"Breathe... slowly in, slowly out," Miles says, my back rests against his chest and his voice reverberates through me.
I try to breathe as he says.
"What are you feeling?"
"A pain in my belly... like, like I've been punched," I try to explain.
He feels my belly with his hands.
"Does it hurt?"
"No," I exhale.
The pain is more like something from the inside.
"Are you bleeding?" he asks.
My hand trembles as I reach down and in between my legs, I may not be trained in the art of helping women give birth but one thing I know is that pain and blood before the cycle is completed is never something good.
I start crying before I can reach down.
"Anatuat, breathe, breathe okay? Come on, you can check or if you're scared I can do it if you want," he says. He's trying to mask the fear in his voice but I know him better now.
I take a very deep breath and then reach down, it feels dry and when I look at my hand there's nothing.
We both sigh.
"That has to be good right?" I ask.
"I hope. Please, try to calm down, keep breathing with me." Miles says and his hands gently rub my arms.
I feel protected here with my back to his chest and his arms around me until I remember that right now is not his shift and anyone could come looking for him.
"Miles, what if someone comes? We can't-"
"I don't fucking care. Let them come," he says and his arms tighten a little around me.
After a while, I feel the pain decreasing and there's still no blood.
"I think we're okay now," I say in a more calmed voice.
"Are you sure?"
"Let me try to stand up," he still offers me his hand for support and I take it.
I'm able to stand and the only discomfort I really feel is from sitting down for such a long time.
Miles looks me up and down, making sure nothing's wrong.
"I think we're okay now," I say again and grab his hand so he stops pacing.
"I was too fucking scared," he says in a raspy voice and his eyes are bright with tears he refuses to let out.
I don't say anything as I pull him to me for a hug, his hands wrap firmly around me.
"Do you think the baby is fine?" he whispers.
I'd like to think that as a mother I'll know if there was something wrong with my body or my baby, but right now I feel okay.
"Our baby is strong," I reply.
He shakes his head.
"I'm gonna get you out of here soon," he says. "The pain you felt was probably due to too much stress. I told you to please not be there," he leans back a little to look at me.
"So now it's my fault that murder upsets me?" I ask defensively.
"No, no! I'm not saying that-" his hands go to his head and he sighs.
"Just be careful okay? I knew that would upset you and then the killing of the baby... every part of this was cruel," he says, his upper lip raised with disgust.
"I hope they all die," I say.
He says nothing else but hugs me again.
The night comes and I just don't want to eat. I know I should but I just can't and I can't be near that people again. I stay here, waiting for Miles to come for his night shift so I can at least feel a little more relaxed again.
"Come on, I brought you some dinner," he says sitting down next to me at the edge of the platform.
"I'm not hungry,"
"Anat-"
"Don't tell me to eat for the baby!"
"I was going to say that if anything happens and you haven't eaten all day you won't have the strength to do anything," he says patiently.
I sigh and cross my legs.
"Fine," I whisper after a while and Miles hands me a plate with fish and some cereal.
After I eat he offers me to sleep on his lap and he'll later take me to my room.
"What if someone comes?"
"I asked Spider to look out, he knew you needed to be more... calm," he says.
I just nod. It's been a long, scary, and tiring day.
I rest my head on Miles's lap and relax as he gently rubs my arm up and down.
"Just try to rest, even if you can't fully sleep. I'll be here protecting you, okay?" He says and I nod, then look for his hand with mine and interlace them.
As he said I'm not exactly able to fall asleep but the tiredness from the day makes my eyelids heavy.
"I'll keep you safe," I hear him murmur as he rubs my hand, it gives me enough confidence to try and relax.
I don't know how long it is, but I guess I managed to fall asleep because I open my eyes to Spider saying something to Miles as he holds me in his arms, we're on the stairs that lead to the rooms.
"I tried but the microphone doesn't work anymore," I hear Spider say.
"Fuck, then we have no other way for reaching Sully until he comes and wants revenge for what happened," Miles answers.
He feels me move a little and gently rocks me in his arms.
"Is she okay?" Spider asks.
"I'm fine," I whisper. Miles looks down at me, he hadn't noticed I'm awake.
"I was taking you to your room," he explains and I nod.
"What were you saying about Jake?" I ask. Spider and Miles turn to look at each other and my brows furrow.
"What-"
"He gave me your old microphone, we were trying to communicate with Jake, let him know about what's going on, and try to make a deal but... is useless. It's broken," Spider explains.
"And why didn't you tell me about this?" I ask Miles.
He slowly puts me down.
"Just, you weren't fine okay? Spider was okay and willing to try, so he did but... as you heard the kid, it was useless," he says.
I purse my lips and cross my arms.
"Fine,"
Miles sighs.
"If Jake had answered then I would have given you your microphone back," Spider explains.
"It's fine, kid," I tell him.
We're all just standing there. Miles is looking at me, Spider looks at him and I look to the ground as a million ideas cross my mind.
"Do you have my bow and axe?" I turn to Miles.
His ears twitch nervously and he looks at Spider, when Spider furrows his brows he looks again back at me. He's alone in this.
"Please tell me you do..."
"Yeah, yeah, but... I can't give them to you" he says biting his lip nervously, he rarely does it but I've noticed that he pinches his lip between his fangs, like he's amazed at having them.
Then I remember he is amazed at having them. I come out of my stupor.
"Why not?"
"I can't give them to you right now, there's no reason and they're gonna notice that your weapons are missing and you're carrying them around," he says.
"But... Miles, if they come and attack us... because they probably will, whether is Jake or another tribe, what do you expect me to do?" I ask.
"Are you going to kill the Na'vi?!" Spider asks in shock.
"No! if something like that happens then it'll be time to kill everyone on this ship," I explain.
