~ TRIGGER WARNING - violence, sexual abuse & suicide. Probably the darkest chapter of the book ~
I hung up the phone.
I'm doing die, aren't I?
Judging by the look on my fathers face, I was done for.
At least I got to here some of my brothers voices again. I got to hear Owen and Eric- I was able to give Elliott a chance.
I might never know if it worked or not but I hope. I truly hope so.
And Benji...his sadness broke me.
I wished so badly to come home in that moment. I wanted to hold him in my arms. I want to be held by Hank or Eric or Owen or all of them.
I want to be home.
This wasn't my home.
My father wasn't my home. He never was- not after he touched me.
My father started walking over to the phone booth, I decided I'd meet him there and just be honest. That was the only good idea I had.
I was going to get hurt either way.
I stepped out and swallowed hard and didn't meet his eyes.
"I-"
"Don't speak. Don't look at me." His words went like they sliced my skin.
I do as he said. I shut my mouth and kept my eyes on his shoes.
"Go into the hotel room. Now."
I stepped around him and walked towards the door, I heard his footsteps right behind me. I went inside of the already open hotel door.
I looked to the bathroom door; it was kicked open, the lock was quite literally on its hinges. I saw that the mirror was smash in the middle, blood trickling down to the sink.
I managed to catch a quick peak at my fathers hand, they were bloody and cut up.
The whole room was destroyed; the bed was turned over and everything on tables were thrown off.
Jesus. I was gone for only 5ish minutes. And he's gone insane.
I'm not safe- not that I ever was.
"Sit down." A sudden hand on my shoulder made me flinch, I looked look up at by father, I was met with a hand to the face. It was hard and extremely quick. I fell backwards onto the bed and covered my face.
"I TOLD YOU NOT TO LOOK AT ME!" He shouted.
"I'm sorry!" I whimpered. He grabbed my chin tightly, I made sure not to look at him as he snarled. "I SAID NOT TO SPEAK! Do not disobey me again."
I nodded and he let me go.
"We're leaving- God knows who you fucking called. Probably that boy- to warn him. Either way they can track the number. Get your ass in my car right. The. Fuck. Now."
He pushed me to the back door and kicked me out, I headed for his car and got inside. I was shaking- like a damn cold puppy- the whole time.
Ten minutes later my father came outside with a few bags of his stuff. He stuffed them in his trunk and got in the drivers seat.
He started the car and drove wildly outta the parking lot and into the road.
He was quiet for a long while.
We got onto the highway and I awkwardly shifted in my seat. At least he wasn't hitting me. I was glad for that.
I can't believe I'm back to this- I'm only not scared when I'm not getting hit (even then I am scared all the time). All I feel is pain and fear.
"We're going to another hotel, it's about 20 miles out west." I nodded.
I kept my eyes on the dashboard, I saw his big hand come into my sideview, he placed it on my thigh and started moving it up.
I wretched my body away, basically plastering my body against the window. He managed to gripped my thigh and pull me back.
"You put me in a tight spot- not one I wanted to be in." He squeezed my thigh and slapped the tensed skin, before letting go. "So you'll going to make up for it."
I nodded my head. I couldn't let this happen.
He's going to do what he did before...but he will be successful this time.
I can't get out of this.
The next forty minutes were in tense silence, only broken by the occasional ramblings of my father. I kept my head down low and my hands in my lap, I was digging my fingernails in my palms- I was that nervous.
Forty minutes later, we pulled into a random motel parking lot. He parked in the back and got out. My father looked sternly at me.
"Don't fucking move." He slammed the door shut.
I stay put as I watched him disappear into the lobby area. He took a few minutes before reappearing with a key and a grimace on his face.
"Get out." I did, slowly- that wasn't good enough for my father though. He went it to the passenger seat and grabbed my wrist tightly.
"I said get out!" He pulled me out of the car and took me to one of the rooms.
"Stop being a limp piece of shit and do as I say." He unlocked the motel door and threw me onto the floor with a thud.
I dragged myself away from the door and into a corner, I brought my knees up to my face & buried myself in them.
