*Katniss's POV*
I gasp as I wake up. It's all white around me and it's like I can't feel my arms. I start panicking, trying to struggle out of the cords that surround me, but I see a tall figure move towards me.
"You're alright, Katniss. You won't be able to feel your arms, they're numb from the stitches." Peeta says in a soothing voice. I look around rapidly and try to sit up. I feel his hands guide me back down as he sits on the edge of my hospital bed. "You'll be okay, darling."
"I—" I scratch out of my throat. "I don't remember what happened." I say quietly. He gives me a look then glances out the window.
"You died." He mumbles. "You really died."
I died?
How?
When?
I have so many questions. I search his face for answers and he sighs.
"I was getting a canvas and paint for Rye, he wanted to paint you a picture. I went into the art room to grab the supplies when I noticed he was gone. I thought he had left to use the bathroom. All of a sudden, I heard this ear-piercing scream. I thought that maybe he had fell or something. I rushed up the stairs and found all the doors closed except ours, which I heard you close earlier, so I knew it was something with you. I walked in to find Rye crying on the floor and his hands on your forehead—which was resting on the edge of the bed. I turned and saw blood everywhere." He pauses, and I can see the tears forming in his eyes.
Oh.
Oh.
"Rye was hysterical; asking me why you wouldn't wake up. And then I saw it; I never had thought about it. I knew you kept it in there to feel safe, incase someone had came in throughout the night. I felt guilty for not thinking about it. I felt like it was all my fault because I set you off that morning. I blamed myself, thinking that maybe if I hadn't of said that one word, that you might have been alive." His face shows a look I've never seen before. It's horrifying. "You died in my arms, Katniss." He turns away and I hear him sniff. He looks down and I watch as the tear rolls of his face.
"I—," he pauses and wipes another tear. "I told Rye to grab some towels from the bathroom but he wouldn't leave your side. He stayed there, rubbing your forehead like you always do to him while he is sick. I had asked him to try and hold your arms up while I ran and grabbed the towels. I came back and tried to stop the bleeding but there was just so much. I left Rye there and called Haymitch, begging him to come over here and to be quick at it. He hesitated at first but once I mentioned your name he was there within a minute. He was horrified. He went downstairs and called Paylor, asking her to send the aircraft. He had me stay home while the medics took you away. He knew I was upset, and waited with me until Willow got home. Willow and Flynn were," he stops and looks down.
"I told them you were in the hospital and they begged to come see you. I told them it was too early and we needed word before they could come. They haven't been the same since you left."
I close my eyes to prevent the tears to flow down my face. But one by one, they seep out. "I'm so sorry." I sob before he puts his hand on mine. He begins to rub my hand while I cry. "I'm so sorry."
"Rye's been placed in therapy. I know you don't like the idea but it's what's best for him. He's only 6 yet he watched his mother die." He says quietly. I nod and breathe in deeply.
I think and sigh. "I've ruined him, haven't I? I've ruined all of them." Peeta just watches his thumb circle my hand.
"You haven't ruined them." He sighs and looks away from a moment. "They need you, Katniss. Every single one of those kids need you. They need you in their lives, not six feet under." He remarks.
Why did I do this? Why did I do this? Why did I do this?
I look down but a sudden knock on my door startles me. The doctor comes in and gestures for Peeta to speak with him. Peeta gets up and walks over to him. They talk for a moment and then Peeta leaves, and I'm left alone.
"Hello, Katniss." He says and sits in the chair next to my bed. I stare at him for a second before realizing.
"Dr. Aurelius," I remark. He smiles and nods, then looks at my charts. He sighs and looks back up at me.
"Katniss, do you have a reason for why you chose to do this?" He asks, looking at me softly. I nod my head and look towards the window.
"I had been fighting with Peeta and I couldn't take it anymore." I say, still watching the clouds move throughout the sky. "I felt bad, like I wasn't good enough. All he ever did was be nice to me and I couldn't reciprocate that."
"When you were transported in, we found multiple bruises and finger marks on your body. Was that from the fighting?" He asks pushing his glasses back on his face. I turn and shake my head quickly.
"No, he would never lay a finger on me—he never has." I reassure him. "He hasn't had an attack in years."
He nods while writing down on his notepad. I sigh and look down at my palms. I wish Peeta was here. I need him here. I can't be alone. I don't want to be alone anymore.
