst he greeted his grandparents.
he hummed to himself an unfamiliar song as he pulled up his school emails, contacting his teachers on his timetable for that day to forward him the content he would have learnt. he then searched up facebook and the man 'aaron yun' in london
a couple hundred men came up but namjoon eventually found the one he was looking for and private messaged him.
🫀
john connor
this is namjoon,
hello aaron
aaron yun
namjoon?
how'd you get my facebook?
john connor
by searching you up.
you cannot leave the baby
with my parents whilst i'm not there
take her home with you i don't
care if my parents fuss about it just do it
aaron yun
namjoon i don't have
anything to take care of a child
john connor
it's really not that much you need,
baby formula, nappies and clothes
just don't leave her alone w my
parents idec if you move into
my room at home just to monitor her
just keep her in your sight
aaron yun
that's a lot to ask
john connor
it's your daughter
nothing should be a lot to ask.
aaron yun
goddamn it
ok.
my flat is not child friendly though
fuck
john connor
just use my room
idc
do whatever just keep that girl okay
aaron yun
her name is alice
alice yun
john connor
ok.
keep alice safe.
aaron yun
can't believe i'm taking orders
from a 16 year old
john connor
i'm 14 but ok
bye.
aaron yun
goodbye namjoon, stay safe
🫀
namjoon hummed to himself as he went through the study materials he was sent, sighing slightly looking at how much there was.
he cracked his neck and got out his notebook, biting and chewing on the inside of his cheek as he worked.
the boy couldn't stop thinking of alice. that poor girl. that poor girl who would be born into a broken family with a brother who was... well, namjoon. namjoon didn't know how to be a big brother. he knew how to cook, how to clean, how to be a goalie in most all sports, how to be respectful, how to get grade nines (grade A++) in school but he didn't know how to care or look after a being. could he?
"namjoon? you've been studying for a long time now, come sit with us." namjoon hummed and glanced at the time, surprised at how quick he had gotten through the content. he had already finished everything and was just staring into space.
the boy got up, packed away his things and sat with his grandparents on the sofa, his grandfather reading and his grandmother waiting for him. myeong pulled the boy closer and pet his hair affectionally. namjoon felt awkward at first but eventually relaxed into the touch, enjoying it more than he would like to admit.
he wasn't touch-starved, was he? he couldn't be, he doesn't even like people touching him. and besides, it was namjoon's family trait to not like physical affection! but... his grandmother just hugging him close, felt good.
it felt like she'd protect him, like namjoon didn't have to stress or worry because he finally had someone to carry the weight of the world with him. another pair of shoulders. he melted further into her touch, his fear that things would go wrong slowly ebbing away. his head was laying against her chest as she stroked his hair, a comfortable silence laying around the room.
"namjoon-ah? you're so tense, how has life been treating you?" myeong said, moving her hand to rub his back which seonu noticed.
"don't touch his back, honey. i think he hurt it somehow," the man said, his eyes quickly averting back to his book. myeong's eyebrows furrowed.
"aigoo, namjoon. let me see, i used to be a nurse i can help," she said, helping namjoon back up whilst the boy shook his head.
"i'm ok, grandma, seriously. my back is fine," namjoon quickly explained back, not making eye contact. his grandmother sighed with sad eyes and nodded, relaxing back into the sofa.
namjoon did not do the same.
he awkwardly sat stiffer than a tree, staring at the coffee table in front of him. the boy cursed at himself endlessly in his mind for letting his guard down.
"namjoon? how would you feel about staying here a couple of days?" seonu asked, putting his book down. namjoon hummed, pretending to think about it.
"sorry, grandpa, but i have school and mum probably needs me home, you know." namjoon's gaze quickly passed myeong and his heart broke seeing how let down the woman looked at his words.
"ah," she said, "don't worry about it. we can drop you off whenever you'd like." namjoon bit his lip, hating himself.
"i... maybe i can stay a little while." myeong smiled the same dimpled smile that namjoon had.
maybe this would be a good time. maybe namjoon just needed a positive mindset.
🫀
"are you sure you want to see them today? you know that you don't have to. it might be a lot so suddenly," myeong said, ruffling namjoon's hair. the boy laughed airily and nodded.
"yeah, i'll be fine. i should meet them sooner rather than later. how long will they be?" myeong smiled and cupped the boy's cheek.
"not long, now... i'm sorry, namjoon. i'm sorry we didn't try harder and i'm sorry that your parents..." myeong sighed and crossed her arms, "namjoon, you truly are a lovely boy considering your mother and father." namjoon glanced down at his feet.
