26th of January, 2009
Michael is 50, Angela is 44, and Jake is 46
Angela: Michael's eyes followed my every move as I sat down on the toilet, to pee on the too familiar stick.
He was biting his bottom lip nervously, making me stress out.
"Mike," I sighed. "I can't do it when you stare at me. Can you leave for a sec? Please."
When I didn't get my period three weeks ago, we both freaked out because of what happened on Christmas. Well, I did. Michael seemed fine with the whole thing.
I told him we should wait for a month after the incident to check because no at-home pregnancy test will show results after only a week.
So, three full glasses of water later, there I was, trying to find out if I was pregnant or not. My bladder was killing me but nothing came out.
"Yeah, sorry. I'll go call Bain to see if there was any progress with the auditions..." my husband said and left.
Once he was gone, I could finally pee. When I finished, I placed the test on the counter before washing my hands.
"All done?" Michael peeked his head into the master bathroom.
Nodding, I leaned to sit against the counter. He stepped inside and did the same.
"This is stupid," I said. "I'm pregnant, I have to be. My period is never late like this. We should just go see Dr. Holden."
"You're stressing yourself out, Angie. It's better to know." he got up to stand in between my legs.
But his words weren't calming, I was still a wreck inside. I hated this feeling, and to top it all off, I felt like I was disappointing him by wanting to get an abortion.
Although he reassured me over and over again that he wasn't.
Michael rubbed my thighs, his body pressed against mine. "Hey, what's going on? We talked about this, babe. We're not risking it."
"I know."
"Then what's that face all about?"
I shrugged, looking at the clock on the wall. Two more minutes.
"Talk to me, Angela." my husband urged, his big hands still trying to soothe me by rubbing my thighs.
It really wasn't helping the situation, all it did was make me horny. Damn it, there's no way I'm not pregnant.
"You say you won't be disappointed, Mike," I looked down. "But I'm the one who has to live with it later... I already went through this once, and I felt so guilty."
I shivered at the memory of myself in Dr. Haring's office, when I decided to get an abortion last time. Thank God he didn't go through with it.
"You can't be pregnant again, Ange. You almost died giving birth to Leo." Michael whispered.
"I know..."
"Then stop feeling guilty. I'm not disappointed, I promise. This was my fault, anyways."
He put a finger under my chin and made me look at him, then leaned down to kiss me. "You ready?"
My husband reached for the pink stick. His eyes started to water when he checked.
I knew it.
"Two lines." he showed it to me.
"Shit, Mike..." I covered my face with my hands, the guilt settling in.
"I'm gonna call Dr. Holden, alright? We'll go see him tomorrow." he said, taking out his phone.
A knock on our bedroom door made me jump.
"Mommy, it's me, can you open up?" Eric asked.
Michael let me go and I went to open the door for my son.
"Hi, baby." I smiled slightly.
"Can I go see daddy now?" his eyes showed nothing but excitement. With all this pregnancy stress I totally forgot about him wanting to go.
Jake arrived a day after New Year's. He was staying at the guest house again, here and there having Eric with him. Lily, though, wasn't as excited to see him.
"Yeah, I'll take you," I sighed. "Maybe we should go ask Lily if she wants to come, too."
"She doesn't, I asked already."
"Okay, go wait for me outside. I'll be right there."
I went back to Michael who was just finishing the call. "Thank you, Dr. Holden. See you tomorrow."
"He'll meet us at Santa Ynez tomorrow at noon," he told me. "He said we have a couple options, but he'll explain tomorrow..."
I nodded, yet that guilty feeling never went away.
My husband hugged me, his arms enveloping me. "I want you to stop thinking about it, Ange."
He knew I couldn't stop thinking about it, not after what I did last time.
"I need to take Eric over to Jake's," I took in a deep breath. "Would you mind talking to Lily? He's leaving again soon, she needs to spend some time with him... She listens to you, Mike."