I didn't move or look up for a while; I heard my father bring things into the room, I heard him cuss and rant and- eventfully- I heard him slam the door shut with a bang.
Then it was silent again- dead silent.
It was the kind where I knew when it was broken- all hell would break loose.
"All I've done is be a good father, all I've done is love you. All I asked of you is do as I say and we'll be just fine. But all you've done is disobey me, you've been a fucking brat."
I don't move, I don't say anything.
"I've been Mr. Nice Dad for long enough. I've been too easy on you, that'll change now."
I don't move, I don't say anything.
"For now on, you will not speak or look at me unless I say so. You will not leave my sight- wether you're in the bathroom or changing. You understand?"
I don't move, I don't say anything.
"I asked if you understand! DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND?!"
I don't move, I do-
A hard kick gets me scrambling up & away from him. It's too late however, he grabbed me and moved his face inches away from mine.
I don't look at me, as per his request.
I can feel his breath on my neck though, as he asked again. "Do you understand?"
I nodded slightly.
"DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!" He shouted, I nodded even more violently.
"SPEAK NOW!"
"YES! YES! YES I DO."
He smacked me again. "I only needed one yes."
I hold my cheek where he hit me and stumble back to the bed.
"Get the fuck up and follow me." I do.
He guided me to the bathroom where he has a robe and towels on the stand, he had medical supplies on the sink.
"Here's what your going to do. Your going to shower off any blood or dirt on your body then you will sit on this toilet and you will let me clean your wounds. We will get to after when we get there. Yes?"
I nodded.
He shut and locked the door- with both of us in the bathroom. He blocked the door with his big body & crossed his arms his arms.
"Get to it. Now." I turned to the shower and turned it on, after getting the water to a decently comfortable temperature, I turned back to him. Still not daring to look at him though.
He knew what I wanted. He knew what I needed. He wouldn't give it to me though.
"You don't shower with clothes on."
I shook my head rapidly.
He pushed off the door and came closer to me.
"Take them off."
I closed my eyes but the tears still started flowing.
"Take them off. Or I'll do it."
"T-turn around p-please." Another smack.
"Don't speak to me. Do as I say."
I turn around instead, I start to unclothe myself.
He was still only a few inches from me. I could feel his eyes on me, staring at my skin. I was disgusted with him- with all of this.
After it was all off, I stepped into the shower and made sure that the cover was closed completely. Still all I can think about is him watching me, him seeing my body. Him liking it.
I had a feeling something like this would happen. It was bound to happen. Still- a little part of me hoped my father wouldn't do this to me.
I grabbed the generic body wash bottle and started washing my skin- which is dirtied from a mix of being on the ground a lot & the fact I haven't showered in a week or so.
I soaked in the water and the nice smell of shampoo and conditioner for a long while, admittedly enjoying the feeling.
The first bit of actual peace I've had since I got in Jude's damn Honda.
Just as I was washing my hair of conditioner, I hear something. A throat clearing, my sight was bad from the liquid in my eyes but I tell it was close- and that it was my father.
I managed to wipe clean my eyes and see that the curtains were slightly opened. Thankfully I didn't see my fathers head poking in- perving on me- but still it meant he was looking.
A pit in my stomach opened then. Made it impossible to enjoy the rest of my shower- I kept looking over at the little peep spot. I prayed I wouldn't see his face- looking at me.
He didn't look again during the rest of the shower. I thank God for that.
I don't know what I'd do if he did. Something that I'd regret, that's for sure.
"What's taking so long? Finish up."
I turned the water off and poked my head out of the shower, my body still hidden. The towels weren't on the stand anymore- nope, they were in my fathers hand.
I swallowed hard- not liking this one bit.
I cautiously put a hand out for towel but he shook his head. "Come out, only then will I give you a towel." I looked at myself- I was naked. I was completely and utterly naked.
...and he wanted to see that.
I didn't want to risk another smack, or hell God forbid something worse, I did what I was told. I opened the curtains and stepped out of the shower.