"my mother's very nice, a lot nicer than i could ever be." myeong shook her head.
"oh namjoon, i know exactly who your mother is and i think you do too."
the woman walked off and namjoon was left alone in the room, tears in his eyes. why did people hate his mother so much? why why why why why? his mother was perfect, a woman unlike any other. after being plagued with a son she never wanted, she graciously kept him and raised him. many people wished they had a mother like misun kim.
namjoon wished he had a mother like misun kim.
the boy sighed, shutting and locking the door before taking off his shirt and walking over to the mirror. he examined the cuts and scars and bruises.
🫀
"are you a fucking idiot?!" misun screamed, throwing the cup at namjoon. the boy, used to the pain, didn't cry out. he simply stared at the shards of glass imbedded in his skin and bowed to his mother, tears in his eyes.
"i'm sorry... i thought the water was cold enough," namjoon whispered, voice breaking just like the glass in his skin.
"don't you fucking cry, don't you dare fucking cry. i should be the one crying, look at me! pregnant with a stupid fucking child and a son that can't do shit but bitch and moan about his life. clean this shit up." namjoon hesitated a moment, the glass moving around in his flesh, and in return he got a smack across the face. "i said now, not three years later." namjoon nodded and scrambled to the floor, picking up the shards of glass.
misun sighed, massaging her temples. poor woman, the victim of everything. yeah, that's what she was, the victim. she glared at her son.
"stop that. are you stupid? go get a brush and mop, idiot." namjoon nodded and ran to do so.
🫀
namjoon ran his hands over the scars of that day and sighed, feeling sorry for his mother.
downstairs, the sound of cars parking up was heard and the doorbell rang throughout the house. namjoon pulled on his shirt and made his way down, ready to finally meet his relatives.
🫀
he bowed as his aunties and cousins entered the room, his hands in front of him, everything about him was neat and tidy.
"oh my, he looks just like oppa..." one of the women said. namjoon laughed awkwardly.
"you fucking bitch, this is why your son is so fucked up, he takes after his mother!"
"me!? he takes after me?! that boy is the spitting fucking image of you! everytime i see him i want to rip out the hair on my goddamn head. i wish i never married you!"
he ignored the memory and shook his auntie's hands politely. he towered over everyone in his family.
"i can't believe we're finally meeting you... fifteen years... i can't believe it's been over fifteen years since we last spoke to oppa. how is he? he's still with that bitch misun, isn't he?" a smack came to the back of that woman's head.
"that's the first thing you say to him? ask how his father is and insult his mother?" the third one said, sighing. she turned to namjoon, "we've always wanted to meet you, namjoon-ah. it's just... a lot to say the least. what year are you in school?"
"year ten, ma'am." the woman's expression quickly turned darker and she clearly got upset.
"namjoon-ah, im your auntie. don't call me ma'am like... well, i guess we are strangers, aren't we?" namjoon hung his head. "my name is areum, i'm the eldest of your aunties." namjoon nodded.
"my name is sunyoung, i'm the second eldest," the next one said, placing a hand on namjoon's shoulder.
then there was the last one, the one who insulted his mother, "my name is nora, namjoon-ah." namjoon nodded.
areum smiled at the boy. "you look so tense, come sit down. did your parents not come down with you?" namjoon shook his head.
"mum's at the hospital, right now." the girls nodded.
"she's having another child, isn't she? i can't believe it took them two fifteen years just to have another one," sunyoung said, massaging her temples and shaking her head.
"well... alice isn't exactly dad's daughter." the room went still and namjoon knew just then that he made a mistake. god damn it.
"they're still married?" namjoon nodded, areum seemed too intimidating to lie to, "i see. well, each to their own. namjoon, i'm sure you know what's right and what's wrong, you're old enough."
namjoon wanted to scream.
"just so it's out there... my mum isn't a bitch..." he mumbled, his eyes unconsciously glaring at nora, "please don't use that language against my family." nora sighed and nodded.
the room was awkward again. eventually, sunyoung spoke,
"so, namjoon. since we never got to see you but, well, we always hoped that we would, throughout the years we always got you birthday and christmas gifts." namjoon's eyebrows furrowed.