To be honest, I was still mad at my ex-husband, but I knew Lily would regret it when he leaves.
Especially because Michael finalized his shows. We were moving to London in less than three months for the rehearsals, and so the kids can adjust for a while before he starts performing.
The two of us are flying out there for my birthday to find a house, like a mini-vacation.
"Of course, babe." Michael pulled away to place a kiss on my lips.
I kissed him back before heading out to Eric.
~
Jake: I heard a golf cart come to a halt outside. I quickly opened the door to see Angela and Eric.
"Daddy!" he ran up to me, wrapping his arms around me.
"Hi, buddy," I laughed. "What's up, Ange?"
"Nothing new. Are you good here, missing anything? Michael and I might be able to get some stuff tomorrow if you need it." she said.
"No, I'm good, thanks. Where's Lily?"
Eric frowned, "She didn't want to come."
He looked so disappointed. I was disappointed, too, but I would never tell him that.
"I asked Michael to talk to her... She always listens to him," Angela sighed, closing her eyes. Her face turned green in seconds. "Can I- Can I use your bathroom, Jake?"
"Yeah, of course... You okay?"
She didn't answer. Instead, she covered her mouth and ran inside. I could hear her vomiting.
"Eric, go to the court, get warmed up. I'll see you there in few." I told my son. He nodded, grabbed his basketball, then ran out the door.
I found Angela clutching the toilet so hard her knuckles turned white. She took in some deep breaths, but it didn't help and she leaned over the toilet again.
Quickly, I removed her hair from her face. She kept throwing up, breathing heavily after she was done.
"Shit. Sorry about that." she apologized.
I shook my head, offering her a piece of paper to wipe her face. "What's going on?"
"I, uh, I'm pregnant." she sniffled, the tears clear in her eyes.
Woah, what?
"Does Mike know?"
"Of course he knows," Angela rolled her eyes. "It was an accident, his condom broke a month ago... He already talked to my doctor, and scheduled an abortion. I just... Forget it. You probably don't want to hear this."
She stood up, slightly losing her balance. I hurried to steady her.
"Slowly, Angie." I said.
"I'm fine, I just need to go lay down." she mumbled, getting out of my hold and leaving the bathroom.
"Angela, wait, you can't drive like this," I hurried to stop her. "Sit, I'll get you some water."
She didn't fight me when I took her to the couch and helped her sit.
"Thanks." she took the full glass of water I held out.
Angela drank slowly, looking at me for a second before sighing deeply. "Leo, our baby, he was a multiple... When I found out I was pregnant, I went to get an abortion without telling Michael. That same day he was admitted to the hospital with the aneurysm, and I just couldn't let him know what I did. So I lied, I told him I lost the baby. He got up to console me, and that's what triggered the aneurysm to burst... I felt so guilty when he went into surgery. It turned out my doctor didn't really abort my pregnancy completely, he only killed one baby."
She paused and took another sip.
"Michael insists he's okay with this abortion, but the guilt is eating me alive. I don't know what to do, Jake. I physically can't have another baby, but I feel so bad."
"Gosh, Angela," I rubbed my face. "What did Mike say?"
"He keeps telling me not to stress out about it. But I overthink everything too much, you know that."
I chuckled, "Yeah, I do."
A smile crept its way to her lips, and she grabbed my hand.
"I'm sorry we haven't talked much since you went back to Alaska... I didn't call on your birthday, either. I'm the worst... It was so hard seeing you leave again, just the thought of it hurt. I think it rubbed off on Lily a bit, too."Angela pouted.
"Don't worry about it, Angie. I get it." I squeezed her hand.
"We also wanted to talk you," she looked me in the eyes. "We're moving to London. Michael's doing a few shows there in July... He's going to be rehearsing there, so we're flying out in April."
"As in London, England? Wow, Angie... I can't really come visit there, though."
"I know. I'm so sorry. I'll make sure the kids call you all the time."