I tried as best as I could to cover myself but I still felt super exposed. My arms stayed firmly over my chest area.
I tried to swipe the towel from him but he put it over his head and swung it around. "Go on, grab it!" This was a game to him, he was laughing at me.
One arm tried to keep my top half covered while my other hand kept on trying to steal the towel from him but it was no luck.
"P-please!" He used his free hand and grabbed my neck. "Don't speak."
My lip quivered and I looked at the towel. "Remove your hand and I'll give to you, I promise." I looked at the lone hand keeping my body covered.
I slowly lowered it and looked at the mirror, my reflection- his reflection.
This was the first time I got an actual good look at his face- it was in a permanent state of anger. He'd gotten angry at me the first few days- yes, but after he'd become 'nice' again and be 'Mr. Nice Dad' that wasn't the case anymore.
He was still angry now- in his reflection but he had something else written on his face.
Something a father wouldn't look at his daughter: it was lust.
He pressed the towel against me and wrapped it around me.
Now we're just in front of each other- I was waiting for him to make his move. And he did.
He gripped my elbow and sat me down on the toilet. He started cover cotton balls with rubbing alcohol & started applying it on the cuts he gave me.
He wrapped more bandages and wrapped my sliced arms again. "Still don't understand how you could do that to yourself."
I kept quiet- like he demanded me too.
"Tell me."
"I-I do that when I'm sad, to cope."
"Are you sad?"
I nodded. He shook his head.
"You shouldn't be."
"You liked when I was naked...that's sad."
He tightened the last bandage a little too tight and whispered. "That's enough talk outta you. Be quiet while I finish up."
He put bandaids where they needed to go and he did a nose check- I flinched as soon as he put his hands on it.
It was most certainly broken.
"Shit well, we'll get that fixed. Your just going to have to bare with it for now."
He finished cleaning my wounds, he wiped away the tears that started pouring down my face. "Why? Why are you crying?" It sounded almost kind- of his brand of kindness- a fake one.
"Because I'm scared and it hurts." The most honest I've been since I came here with my father.
He put his hand on my cheek then flicked me right on the forehead. "Suck it up." I buried my face in my hands and started to cry.
"I told you- I said no more Mr. Nice Dad. Now finish crying. It's time for you to make things up to me."
Oh God.
Whatever 'making things up to him' is has to be the most awful- disgusting shit I'll ever do.
Here it was, there's no avoiding it now.
I managed to stop the tears, I wiped the last ones away and nodded.
"Good. Now I'm doing to leave some stuff for you. I want you to fix yourself up real nice. You've looked a little rough lately and I need you perfect now."
He ran a hand through my knotted hair and shook his head. "You have 5 minutes." Then he stood up and left the bathroom, shutting the door.
When it shut the door, he added. "And don't even think about locking this door. You won't like what'll happen."
I don't like what's happening now. Whatever.
I slowly stood up, almost falling back a few times.
I went to the counter to see a hairbrush and makeup tools- oh goody.
There was also a bag filled with clothes.
I grabbed the brush first and started untangling my messy short hair, it took a minute but it was finally a bit more smooth.
It was in its natural curly state right now, it wasn't the best but it'll do. At least it wasn't tangled or better yet greasy anymore.
I looked at the makeup in pure confusion.
I didn't hate makeup per-say but I didn't wear it. Not because I'm against- or even for it- I just never really had the chance.
My foster homes were mostly comprised of not-so rich family or not-so nice ones. They didn't provide me it with or even really tell me about.
By the time I got to the Andersons, I heard about it (and was told to wear it and or try it) but didn't feel the need too.
Plus I wasn't going to ask Hank for it- not in a house full of boys. For some reason...that felt awkward.
So, standing here now in the motel bathroom, I had no idea how to put on eyeshadow or lipstick, any of it.
I stared at the containers like a deer in headlights and eventually gave up on most of it. I took one of the tubes of dark lipstick and sloppily put it on.
It didn't matter to me much how I looked. I didn't want my father to enjoy this- God no.
He didn't matter.
I went to the plastic bag next, it was filled to the brim with clothes. Very...revealing clothing.
