My internal alarm clock wakes me. It is used to the working hours of the mountains. At first, I am a bit disoriented in the strange bed and unfamiliar room. The thumping headache doesn't help. When I roll over to find Sean lying beside me, my wits return.
We slept together.
But we didn't go all the way. He didn't enter me. Actually, he didn't even suggest it. We returned to the first time we met. Him lying on me and rubbing his dick against mine. Adding some lube from the bedside draw, he took us both in his hand and tugged away. His lips only left mine when one of us would let out a hushed moan, nibble the other's ear, or bite one another's neck. Almost in synchrony, we both shot our population juice as Sean pressed his forehead against mine. Getting lost in my former lover's eyes, and he searching mine for forgiveness and acceptance.
Though mutual masturbation may sound corny to some, it was more intimate than wrecking my hole with his cock would have been as our reunion sex. Especially since we were both drunk.
Even against my best intentions, here we are, beside each other in his bed. So similar to the many nights at college before the accident.
I take his slumbering self in with my eyes. Commit the image to memory.
To think, I was going to leave before any of this happened. Certain doom filled my soul last night when I saw him chase after Camille. To my surprise, he later returned he asked me to join him in his room for a private conversation.
He immediately apologized for putting me in an awkward position.
"But I have to be honest with you," Sean explained, not shying away from eye contact.
He went on, "I hooked up with Camille once at the beginning of the summer. I was drunk and lonely. After it happened, I told her that I wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship, but I'd enjoy being friends."
I repositioned myself on the bed to try to offset my uncomfortable feelings about the topic of conversation.
"Sean, you don't have to–" I started to say, but was cut off.
"No, Crawff. I do. I have to tell you I tried to get her to understand I was uninterested, every time she gets drunk she comes knocking on my door like a cat in heat. I fend her off if I have the energy or just ignore her altogether when I don't. I had no idea she would have been on the prowl tonight."
There was a long pause. I was not sure what to say, and apparently, he couldn't find the words either.
"She has been the only person I have been with since the accident," he almost murmured.
My heart flip-flopped.
"Okay, but you could have anyone. Why aren't you out there dating and sleeping around? You say you are lonely, why?"
"You're an idiot," he insulted me. "Because I have missed you, Crawff."
I felt my eyes widen and my pulse race.
It seemed as if these were the only words I needed to hear. Before I knew what I was doing, my lips were on his, pushing him backwards on the bed.
Sean must feel my eyes on him now, for he removes his arm that was draped across his eyes and looks over at me.
"Good morning, handsome," he compliments with a wink.
To hell with morning breath, I kiss him square on the lips.
We get to talking about the night and how it ended. The conversation turns into questions about life. Then into questions about us.
"Why did it take you so long to call me?" I ask, unsure if I want to hear the answer.
"I was scared. Scared of what you thought of me. Scared you wouldn't forgive me. Scared you hated me."
"Scared of what your parents would think if they heard you were hanging out with me again?" I remark without being able to hold back the snide tone.
"Truthfully. Yeah. Probably. I am not strong like you. I don't have your courage. But I know now you are worth it. It took me this long, but I can finally see it."
Whoa. A chord of my heart's memory is struck. I hear Sean's words but they sound like Jack's. I flashback to when he said almost the same thing to me in the kitchen.
"Come on, let's go make breakfast."
He takes my hand and doesn't let go, even as we walk into the kitchen and find Meg brewing some coffee. She turns and immediately sees that our hands are still interlocked.
"Bout. Damn. Time." she blurts.
"What?" Sean inquires, shaking his hand from mine.
"Oh, no need to hide it from me, honey," she replies.
He doesn't say anything, he just pushes by her and heads out to the balcony.
I can picture it in my mind...the pitcher winding up.
I open the door behind Sean and join him.
"What's up?" I ask, sliding my arm around his shoulder.
He goes rigid.
"What did you tell her?"