"we're religious?" namjoon was so off.
nothing he said was right and he knew it. his 'family' could deny it and play it off all they liked but namjoon wasn't fitting in. he almost felt... negative towards his parents. he felt that this could have been avoided if they just didn't lie to him constantly, over and over again.
his hands rubbed over the scars again and his resentment ebbed away like foam on a beach.
his scars seemed to humble him whenever he found himself standing up from himself against his parents. any negative thought he had about them ended with rub over the bumps on his arms or a press to his shoulders, feeling a blunt sting run through the bruised area. anytime he gained an atom of confidence he pushed himself back down. it's like playing a two player game with yourself. you pick which part of you gets to win but you also pick who gets to lose.
but his aunties ran past the religious comment, carrying on with the conversation.
"since we don't know what you like, it's mainly a lot of clothes, and things that were popular at the time. do you.. want them?" namjoon nodded and looked at sunyoung, the woman was a carbon copy of her mother.
she had the same eyes, nose and lips. she carried herself with the same amount of pride that myeong did and was soft spoken. she was a woman written by little children. but, from this, she shared a trait with namjoon. a deep-dimpled smile.
the woman got up, excusing herself as she walked out to the cars, calling a couple children's names to presumably help her out.
namjoon sighed, resting his arms against his knees.
"i'm sorry," he said, his voice just above a whisper, "i'm sorry... i keep messing this all up and saying the wrong things..." nora and areum glanced at each other, similar expressions on their face.
"namjoon," areum said, "namjoon, this is a lot very suddenly. you can't blame yourself for being a bit awkward or rough around the edges. i'm sure your mother and father are very proud of you for taking a step like this."
namjoon felt his heart stop. no. no they wouldn't and it fucking hurt. it hurt more than the stories behind those stupid ass scars. he shook his head.
"they wouldn't be," namjoon felt his voice crack like an iced over lake, "i'm so screwed when i get home... i'm so screwed," the young boy cried out.
namjoon dug the heels of his palms into his eyes, trying to hold back his tears but it didn't work, they started to flow. he let them, unbothered as he rubbed his arms. as he rubbed his scars.
nora's eyebrows furrowed and she rubbed the boy's shoulders, "namjoon? what do you mean, honey? it's okay... it's all okay. your mum and dad won't do anything," nora said in a soft tone, not as soft as her sister's voice, however. namjoon shook his head once more.
"you don't know my mum... i'm so freaking screwed." namjoon stop crying quickly, using his sleeve to wipe away his tears. though he had stopped crying, his whole body shook with tears. this boy was not alright.
areum must've mouthed something to nora above namjoon's head because the woman ran out, calling out for her mother and telling sunyoung and the kids to come inside, leaving the presents.
areum held the boy close, a hand on his hair and another on his shoulder. the boy sniffled and stared at his shaking hands, hating himself.
"namjoon? be honest with me, how do your parents treat you?" namjoon shook his head, too scared to answer and he gripped onto his arms once more. areum was catching on and she was staring at his sleeves, "lift up your sleeves, namjoon." namjoon pulled away from the woman, shaking his head rapidly.
her face became stern and she stopped the rest of her family from coming into the room.
"kim namjoon. lift up your sleeves. right now." namjoon stood up and backed up into a wall, shaking his head. why couldn't he speak?
why did it feel like someone poured sand into his throat? filling it so full that no words could come out.
the woman crossed her arms and stood up as well.
"show me your arms, namjoon. i'm not asking. why do you keep rubbing them? why do you tense when someone touches your shoulders or back?"
namjoon bit his lip, how did she notice? did he make it that obvious? was he begging for attention like usual? how could he be so selfish? the self hatred washed over him more like a tsunami than foam on the beach and he crouched down on the floor, head in his hands. areum did the same, staring at the boy with pity.
"namjoon, we can help, you know? we're your family." namjoon shook his head.
'family'. what did that word mean to namjoon kim? he didn't know these people, they couldn't be his family. his parents hated him more than they loved him, they couldn't be his family. he had little to no friends and the ones that he did... they couldn't be his family.
a boy with no one. for fifteen years (almost) was he a boy with no one.
he could do it again for another fifteen. and another fifteen after that, and fifteen after that. he'll do it. namjoon kim: an overachiever.
so what if he dies alone, don't we all? so what if when he lies in his grave, the only touch he'll ever know is that of maggots, no memories to comfort him. so what? so what if his life is full of regrets and longing, greed is selfish. so what? so what is namjoon kim supposed to do other than breakdown and cry? what else does he have gunning for him?
he knew the rest of his relatives were listening through the door. he couldn't understand why, were they worried? that concept was foreign to namjoon. he knew his parents didn't worry about him (though he tried to not accept that), he knew that a person he... used to be comfortable with didn't worry about him, he got his proof many times. and that... those were all of the people important to him, the people that should worry about him.
these people around him, begging for him to pull up his sleeves, to show them his own and only comfort didn't care. how could they? could you care for someone you've never met? for someone you didn't know? namjoon wasn't sure, he didn't think so. the boy barely cared for himself and he had known himself almost fifteen years.
areum sighed, looking at namjoon who stared off into space, almost going into another plane of existence, whilst he rubbed his arms through his long sleeves.
she got up and left the room, leaving namjoon to his own devices. she sighed as she closed the door, seeing her parents and sisters in front of her.