I already knew what was going to happen- all the warning sides were there.
But now, looking at these clothes. I knew it- without a shadow of a doubt- he wanted to do things to me. Bad things. Things fathers shouldn't do their children ever.
I considered something then. Shattering the mirror and using one of the larger shards to cut open my wrist.
He might make it in time to stop me but he always might not. As long as I slit an artery, I'll die of blood loss. He won't take me to a hospital.
I could do it. Right now. Make it all stop.
Something stopped me though.
It could be a will to live- I don't know.
Maybe it's imagining the looks on the Andersons faces when they found out I died.
Hanks. Eric. Owen. Liam. Luke. Xander. Benji.
They'd all be effected. I couldn't bring them more pain.
This is all for them right? Yeah.
A knock on the door made me jump.
"The fuck is taking so long?" He opened the door slightly.
"Answer now!" He banged on the door.
"Sorry. Please give me one more minute."
He groaned. "Fine. Hurry the fuck up!" He slammed the door shut.
I looked at my clothing options and picked the one that would cover me up the most: it was short and pink and barely fit over my chest. I scavenged the bag for a pair of underwear- I was removed to find one.
I tried not to think about it as I opened the door and stepped out.
He was sitting on the end of the bed with barely any clothes on, boxers & a t-shirt. He was holding a wine bottle in his hand.
I couldn't see much. I still wouldn't look at his face. I could tell he wasn't looking at my face either- he was looking everywhere else but my face.
"Don't be a stranger, come here." I swallowed hard and walked till I was about a foot away. "Didn't I tell you to come here?"
I nodded.
"So come here baby." He patted the place next to me and I reluctantly sat down- I made sure to have some space between us. Apparently he's not going to let that fly.
He put his arm around me and tugged me against him. He moved his mouth to my ear- which I could smell the booze on his tongue- and laughed.
He pressed the open wine bottle against me and whispered. "Go ahead, have some. I'll allow it." I shook my head and he frowned. "Why?"
I shrugged. "I'm only sixteen." He nudged his face in my neck. "I won't tell." He whispered. "If you give me what I want that is."
"I don't wa-" he grabbed my chin, shutting me up. "I said no speaking. Did you forget the rules?" I stared straight ahead and shook my head.
"Good girl- now drink up." He put the bottles top to my mouth but I kept it firmly shut.
"The more you act out the harder this will be." He grabbed a fistful of my hair and dragged my head backwards. My mouth opened in shock and that's when he started pouring the dark purple liquid into my mouth.
I coughed and chocked but he didn't stop. I turned my head to the side and finally managed to get the drink to stop- it didn't stop my father though. Half of the bottle stained the bed and the very little amount of clothing I was wearing.
I was wet and sticky now.
Eventfully after emptying the bottle, he placed it on the nightstand and came back to me.
He squatted down to he eye level with me, I still didn't look directly at him.
"Your so beautiful, you know that?" I shrugged.
"You are." He cupped my face. "You used to look like your mother you know, back when you were my little girl. Now not so much."
He touched my hair. "You look like me now. With the black hair and the freckles. You still have your moms eyes though." He touched the area below my eyes & said.
"Look at me with your mothers eyes baby." I finally got a good look at my father. He was smiling wide and had a crazed look in his eyes.
He laughed and gave me a peck on the cheek. "You are so adorable my little one." He tapped my nose & I nearly gagged.
"I think your the prettiest thing in world." He pecked my forehead now. He picked up a bottle next to the bed- a beer can- and took a big swig.
"Mmm...man I missed this stuff."
"You shouldn't be drinking that. Your an alcoholic." I don't know what possessed me to say that.
I shouldn't have though.
He snarled and smacked me hard. "You don't get to tell me what to do! YOU DON'T GET TO SPEAK TO ME like that or at all!"
He threw me back on the bed, my head hit the bannister and landed on the bed. I let out a loud gasp and held my head where it hurt.
"You don't ever speak to me like that again. Don't catch me hearing that again." He propped himself onto the bed with on knee.
