Everyone's asleep but the baby, Miles and me.
I fed him and stayed up but he's still crying. Miles and I take turns to pace around with him and try to calm him down.
"What's wrong baby?" Miles whispers to our son as he carries him and walks around hoping that this time he will calm down.
"Let me try again," I say standing up, my yawn giving me away.
"You need to sleep love, you've done enough for today," he replies.
"And yet... this is something I have to do," I smile standing up.
He doesn't let me take the baby from his arms but he lets me try to help.
Out of instinct, I start singing my songcord, some parts are blurry for me, I'll have to see my songcord to remember but still, I sing.
The baby stirs a little but his cries start to fade, Miles's furrowed brows relax too.
He rocks the baby gently as I continue singing.
"Can I hold him for a while?" I ask. Miles gives him to me and we're very careful during the process.
I continue to sing again but this time I guess the baby can feel the vibrations from my body and that will relax him further.
I manage to put him to sleep and Miles makes a little fire outside our tent so it is warmer, then comes inside and helps me put the baby in his "crib".
Miles and I lay down, he's behind me and his arms wrap around me protectively, as always I take his hand and interlace his fingers with mine.
We whisper goodnight and hope that the baby will sleep for a few more hours.
The day is now upon us and with that, noise.
We wake up to the baby crying and I feed him.
"Calm down, Nakoa," I say as he eats.
Miles went out to bring more stuff for our tent and for us to have breakfast, sometime after he went Neytiri came to visit me and the baby and she instructed me on things like feeding him, cleaning him, being very gentle with him, and other things.
I'm kind of nervous about all the things that I have to do and take care of, but I'm hoping I'm a good mom and everything will be alright.
Miles comes back and he holds the baby, I tell him that he has to take the vest off and let his son rest skin to skin with him, without all those human things Miles looks more like someone from the clan.
My armband is still on his wrist, and his collar is around my neck. Both make us be with each other all the time.
I love watching him with our son, he's too gentle, and his eyes constantly look at him like he still can't believe this is real, pure love and admiration adorn his face.
I take my time to sort out some type of nook so Miles and I can rest there and be with the baby and we settle on taking a walk around the beach in a while.
I strap the baby around me how I was taught and Miles takes my hand, this is different from our last home, it's weird seeing this distribution and how everyone is not quite... themselves but, we are alive, we are here and that's what matters.
At this time most people are out fishing so it's calm, I notice Jake and Neytiri from afar, the kids are nowhere to be seen and that suddenly reminds me of someone else we haven't seen.
"Miles..." I say and stop walking.
I turn around and try to find my cousins, maybe just the young kids, but no. He's not here.
"What are you doing?" he asks confused.
"Where's Spider?" I ask in a hushed tone.
He processes it too and I see that he's trying to think about the last time he saw him, then starts turning around looking for him like I just did.
"Calm down," I begin to say but he starts running away.
"Miles!"
I can't run right now, I can't go after him. He starts shouting Spiders name and some people look at him like he is crazy, instead I walk to where my uncle is.
He's looking weirdly at Miles from a distance.
"What's his problem?" he asks me.
"Have you seen Spider?" I ask him. Jake makes the same realization face as we did and shake his head.
"No, I-I... he was with the kids right? yesterday?" he says.
I think about it and the last time I saw him was when Neytiri went to warn them not to do anything stupid.
"Yeah, I think so but... I don't remember seeing him here. On this island,"
"Spider!" I hear Miles shouting from afar.
"Please, help him look for him. I can't do it right now," I beg my uncle.
"Don't worry, keep calm okay? I'll go with him," Jake tells me squeezing my arm, I hiss and he apologizes.
He walks away and intercepts Miles and I see them talking.
I walk around looking for my family.
"Neytiri, have you seen Kiri?" I ask my aunt who was arranging some things on their tent.
"She went out with the other kids," she says.
"And Spider?" she frunces her mouth at the mention of his name, if only for a second.
"I don't think I've seen him," she says.
I murmur a curse Miles uses often and my aunt tells me not to talk like that but I can't help it, I'm stressed.
If he's not here then where is he?
"Aunt... I know you don't like him," She tilts her head and looks another way. "It's okay, but, please just... for Miles, can you help me look for him, please?" I tell her.
She sighs and rubs her forehead.
"Okay, I'm sure he's just hiding or something. Back home he liked staying at a distance, watching us from the trees like a spy," she says, her ears twitch a little.
"Well maybe he did that, right?"
"Let's hope he did," she says and walks out. She calls her Ikran and gets on it, then she flies away.
"Where's mommy going?" Tuk asks entering the tent, Neteyam is with her.
"Have you guys seen Spider?" I ask them.
They both think about it for a moment, Tuk is about to speak but then she sahkes her head.
"I think I last saw him when we were evacuating the other island," Neteyam says.
"Do you... do you think he's here? Did you see him get here?" I ask.
Neteyam shakes his head and immediately offers to help look for him and I warn him that they can't leave the beach. They can only look for him around here and if he's not then they have to come back to the tent.
