King furiously wagged his tail back and fourth, this caused his tail to brush against Carrie's face in the cramped mini van of Hanks.
The two, the girl and the Golden Retriever, were in the backseat. Carrie gripping the seatbelt that kept her safe.
Hank was in the drivers seat while Eric stayed in the passenger seat, anxiously tapping his fingers on the center console.
They were in the middle of a silence.
One that has persisted.
Not by Hanks doing, who had desperately tried to make conversation with Carrie. He offered her many things like pasta, her favorite food, even asked if she wanted to stop somewhere for anything she wanted.
She politely declined everything he offered.
Eventually he gave up on that after Eric whispered something to him, Carrie didn't hear what was said but, if she was being honest with herself, she didn't want to know.
It would most definitely be something bad, she thought.
Like how she's a lost cause or that she's broken.
She thinks- no, she knows- that she's broken.
She's trying her best to be here in the moment, with Hank and Eric, but her mind won't stop wondering to other places. Other people.
Bill. He was always there, maybe not physically but mentally.
Jude who, unlike Bill, was still alive and free. The man he's coming back for Owen and Elliott.
Carrie wasn't much of an optimist now but- she did find a silver lining.
'Boys..' Jude had said. Not boy, singular. Not 'I killed Elliott, now I'm finishing the job with Owen' that most certainly meant something.
Owen and Elliott.
They were both alive.
She managed to safe Elliott.
At least she was good for something, she thought.
She wondered how the rest of the boys were doing.
Eric, on the outside, seemed to be okay. But that was him always. The big brother you counted on when things got tough. He was selling it well but, like anyone, he needed a break from carrying the weight of this stress.
Carrie so intensely wanted to help. To rip some of the weight of his back and carry it with him.
She couldn't.
Not only would he not let her but she's already crumbling under her own boulders. Hers were different from his.
While his were expectations, stress and pressure to be the reliable one- Carrie's was trauma, depression and the crippling image of watching herself stab her father in the neck with a broken wine bottle.
It played over and over again in her head, among other distasteful memories of that night. And other nights she shared with him.
Owen. Oh Owen.
Carrie expected a blow up from him. Then either a very long period of silence or a quick make up and him going back to normal, loving Owen.
She hoped, well hopes a bad word since she has none left anymore, for the latter; sure she'd have to deal with a pissed off Owen but she'd rather have that then no Owen at all.
Luke and Liam. Well she didn't know. Luke would be fine, Liam's the one who'd be pissed if anything. She hoped the twins, or at least the smart Liam, could be able to compose themselves.
Xander. He'd be so mad. He'd act all tough until he didn't...he'd cry into Carrie's arms, she'll allow it for a while before lugging him into Hank.
Wouldn't the worst reactions, not the best either.
Benji. Oh little Benji. He'd cry. Like really cry and cry for a long time: something Carrie hasn't truly seen in all her time with the Andersons.
Sure Benji would cry from time to time about things but never for longer than a few minutes & never for something as serious as this.
It would break her already cracking heart.
They turned into their neighborhood and Carrie held the seatbelt strap tightly. King, the therapy dog he is, sensed her discomfort and nudged against her.
His head rested on her shoulder and she couldn't help but let go of the belt to let her dog.
Her dog. Well technically Hank cause Miss. Brandy gave him to Hank but still- Her dog.
He happily received the pats and looked at her with his big puppy eyes when she stopped. She sighed & looked at the fluffy thing.
"I can't pet you all day." She whispered again his soft and surprisingly nice scented fur. Eric looked back at the two of them and smiled.
"I certainly can." Eric reached his hand out and let King sniff his hand before gently petting him. King looked like he was enjoying himself.
"He'll love Benji, King is great with kids." Carrie said. Hank laughed. "I've been told, Brandy also said he's well-trained and doesn't pee on carpets."
Of course that was the selling point for Hank.
Time and time again, Hank has politely declined on getting any form of pet whenever one of his kids had asked for one.
One because of the cleaning, that would be a mess. Two because he knew how rough his boys were and didn't want the poor thing to get hurt.
But- something inside of him (or something Miss. Brandy said) made me decide to take him in. She didn't know why but she was thankful.
She loved that dog.
He was there for her in the darkest times of her foster home stays.
