I was in love with Charles and if anything it was just growing. Ever since my realisation at Paul Riccard - ironically where I first realised I was in love with him - I was unable to shake the painful simmering in my chest.
The feeling similar to the anticipation of disaster, when you're just totally convinced from the moment you wake up that something is about to go horribly wrong. That was what I felt constantly even if I was good at hiding it and we resumed our 'normal' co-parenting relationship.
It had been three weeks and Charles has been as good as gold... similar to the result he'd achieved in France. However that race was followed by one not as good in Belgium and the Netherlands. He'd stuck to the agreement and left it all on the boat, something I was trying desperately hard to do as well.
Now we were in Monza for the final European race of the season and still the words were burnt into my mind every time I saw him. I was honestly surprised by the ease at which he seemed to have managed to leave the night on the boat in the past because I felt like I wasn't anywhere near as successful. I was good at pretending, especially to him but... I was back there every night and every morning.
Every time I closed my eyes I could see his eyes before he kissed me. I could feel the heat from his skin on his shoulders under my fingers as he whispered his confessions in my ear. I could hear him when he told me that he loved me in the sound of the wind, or an F1 car driving by, every white noise served as a reminder. Everything served as a reminder.
I know those things should make me happy. It should be easy. It should be obvious. I should be able to tell him I felt how he did. That I loved him too. Tell him that I'd never loved anyone like I loved Charles. That's what people do, that's what normal, sane people do. They have feelings, they communicate them and hopefully something beautiful comes from it.
But I couldn't do it. I couldn't be responsible for another person's happiness. I couldn't handle the idea of letting him down, of not living up to his expectations. Of not being enough. I was convinced eventually the novelty would wear off and he would get bored and then what? We had Ruby...
So I couldn't tell him because I didn't want reality to ruin what was in my mind because that would be more painful than just spending a lifetime with him as my friend. I was no good in relationships. I couldn't be trusted because I scared too easily. I ran and no matter if I wanted to make things work. I knew that I wouldn't be able to make it work.
I wasn't capable of it. I wasn't enough and he meant too much. Not just to me but to Ruby also and even if he was going to tell me that everything was going to be okay. I knew he would. I knew if I told him he'd convince me and then what? What would I do then?
The obvious answer is be happy... I just couldn't help the feeling of impending doom every time the words almost slipped out.
"Alessia," Charles calls my name, appearing in my room with Ruby in his arms in a perfect little yellow dress. Perfect for a Sunday at Monza. "You look amazing, stop stressing out," he tells me and I roll my eyes, as I try to smooth out the beige jumpsuit I was wearing refocusing my eyes on myself in the mirror. I loved this outfit but strapless always felt like a danger even if it was a cool one. "You're going to make us late and then the Tifosi will hate you," Charles teases me as he hands Ruby over to me, knowing full well that will stop getting me to fuss over myself and I laugh as he hovers behind me in the mirror. "Hey, you okay... you look spooked?" He questions, resting his hand on my waist, reminding me of when we were standing like this before the Amber Lounge.
I remembered it like yesterday. I remembered all the pain like it was yesterday. He said he was in love with me but he still hurt me, over and over again. So it wasn't even just me, it was him too.
My smile falters as I see him looking at me in the mirror, really seeing into my soul with his eyes before I kick myself into action and nod, biting back the negative emotions to remember the positive ones. It didn't matter because we're not two years ago and I'm not going to make the same mistakes again.
"Yeah... I am. Just be careful and let's go because I don't think I could handle the Tifosi hating me - especially not since you're officially with them for another two years now!" I tell him back stepping away from the mirror as I pick up my handbag, checking it has all my stuff as Charles does the same with his rucksack and Ruby's bag. "Oh - have you got her blanket?" I ask him and he double checks the bag before nodding and smiling at me, taking my bag from my hand as he opens the door for me.
"I am always careful," Charles declares as he walks out the door and I frown at him when the closes it behind him. "What did I do wrong?"
