"What are you doing down there?"
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Josh left Neil's office far more confused than when he went in. He was playing. That, Josh most definitely knew. Question upon question fills his thoughts. Does he even know he has a crush him? How does he know? Has he always known? Why is Neil saying these things? What does he want? But most importantly. What should Josh do about it? He does his best to push it all to one side, but this innocent school crush was beginning to turn into something far more risky.
Things didn't get much better as the week moved into the next. Josh felt like he was losing his mind. It didn't stop with the no glasses comment from Neil, He would randomly drop comments about Josh's appearance, such as complimenting his hair or tie, or rub Josh's arm and say there was a speck on it. Josh was struggling not to read into everything. Justifying each action as platonic or motivational. He ordinarily wouldn't be bothered by it, but because it was coming from a man with whom he had fantasises over, he felt like his mind was playing tricks.
***
It's mid-morning, and Josh is in the kitchen making himself a drink in the horse mug he had not replaced. As the kettle boils, he stares at the white tiled wall in front of him behind the countertop, half taking in the motivational quotes about teamwork and the fire safety notice.
He doesn't hear someone approach from behind, but his cologne gives away who it is. Josh's back feels a shivery tickle down it. He feels paralysed and pretends he is unaware of the presence of the other.
Neil takes another step forward, as he now makes it impossible for Josh to ignore him. He applies his body pressure to the back of Josh, leaning into him like they are two spoons in a drawer. Josh puts his head down, staring at the countertop, and grabs the edges with his hands. Neil slips his right hand under Josh's right arm and places the Dalek mug on the surface next to the existing horse mug. He then moves his hand away and leans towards Josh's right ear.
"You know how I like it." He says before moving away completely, just as the kettle reaches the boil. Josh feels his presence leave him, and he can finally take a breath.
He looks down again at the two mugs. He couldn't do this anymore. He couldn't keep feeling this way. He needed to have it out with him. Neil either needs to leave him alone, or... or... Josh grabs the knot of his tie, tugging at it. It loosens slightly, allowing him to undo the top button of his shirt. He suddenly felt like he couldn't breathe, like his lungs couldn't take in enough air , like his mind had an irrational control over his body.
"Josh? are you ok?" He turns to see a very worried Maria looking at him. "You're making a funny noise."
Josh suddenly becomes aware once again of his physical state, realising that he'd been breathing through his teeth. "I'm fine." Josh tries to make the two drinks, but his coordination is off. He begins to shake. He can hear Maria walking towards him. She touches the back of his shirt.
"You'll be alright." She reassures, as her actions help Josh to calm his breathing. He blows out of his mouth through hollowed checks a few times. "I'll make these." She says.
"Thanks." Josh just stands there in the kitchen, trying to compose himself.
She puts his mug next to him and carries the other one through to Neil, leaving Josh to get himself together before she returns. "You ok now?"
"Yeah, I think so." he smiles, and she heads to leave. "Maria. Thank you."
"Hey, just returing the favour." She says, smiling. Josh smiles back, again with that niggling reminder of that night and whatever she meant by the word favour.
***
Josh decides to have lunch in the car after the morning dramas. Some time for him to work out what he should do. He pulls back the plastic of his premade sandwich and is about to take a bite, when he sees Maria heading his way... with food. Josh stupidly tries to duck down in his seat but she has seen him already. She knocks on the passenger door.
"What are you doing down there?"
Josh reluctantly sits up and unlocks the door for her to get in. "I uh....I lost a contact." He lies.
Maria suddenly gets on her hands and knees and starts patting the passenger foot well of the car. Josh watches in amusement at her efforts to find the non existent contact lense. "It's ok I have a spare." He finally says. She gets back up and sits on the passenger seat closing the door behind her.
"Rich is so immature. I need space from him." She grumbles as she settles on the seat.
"Do you mind if I put some music on?" This was Josh's attempt to drown out the anticipated food noises.
"Sure." She replies and he select a random mix of hits from his downloads. He starts to eat his sandwich, and Maria pulls a half baguette from her paper bag. He stares ahead. He can do this. She won't send his senses crazy.
"Josh?" Maria suddenly asks between her two bites. "Are you sure you're ok?"
He looks over to her. She looks genuinely worried about him. Should he tell her about Neil?
"I'm ok now. It's just..."
"Just what? ... Is it Neil?"
He looks a little surprised that she hits the nail on the head the first time around. "He's working you too hard, isn't he." No, she's missed the nail completely.
"He is kind of putting the pressure on...yes." That was true. Just not the kind Maria was thinking of.
"I know a panic attack when I see one." She continues, looking down. "I've had a couple in the past."
"I'm sorry, I didn't know." Josh tries to give her the comfort she gave him earlier by putting a hand on her shoulder. She looks up at him with wide eyes, and Josh realises that he might have inadvertently created a 'moment'.
Maria looks intently at him. She is leaning closer, looking at his lips, and he panics. He doesn't know what to do other than to pull away and bite another mouth of sandwich, turning and staring out of the front window. He glances over at Maria , ho looks completely mortified, suddenly pulling back. He swallows down his mouthful, the bread getting stuck in his throat on the way.
"Maria...I'm sorry.."
She looks at him smiling, but he can see her eyes getting glassy. "Hey , t's ok. I just read the signs wrong. I just thought that night, that..."
"Look, that was on me. It's my fault completely. It was wrong of me to sleep with you..."
"What?" Maria's eyes widen.
"I...I mean it was lovely, but I shouldn't have led you on."
"Josh....we haven't slept together."
"What...what do you mean?" He feels the blood drain from his face. "I must have done something."
"Josh...trust me I would remember." She looks him up and down.
"Then why are you so thankful to me? What did I do for you?"
Maria sighs, looking out the front of the car window. "My God. How drunk were you?"Josh doesn't say anything, as he just looks down a little sheepish. Maria rolls her eyes and sighs. "We were in a shared taxi, coming home from the club, you, me, and Rich. We all had been drinking, but Rich was being full on. He kept trying to come on to me. Putting his hand on my leg and stuff and just being a jerk. You swapped seats with me. That's all. You swapped seats."
The car goes momentarily silent, apart from Harry Styles singing his heart out. Josh processes this newfound information.
"Maria?"
"Yes, Josh." She looks at him with a heavy sigh.
"Was. ..Neil, Mr Rose. Was he out with us?"
"No. He went home. Why?"
"I definitely slept with someone…" Josh looks at her with embarrassment.
"Oh my God. You think you slept with Neil? Are you serious? He's a married man.....wait. Are you gay? Is he gay?"
"Just shut up talking a minute!" He shouts at her. She snaps her mouth shut. "I can't remember anything from that night... nothing. I don't know what I did."
"Well, when the taxi dropped me off at my place, it was just you and Rich, so you'll have to ask him." She opens the door to get out, leaning her head into the open car door. "I knew it, I don't usually have to try this hard." She says before getting out and slamming it closed. Josh watches her stomp across the carpark back to the building. He turns off the music, putting his sandwich on the dash, ge grips the steering wheel, and squeezes onto it tight, his knuckles turn white. He needs to know.