She was glad he was staying hun then now, she knew it would make Benji happy too. And him being happy- hell all her brothers being happy was all that matter to her. Hank top of course.
She didn't feel like she could be happy anymore but that didn't mean she wanted everyone else to be not happy.
She wanted her family to be happy.
That's what she wanted. And she knew it.
"We're home!" Hank said excitedly. He parked the car in the driveway and Eric started getting out of the car.
Hank turned to me. "You ready?"
She wasn't. She was....okay, she had no emotion yet but still- she knew she wasn't ready.
She knew this wasn't going to be easy- for her at least.
"Can I have a minute please?" Hank and Eric looked between each other before Hank sighed and nodded his head. "Alright, I'm going to bring this boy inside."
Hank turned to his oldest son and put his hand on his shoulder. "Stay with her." Eric nodded.
Hank took a hold of King's leash and herds him into the house.
King was a therapy dog, he was trained to not use a leash but Hank insisted on it. He was a cautious dad for sure.
Carrie was curious to know what Miss. Brandy said to Hank to convince him.
Hank shut the door, leaving Eric and Carrie alone.
Eric opened Carrie's door and stood in between the door and the car.
"You alright?" He asked her after a long silence.
"Yeah." She wasn't. But she couldn't show it.
She was....she didn't know.
She just didn't want to go in that house.
Not because she didn't want to see her brothers or anything like that.
She loved them more than anything. That's why she shouldn't go inside.
They didn't need her, she didn't think she was good for them. She was broken. She didn't need to shove that onto her brothers.
Deep down, she felt like a burden.
"You sure?" Eric asked. Carrie nodded.
Eric sighed. "Carrie...dad is blinded with his own happiness with you being home, he doesn't see it but I do. I know somethings up, how could there not be. You went through some shit."
Carrie shrugged. "Yeah but I'm fine." She wasn't.
"You aren't okay Carrie, and that's okay. But know if it gets bad enough you come to me, or Hank. I...we won't let you go through this alone."
Carrie loved Eric but she wanted him to shut up. She didn't want to put them through anything else.
"I appreciate it Eric."
He leaned his large body into the car and ruffled her hair. "Anything for my baby sister, now come on. The boys have been missing you long enough."
Carrie looked down at her trembly hands. "Yeah." She unbuckled her seatbelt and slid her body out of the seat. Eric took Carrie's crutches out of the trunk and offered them to her.
Her leg still hurt and she doesn't put any weight on it without crying out in pain. She still needed the crutch to help her and she was embarrassed about it.
She didn't like being hurt. She didn't like having to rely on people to help her. She felt so helpless and vulnerable.
She shook her head and started to walk; as soon as she landed on her right leg though, she nearly fell on her ass, it hurt so bad.
"Carrie!" Eric grabbed the inner part of her elbow & lifted her up with his own strength. "You have to use them." He insisted.
She shook her head. "I can't."
Eric gripped onto the crutches and grabbed Carrie's waist. She lets out a gasp as she's throw up into the air and put over Eric's shoulder.
"What're you doing?" Carrie asked in her apparently permanent monotone voice. Eric smiled. "There's no way I'm letting you fall and hurt yourself again, it will suck if you have to go to the hospital again."
He started walking toward the front door, Carrie on her shoulder and one hand and the crutches in the other.
He went up the steps, easily even with crutches and a teenage girl in his arms. Eric pushed the door and leaned the crutches on the coat hanger.
Eric gently helped Carrie down. "I can walk. I'm okay so yeah." Eric nodded.
He grabbed her hand, they walked through the front door hallway and ended up in the living room. We're all the boys were- expect Luke and Owen.
Carrie wondered where he was just as the boys saw her.
Benji was on the floor with King, rubbing his tummy and smiling wide at him. Carrie was glad to see him happy and not in tears but, judging by his puffy eyes he had been crying.
"Carrie!" The first pair of hands around her were slim & not very strong. They were also on the shorter end of the spectrum.
It was Xander. His arms were around her, they land underneath her arms and his face was in her chest. She wanted to push him off because of the awkward way he was hugging her.
But as soon as she heard him whimper, she couldn't stop him.
She lifted her weak hand up & patted the top of his messy hair head. "Hi buddy." Carrie mumbled.
"My turn!" Benji sloppily kissed King one more time before rushing over to Carrie, he squeezed between Carrie and Xander.
