Justice POV;
She shouldn't have said it. Matter fact, she didn't say it.
But she had, and I'd helped her open up Pandora's Box because I can't help myself around her. I lose all the good sense my momma gave me every time I'm in her orbit.
Hyacinthe Claiborne was my ending, and she didn't even know it.
She gave herself to me freely, but I can't withstand the responsibility of her heart. Of my heart. Love was going beyond the friendship...relationship we'd built.
I couldn't let Cinthe love me, and I sure as fuck couldn't love her back. No matter how well her body fit in mine or how indescribable the feeling of waking up beside her was.
In the past, plenty of women had fucked with me enough to have feelings I hadn't quite reciprocated. I wasn't a saint and I damn sure wasn't the devil, but this might be my karma anyway.
Because this wasn't like anything I'd ever had before. This was heavy and real, and now that I was feeling more than I ever had, I wasn't completely sure that I was prepared for her. Or rather, I wasn't prepared for the inevitable hurt of her.
"You alright?" Hyacinthe questioned beside me. It was about the third time she'd asked if I was ok, but each time she used different words.
"Yea. I'm straight." I responded, hands tightening slightly on the wheel as I drove toward her apartment. It was probably the only way I could stop myself from touching her thigh or putting her hand in mine.
Considering I couldn't even look her in the eye for more than a few seconds at a time, touching was out of the question. Especially since I doubt she felt reassured by anything I'd said.
"Right." She said, weariness clear in her voice, but I knew she wouldn't press the issue.
Our understanding of each other wasn't linear. There were still hidden secrets that we had to discover, and this just happened to be one of them.
She wasn't sure how to move forward, already vulnerable from the realization that led to her confession. Truth be told, I wasn't entirely sure how to go on from this either.
Spending the weekend together and talking about my dad had been the wake-up call I needed from this false reality Cinthe and I were living in.
Love wasn't the solution to any and every problem, and like all things, it ends. Love didn't stop my family from missing a piece, and love wasn't going to keep Cinthe with me.
We would end if we kept going like this, and I'm not 'bout to sit back and let it happen. Friends is all we can be, but that doesn't mean I'm not gone need time accepting it.
Especially when I have to erase all the memories of the soft feel of her russet skin and the contortions of her face as she cums.
But I'd do it all to make sure Cinthe didn't become something I loved. Love for me never lasts, and she deserves more than what I could give her.
She'd always be fighting for the slices of love I could stand to lose, which meant she'd never get the whole thing. And she'd pretend to be fine with it at first, but grappling, unsatisfying love had a way of rotting your soul.
Except the selfish part of me would never let her go. It didn't matter that she won't understand because this is the only way to preserve and salvage what we'd given each other. Any other option would destroy the garden we'd nurtured and tarnish every flower.
Hyacinthe couldn't be mine, but I don't know how I'll cope with her being someone else's.
🦋
"The game is cheating! You see me pushing the buttons, this shit lagging." Eli complained beside me as he slammed his big ass thumbs on my controller.
"Man, just admit you're trash." I joked, momentarily freed from the haunting thoughts of my sweetest flower.
"Bruh, fuck this!" My best friend groaned before dropping the controller altogether.
Before I could ask what was really knocking him off his game, my phone dinged beside me. Stupidly, I was hoping for Lil' Cin to pop up, but unfortunately, it was my annoying ass sister.
"Do you have food at your house?" Heaven asked, her big ass forehead taking up the majority of the screen.
"No." I deadpanned, despite the half eaten box of pizza on my coffee table. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Eli using his hand to muffle his laughter.
"Liar, Eli already said y'all had food. Open the door." I groaned loudly as I went to answer the door while flicking my friend off.
"Don't you have a house?" I raised an eyebrow at her.
"Yeah, but there's free food at yours. Where's sister-in-law?" My sister asked, pushing me out her way to plop down into the spot I'd just vacated.
"Can't wait to hear this one." Eli snickered, but it was interrupted by Heaven smacking him upside the head. "Ow! What the fuck!"
He glared at her while rubbing at the spot that she'd hit, but he should be used to it. Eli and Heaven have had a love-hate relationship since we were little, but when it came down to it they loved each other like siblings.
I'm just glad she knocked him upside his head instead of going for me. Heaven was heavy-handed as fuck.