"if... god forbid but if something is happening in that home, he's not gonna tell us. let's be honest, we're barely family to him." myeong gasped.
"areum! don't say that!"
"eomeoni, be honest with yourself! maybe... maybe it's better we don't stay in his life. it might just hurt him more."
"unnie, that's terrible," sunyoung said, "nora, you must agree?" nora rubbed at the nape of her neck awkwardly.
"sunyoung unnie... the only family he knows is his parents... maybe areum unnie has a point?" sunyoung shook her head.
"you don't even know the boy. you don't know what he enjoys and what he hates. you don't know if he has allergies or if he will eat anything and everything. forgive me but i think we could at least give him a chance! that boy is in that room and he's breaking down over the room being awkward a couple times, do you seriously think that he's okay?!" sunyoung screamed, her long hair messing up slightly. she smoothed it out and ran her hands over her dress.
areum and nora glared at the floor, as if the laminate had wronged them somehow.
myeong sighed, putting a comforting hand on sunyoung's shoulder.
"don't work yourself up, sunnie. it's okay..." sunyoung nodded and crossed her arms across her stomach.
"just... unnie imagine if that happened to nayoung." nayoung was nora's daughter, "imagine if nora let her husband beat nayoung endlessly and fuck up her mental state so badly and you never got to see her. would you say, let nayoung go back to minhyuk? what if it was the other way around? what if it was jacob and ben? nora, would you let it be if jacob was hitting ben?" the two women stood silent and sunyoung sighed.
she entered the room where namjoon sat, closing the door behind her. the boy was in a daze.
she sighed out as she sat beside the boy, leaning her head against the wall with a small thud that broke namjoon's daydream.
"i'm not showing my arms..." namjoon mumbled. sunyoung nodded.
"i wasn't going to ask," she said, "you know, i work at a primary school. it's my favourite part of the day. seeing the little kids and knowing that they're taking my teachings with them. it's like i'm giving out my heart to them, like it's a gift. if you told me at your age that i said that i'd probably break down.
"it's hard to have confidence, namjoon. it's hard to talk about yourself without worrying that you're selfish or that you're faking things but, i guess, you can or you can't be and either is okay."
namjoon sat there, trying to act as if he didn't care. sunyoung smiled at him.
"my students bring me apples a lot, i never really sought out apples beforehand but on my first day we went around in a circle, telling each other little facts about each other. we spoke about our favourite fruits before a little girl asked me what my favourite was. i had never really thought about the question before, you know? then i just blurted out apples. now, with every new class i get, the old class comes and they tell the new kids that i love apples. and throughout the year i usually eat around 200 of them." namjoon chucked slightly. "i do it because they like it. i'm not actually a fan of apples." namjoon nodded
"what's the moral to this?" namjoon asked, picking at the material of his trousers. sunyoung shrugged.
"there is no moral, just a nice story to help ground you a bit. it worked, didn't it?" namjoon nodded. "good, good."
"why did your students bring you so many apples though? do you not have enough money to afford food?" sunyoung laughed a little.
"i do, they bring them because they want to make me happy and because they care about me. i supposedly like apples so if they bring me them, i'll be happy." namjoon's eyebrows furrowed.
"but you don't like apples, how do you get happy from that?"
"well, the fact that they want me happy is enough to make me happy. it's the thought that counts." namjoon nodded, looking at his slippers, "namjoon-ah, do you think you'll be okay going out for dinner? are you feeling better?"
"yeah... i'm sorry, by the way. that was a bad first impression." sunyoung smiled and ruffled the boy's hair a bit.
"don't worry, at least you didn't trick a bunch of kids into thinking you love apples." namjoon smiled back, two pairs of dimples making the room just that much lighter.