"Y-you did pick up a room key, right?" I ask him cautiously and watch his eyes widen as he looks at his hands in panic, realising he didn't take it out of the card reader because he'd been busy running after me and Ruby. I wait until he swears under his breath and rummages around his pockets before I hand the keycard to Ruby with a grin. "Hey car boy," I call out as I walk down the hallway away from him Ruby still on my hip, looking over my shoulder with a giggle when I see him looking up at me confused. "Your daughter picked it up - hurry or we're going to be late! Wouldn't want the Tifosi to hate you for being late now do we?" I ask with a laugh, my feet unable to move any faster down the hallway than a leisurely stroll since I'm in heels. I hear him growl from outside the door and pick the three bags back up as he runs to catch-up.
"You are a pain in my ass," Charles mutters as he joins me in the lift and I smile sweetly at him.
"And what a nice ass it is," I quip back to him, watching the frown melt from his face as he chuckles and shakes his head at me, the familiar look emerging once more as the pain in my chest builds until I have to look away. "Is there anything big this morning other than the announcement?" I ask him, aware that we're up and out of the hotel well before most drivers are awake due to the announcement of Charles re-signing this morning.
"No that's it... but it's a pretty big announcement and a lot of press to go with it. Obviously I filmed a little on Thursday but there will be more to do today," he admits as I pause and wait with him on the steps of the hotel, turning away from the screaming fans at the gates as we wait for the car.
"You need us to just stay out the way?" I ask him, smiling when the car appears and Charles shakes his head while he puts the bags in the back of it before taking Ruby out of my arms and putting her in the car seat for me. "Heh... strapping her in like you're going to be strapped in later?" I ask him and he chuckles, shoving me lightly as he presses a kiss to her head. "Oh wait... where am I sitting?" I ask him, finally noticing that he put our stuff on the other seat in the back.
"Up front with me and don't you dare stay out of the way. Don't you dare," he mutters as he puts his hand on my lower back and opens the passenger seat door for me as I slide inside before he closes the door and jogs around to the drivers side. "Er... also, that's not why we're going to the track so early," he tells me, both of us pulling our Ray Bans down on our faces as he puts the car in gear.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean... you promised me a hot lap," he smirks as we are basically at a standstill in front of the gates while they cautiously open and he moves forward at a snails pace while I gasp. "So... we're doing it as soon as we get to the track before the F2 starts. What do you say? I tried for Thursday but I was too late to ask and while being Ferrari happens to be a perk - this was the best I could manage."
"No way! Yes! Hell yes!" I yell happily as I bounce up and down in excitement as Charles looks over and laughs, watching as I dance happily in the seat next to him. "I was wondering when you would follow through on that!"
"Yes... I know we said things stayed on the boat - but I thought you might like it if not everything stayed there," Charles smirks, head turning towards me while we wait for the security to remove people while my eyes look away quickly, the heat of his look painting my cheeks bright red as I nod. "Arthur will look after Ruby while we do it - it's three laps so it will be done quickly," he tells me and I nod with a smile as we finally move again and actually pull onto the road.
The ten minute wait to get out of the hotel each day has been a specific pleasure of Monza and while Charles facilitated his fans every other day - this time we figured that it was fair to drive straight to the track given it was race day.
"I'm happy for this to come off the boat," I confirm as I try to turn around in my seat to check on Ruby.
"Oi - non, seat belt, Alessia," Charles commands quickly, putting one hand on my shoulder and sitting me straight. I laugh as I do as he says while he continues to curse me out, the anxiety in his voice coming through strong. "You scare me sometimes you crazy woman! It's why we have the mirror thing," he reminds me and my heart hurts a little at the frustration in his voice as I click my seatbelt on, feeling a little guilty for stressing him out.
"Yeah... she's just been quiet this morning, I'm worried she's getting sick. Maybe the travelling is getting to her," I mumble as I angle the mirror to check on her, relieved to see her giggling at the stuffed version of Lightning McQueen in her hands.
"Maybe it's getting to you?" Charles suggests quietly, both hands on the steering wheel, perfect technique as always when Ruby's in the car. It's one of the things I love about him, that whenever Ruby's in the car with us, he drives as safe as can be. Arguably sometimes far too safe and it feels like he's anything but a racing driver but his concern is adorable nonetheless.
"What do you mean?" I ask him confused.