"Enough chit-chat and fun games, your going to be punished. Punished for all the wrong-doings you've done to me. I'm an amazing father and I'll make you an amazing daughter."
He bent over me, his huge frame trapping my body in between him and the bed.
"Your gonna be a good girl and take it, right?"
I shook my head rapidly and tried to wrap my arms around my body, to shield myself from his hands & what he's most likely going to do next.
His hands pulled at mine, eventually he was able to pry them off. "Don't cover yourself, I want to see all. All of you." I pushed against his stronger arms but to no avail.
"I'm your daughter." I mumbled.
"What'd you say?!"
"I said I'm your daughter!" I shouted. I started kicking and attempted to squirm out of his grip- but it was no use, his hold on me was just too tight.
"I'm your daughter! I'm your daughter!" He grasped my face and closed my mouth. "Shut the fuck up." I started hyperventilating.
"I don't care what you are, you've gotta pay. Now if you stop fighting back it'll go a lot easier. It'll hurt. It will but not as bad. Unless...Carrie your still a virgin aren't you?"
I slapped at his arm holding me down and he raised an eyebrow. "You are? Aren't you?"
I was. But that isn't something my father needs to know. And it's not ever something a father should take from his child.
My non-answer was apparently an answer to him.
"You aren't. You aren't?! Who- who took my little girls innocence?! Was it that Elliott boy?! I'll kill him! I'll kill him!" I raised my head to make our inches apart.
"I am virgin and I will remain one until I'm ready. But my innocence was taken- by you!" He scoffed. "Your little mind was filled with lies, I never-"
I threw a punch- not a very good one but I tried at least. He whirled back but still held his ground. His eyes filled with rage.
"Then what are you doing now?! Your going to rape me aren't you!" He tightened his grip on my neck & pressed me deeper on the bed.
His hand snaked on my body and to my bare thighs again, I squeezed them shut and started begging it to stop.
"P-please..."
"I'm punishing you, this is what you get. You'll have to live with it. I have no shame."
I felt him weasel his way in between my legs & pull them apart. "You should be ashamed. You think my mom would be proud? You think she's looking down at us right now and isn't wishing dead upon you, this isn't what she wanted."
He looked down. "She ain't here now, her thoughts don't matter."
"Don't I matter?"
He slid his hand up into it touch-
"Please, I'm s-scared!"
He smirked. "Shouldn't have disobeyed me!"
He started pulling my underwear down- I thought it was over for me. I thought it was the end- he's going to rape me.
Just then: ding.
It was his phone- it binged.
He looked over at the nightstand where it sat, he groaned loudly and leaned over to see how it was, after he groaned again.
"Damnit Jude."
He grabbed his phone and- still on top of me- held it and started typing a response to him.
This was it, my chance. Jude had indirectly given me this opportunity.
I kicked him hard in the nuts and he fell backwards onto the lower part of the bed. He scowled & came at me, grabbing and pulling.
He managed to grab my waist with both hands and haul me over the bed and onto the floor, during the scuffle, my arm knocked over the wine bottle sitting on the nightstand, it clattered to the floor and broke into many pieces.
My body landed on a few of the tinier pieces, they cut through my skin on my leg. It felt like needles poking me all over.
I whimpered and used the one good leg to stumble away, I stood carefully and watched as father stood as well. He didn't make a move towards me, he only looked at me with a lot of malice.
"Don't you touch me. Don't you ever touch me again you hear! You ain't my daddy!" My voice went a little more southern, that tends to happen when upset or angry.
"Now you list-"
"NO I'M SICK OF LISTENING TO YOU! FUCK YOU AND YOUR SELF RIGHTEOUS ASS!"
He looked ready for an attack but I thought fast as I could, I grabbed a piece of the broken bottle- it was the neck of the bottle that had a jagged edge that I pointed at him.
"Now put that down before you hurt yourself."
I shook my head. "For once- I'm not going to hurt myself. I'm going to hurt you."
He laughed...laughed at me. "No you aren't. Put it down and we'll talk."
"So now I can talk? Huh?!"