I let out an awkward laugh. "Nothing. She figured it out on her own."
"Well, if she knows, then everyone else probably knows." He doesn't look at me, his attention is on the newly rising sun on the eastern outskirts of town.
The pitcher releases a hard fastball and it goes blazing toward him.
"Yeah, they may," I respond truthfully. "But it doesn't matter. They are your friends."
He just shakes his head.
"Nah. This has to stay between us. We can't let people know. Not yet."
The baseball curves at the last second and Sean is left at the plate in the dust.
"Strike three," I tell myself.
"So we aren't going to do this? We aren't going to be together? We aren't going to let our friends and family know?"
He head whips to mine. His eyes suddenly fill with anger.
"I never said we were," he proclaims.
"I guess I just thought–"
"You thought wrong, Tyson." Tyson. Not Crawff. There is finality in his words.
Tucker peeks his head out onto the balcony.
"Are the boyfriends done having their secret meeting? Some of us would like to have breakfast."
Like a blur, Sean turns and pushes Tucker so hard that he stumbles back and falls over the ottoman. Then Sean marches off back to his bedroom.
"Dude, what the fuck. I was only kidding around," Tucker calls after his firey frat brother.
He looks to me for some explanation, but I just shrug my shoulders.
After a few minutes, I walk into Sean's room.
"I'm going to go," I tell Sean.
He hoists the pillow that is covering his head off and it flies across the room.
"Right, because that's fucking fair. Come here and completely destroy my life and then walk out."
Though I want to lash out at him, I sit down calmly, so he can get his feelings out.
"When we were together at school, you said I had to stop seeing women to be with you. Now that I am doing that, you add some new bullshit amendment to the damn rules. I don't get it. Why can't you just be happy being here with me? Seeing me like we did at school."
I just stare at him, alerting Sean that he is talking nonsense.
This isn't college. Not anymore.
"You really want to do that? Hide this, hide us, away from everyone. Keep us a secret from the world?" I ask with my passion starting to rise.
His nonresponse means yes. He looks at me with those same pleading eyes.
Jack is all I see now. His conversation with me earlier in the week. Our moment by the tub. Him telling me to come see Sean. He wanted to make sure this was all cleared up before he infringed upon me. He wanted me to test Sean to see the true colors of the situation.
I let out a real laugh because I finally find the whole situation hilarious.
"Sean," I start then pause. "I can't. I'm sorry. I just can't. I can't not be me anymore. I can't hide in the shadows of your room. I can't relive the mistakes of my past."
I can see a tear starting to form in the corner of his eye. It breaks my heart and makes the acids in my stomach boil, but I know I have to stand my ground.
"You said that I am strong. Damn it, this conversation is the hardest one I have had in my life to date. The last thing I want to do is lose the first man that I loved..."
Now tears run down both of our cheeks. I take his hands in mine.
"But I can't do it. I can't wait on the sideline and let my life pass me by. I have already lost my mother and I am as good as dead to my father. I have to start rewriting my story after the last chapter ended so terribly."
He nods slowly. Letting it all sink in. I can tell he is aware that this is how it has to be. A clean break.
"I hope you find what you are looking for in life. I hope you find the right man or woman when you are ready to give them your whole heart."
I get up and grab my bag. Sliding a pair of Bermudas on over the lounge shorts I am wearing, I make it clear I am leaving.
"I am going to go. I can grab a bus back to Ashville. I think it might be for the best. You can tell the others that something came up, or whatever you want. You can make me the bad guy if it helps."
He gives me a sad smile.
"Enjoy the rest of your weekend and the remainder of your last summer before the real world. I hope your school year goes well. I wish you the very best."
He nods, silently.
I bend down to him on the bed and give him a final sweet kiss on the lips. It is a bit salty from our tears. Without caring, he pulls me in and holds my face to his for just an extra moment.
"Happy birthday," I whisper. "Go live your life, bub."
And with that, I slip out the door.