🫀
namjoon was, well, like a kid in a candy store to say the least. the restaurant was luxurious with high ceilings and dark aesthetics. namjoon felt almost intimidated by the walls.
the family piled out of their respective cars. areum with her two sons and nora with her son and two daughters. sunyoung was married without kids and planned to keep it that way.
namjoon would be her child for the evening which they agreed on as a beginning joke.
namjoon and sunyoung spoke a lot about sunyoung's life, namjoon asked questions and the woman answered them. she didn't want to pester the boy so quick with questions concerning his health and home considering the fact that she had just met namjoon that day, she knew she wouldn't get anywhere.
namjoon's cousins were all children, the eldest being areum's son mathew who was thirteen and in year eight. once he had greeted them he knew that there was a very little chance that they'd become so close to him like so many people are with their cousins.
sunyoung reminded him that this was okay. she reminded him that through no fault of his own he wasn't allowed to meet his family and that he shouldn't hold himself accountable for that.
they all sat at the large table, namjoon and sunyoung sitting on the far right opposite each other. the two had their own conversation whilst everyone else spoke.
"auntie, i've never been to a restaurant like this... how do they? i'm not sure how it works." sunyoung furrowed her eyebrows.
"just like it happens in any restaurant, namjoon-ah."
"yeah... um, i've never been in any restaurant. i've made my own food since i was nine. mum and dad used to go a couple years ago though." namjoon smiled, proud of himself that he never complained and was just that step closer to being a good son. sunyoung sighed and smiled sadly at the boy.
"you're very independent, namjoon-ah." namjoon nodded, "just look at the menu and tell me what sounds nice and i'll order it for you, okay?" namjoon nodded once more and did exactly as she said, diligently going through the menu seeing so much food he had never even heard of.
areum sighed beside sunyoung.
"what are you doing? not letting him know that that's wrong, jesus christ, sunny." areum hissed, though the table definitely heard her. sunyoung sighed at her sister.
"unnie, namjoon clearly isn't well, it'll
make him more upset to do that. just let him he for now, he barely knows us and we're already telling him off for the way he thinks?" areum glared at her little sister and her little sister glared back. "do you think i went to university for nothing? do you think i studied child psychology for nothing?"
"maybe if you had children you'd know what's good for them; know what they need in life." nora hissed, on her eldest sister's side. sunyoung's mood fell but she picked it up, dusted it off and it carried on walking.
"i'm going to pretend you didn't just say that. instead, im going to actually speak to my nephew and get to know him."
nora rolled her eyes and went back to her kids. sunyoung shifted her focus back to namjoon, hoping she spoke quiet enough that the boy didn't hear her.
she was incredibly wrong.
"i'm not unwell," namjoon uttered, the menu gripped firmly in his hands, "nor am i deaf. my parents treat me extremely well, much more than i might deserve. i'm happy back home in london. i'm not gonna move here, i'm not abandoning my sister or mother or father just for you guys. as a matter of fact i'd very much like to go home... i'll take the train. i have the money, i'll pay for it. i'll stay out of everyone's hair." the table went silent, sunyoung immediately broke it.
"namjoon-ah, we don't want you to leave--"
--"but you don't want me to stay either..." namjoon mumbled, glancing at his other two aunties and their kids. sunyoung sighed, grabbing his free hand.
"namjoon... at least stay for dinner, we can't just let you go home on an empty stomach." namjoon sighed and nodded.
🫀
despite namjoon's protests, myeong had brought his train ticket, hugging the boy tightly, telling him over and over that she could take him home. namjoon refused, too uncomfortable with everything that had happened to do so.
why was he such an idiot? why did he cry? why did he flinch? why did he say those things?
namjoon, sort of was used to crying. when he was much younger, he wouldn't. he wouldn't dare to cry in front of anyone considering how much it annoyed his parents but later he realised that his parents seemed to... enjoy it. there was no better way to put it. they enjoyed seeing the boy suffer. they felt pride glowing deep in their souls from seeing their child cry from how much they hurt him verbally or physically.
so he cried.
and he cried so much.
but it was still personal, he couldn't just cry in front of people. to his classmates he was apathetic and a person who didn't give two shits about you or what you do but namjoon cares and he cares so much. he just doesn't know it. he really and truly doesn't know it.
he wants to know it. he wants to know something other than pain. he wants to wake up with a smile on his face, he wants to have conversations that aren't always so monotone, he wants so much and he wants to think that he's not, he's really not that selfish but maybe he is. maybe namjoon kim is the most selfish person on earth. maybe namjoon kim needs to stop asking. maybe namjoon kim should stop looking for bandages and plasters and antibiotics maybe he doesn't need to heal.
maybe namjoon kim should just deal with it and walk 'till he dies, cursed as god once cursed cain for murdering abel.
but who, pray tell, did namjoon murder? what did namjoon ever do?
i guess we'll never know.