Miles purses his lips for a second.
"What?" I ask.
"Nothing, just... if you really think that that would be the best time to act... I'm not so sure,"
"Oh come on, you can explain to me all your soldier reasoning but I need my weapons," I say.
"If anyone comes... I'll give them to you," he says and I squint at him, my tail slashing a little.
"Fine," I whisper.
"Well guys... I'm going to sleep," Spider says wanting out.
I just nod and Miles tells him to rest well to which Spider rolls his eyes.
Once again, he is trying to be the father he says he's not.
I'm not in the mood for debating or talking about it so I just say goodbye to him.
"If you feel bad at any moment, you call for me okay? And I promise that when the time is right I'll give you your weapons," he says taking my hand.
I sigh.
"Okay," I give his hand a squeeze so he knows we're okay but he stops me again.
"Don't forget this," he says handing me his military jacket.
"Thanks," I murmur and hold it to my chest, this time I can go to my room.
Once inside I rest against the wall, I feel like something bad is going to happen and similar to what Miles said... if it was just me then I'll be more calm to fight and react, but right now... I can't.
I worry about him, no matter how strong, agile and intelligent he is... there's always something that can go wrong. And the baby... I have to be extra careful, even tho I know it's strong, I can't put myself at so much risk.
I murmur a prayer to Eywa and decide to lie down, maybe I won't sleep again but I can rest.
------------------------
I put on my jacket like every morning now before I head to the tables near the control room for breakfast.
Do I want to eat? no.
I'll go crazy if I just sit down all day? yes.
So I come here if only to hate on the soldiers and the food and their stupid screens and machines. Not a good way to spend my time but I can't do much else around here.
Today's breakfast is a blob of something brown and my stomach just can't hold it in, so I run out of there before I throw up.
When I get to the deck and rest against the railing the sea gets me dizzy and I end up throwing up anyways.
"I want to go home..." I murmur in a sad tone as my head is still down and I close my eyes trying to control my nausea.
"Are you okay?" Spider asks coming out of nowhere.
I hiss in reaction and take a few steps back. He holds up his hands to show me that everything's fine.
"Sorry,"
"It's okay," he says.
"I'm fine it's just... the breakfast made me throw up,"
"Yeah... it wasn't that great," he agrees.
"Don't you miss our food?" I rest against the railing again, this time calmer.
"Every day," he says and I smile.
"I can't wait to find Jake, kill everyone on this ship, and then kill all the other people from the sky," I say.
I'm not really scared of anyone hearing us, their Na'vi is not enough to understand a fluid conversation.
"Aren't you a little worried that they're all soldiers, and you want to turn your back on them?" Spider asks.
"I've never been on their side," I argue. He opens his mouth but shuts up.
"Do you think I've sided with them?" I ask a little outraged.
He doesn't get the chance to answer when the hunter comes out and starts shouting orders.
"Come on, come on, we can't waste so much good luck!" he says snapping his fingers so people hurry up.
"Oh no," Spider murmurs.
"What are they doing?"
"They found another Tulkun," he says.
I can't see any so I don't know what they'll be running after.
"They probably saw it on the radar and shot a tracker at him," he explains to me.
"But- but... they can't do this, they've already killed two of them," I say my hand going to my belly instinctively.
Spider just shakes his head.
The hunter's team is running around as they get into position. Miles is not going with them this time but he is giving orders too.
"Anatuat, why don't we go to the back? or to your room?" Spider offers.
"I don't want to go," I say, my ears flat against my head.
"Come on, is not good for you," he says and I hiss.
I won't let them get away with this.
I start walking towards the hunter and Spider tries to go after me.
"Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?" I ask him. He turns to look at me because my shadow appears over him.
"Oh right, you're the true native," he says.
"Don't you think you've done enough killing?!" I ask again.
"I think I can make even more money," he answers with a grin.
Bastard.
I reach out to him and he gets out a gun.
"Listen here you little shit-" I begin but someone grabs me and moves me to the side.
"What the hell do you two think you're doing?" Miles asks. He crosses his arms as he stands between us.
"Tell her to stay out of my business if she doesn't want to get shot," the hunter says and I hiss at him.
"If you dare get into that ship and kill another Tulkun-"
"What? what are you exactly going to do? may I remind you you're just a hostage on this boat? We give you food out of sympathy and you're not chained up as a courtesy," the hunter says and I take a step forward.
"Let me kill him!" I say to Miles in Na'vi, my fangs showing and my tail furiously moving around.
The hunter starts walking away and into a ship as Miles holds me tightly in place.
"Stop!" he screams at me after a moment. The action is so alien to me that I freeze.
He sighs.
"Go with Spider, don't look at this again," he tells me and walks away.
The few soldiers that were still there look happy at me because Miles put me in my place and the hunter is still going out to hunt.
I'm angry at him, and Spider and the stupid hunter, and at everyone.
I scream in frustration and then disappear quickly on the low deck.
I think almost an hour goes by when Spider comes after me.
"Hi..." he tries talking to me.
"I don't want to know," I respond.
"No, I wasn't going to talk about that I- just wanted to know if you're okay,"
I sigh and cross my arms.
"I'm mad as hell," I answer honestly.
"Yeah... I could see that," he says and we both laugh a little.
"You don't know where they keep my weapons?" I ask him.
"Are you gonna kill the hunter?"
"Maybe," I say with a smirk.
Spider does not think I'm kidding, I have to ruffle his hair so he changes that panicked look on his face.
We're both a little more relaxed when we hear boots running.
"Everyone on deck!" Another soldier yells.
We turn to look at each other and go up the stairs.
"No way..." I whisper when I go up to find that my cousins are trapped on a net that's being lowered onto the deck.