In which you deal with the loss of your last living family member, the middle stages; bargaining and depression (2)
Listen to: You're On Your Own, Kid - Taylor Swift
tw suicidal thoughts
The bright light made you squint your eyes as they tried to pry themselves open. Just as you tried to get up, a wave of pain washed over your body, making you grunt and fall back onto the bed. "Ow." While you were trying to get your eyes open and seeing clearly, you heard two figures stumble awake when they heard you. After squinting and blinking a few times, you open your eyes to see Jenna and Peter over you. "Holy shit." You flinched, terrified for your life. "Don't do that."
"Are you okay?" Jenna asked, putting her hand on your leg as you pushed yourself up. You looked down at your body, seeing that there was only a gown around your body.
Your eyes widened, looking down at yourself. "Who took my suit off?"
"They can't operate on you with your suit on." Peter mumbled, as if it was obvious.
"Okay, but you never answered my question, how are you?" Jenna put a hand on your shoulder, making you look at her once more.
"How good would you feel if you got stabbed after fighting multiple men?" You retorted, before groaning at another wave of pain. Jenna immediately got up, Peter going off to get a doctor.
"Lay down again." She lowered her voice.
"Jenna, I'm fine. It wasn't necessary to get surgery on me." You grumbled. "I can heal on my own."
"He had a huge blade stuck inside of you, y/n, I don't think you could heal that with your powers." She looked as if she was on the verge of tears, making your gaze softened. "God, y/n." She scoffed as she wiped the tears.
You held back any comment of wanting to die, it was something you thought you deserved, but you held it back because you didn't want Jenna to cry.
Although you had an amazing family growing up, school wasn't the best for you, it caused so many of your now mental issues. You've always thought about going down the darker route, but what stopped you was seeing how your family would react, so, you internalized all of your feelings, not wanting to hurt anyone with them. You've done it with your family, you'll do it now.
You made a promise to yourself to never let Jenna know about how undeserving you are of this life you have, just so you wouldn't upset her. "I'm alive now, okay? I would say I'm okay but I'm kinda not." You held her warm hand in your own.
She let out a wet laugh, sniffling slightly. "I just- I don't want to lose you." You nodded, you understood how she felt. "God, I would've been so pissed at myself if you died before I could ask you out."
"Jenna, it never would've been your fault-" You stopped yourself, rewinding what she had just said. "Wait what?" A flutter went around your stomach, but you weren't entirely sure if it was from the pain or from Jenna.
"Alright, Ms. Parker, I'd like to have you know that you'll be amazing in no time." The doctor announced, walking into the room. You tore your eyes from Jenna, looking to the doctor. "Your body works wonders, it started to heal as we did the surgery. I guarantee you that you'll be fine, just as long as you don't go around swinging like you always do."
"What?" You exclaimed, sitting up too quick.
Your eyes fluttered shut as you let out a soft grunt of pain. "Woah, take it easy. You don't want to risk opening the stitches. We can't have you swinging around and getting stabbed, it could ruin the progress your body made."
"The fuck? I thought you said I'd be fine." You couldn't just stop being Spider-Woman. It was the one thing you prided yourself on, and now you can't do it?
"You will be, but you have to give it time." You let out a scoff and rolled your eyes. "Trust us, Mr. Stark hired us for a reason."
"Mrs. Stark, or well Potts. Pepper hired you guys, not Tony." You corrected.
The doctor just chuckled. "Alright, we'll get you out of here soon, here are some painkillers if the pain becomes too much. I doubt you'll need them, though." He handed you the bottle.
"Thanks, Doc." Peter put a hand on his shoulder, a grateful smile on his face. The doctor merely waved and went off.
"Don't you need to get back to your own universe?" You asked, unhooking yourself from the machines.
"Eh, that doesn't matter right now. I'm just as smart as you, I'll figure it out." You raised your eyebrows, not quite believing the boy. "Rude." He huffed.