🫀
he stared at his auntie's number in his phone.
'i'm always free to talk to you, namjoon. just text or call and i promise i'll respond as soon as i can.'
the boy sighed and let his head fall back against the seat, tears stinging in his eyes like thorns.
did that make namjoon the stem or the flower?
🫀
namjoon
hi..
i'm very sorry auntie
about everything. about the
restaurant, about what auntie
nora said, what auntie areum said,
everything
i'm on my way home now, obviously
but maybe once we know each other
a little more we can visit each other
auntie sunyoung
namjoon i appreciate it but
there's no need to apologise,
it was foolish for us to tell you to
come. we were just very excited but
we forgot that we don't know you,
namjoon.
we know our brother, or what he
used to be.
but i think that your idea is great and
i cannot wait to meet you again.
you have a safe trip, okay?
i'll talk to you soon namjoon.
namjoon
talk to you soon auntie
🫀
namjoon scrolled through the rest of his phone, just bored and not wanting to read until he got a notification.
🫀
yoongi.
hey namjoon,
you weren't in today
i just wanted to say that i'm
sorry for yesterday
i took it too far
i hope ur healing well
hope ur ok xx
nyumnyums
yeah i was in wolverhampton
but i'm on my way back now
yoongi.
ew that shithole?
what were u there for?
nyumnyums
apparently i had aunties and cousins
i never knew about
i visited them.
yoongi.
that's nice
nyumnyums
mhm.
bye.
yoongi.
i-
okay bye..
🫀
namjoon put his phone down on the table in front of him and brought his legs to his chest. the day was still young, it had only just passed two o'clock. yet it felt as if the day was ending.
it felt as though this episode was done, namjoon got to go home now and collapse into his bed, the sun already doing the same. but it wasn't. the day kept going, without namjoon's permission. it left him in the dust and laughed. it sneered and pointed saying that 'namjoon is too slow! namjoon cannot keep up!' and it was true. the sun was mean and evil and didn't care for namjoon.
but the moon did. the moon cared. the moon who'd shoo away all the light to give namjoon some privacy whilst he cried. the moon who'd shine her spotlight on namjoon only, making him feel important for a split second before the relentless sun came back to tease him once more.
he closed his eyes, his own personal night engulfing him.
🫀
namjoon wanted to turn around and run away as he entered that lift.
he wanted to run away and start fresh. he wanted a reset on his life. he wanted to go back to before his mind became so plagued and polluted like it had now. he wanted to go and run to a place where they wouldn't lie about you having a whole ass family. he wanted a place where he could be namjoon kim, a boy still just figuring life out.
the hall way seemed long and devious similar to how it looked not many days ago. it taunted namjoon, it laughed at him, saying:
'namjoon kim is the weakest soul to walk through me. couldn't even leave for more than a day. pathetic'
namjoon could stand on the carpet but he found himself struggling to stand atop the words.
his hands shook as he brought his keys out, taking a while to open the door.
before he even could, he knew the entire flat was different and the boy hadn't even been inside. the faint sound of laughter and giggles and the high pitched noise of some children's show played inside. there was also the faint smell of baby formula lingering outside.
namjoon gathered up his courage and opened the door, taking off his shoes and picking them up to take to his room.
unlike how he usually would, namjoon didn't announce his arrival. it felt weird and unusual but namjoon kept his mouth shut, creeping through the hallway as if he was a thief and not someone who lived there. his breathing was heavy and his hands felt as though they had been submerged in ice although the rest of his body felt like it was in the hottest part of hell.
he peered into the living room, seeing the back of aaron's head, and turned to the kitchen. his heart dropped.
he was so fucking screwed.
"where the fuck were you?" his father seethed, namjoon was sure that if they could, his father's eyes would be red.
the boy stuttered unable to come up with a response.
"i asked you a question so speak!" his father barked. namjoon couldn't answer. he glanced to see aaron appearing beside him, alice in his arms. namgil scoffed, "get the fuck out of here."
"what? no. i'm not gonna let you just--"
glass shattered to the ground.
"get the fuck out of my house, motherfucker. i paid for this place, go back to your studio flat and leave my wife and daughter alone. get out!" namjoon shook harder, his body crumbling like a sandcastle.
what a weak and unstructured thing... the sandcastle, i mean.
"no... no no no please don't go.." namjoon whispered under his breath, but throughout the commotion there was nothing that anyone could hear. but namjoon breathed in and decided to be the bigger man.
his shaking hands picked up alice more gently than namjoon had ever done with anything and he went to lay her in her cot. he went back to where his father and aaron were waiting.