"Well... you've been travelling for months. I know you enjoyed it before the summer but you seem kind of bored the last couple of races?" Charles suggests truthfully and I look at him in shock, my sunglasses blocking out any type of embarrassment at being so see through. "Am I wrong? Because you don't have to do the next leg of races. They're super far away, there will be no one there, just us."
He wasn't wrong, I had been less enthusiastic the last couple of races but there was a reason. Just not one I could actually explain to him, not one I even had a full explanation to myself.
"Y-yes, I could never be bored at the races Charles. I promise... if you're running around a track at 200 mph there's nowhere else that I want to be. I-I don't want to be on the other side of the world. I want to be where you are... unless you don't want us there?" I say the urgent words slowing in my throat as I get to the final sentence, realisation dawning on my lips. "I get it you know... it's been nine months now, you're probably feeling cramped. W-we can stay in Monaco?"
"Oh God! This felt like it got messy quickly for no reason at all - no, I meant it when I said that for as long as you guys want to and can come - I want you there. I just think you should think it though, I don't want you to feel like you have to and if it would be better for Ruby then just think about it?" Charles says, chuckling at the beginning to let me know that he doesn't want the brewing argument that feels like it's coming to the surface for absolutely no reason.
I'm glad he's able to de-escalate because I was already moving back to London with how quickly my mind had gone to disaster mode.
"Yeah... but I mean it when I say that we're running out of time for that to be the case. Soon we won't be able to take her out of nursery to join us in Australia, or Singapore, or Japan... so I'd like to do it this year. I said to you at the beginning of the year we would try and makeup the time... this is our chance. Besides, she's about to start potty training and you are not getting out of that one unless you are physically in your expensive little F1 car!" I tell him, hearing him laugh the rest of the tension away, breathing out a sigh of relief that we'd managed to solve something that six months ago would have had us not talking for days.
Some progress at least? Right?
"What happens when that happens... I don't get to see either of you for three weeks?" Charles asks, frowning as the reality sets in a little and I shrug because I don't know the answer. He sounds so sad and the thought of him sad has my mind begging me to say something to fix it. However, I don't know the words that would work as an explanation or make it less of a painful situation. The only three words that I could think might make him feel better are bitten back by me because once they escape, there will be no way to undo them. "Boss?"
"I don't know Charles... but we'll figure it out? We have so many issues but that is not one of them right now," I tell him with a relaxed smile and roll down the window, enjoying the Italian breeze drift through my hair as the radio plays in the background. The roads disappear around us as we drive to the track and I only roll the window back up when we arrive at the temple of speed to another hoard of Tifosi, trying to protect both Charles, Ruby and I in the process of hiding.
"Alessia you look stunning, Charles... make sure you drive fast today. I don't want to drive out of here as the brother of the guy who lost it," Arthur greets us as we hop out of the car and I laugh as I shake my head at him, accepting his hand out of the car. The Leclerc boys were all raised with such good manners, it's not a surprise to me that he helped. "God... how he ever got you to sleep with him even once I'll never know. You are so far out of his league," Arthur continues to tease Charles as I stand next to him and watch the elder of the two brothers dump all three bags on Arthur before pulling Ruby in her car seat out without another word uttered.
"Nice to see you too, my favourite Leclerc! Ooh, I'll just take mine. How was the session on Friday?" I ask him, taking my bag from him and the car seat from Charles while he quickly and swiftly manages to get Ruby on his shoulders.
"It was good thanks, nice to get back in a car. I miss racing each week," he says with a frown while I nudge him in the ribs, wriggling my eyebrows at him because Charles had told me last night that he finally got offered the seat with Sauber for 2025. Just one year but it was something and if he did well then there was no reason that Audi wouldn't want to take that contract over. "Is this a thanks?"
"Yes - she's not good with words or emotions, so take what you can get," Charles says, finally seeing his opportunity to join in with the teasing as I gasp and glare before just shrugging as he slows down to fall into step with me, clearly noticing I wasn't moving as fast as normal. "Why are you wearing heels again?"
"It's all about appearances," I say with a shrug and Charles looks at me with further expectation for my answer. "Fine... I caved, I'm an awful person... Kiraz finally came to me with a marketing offer I couldn't say no to and I'm a total girl... it was too good," I tell him embarrassment in my face as I cover it with one hand.