He sighed deeply. "Yes. Hand over the dagger and then we'll talk. Alright?"
I tightened my grip on the weapon, so hard my hand got cut and started bleeding.
"Here's what's gonna happen, your gonna either give the keys to your car or your phone and then you'll never see me again. I'm going home."
He scoffed. "I am your home."
"You aren't, you weren't, and you never will be. The Anderson's are my home. Your nothing but a rapist, I'm glad I was born but other than that- your nothing to me."
He rubbed his face and sighed. "Your stressed, your delusional right now. All you need is a nap and you'll feel better. Won't you?"
"I don't want a fucking nap, I want my dad. I want my brothe-"
"I am your father."
"That's just it. Your my father, not my dad. Hank is my dad. I'm proud to call him that."
He gritted his teeth. "I'm your everything. Don't you speak of them anymore."
"I'll say whatever I want. Now give me your phone or the keys. Your pick."
He sat on the bed and patted the place next to him. "Come sit." I shook my head. "Give me the phone or keys. Now."
He rolled his eyes. "Come sit here."
"Phone or keys?"
"Sit." He demanded.
"I WON'T ASK AGAIN!"
He takes his phone from the ground- it turned on but the whole screen was shattered. He taunted me with it. "You can have it if you sit down."
I wasn't so stupid that I'd believe me right away, I started cautiously walking towards him. When I'm next to him I slowly start reaching for it but he's just too fast.
He grabbed my armed hand and pressed me back in to the bed, he loomed over me and kneed me in my side.
I cried out in pain. "STAY THE FUCK BACK! NOW!" I started mindlessly slashing but none of the hits got very good results.
He got some superficial scratches but that's all.
"You're going pay." He started ripping at my clothes. He tore into the fabric and my fighting back didn't do much to help.
"Okay! Okay! I'll never do this again! I promise I'll be good for now on! Please I'll never leave your sight. I will be good! I promise you!" He stopped tearing at my clothes.
"Good girl. Oh I believe you. I hope this makes us reach an understa-" he noticed I was going for the phone.
He grabbed my face. "I WAS GIVING A CHANCE! I WAS GIVING YOU AN OUT! And you fail me. You're a poor excuse for a daughter!"
Coming from him?! That's rich.
He gripped the bloody part of my leg and I cringed in pain. "Now you aren't my daughter so I can do what I want with you."
He moved the sweaty black hair out of my face, he looked into my eyes. "I love you, Anna."
My mothers name.
He never loved me like a daughter- not since when my mom died, all he's seen me as since is the mini version of his wife.
He wishes I was her.
I'm not.
I'm supposed to be his daughter, the one he protects from all the pain and suffering of this world. In reality, that's all he's been giving me.
So when he moves in to kiss me, not on the cheek or on the forehead like a reasonable father, but on my mouth- I did the only thing I could.
I lifted the jagged edge into his throat and slit down far. His blood spattered all over the bed and all over my clothes.
He didn't move as he bled out. Just made the most gruesome strangling and gurgling sounds. My father stayed alive for a while, his eyes were wide & scared looking.
He managed to keep himself up for three minutes before he toppled down and landed on me. He still had a little fight left in him, he was twitching & had been able to say a few mumbled words.
His last breath was shaky then he stopped.
And I wanted to stop too.
I lugged him off of me and got him on the further side of the bed- face down.
I sat up and immediately felt dizzy. I collapsed onto the dirty floor, I tried- I really did. I wanted to get up and walk out of the motel room a better girl.
I couldn't. I couldn't move my limbs- maybe from the alcohol or maybe from the pain. Maybe both. All that I knew is that I'm tired. So so tired.
My eyelids felt heavy and I couldn't fight the wave of sleep kicking me in the face right now.
I eventually closed my eyes and just couldn't open them up again.
I don't remember what happened next.
Or maybe I do and I chose to forget it.
~ YOOOO HE DEAD! That doesn't mean the story is over oh HELLLLL noooo! We just got about 6ish chapters (at least) left for THIS book
Next chapter is an....ERIC POV!! ~