"i-i'll be fine... there's not much for him to do. he'll slap me on my wrist and i'll apologise." aaron shook his head.
"i don't believe that, namjoon." namjoon sighed.
"i'm not asking you to believe me, goddamn it im asking you to get out."
aaron hesitated but eventually gave in, telling everyone that he'd be back for alice the next day. namjoon lingered around the door for a second before going back to his father, his head hung low.
it then hung lower, down to the floor actually, as his father smacked him to the ground.
namjoon groaned and was responded to with a kick to the stomach.
i'll... spare you the details of what happened to namjoon.
🫀
by the end of it, namgil's hands were bloody and bruised, namjoon was worse off.
the boy was barely conscious but was bowing and begging on his hands and knees as he cried.
"dad... please... don't 'anna die, please.. please
please please, i'll be better, i don't wanna die!" namjoon wailed out over and over like a disturbing mantra. the taste of blood, sweat and tears mingled in namjoon's mouth and he spat it out, disgusted.
there was no strength left in namjoon. he could barely manage to cry.
his father scoffed and walked away to the bathroom, supposedly to wash his hands.
namjoon wanted to walk away, he wanted to so badly. his legs collapsed underneath him anytime he tried to pick himself up so he laid there, tired.
so goddamn tired. he rested his head against the floor, his hair fell into a pool of his tears but he didn't care, he couldn't. all that namjoon could focus on was his next breath and his next heartbeat.
eventually, he found some strength and he pulled his almost lifeless body to his room. the room was a mess which he could confirm never happened when he was there but he didn't care. it wasn't like everything was falling apart and the one thing he could count on being the same was gone.
he looked around confused, and found a note on the floor.
dog was too loud
gave him away
- misun
namjoon felt like that was the last kick to his stomach that his father missed.
he fell back against the floor, all of his energy gone. where? namjoon wished he knew. he tried to take a deep breath but almost screamed in pain. this was great... namjoon was doing great. so great.
his hands fell to his side and he tried to grip on to something, tried to find something he could grab and hold close but all he was met with was cold laminate.
he sobbed. it was all he could do, all he ever did. his chest heaved up and down and it killed and hurt but he still cried. the tears wouldn't stop flowing. what did namjoon kim do to deserve this?
all he wanted was liberation from this hell, and maybe a person to hold him when times got too tough. when times kicked him to the dirt he was so sick of dusting himself off. he didn't even need someone else to do it, just to encourage him, he'd take it. less felt like so much.
he wanted someone to know him, inside and out. someone that, if they were eating, would take the food he didn't like off of his plate. someone that, if they were out, they'd ask namjoon if he wanted anything. someone that, if namjoon enjoyed something, they'd listen to him ramble and rant forever just to make him happy. someone that, when namjoon's wounds open and bleed, cleans them and helps them heal.
the flower to his stem. or the stem to his flower.
gradually, he found his strength and energy again. he went to his desk, rummaging around for change. he found a tenner and five pound in coins. he wasn't exactly sure how much taxis cost.
🫀
yoongi was confused and the smallest bit scared when he was called to the gateway but that ebbed away quickly.
"namjoon-ah... what--"
"--i didn't have anywhere else to go."
🫀
JAYKAYYYY 🥰⚽️
are u nearly here!?!-&1&:&2
hobie 🤭💕
did u have a stroke omg
JAYKAYYYY 🥰⚽️
that's actually so mean☹️
hobie 🤭💕
ehhhhh but deserved
yes i'm on my way🤭
i'm just entering the rich rich
areas rn
JAYKAYYYY 🥰⚽️
omg i live there
hobie 🤭💕
ur joking
no way u live in the rich rich areas
JAYKAYYYY 🥰⚽️
rich rich rich
(mom and dads money not mine)
hobie 🤭💕
nono bc a fourteen year old is making billions
JAYKAYYYY 🥰⚽️
stop being so mean to me
i thought u liked me romantically 😞
hobie 🤭💕
i'm here pls let me in the security is scary
i'm not good at boxing
i came in all black
HES LOOKING AT ME LIKE IM A ROBBER
IM NOT A ROBBER IK JIST HERRE TO STUDY
and to look at the cutest boy
that's besides the point
JAYKAYYYY 🥰⚽️
i'm here gah dayum 😩
aww u think i'm the cutest
simp 🥰
hobie 🤭💕
shut up
JAYKAYYYY 🥰⚽️
why are we texting each other when we're literally walking together 🧍
🫀
jungkook and hoseok looked up from their phones and laughed nervously. then laughed because they laughed at the same time. then yelled out jinx and the same time. that continued for a little while i'm not gonna bore you with details of these two idiots.
they got inside and hoseok gasped at the castle-like place.