"What was it? I have to know which brand it was that got you - Cartier?" He guesses and I glare at him as I shake my head with a smile, lowering my hands as I smile and shake my head at him.
"That doesn't even make sense, you asked why I'm wearing heels!" I tell him, hitting his arm lightly as he and Arthur also laugh at his stupidity. "Christian Louboutins... the famous shoe brand with red soles..." I say pausing to lift my heel and show them, hearing 'ahhhs' come from both Leclerc brothers before we continue.
"Do they do non-heeled shoes?" Charles asks me amused and I nod, "why not wear them?"
"Because look at these shoes! They're amazing!" I gasp as I pause again to show them off again, admiring the fully red famous heeled shoes. Simple in nature but... God they're so beautiful. I hear Arthur laugh but not at me - instead he's laughing at Charles who is doing a very good job of feigning interest, entertaining my excitement despite his lack of understanding for it. "Alright, I get that it's not cool..." I tell them blushing, as I continue walking. The pair soon catch up with me as I pass the baby seat to Arthur who is already resembling a mule before going into my purse and fish out my lanyard as well as Charles's. I pass it to him as we get to the turnstiles and wait patiently for Charles to realise that he can't fit in with Ruby on his shoulders.
I'm waiting for about two minutes until he sighs and takes her hands, lifting her over his head and just into his arms as I step through the turnstile, laughing as he follows me with a sheepish look on his face. "I think it's great about the shoes... I'm happy you're happy with the deal. Does this mean that you're back on social media?" He asks me and I laugh at the idea as I shake my head.
"No babe, there are enough photos taken and shared of me every weekend that I don't need to. They encouraged it but it wasn't a requirement," I tell him lightly as we walk down to the Ferrari garage, Arthur in our wake but he'd gotten caught up with a mechanic and so it was just Charles and I. "Especially not if you happen to post a photo of us together and tag me / the shoes?" I say cheekily, smiling as he chuckled and passed Ruby into my arms, putting an arm around my shoulder.
"Ahh... so you're using me?" Charles asks and I roll my eyes as we walk into the already very busy Ferrari garage. "I'll allow it - but for a price," Charles says and I look at him questioningly but his face gives nothing away as we wait in the entrance for Arthur to catch up. When he does, it's only ten minutes until I'm being given a rundown by Charles in the pit lane in front of a purple Portofino M Ferrari. "Did you get all that?"
"You remembered..." I say, pointing at the car with a smile. "I can't believe you remembered..." I continue, watching a shy smile come over his face as he nods. "Truthfully no, I heard nothing - but I trust you, just please don't make Ruby an orphan," I tell him, smiling as he chuckles and goes back over the basics.
"Also... in case you didn't hear it before - it's going to be recorded but it won't be released unless you sign to do so, so don't stress it's just that it's all set up for it for other people!" Charles shrugs and I nod, happy with the explanation as I take the helmet from his hands and put it over my head, holding back from a nervous giggle as his hands go under my chin to do the strap up before shaking my head slightly to make sure it's on alright. "Okay, time to get in boss," he says, taking my hand and walking me towards the car, helping me into the low car in my heels before leaning in to do up all the straps. I could swear that he was purposefully grazing my ribs and thighs as he did so and even though I was clothed, it still produced the same effect as it had a month before on my bare skin. "See, now it's your turn to deal with someone doing up awkward straps!" He says gleefully as I giggle shaking my head at him, losing all other words to make it up to him. "You good there boss?"
"All good. Hurry up car boy," I tease him, watching as he skips around to his side of the car, saying something quickly to the people around as he sits in the driver's seat before putting on his helmet and doing up his own seatbelts. "Hey, how come you did up mine and you just did up your own?" I ask, hitting his arm in outrage as he just turns his helmeted head towards me and laughs at me.
"Because I'm just that good Alessia... I'm that good! Now, I'm not taking it easy on you so be ready to move but it's okay. I know you have a good core so rely on it, tense it and just trust me... do you trust me?" Charles asks and I laugh as I nod.
