Title: Cruel Empathy
Author: EmmeMoore86
Reviewer: CoffeeAndSilverInk
▂▂▂▂▂▂▂
SYNOPSIS
Anna Holland is a college freshman with strange empathic psychic powers that she has managed to keep hidden. She senses auras, feels what others feel as though she feels them herself, and has powerful intuitions that she is inclined to follow. Unfortunately, one of these strong urges leads her to being sucked into another universe where she is at the mercy of a dangerous warlord who calls her a mage and claims to have been waiting for her.
▂▂▂▂▂▂▂
Title and Cover:
The title works perfectly. It is original and catchy. Plus, it explains how Anna feels about being an empath.
I'm not the biggest fan of the cover. It's pretty and both author and title are easily spotted, but it feels bland. It doesn't scream Fantasy. I suggest taking a look at other book covers of the genre.
Blurb:
The blurb is too short. Try to aim for 150-200 words. Besides that, it is clear, gives enough information about the main character and how she ended up in her situation and has a twist at the end that interests the reader.
Writing a blurb has a few simple steps. 1. Introduce the main characters - which the author has accomplished well. 2. Introduce main conflict - we know she is stuck in another universe, but describing a little more the universe would draw the reader's curiosity. 3. Appeal to the reader - this would be where you end with a line so good the reader would have no other choice but to open your book.
Plot/Flow:
The flow of the story is excruciatingly slow. I read the first ten chapters all at once, but when I realised the story wasn't moving forward, it was harder to pick it up. After nineteen chapters they are still travelling, Rye is still an idiot, and Anna has long given up trying to flee. I get it that it's all for character development, but Anna being drugged is the most interesting thing to happen after her last attempt of getting back home.
The opening is good and hooks you instantly. Yet I found it very "telly" and not enough "showy" in terms of description and narration if you know what I mean. The cliffhanger in the end was also good and it works to keep the readers interested.
The story follows Anna in her journey of being sucked into another universe, claimed by a warlord and trying to survive it. Seems like a good premise and it is making a good story, but I'm going to ruin it all with one question. What else? It just doesn't feel enough for me. Anna was strong willed and was focused on getting back home as fast as possible, but it's been a lot of chapters of her just doing what Ryevin is telling her and getting softer towards him by the day. I was down for more Anna trying to outsmart the cavemen gang.
Don't get me wrong, I know throughout these chapters we have learned a little bit more about the characters and the worlds, which is very important. Besides that, we've also been able to theorise what could possibly be the reason why Anna is there and why Ryevin knew all that. It took an awful long time for him to finally come clean about what he knows, but it makes sense knowing they need time to trust each other.
All my whining aside, the beginning is good and really hooks the reader into the story and chapters 18 and 19 were really interesting to me. It's just the in-between that could be more eventful. Or shortened.
The flashback chapters are also well written and contribute a lot to the story. My favourite was "The Mage of Nightmares". It gave us an insight of how Anna ended up in our world and the story of her parents.
Descriptions:
The description could be better, more smooth at least. From chapter 1 to the following I felt like the imagery was losing quality and quantity. The description of what happened in the lake was really great (as were the feelings of Vela who should've totally drowned Sol) and I wish the rest of the chapters had that level of description.
Characterization:
I knew I was not this book's target audience once I saw the comments praising Ryevin. When I tell you 80% of my notes are complaining about him, I am not joking.
He's a caveman, he's a brute, and that's very well portrayed. So well portrayed I hate and will forever hate him. I will never forgive him for murdering Fin. Throughout the story it is obvious he is trying to understand Anna and be good to her, but his own views crash against hers. This means he will often do something incredibly and stupidly mean and then feel bad for doing so (E.g. Tying her with a rope and being surprised that it wounded her after she told him several times it was hurting).
His development is pointed towards him being more tolerant and respectful towards Anna, but it seems shaky. At times he is being nice, then he is a brute again. He only cares about what she can give him and not at all about her even if he thinks he is caring for her. To him, she is property, which is infuriating. He's hard to like. Maybe if his development was more steady, or at least at some point became steadier, it would be easier to grow attached to him. Right now his behaviour goes up and down in the scale of decency like a child jumping rope.
One of my notes of the first chapters describes Rye perfectly: "Oh Anna, love me even though I'm a beast and don't care about your needs and wants! Love me! Love me! Oh, you don't love me? Okay, then I'll rage at you for half an hour and sulk in like the brute child I am. Happy?"
It took me a bit to like Anna, but she is very well represented too. I was surprised that she digs her nails in her arms and not in her palms as it is mostly shown in the media, but I think it's an interesting detail. Her anxiety is well portrayed and her whole backstory makes sense. She is strong despite the first impression of a scared, powerless girl. She's smart and refuses to just accept her fate as Ryevin wants her too.
Anna is confusing. In one moment she is trying to flee, and in the next she is telling her captor about her life. Just like Rye, she likes to jump around with her mood. It's hard to believe that a girl with Anna's background could just soften to a kidnapper like that, yet in many moments she ends up sharing many details about her when he is sharing absolutely nothing for the most part. I think she can be further explored because she has a lot of potential that could be developed.
She's also very quick to accept calling him by his shortname, even though he had just murdered my all time favourite character right in front of her (#justiceforfin). The longname/shortname dynamic could be used as a plot device for relationship development. His shortname could be used to show when she starts trusting him. Instead of calling him Rye right away, Anna could only start calling him once she started feeling more at ease with him, which would show that their relationship was moving forward. And then he drugs her and the dynamic changes again.
Side characters are well introduced in their debut chapters, but they're a lot and by the end the only one I could actually recall was Ash. They should make more appearances (impactful ones) so that they are more memorable.
Writing:
In the first paragraph, the sentence "There was a lake..." breaks the flow. The beginning sentences are describing space and weather, but that one sentence goes against that.
Don't describe the main character's appearance in the first paragraphs in an info-dump. The fact that she is pretty is not important to the main story, so introduce details about her appearance in a more smooth way, blending it into the text.
Don't say "gave a heavy sigh", say "heaved a sigh" or "a heavy sigh left/escaped her lips" or just "sighed (heavily)". There are a ton of other variations for that sentence. Yet, try to avoid weak adverbs such as "heavily", "basically", and so on...
When she wonders if she was called there to die, it's all description of what she is feeling, and then description of what is happening. I suggest splitting it into two paragraphs.
Punctuation should be reviewed, especially in dialogue.
Besides that, the writing is good, easy to read and not mechanical at all. It is pleasant and straight to the point, while sharing characters' thoughts at the same time.
Overall enjoyment:
First of all, I want to apologise for taking so long. Life got in the way and I had never reviewed more than 10 chapters before.
The story is enjoyable and interesting, and I found myself truly immersed in it. I would actually finish reading if I had time and if I didn't despise Rye the way I do. Thankfully, most readers like characters like him, so it's all good.
Good luck with your future projects and thank you for choosing me as your reviewer.