Neytiri would kill me if her children got hurt in looking for him.
Nakoa starts crying and I have to hurry to our tent, he's not dirty so he must be hungry. I lay down and position him so he eats, this should be somehow relaxing but the many possibilities of what could've happen to Spider are stressing me out.
Later I'm pacing the tent as I gently rock Nakoa in my arms, the sounds of Ikrans wings catch my attention. I get out and see that Neytiri and Miles are back, Miles extends his arms to someone and Spider falls from the Ikran not wanting to touch him.
He gets up from the sand quickly and starts walking away.
"Spider!" Miles talks to him, his voice is firm and mad. I wonder what happened.
Neytiri just walks to Jake and they start talking, Jake nods to something she says and they part ways. Miles is going after Spider who is running away, Jake joins Miles too.
"Miles Socorro don't you take another fucking step!" Miles shouts at him, his tone sends a shiver through my spine and Spider stops walking too.
Jake looks to the ground and pats Miles in the back.
I decide that maybe they're not on the best mood to talk right now and I should do something so I start walking towards them, Nakoa is falling asleep in my arms.
"Spider!" I call to him, I try to smile but I'm really worried.
Now that I'm closer I notice that he's dirty and has a trail of blood on his leg.
"Oh my god, Spider, are you okay?" I ask getting closer.
"What do you care?!" He roars at me.
"Don't talk to her like that!" Miles warns him.
"Everyone, calm down," I say.
I walk besides Miles and he looks at our son, he sighs and rubs his forehead.
"What happened?" I ask him. Spider is a few steps far from us.
"We found him hiding in the jungle, pretty far inside," he says exasperated.
"Well but he's here and he's fine right?"
"I don't know, there's that thing on his leg, he won't let me see him," he says.
I notice from the corner of my eye that Spider is starting to walk away.
"Do you know why he went away? also... he's going,"
"Stop it!" Miles shouts at him.
"You don't need me to be here to talk about me, you don't need me at all!" he replies still walking away.
Miles clenches his jaw and I take his arm.
"Miles... he's not okay. He's just a child, he wants to be listened, not shout at okay? let me try to talk to him," I say.
"He's walking away," he complains.
"Love... even if he runs I just have to walk faster to get to him," I say with a soft smile. "Here, Nakoa wants to be with his father, I won't be gone for long," I say as I carefully take the baby and place it in his arms.
Miles still looks nervous as fuck when he touches him.
"He just ate so if he cries then maybe change him, if not, pace around," I instruct him. He nods at me and pulls me close to give my head a kiss before I go after Spider.
The kid has surprinsingly advanced some land but, I just walk a little faster and I get to him.
"Spider..." I say before I put my hand on his shoulder.
"Leave me alone, go take care of the baby," he says.
"I want to talk to you,"
"Go with your family," he replies not stopping.
I decide to walk in front of him so I'm on his way, he tries to avoid me but I hold him there with both my hands on his shoulders.
"Hey... I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry we didn't notice you weren't here," I say trying to look him in the eye.
"It's fine, no one wants me here anyways," he says with a dry laugh.
My shoulders slouch and I feel my ears press down sadly.
"Don't say that..."
"But it's true. I'm not one of you, I'm not like any of you, I'm just standing in your way,"
"You are part of our family,"
His hands make fists.
"Why are you making this so hard? Why can't you just leave me the fuck alone?" He tells me and pushes me away.
I wasn't expecting that so I stumble a little.
"Hey Spider!"
"I'm not your family! Jake and Neytiri and all your cousins are, Miles is your family and your baby is your family. I'm just a human boy that no one likes," He shouts.
"But Miles-"
"He's not my dad! He's not. I've seen it, He's nothing like the other guy and I'm nothing like him. Once again I'm not like any of you," he says.
I try to get close to him again, is good that he's talking.
"So you're saying that Kiri is not my cousin and she's not the sister of Neteyam, Tuk or Lo'ak?" I ask and he begins shaking his head.
"It's not the same,"
"Kiri is our family, regardless of Neytiri and Jake not being her biological parents," I insist.
"Just leave her out of this okay? It's not the same," he says.
"Spider... we can choose our family, it doesn't always comes from blood. You don't have to look like us to be our family," I tell him gently.
I see his mouth quiver and he doesn't know where to look, he pushes me away again and murmurs a leave me the fuck alone before walking away.
I sigh in defeat and hope that he doesn't get lost.
"Are you okay?" Jake asks me coming close.
"Of course I am just- can you try and talk to him?" I ask him.
"Will do," he nods and reaches out to squeeze my arm again but this time he remembers I'm injured.
He does it to the other arm and starts going towards Spider.
"So... was he nice to you?" Miles asks me once I'm back in our tent.
"Not at all," I say and he laughs a little, I laugh a little too.
"I just hope Nakoa didn't get your humor," I tease him and he rolls his eyes.
We sit down together and wait until something else happens.