Y/ns POV
Waking up the next morning next to Rafe was difficult. The moment I opened my eyes everything from last night came rushing back. Including the alcohol.
My head was sore and my eyes hurt. I learned that I have a tendency to clench my teeth while drunk so my whole face hurts.
I feel nauseous and uncomfortable and looking over at Rafe made it worse.
I wanted to be angry with him. I wanted to scream and hit him for being so selfish. For not thinking of me before snorting that first line. For not thinking of himself. For not thinking about any of the problems it could cause after he got his 30 minutes of bliss.
But at the same time I didn't even want to talk about it. I didn't want to bring it up. I wanted to pretend like it didn't happen. Go on like we have been.
But knowing how the drug effects him and other people I know, I know this isn't a one time thing.
Him getting clean was hard and you could tell. Hell Adrian was in rehab for like 4 months because he loved the shit so much.
The loud rain on the roof and thunder crackling now and then wasn't helping my head ache. It was like the weather knew how I felt.
Because how I felt inside is exactly what it looks like outside.
I sighed and stood up going to Rafes bathroom so I could shower.
I made sure to grab a towel, but I had to run outside for my bag with all my makeup and stuff.
Once I was back inside I caught Sarah hungover in the kitchen chugging a bottle of water.
"Sup." She lifted her hand waving happily clearly not have any recollection of what happened last night.
So I nodded her way and continued up the stairs. I wanted to be in the shower before Rafe woke up.
So that was straight where I headed. I turned the shower on as hot as I could with out burning myself and I stood there for what felt like hours. Just letting the water run down my body as I tried to figure out what to do next.
I felt like this was genuinely the first test of our relationship. Obviously I didn't want to leave him. But this is the kind of stuff that has more effect over time rather than instantly.
After standing there and finally accepting that there was no plan for what to do next, I started washing up.
I had to coast. I had to play it by ear before I made the decision to even bring it up.
I needed to see his reaction to things. To see if the alcohol made him forget enough to not know he did coke.
I knew he knew. He had to.
By the time I was done in the shower, I heard rustling in the room.
I took my time, brushing my hair, washing my face, brushing my teeth. It took me about 20 more minutes than it normally would to get ready by the time I was done.
I cleaned up all my stuff still wrapped in a towel before going back to the room.
As soon as I walked out Rafe was next to me. I could see the guilt all over him. In his face and the way his lip quivered like he wanted to say something. The way he rocked back and forth as if he was a toddler getting scolded.
I looked up at him and that just made him faulted more.
Rafes POV
I saw the dark circles under her eyes and an unknowing look behind them.
I'd never been the reason for her pain. Not emotionally or physically.
But seeing the draining look on her face made me realize times ten that I'd fucked up. Badly.
On top of that I was already starting to feel withdrawals again. I was sweating all over and my hands refused to stop moving. I also had jabber jaw like a bitch.
I heard her sighed which broke me from my thoughts. She moved around me and stuffed her dress in the hamper while shoving her makeup bag under my desk were she normally kept it. She got dressed not glancing back until she was finished.
I watched her every move and she turned back to face me. Desperate for me to say something. She didn't want to be the one to talk first. And I totally understood that.
"Are you just gonna keep staring at me looking lost or are you going to say anything about what happened last night?" She sighed clearly trying to hold her temper. Then my dumbass said-
"Your knuckles are bruised... why?"
"That's what your worried about?" I felt like a toddler being scolded by his mother. A knot formed in my throat as she looked at me with pure anger. Then sadness. Then confusion.
"Why now?" She asked.
"What do you mean-"
"I mean why now Rafe? Why did you all of a sudden change your mind about staying sober? This was the first party we went to separately so we could spend time with our friend with out each other being there! The minute I wasn't next to you you did a line! And then another, and then some more!" You spoke, pausing to give me a chance to justify myself.
"Did you think at all before you did it? Because I can see now that last night wasn't gonna be the last. Not for a long time at least. Your already pacing back and forth like and scratching at your neck and your arms like a fucking psycho! Like a drug addict Rafe! What about me? Huh?! Did you even think about how I'd feel about it? Do you know what kind of position you e put me in?" She flailed her arms trying to get her point across.