"do you have queen elizabeth hidden here or something?" jungkook laughed.
"can't tell you how much people have said that." hoseok smiled.
"how many people have said that you're the cutest and they would love to prep for the history test with you?" jungkook thought about it, "you aren't supposed to think about it!" hoseok wailed.
jungkook giggled and grabbed hoseok's hand, bringing the boy upstairs to his room.
🫀
after a while jungkook got tired, leaning against hoseok's arm.
"this is so difficult and for what?" hoseok smiled and ruffled jungkook's fluffy, puppy-like hair.
"well, we are in top set."
"so are namjoon and yoongi hyung but they don't complain," jungkook whined, staring at all the papers in front of him. "why don't we just burn these?" hoseok laughed but quickly realised jungkook was being serious and lightly pushed the boy.
"burn your own papers, not mine."
jungkook grinned and immediately grabbed hoseok's papers to which hoseok immediately retaliated by tackling the boy to the warm carpet. hoseok snatched the papers back and stuck his tongue out childishly at jungkook. jungkook stuck his tongue out too and tickled hoseok's sides, getting the boy off of him.
"ah! JK! that was mean!" hoseok wailed out as jungkook tickled him.
soon, the click of the door was heard and yoongi popped his head in then quickly back out.
"i'm not judging!" the boy shouted through the door, "was just telling you two that dinner's ready!"
jungkook and hoseok went bright red.
"hyung! it's not like that!" jungkook exclaimed, covering his face with his hands. hoseok couldn't stop laughing at how red the poor boy was.
they listened as yoongi's footsteps faded away, to the point of non-existence and looked at each other, smiling. jungkook sat up and hoseok got off of him.
"do you find it... unusual? yoongi suddenly being your brother?" hoseok asked. jungkook thought about it and shrugged.
"not much to it, we always acted like brothers, if i'm honest. now he just lives with me." hoseok hummed and nodded.
"really sucks what happened to him. i mean, his uncle getting into a huge accident on his way to work? that's horrible." jungkook nodded.
"you'd never guess, huh?"
"no, i wouldn't." hoseok leaned his head on jungkook's shoulder. "you have that thing with tom next week. are you excited?"
"are you dumb?" jungkook deadpanned. hoseok laughed.
"you're amazing, JK, you have a gift. it just took a little bit of unwrapping. you'll win, i know it."
jungkook rolled his eyes at the cheesiness but his heart was warm and full and so so so happy at those words.
"let's go eat." hoseok nodded and let jungkook grab his hand to take them to the dining room.
the boy bowed seeing jungkook's parents and brother--junghee-- and yoongi. jungkook's brother rolled his eyes.
"could you two have taken any longer?" junghee said, jungkook rolled his eyes in response and sat down, patting the seat next to him for hoseok to sit down.
as they sat down yoongi whispered something to junghee with a mischievous smile. the information made junghee choke.
"you were making out?!" junghee exclaimed, surprised that his little brother actually had some flirting skills.
"you were making out?!" bora screeched back in disbelief.
"we were making out?!" hoseok screamed to jungkook.
"we were not making out!" jungkook finally said. his face became red again and he glared at yoongi. "absolute snitch." yoongi shrugged and grinned, putting some food into his mouth as his phone buzzed in his pocket.
🫀
i was confused when you planted flowers on the moon
i watched and stood close to you,
a bit worried about what would happen
but you looked so proud
i couldn't just open my mouth
and go against you
it's true
so i watched them, more than you did really
i didn't like them, actually
i found them tacky and out-of-place
but there was a smile on your face
so i just went with it i guess
though it really and truly felt like a test
of how much id go through for you.
it hurt to see the flowers suffer, they didn't thrive
because there was no oxygen and there was not enough sunlight
i kinda hoped you'd notice and take them back to earth
let them go home and find out what they're worth
but you didn't, you kept them there
you'd show them off to me saying how happy they were but i just stared
those flowers didn't want to be there it's true
i'm done now, i'm taking those flowers from you
🫀
a/n: things have been piling up, vry not good and mental breakdown bc i lost my winning streak in netball bc sum girls don't like me (a lot more things happened but icing on cake) 🥰
enjoy this 10,058 word chapter