Dr. Aurelius asks me a few more questions, but I'm mostly preoccupied on where Peeta is. My answers are vague and I can sense that Dr. Aurelius knows it. He leaves the room and a few moments later Peeta comes back in. He sits down in the chair across the room and leans his head against his palm. He looks exhausted, and it's because of me.
"Why am I alive?" I ask quietly. What did I miraculously do wrong that saved my life?
"Rye found you took quick," he mutters with his eyes closed.
I nod and go back to picking at my nails. I know this is all my fault but as the day passes on, it's clear that nobody's mad at me. Nobody's yelled at me, just talked—which I appreciate. Not everyone wants to wake up after attempting that.
_
"When can I go home?" I ask, longing to be in my own house. I've been stuck in the same room for a few days and it's driving me insane.
"You can be discharged tomorrow morning, but there's some conditions you'll have to agree too. We don't take these types of situations softly." Dr. Aurelius mentions.
"I'll do anything to get out of here." I remark.
I don't want to be here, I can't even use the phone. I haven't spoken to anyone outside of the hospital since I've arrived. Although, Peeta has been in contact with the kids. He left to go back home and take care of the kids for a while, and then just arrived here yesterday. He told me that Willow hasn't been going to school—he said that she doesn't want to get out of bed. Rye is still struggling without me. It makes me feel horrible, because I did this. I caused all of this. I need to get home and make this right.
I watch as Peeta leaves the room to go organize all the details for me to be discharged. Just one more day. One more day and I'll be home for good. I won't pull a stunt like this again. I need to be there, I can't leave them again. I can't imagine what the press is like, all the articles being written about me.
"Katniss," Peeta says walking into the room. I look up and he avoids eye contact. "The hospital's allowing you to leave today if you want to."
I hop out of the bed and nod. "How fast can we get out of here?" I smile. He looks at me and I raise my eyebrow. "What's wrong?" He hesitates at first but shakes his head.
"Nothing, let's just go." He smiles carefully. I glance at him but he turns around and starts to help me pack my things, which amounts to very little. Peeta is distant with me, he hasn't touched me or came close to me since I arrived here. He only held my hand when I woke up and cried, nothing more after that.
I struggle to put my shirt on. My arms are still a bit sore, even with all the medication in me. I look over and watch as he pays small attention to me.
"Could you help me?" I ask quietly. He glances over but proceeds to come to me. I hand him the shirt and he slides it over my head, then cautiously over my arms.
"Does it feel okay?" He asks stepping away.
"Fine," I say quietly. He nods and turns back to what he was doing.
What did I do wrong? I don't understand. He's never cold with me, he's the only person that understands me. I wait on the bed until he's done and he gestures for me to get up. I follow him out the door and I pause as I reach the doorway. I look back and shutter—remembering when I first woke up. That story will haunt me for evermore.
"Are you coming?" A voice echoes through my head and I quickly turn around. Peeta stands there waiting for me.
"Yeah, sorry." I say closing the door behind me. I catch up to him and we walk to the main entrance. Once we reach the door we're lead to the train.
Just a few hours and I'll see them, just a few hours.
_
"You have to eat something, darling." He says while setting a plate down in our room. I shake my head and sulk back on the bed.
"I'm really not hungry." I ring. "I don't have an appetite. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I can't." He looks me up and down then shrugs.
"Forget it," he remarks while walking out the room. I start to interject but eventually let him walk off.
I swear I'm not pulling anything, I just can't force myself to act famished. All this medication makes me nauseous as is. I just wish he could grasp that concept.
I sit in bed for a few moments but decide to get up. I walk around the empty train car until I reach the end, where I find Peeta. He's painting the sunset—as usual. I slowly approach him and sit down beside him. He acknowledges me but doesn't speak, which I don't mind. I lean my head on his shoulder and he continues focusing on the canvas. The view is amazing.
Being with him like this reminds me of that day, the day where I did something unforgivable. How could I be so naive in thinking he could forgive me? Treat me the same? He's already started to push me away.
I feel sick to my stomach.
It hits me, the sadness and remorse for what I've done.
"Peeta, I'm so sorry." I start, before a sob breaks out. "I'm so sorry." He quickly turns his head and sets his brush down.
"Woah, woah," he starts and brings me close. "Katniss, darling, it's okay. Everything's okay." He comforts me but I can't help the tears falling down my cheeks.