"When we first started hanging out, I never judged you for how you coped. Because I could see in your eyes that you were falling, fast. I could see that you needed someone to be there for you rather than criticize you and make you feel like shit. The night after that party when you opened up to me for the first time I was dumbfounded. Because when you live like I have all you see is a preppy rich asshole who thinks he's better than everyone. But I still need er judged you. I never stereotyped you and I always had your back. You got clean because you wanted to. Then I fell in love with you. You made me fall in love with you but you couldn't think for one second what even one line could to fuck this up. Fuck us up." Tears we're running down your face only causing me to feel more guilty.
"What's worse is that you knew it was wrong. You knew I wouldn't like it and you knew it could fuck things up. Because the minute you saw me you were apologizing and trying to justify it as if I didn't just watch deliberately snort a line just out in the open because it's just so fucking awesome... I understand you have an addiction. I understand that even that your clean you still get temptations. But you couldn't even resist once. I just. I love you so fucking much Rafe, and I want to be with you. Matter of fact I need to be with you. I have lived and breathed you since I've come back. You made me comfortable and were my only friend when I had no one else. But you can't do this kind of stuff to me. And I'm not gonna watch you throw your life away. So you tell me what's next? Where do we go from here?" You sniffled crossing your arms.
"Wait you've actually thought of leaving me?" I pang hit my chest as I came to the realization that that's what your saying. And that it's all up to me.
"No Rafe, I haven't. I'm not leaving you. I love you ok? But it's your choice on whether or not your gonna push me away. Because if you cared you would have thought twice about snorting more. Look, I need to go home. I need to clear my head and I need to lay in my bed. I need a moment away from you can you please accept that?" You said coming closer to me still trying to hold tears back.
"Of course." I swallowed. I was still stood there awkwardly.
"That doesn't mean you don't have to hug and kiss me." She sniffled very serious but once she was in my embrace I couldn't help but smile. I held her tight and she held me tighter.
I could hear her taking deep breaths not wanting to break down, but I felt her shoulder shake as she started to sob. I pulled her closer to me and I sat on the bed pulling her into my lap.
"I don't don't want to watch you kill yourself Rafe. I love you to much to let that happen." She sobbed out as I let tears slip of my own.
I hated seeing her this way. Even more because I was the cause of it.
She calmed herself as I rubbed my hands up and down her back I kept whispering "I'm sorry" in her ear.
She took a deep breath and pulled away making eye contact with me.
"But I will kill you. That's how much I love you." I looked at her confused and she just shook her head.
I kept a firm grip on her thighs as her hands cupped my face and she pulled me in for a kiss.
Her lips were as soft and pillowy as always. Only now I started salty tears in between. I allowed my hand to move up and weave itself through her hair.
She sighed contently before shutting off all emotion and pulling away.
"I love you ok? I'll call you tomorrow." She said forcing me to let go as she shoved my hands off and got up.
She grabbed her makeup bag and left. With out another word. I heard her and Sarah downstairs. Y/n asked her for a ride and of course she agreed seeing her in such a state.
Sure as shit the moment Sarah came back she was bursting through me door as I cleaned up my room trying to occupy my mind with something other than drugs and Y/n.
"You fucking relapsed?" She asked.
"Look Sarah I already feel like shit about it ok I don't need to hear it from you to." I sighed.
"Good. Because Y/n don't cry. Like ever. It seriously are you ok?" She said as I turned and was bombarded with a hug.
That's new.
I hesitantly wrapped my arms around her as she held onto me.
"I fucking hate you." I mumbled.
"I hate you to." Sarah sighed.
All of a sudden she pulled away and her hand went straight a crossed my face.
"That was for making Y/n cry and for relapsing." She said nothing more and walked out the door.
I felt heat prickle my body as I tugged at my hair.
"Why does this have to be so difficult?" I groaned sitting in my bed.
I rocked back and forth trying to find my next move when I pulled my phone out.
I scrolled on snap and insta just anything to keep my mind away from drugs.
Then Barry's contact popped up...
"You I heard about last night. Figured you'd be down to try my new stuff now." The text read.
Next thing I know I was high on the porch of Barry's house already thinking about how much Y/n was going to hate me...