Her beautiful blue eyes seemed to shine as they scanned me.
Letting go of her hand, I looked away. "When are you coming back?"
"That's a good question... Michael wants us to take a trip around Europe when he's done with the shows." Angela said.
"I see..."
It was awkwardly quiet and I hated it. Since when can't I talk to her?
"You should probably go to Eric. Thanks for listening." she smiled and stood up.
I grabbed her left wrist to stop her, "Wait, Angie."
"Yeah?"
At that moment, I really wanted to tell her how much she changed. How I felt like she wasn't the Angela I fell for all those years ago. To ask her what the hell happened to us, why we couldn't talk to each other anymore.
I looked down at her hand that I was holding, finding my answer.
The bracelet she wore said it all, with one simple word. Michael.
She didn't need me anymore, she had him. And I couldn't blame anyone but myself for it.
"Um," I cleared my throat. "Thank Mike for me, for talking to Lily."
Angela smiled genuinely, reaching up to kiss my cheek before leaving.
~
27th of January, 2009
Michael is 50, Angela is 44, and Jake is 45
Michael: Angela moaned in pain as I placed her gently on the bed.
We just got back from the hospital. She had the abortion, it was such a quick thing. Dr. Holden sent her home 30 minutes after it was done.
We decided to go for the procedure rather than the pill, just to be on the safe side.
"Do you need anything?" I asked, covering her with the blanket.
She shook her head and leaned back. "Can you stay with me?"
"Of course."
I took off my shoes and jacket before joining her. She winced a little when the bed moved.
"Maybe we should have bought the pills Dr. Holden prescribed." I told her.
"He said they're not mandatory."
"He also said if you're in pain you should take them."
"But I'm not," my wife lied. "Even if I was, he said it goes away after a couple of days. I'll be okay."
I kissed her forehead, "If you say so, Angie... How about you try to sleep?"
She agreed and closed her eyes.
Angela soon drifted off, her small figure curled up while she slept.
My gaze fell on her stomach, a few tears escaping at the thought of her not being pregnant anymore.
Closing my eyes, I prayed a little. God, please let her get through this. Make sure she knows I'll never be upset over this. Make her stronger than she already is.
I didn't want to admit I really was disappointed that we couldn't have this baby. Not that it mattered, it was done, and for the better.
Thinking about how much she had to endure during Leo's pregnancy, and how all alone she was during it all, I never wanted to put her through something like that again.
I can't lose her.
~
I woke up from a loud bang that came from the bathroom, along with sound of glass breaking.
Angela's side of the bed was empty, making me hurry into the bathroom.
She was on the floor, surrounded by shards of what used to be a perfume bottle. Her robe was half opened, her long, wet hair sticking to her face as she tried standing up.
A whimper left her lips when she gave in, sitting back down on the floor.
"Oh, Angela..." I frowned.
"I- I woke up and decided to take a shower," she looked at me with eyes full of tears. "A- and I- I just tried putting on some p- perfume, t- to feel a little like myself again, b- but it suddenly hurt so- so much..."
Carefully, I made my way around the glass. "Why didn't you wake me up?"
"Y- you were sleeping, and nothing hurt when I got out of b- bed." she explained.
Sighing, I grabbed her slippers so she could put them on, then helped her up. My wife inhaled sharply.
"Angie, maybe we should get those pills for you..."
"N- no. I'll suck it up, just two more days."
I helped her into bed, then noticed a deep gash on her arm, probably from the broken glass.
"Ange, you're bleeding," I examined the wound. "I'll get the first aid kit."
The bathroom was a mess. What was she thinking, trying to do things on her own right now?
I grabbed the first aid kit from underneath her sink, and went back. She looked so tired.
Angela sat up with some struggle, putting her arm out for me.
"I'm sorry, Michael." she said as I dabbed some rubbing alcohol on the cut.
"For what, babe?"
"You know..."
She's talking about the abortion again.