"I trust you not to leave your daughter without a mother..." I tell him, equally cheekily as he turns the key in the ignition and we feel the roar of the engine, a shock of excitement coming through my body as I try to brace myself and we slowly move out of the pit lane. Nothing quite prepares me for the acceleration out of the pit lane though, suddenly Charles foot goes what feels like all down on the gas, immediately eliciting a scream from me. "Too fast! Charles holy shit! Brake! Brake!" I scream as we come up to the chicane and I'm moved from one side of the car to the other as I hear him just laugh in response.
It turns out... no. I don't quite trust him with this!
"C'mon boss - just trust me," Charles shouts and I feel another yelp come up as he continues to accelerate around the corner, unable to stop myself as my hand shoots out to grab his arm. "Alessia!"
"I'm sorry!" I reply as I bring my hand back to myself. "Tell me something to calm me down," I tell him as I squeal and cover my eyes with my hands before peaking between them, unable to help myself as he takes a couple of the sharper turns, my heart beating faster and faster in my chest as we continue to move around the track.
"This is a warm up lap?" He teases me and my head shoots to look at him, begging for that not to be the case but as his eyes stay focused on the track I grab the edges of the seat and force myself back. "I'll stop whenever you say boss," he reassures me and I just shake my head.
"No, no, don't stop just -agh! This is so fast! This is terrifying!" I scream as we come up to the parabolica but somewhere along the way the screaming becomes giggles and laughter, leaving me before I can help it. "Charles Marc Hervé Perceval Lecle-agh oh my God slow down, please! You're going to kill me, you're going to kill us!" I scream as he goes full pelt on the straight and I hear his laughter ringing in my ears, the only thing even slightly calming me down.
"Alessia, trust me..." I hear his voice say smoothly in my ears as he brakes into the first chicane.
"I-I do, just fuck! This is so fast Charles! It's so fast!" I scream, my body falling towards him and my hand grabs his leg as I do so - not making the same mistake as before and grabbing his arm, hearing him hiss lightly as I do but nothing else as I cringe away from the speed and towards him, looking for the safety that I know he's capable of providing me. "I'd feel so much safer if Ruby was in here! You'd never do this with her in here!" I yell as he hits the next breaking point and we drift round a right hand corner.
"You're safe with me - just as much precious cargo as this morning, just breathe and you can kill me afterwards but try and enjoy this one boss," Charles says as we come back around the parabolica and I look at him in shock.
"What do you mean this one?" I ask Charles and he just chuckles. "Charles what do you mean, oh fuck not again!" I cry out but I try again even harder this time to do as he says and enjoy it, keeping the screaming and cursing to a minimum as the laughter and shrieks of joy come out instead as he tries his hardest with drifting and late braking around the famous Italian track. It helps that this time I do notice the fans already populating the stands who are watching me experience something any and all of them would kill for.
That doesn't stop me from being relieved when we finally pull to a stop in the pit lane, giggles filling my chest as I look over to see a very amused Charles next to me. "You do not trust me at all!" He accuses me and I smile apologetically at him as I undo the helmet and take it off, trying to fix my hair a little as I shrug. "Thank you for doing this... it was fun. Good start to a good day hopefully," Charles says smiling as he leans over and undoes my seat belt with ease, the movement serving as a tempting reminder of how agile his fingers can be.
"It was... an experience. I don't know if fun is the right word for it," I reply as I turn to face him, hair a mess from being under the helmet for so long, with a familiar smile as he looks back at me. "I'm glad that I did it with you though... no one else ever though, never ever!" I tell him definitively, enjoying the way that I managed to get him to laugh again as I lean over to mess up his hair. "Thank you car boy," I say softly reaching over to take his hand in mine, squeezing softly as the dimples on his face make themselves very present. The look has a reliable and regular effect of turning my stomach into it's own butterfly sanctuary in the process, the simmering under my heart getting turned up as his thumb rubs the back of my hand gently and he nods, clearly proud of himself.
"No problem boss."
******
Eh if the editing here isn't great I do apologise! I am severely sleep deprived but I do hope that you enjoy the chapter!
Thanks for the love and I don't got much else to say so yeah :)
E x