"This is all my fault and I—I don't know how to fix it." I manage to huff out in between cries.
"Darling, you've done nothing wrong. If anyone went through half as much as you went through they would've done the exact same thing. Everyone's forgiven you yet you can't wrap your head around it. You need to forgive yourself." I bury my face in his chest and he holds me tightly. "Everything's going to be alright."
His voices echoes through my head, racing around like a tornado. "I can't make this alright." I cry. He hushes me and I feel his hand circle my lower back.
"There's nothing for you to fix and nothing for you to mess up." I take sharp breaths and he sighs. "Please calm down, you're gonna make yourself sick." He whispers to me. I take my face off of his chest—but still keeping close. He gently brushes the hair off my face. I look at him pathetically and he laughs, wiping the tears trickling down my face. "You're gonna be okay." He says looking at me.
"I hope so." I say quietly, and he smiles softly.
He pulls me back towards him and I lean on his shoulder. He keeps one arm around my waist while the other picks the paintbrush back up. I watch as he continues to replicate the sunset, adding even the smallest details some wouldn't notice. After all these years of watching him, I've learned to pick up on some.
But some get looked over, and they get ignored. Until finally, they stop showing up at all. I don't want my kids to feel like they're the details getting overlooked, because in reality, they're some of the reasons I'm still here.
_
When we arrive in 12 it's well into the night time. I step off the train and take in the fresh air. It stings my nose as I breathe in deeply. Peeta follows me down the steps and we make our way towards home.
I gaze at the town lit up. It's beautiful—all of the shops that were never here in the past. It looks like a miniature version of the capital, which is a bittersweet memory. As we walk through, I realize how nervous I am to go home. Will Rye and Willow even be happy to see me?
I'm startled by Peeta grabbing my hand. "Don't listen to what the reporters have to say, just ignore them when we walk through." He says quietly. I nod and look ahead to see a crowd near the exit of the hob and near the entrance of the victor's village. They must've been waiting for my arrival.
"Katniss, why did you cheat on Peeta?" A woman asks while shoving a microphone into my face.
"I—" I look over towards her when another guy catches my attention.
"Peeta, how does it feel to raise your kids alone?" He says. I pause and look at the guy in shock.
"Ignore them." Peeta whispers in my ear and pulls me along. I walk quickly to catch up to him but I turn and look back a few times more. Once we're inside of the gate I freeze.
"I had no clue, I didn't think about—" I stutter with tears in my eyes. Peeta turns to me and brings me towards him. He turns his body towards the flashing lights and shields my face with his back.
"Don't listen to them. I didn't raise them by myself, it was a week and Haymitch helped me the entire time. A short amount of time doesn't decipher a whole lifetime. And you know you didn't 'cheat', Katniss." He lifts my chin up with his hand and wipes away a stray tear. I begin to speak but he shakes his head and cuts me off. "Let's go home, it's been a while." He jokes and I smile softly.
We walk back to the house and as we enter through the door, my breathing increases rapidly.
It'll be fine. It'll be fine. It'll be fine.
I quietly step in and I look around. The house is quiet, no movement. Suddenly I hear a thud. I walk through the corridor and peer into the living room to find Haymitch asleep in a rocking chair. I chuckle softly at the sight when I feel hands around my waist. I turn around to find Rye hugging me from below. Behind him is Willow, who is staring at me.
I gasp softly at the sight of both of them. "Mama," Rye exclaims and I kneel down to his level. I embrace him and close my eyes.
"I've missed you both so much." I whisper while reluctantly letting go. I look up to Willow and she has tears in the bottom of her eyelids.
"Mom." She says while standing towards me. She's changed so much in the short time I've been away.
"Willow," I remark, "you've gotten so big." She lets a tear a tear fall slowly down her face then she turns away.
I watch as she turns to Peeta, gestures towards him, and begins to move away. I feel the tears form in my eyes and I watch as she nods at me then paces up the steps. I track her with my eyes as she steps upon the last step before turning towards her bedroom. I turn back to Rye and give a sad smile while blinking back my tears. He hugs me one last time before heading up the stairs as well.
I bring my knees to my chest and look at the floor. I feel a hand on my shoulder and find Peeta above me.
"It'll be alright. I'm sure they're just shocked to see you." He says quietly and I bury my head in my knees.
How can all of the love and emotion that was once present in this home be gone, forever barren and cold? How can the place I've longed to be in feel like a prison?