It was silent as I finished dressing her arm. I placed the kit on her nightstand and looked her dead in the eye.
"I'm only going to say this because you want to hear it, alright? Of course I'm disappointed you had to get an abortion, Ange... But this was the only solution for us right now, you know that. We agreed, no more kids. So stop feeling guilty about this. And please, let me send someone to get you your medication. You're in too much pain."
My wife's lower lip quivered, "I don't need the meds."
"Please, Angie. For me." I begged.
She opened her mouth to say something but stopped herself. Shaking her head, she leaned back and closed her eyes.
What's up with her?
"I love you for being so concerned, Mike. I promise I don't need them. Just let me rest for a couple of days, okay?" she smiled weakly.
"And you'll actually rest."
"Yes, I won't leave the bed, unless you help me."
"Good," I leaned down, stopping just a few inches before our lips touched. "I love you, baby."
With some effort, her arms wrapped around me and she kissed me. But it ended quickly when she groaned in pain.
"Try to sleep, I'll go clean up in the bathroom." I whispered, standing up.
She stopped me, "Can you maybe brush my hair first, please? I don't want it to get all gross."
"Of course."
And for the first time since yesterday she grinned, her beautiful blue eyes shining brightly.
~
Three hours later, Angela woke up from her nap.
She asked me to cuddle her and that is exactly what I did.
"Did you get a chance to talk to Lily yesterday?" she asked, her hand running along my chest.
"I did," I answered. "I don't know what's gotten into her, Ange. She refused to talk about Jake at all. I even told her we were moving soon and she didn't seem to care."
"It's my fault, she probably saw how I acted towards him. I'll try to talk to her, too." she scrunched her nose, taking in a deep breath.
Her expression changed as another wave of pain washed over her.
"You okay?"
"Yeah, it just feels like really bad cramps..."
I played with her hair, "You sure you don't want to take anything, Angie?"
"Yup. I'm fine." my wife lied again.
I hate seeing her suffer. Why is she being so stubborn about this?
"Okay, it's gone," she said after a few moments. "I talked to Jake yesterday, about London..."
"How did he take it?"
She tried sitting up. "He looked a little sad... Can you help me get to the bathroom?"
Nodding, I went over to her side. Angela held onto my arms tightly as I helped her walk.
We took a few steps before she let out a moan, "Wait, there's another one... Ow..."
"Angela-" I started, but she put up a finger to stop me.
"No. No pain killers." she hissed.
I was taken aback. Where did that come from?
"I'm sorry," my wife sniffled, on the verge of tears again. "I'm just scared. When I went out with Lisa Marie she talked about your pill problem and I've been freaking out a bit since then, because of the shows... I know you've been off them for almost five years, but-"
Another moan cut her off and she grabbed onto my arms tighter.
So that's why she's being this stubborn.
"Babe, you don't need to suffer for me. What were you thinking?" I sighed.
"I was thinking about how my husband is planning to perform after almost eight years, when he told me he was done, and what that kind of stress might do to him."
Angela's grip got even tighter. I hurried to help her sit back on the bed.
"Angie," I said, making her look at me. "I meant it when I said I'm not leaving you again. That includes never going back to my old habits because I know where that might lead me. I'm keeping my promise. Please, can I call Javon to get your prescription?"
She whimpered, "W- why does it hurt so much?"
"Dr. Holden said it's going to hurt, baby... Breathe with me, okay?"
With my guidance, she calmed down. Once the pain stopped she hugged me so tight.
"Sorry for doubting you... I know you'll never go back to that awful place. The thought of it just scared me so much."
"I know, Ange. It's alright to be scared. But I made a promise."
She nodded into my shoulder. "Can you call Javon?"
I pulled away from her, removing some hairs from her tear-stained face. The thought of her willing to suffer for my sake broke my heart.
"Thank you for always knowing what to say." my wife kissed me gently.
I deepened the kiss, hoping it would show her how serious I was about everything I had told her.