His words were muffled by the two, Carrie did feel another set of hands around herself. They smaller hands only landed to her waist.
"I missed you, I missed you, I missed you!" Benji cried, squeezing as hard as his little arms could.
Xander moved away to let Benji hold his sister, Hank took him into his arms and held him as he cried.
Carrie felt awful for her little brother. She wishes she could take the hurt away from him- from them all and give it to himself.
"I missed you so much!" Benji said again, jumping up and down- this got King excited who joined us. Carrie's heart warmed a little, she didn't feel yet. It was a start though.
"I did too, Benj." He looked up at her with his big old adorable blue eyes. "You did?!" She nodded and he frowned. "Then why did you leave?"
"I-I-"
"How about we don't talk about that right now bud." Liam said grabbed Benji and picking him up. Benji let out a giggle, seemingly forgetting about serious tone of the conversation just before.
"Okay!" He said in his innocent tone.
Carrie wishes she could be so innocent like Benji. She hasn't been like that since four but, at the ripe old age of seven, he's still innocent.
Liam put Benji down and looked at his sister with a warm look. "Hey you." He moved closer and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
"Hi." He smiled and hugged her. "It's been real tense here without you." Carrie felt guilty, she knew it really wasn't her fault but she did go with Jude.
...Even though she didn't go by choice. She can't help but blame herself...for everything.
"Is it Owen?" Carrie asked. She assumed because he's known for brash and uncontrollable emotions, that he'd been making the house more depressing then it already was.
Liam looked away. "No, he's been surprisingly not a dickhead. It's Luke."
Luke? He's always so funny and never actually mad. He's the last one Carrie thought to be emotional and problem causing.
Carrie looked around. "Where is he? And Owen?"
"Yeah I'd like to know too." Eric said, leaning against the doorway. "They were here when we left."
Liam cleared his throat. "Luke got tired of waiting & stormed off, Owen followed after them."
Benji sniffled. "They were loud, yelling and it was scary." Xander moved his face away from his dad and nodded. "Yeah Luke's been an asshole lately. Ever since ya left."
Yet another reason for Carrie to feel bad.
Hank gave Xander a bad look. "Language." Hank whispered.
"Oh." Just as Carrie was stewing in her guilt, the front door opened and slammed against the wall. Not a good way to start.
"You can't just run away from your problems, Luke!" Owen said, voice seeming almost over the edge. It seemed he was about to blow.
"Oh yeah? That's rich coming from you. Who's the one who always throws a hissy fit when something doesn't go your way?!" Luke's voice was loud and slurred.
He sounded...drunk?
Carrie knew that well, between her father and some of her foster parents being alcoholic- she knew how they sounded. And how it effects people.
"Luke stop pushing us away! I know your hurting and I'm sorry but it's getting on my fucking nerves! Let us in, let us help you!"
Benji ran over to Eric and motioned to be held in his arms, Eric picked him up and held him tightly.
"You're the one on my fucking nerves! Just leave me alone!" Luke came into view, he glanced in the living room and stopped in his tracks.
He stared dead at Carrie.
"Jesus Luke, I'm trying here! I-" Owen also stepped into the living room.
His eyes landed on Carrie but, unlike Luke, his eyes went watery and he grinned from ear to ear.
"Oh my God!" Carrie finally smiled, a real one. Still not feeling though.
"H-hi." Owen ran to his sister, he lifted her up and spun her around. She let him.
He placed her back on the ground and groaned in pain after landing on her bad foot. He pulled away and put his hands on her cheek.
"What? What is it?" He looked her up and down. "Oh shit, why do you have so many bandages? How bad does it hurt? How can I help?!"
Carrie appreciates her brother and is surprised that he's not more angry. She expected a full blown well blow up.
"I'm fine." She lied. "But the bandages...your hurt."
Carrie looked down at herself.
The outfit she had on when she left the hospital in left nothing hidden. Her arm bandages were out & showing from her short sleeved shirt and her right leg wasn't a pretty sight with the gazes & scratches.
Her nose was still screwed up, thankfully it wasn't broken. But the bloody lip and the black eye didn't help out either.
"I'm fine. I am."
Owen bit back tears. "I'm so glad your home. I love you." Carrie was about to respond but-
"Your glad? It's not like she wants to be here." Luke said. Everyone looked at him.