______
It had been a few weeks since Peter left. You continued to keep your thoughts to yourself, trying to put up a front for Jenna. But Jenna being Jenna, she's known the whole time, and brushed it up to you trying to cope. She kept her eye on you, but knew it wouldn't be enough.
The two of you never really talked about what she had said back when you first woke up. You desperately tried to, but it never worked out. Jenna was extra careful around you, always trying to help you, it was sweet but you didn't like that you felt as if you were babied.
You were stuck into your own thoughts, as always. You wondered if your sister would've been alive if you just hadn't brought her into this, if you hadn't been Spider-Woman, she might've- just might've still been alive. You didn't deserve to live after failing almost everyone, they all died. "Y/n?" Jenna's voice brought you back into reality.
"Hmm?" You looked back up to the girl.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm alright." You brushed off, going back to your food. A slight pain hit your stomach, making you let out a soft groan.
Jenna got out of her chair. "Are you okay? Do I need to call-"
"I'm fine." You snapped. You immediately regretted your tone once it came out of your mouth. "I'm sorry."
"Y/n, I'm just trying to help." She knew to be patient with you, your sister's death was still fresh. "I don't want to see you hurt again, okay? I don't want to lose you."
"I'm perfectly capable of dealing with it myself, okay? I've lost enough people to know how this works." You raised your voice. You felt tears start to well in your eyes, making you get up abruptly. "I'm sorry." You muttered before walking off to your room to compose yourself.
Jenna followed after you, clearly concerned about what you've been thinking about. "Y/n?" She found you looming over your desk (that you had finally fixed).
"Please, Jenna-" Your voice cracked as tears slid down your cheeks. "I don't want to say something I'll regret."
"It's going to be okay, y/n. I get that you want to work on this alone, but I'm always here for you. I don't want you to bottle in your emotions. I get that it may have been how you coped then, but I'm not letting that happen." She told you, softly touching your face so you could look at her. She guided you to your bed, sitting beside you. You quickly engulfed her into a hug, sobbing into her clothes.
"Jenna, if I had only just gotten there, she would've been fine." You complained, your voice muffled by her neck. You went on to tell her about all the thoughts you've had lately, how you felt worthless, how you couldn't complete the one thing that you promised that you would do, along with all of the what ifs you've had. It broke her heart to hear the way that you talked about yourself. "It should've been me who died, then all these problems would've stopp-"
"Hey." Jenna was stern, bringing your face out her neck to look at you in the eyes. "Don't talk about yourself like that, you are worth so much. You've saved countless lives and you deserve to be happy. You brought back all those people back into their universes-"
"Jenna! Just- just stop!" You let out a shaky breath. "I don't need you lying to me about this."
"I'm not lying, y/n." She holds you close. "You know I wouldn't lie straight to your face. I can't lie straight to your face. I know you're a good person at heart, you always do your best to help out. Every time someone asks me about you, all I could say are good things. You aren't worthless, you're human. Fuck- you're so loyal to that no killing rule, just because you believe in the good of people. That's who I fell in love with, okay? Not this always angry, one move away from going on a rampage, version of you."
Even though she's smaller than you, you looked up at her because you were just leaning on her. "You're in love with me?" She let out a laugh, that was more like a huff.
"Who isn't? How can I not?" She looked down at you, you could see it. She really did mean it. "I told you, you're such a good person." She poked your chest. "But I don't want to get into anything." You felt your heart pang, your stomach twisted. "Before you say anything, I just don't want you doing anything you regret. Grief and a loss can make people do dumb things."
"Are you saying I shouldn't get with you?"
"I'm saying I don't want you doing anything you'll regret." She corrected, bringing her hand up to run her fingers through your hair. "And as of right now, I'm not concerned if you love me or not. I just want you to be the best version of you."
You nodded, gulping. You grasped her, holding her tight. You started to break down into tears. From then, you vowed to get your shit together. For her.