"You deserved it." She shrugged before taking a bite out of a slice of pizza she'd grabbed. "So, where's Hyacinthe?"
"What would make you think she was here?"
"Grandma Ray heard a girl's voice in the background when you called, and you haven't been answering anyone's texts. It couldn't be anyone else but her by the way you follow behind her with hearts in your eyes." Heaven said each word like it was obvious.
To be fair, she was the only person I never got tired of. Lil' Cin could ask to be conjoined at the hip, and I would've let her.
Which is exactly why distance was the best solution right now.
"We haven't hung out since last weekend. I'm giving her some space." I shrugged, but knowing my sister, that wouldn't be the last of the conversation.
"Now why in the hell would you do that? If you give her space, she'll realize how ugly you are!" Heaven exclaimed in outrage, but she quickly redirected it to Eli. "Did your lonely ass give him that bad fucking advice?"
"Watch your mouth."
"No, he did that dumb shit on his own!" Eli and I said at the same time.
Both of the guests in my home turned to me in question , which made me rub my forehead in frustration. I didn't like being interrogated, especially when I was trying to rationalize the situation myself.
"Is everybody gonna call me stupid in my own home?" I questioned.
"Yes." They said in unison.
"Look, I'm grown. I don't have to explain anything to you."
"Well, did you explain whatever's going on with you to her?" Heaven asked with a furrowed brow.
My silence seemed to be answer enough because my sister groaned loudly.
"Eli, go to the bathroom." She ordered and before he could fully protest, she continued, "Or I'll tell your momma bout how you lost your virginity on her favorite—"
"Alright, damn!" Eli grabbed his phone and walked off to my guest bathroom.
"So, what's really going on with you?" Heaven asked.
It was quiet for a moment as I thought of a way to answer her question.
Heaven was my sister, but we'd always had a different way of coping after our dad died. She had thrown caution to the wind while I found peace in it.
"Cinthe and I were getting a lot more serious than I was planning, and I'm not ready for all that right now. I'm just taking a step back to chill."
"Chill?" My sister echoed, clearly unimpressed. "There ain't nothing chill about the way you two look at each other. Y'all practically got a X-rated movie playing behind y'all eyes when you're in a room together. So, try again."
"I don't know what else you want me to say cause I already told you the reason."
She looked me over with narrowed eyes for a few seconds as if I was a puzzle she was missing a single piece to. Except realization seemed to dawn on her face as she came to some conclusion.
"This is about Dad, isn't it?" Heaven whispered, sadness a bitter aftertaste on her words.
"And if it was?"
"Then, that's really disappointing, Justice. Using his name as a reason to deny yourself something worthwhile isn't something he would've wanted."
Her words made me tense up and ball my fists against my thighs. Irrational anger grew in my mind and buried emotions threatened to spill over.
I'm sure my father would've wanted a lot of things. To live would probably have been the first.
"How would you know? He isn't here to tell me otherwise."
"But I am." Heaven argued while familiar anger and stubbornness blazed bright in her eyes. "He was just as much your dad as he was mine. And he would tell you the same damn thing because that girl gets you, Justice."
The rational little voice in my head agreed with my sister, but I couldn't let go of my pride to listen to it. There was nothing anyone could do because I had already decided this would be my fate.
If I was fortunate, the feelings Cinthe brought out in me would fade until I could ignore them entirely while she moved on with someone else. But I never considered myself a very lucky person, and those memories of her were burned into my skin like she never even left.
I carried a part of her in my chest. It was the same part that forced my heart to keep beating each time it stopped in her presence and the same part that filled my lungs with air when we were separated until I could see her again.
The plain fact of it was that Cinthe may recover, but I'd keep these wounds tucked away while they bled quietly. And I'd bear it because it was better than the alternative of her being lost to me completely, unable to be reached across purgatory.
"She won't leave unless you make her, Justice. Remember that." Heaven warned before turning to yell toward my bathroom. "Eli, you can stop eavesdropping around the corner and come back in here." She sighed as she rolled her eyes. "Men are idiots."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sorry for how long this chapter took to come! I had to finish finals on top of work for two jobs and just getting myself ready to graduate. In all honesty, I'm burnt out, and I didn't want to put out anything because I wasn't writing at my best.
But, I'm finally pulling myself back together, so I'm hoping to have updates back on track now. Thanks for your patience!