"Why would you say that?" Eric asked.
Luke stumbled over and laughed crudely. "She left & when it got bad, she came crawling back...That's all. It's that simple."
Carrie knew what he was saying was false. Carrie didn't want to go, she only left them to save them. She killed her own father so she could go home to them...and so he didn't rape her.
"Luke you shouldn't say things about something you don't understand." Hank warned, putting his hand on his shoulder.
Luke ripped it off of him and pointed at Eric. "You all heard what he said yesterday! Carrie doesn't want to see us! She just wants her fucked up dad!"
Even hearing all these awful things, she didn't feel anything.
Carrie stepped forward. "I love you Luke, I know you don't mean any of this, it's whatever your on." Carrie tried to reach out to him but he smacked it away and hard too.
She stepped back a few steps, jumpy.
"I mean it, every single word." He slurred.
"No." Carrie said.
"I do!" He gripped her shoulders and dug her fingers into them. "You don't want us and I don't wa-" Owen gently guided Carrie away & roughly grabbed Luke's arm.
He pressed her against the wall. "I swear I'll smack you if you finish that damn sentence; brother or not, you won't make our sister's trauma worse."
Carrie looked away.
"Oh yeah, best big brother Owen come to save the day." Luke mocked. Owen looked pissed enough to punch him, Carrie put her hand on Owen's arm and shook her head.
"Don't. It's fine."
"It's not fine!" Luke yelled. Carrie turned to him.
"I love you Luke. I'll see you later...when your more calm."
Carrie started for the stairs & went halfway up before Luke shouted. "Running away again? Looks like you do that a lot lately."
Carrie turned around. "I'm walking, not running." She turned back around and went to her room.
She wasn't a little shaken up because of what Luke said- she was expecting it...well, not from Luke but still knew something like that would happen.
It was the fact that during that, all of Luke's harsh words, didn't effect her at all.
Sure she felt a little guilty but no angry, no sadness, no annoyance...nothing.
She was numb. Numb to everything.
She was- wait a minute...where the hell is her door?
Carrie stopped just short of her doorway to see that- well she had no door. It was replaced with a shower curtain looking cover that easily slid open & closed.
She blinked a few times in surprise. Safe to say, she was confused as hell.
She stared before hearing someone come behind her. It was Hank.
"I was going to tell you about that but you ran off before we could talk-"
"Why does everyone think I ran?" She asked in a monotone voice.
He laughed. "No, no I know. The thing is...the cuts on your arm."
Carrie knew then.
"I'm not going to kill myself."
Hank shook his head and tucked some hair behind my ear. "I trust you sweetie, I didn't want this either but it's only temporary. I promise."
Carrie didn't retaliate. "Okay."
He closed his eyes and kissed her forehead. "I am so sorry."
"Why?" She asked cluelessly.
"For the door, for Luke, and for not realizing what you were going through." Hank didn't do anything wrong. He was the best father in the world.
"Don't blame yourself dad." It's all my fault is what she wanted to say.
He smiled and cried. "I never want you gone again." He mumbled. "I never want to leave." Carrie said.
It was partly a lie. She didn't think her being here was good for her brothers. But she- to her selfishly- wanted to be there.
"I promise things will be better. You'll never have to deal with this again. I'm never letting it happen. Not ever again." He held her tightly.
"Thanks dad." He kisses her forehead again.
"I'm going to order some pizza and ice cream to lessen the tense and celebrate you coming back home."
Carrie loved both those things but needed some time alone.
"Sounds good but I think I'm going to take a nap. Is that okay?" He looked disappointed but recovered & nodded. "Of course sweetie, I love you."
"Love you too dad." She opened the curtain & went inside. She humorously closed the curtain. She sits back on the bed.
She sat there for a while.
Thinking about everything and nothing.
The same thought went replying in her head.
She's numb. She is numb.
She feels broken.
Even though she's out of that hell her father put her through, she still feels so heavy.
She wishes she was better- for her family.
She lays back on her bed and closes her eyes.
Sleep is the best distraction she can think of.
So that's what she does.
~ GOT IT FINISHED! Hope y'all liked it! Next chapter will be Carrie working through her seemingly endless numbness all while seeing some of her friends including her boyfriend... ~