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I can hear the rain on the roof of this empty house....
That don’t bother me anymore.
I can feel tears in my eyes, now and then and just let them out...
I am not afraid to cry every once in a while.
Even though going on with you gone... still kills me.
There are days every now and again I pretend I am okay.
But that’s not what gets me...
Rain streams down the windows, a misty haze rising off the freezing pavement, filling the air with the chilly scent of wet concrete. Sitting on the window seat, I watch the water drops move down the panes, racing to an unknown end, searching for a new path to continue their arduous descent.
Heaving a sigh, I lean my forehead against the cool glass, the reflection of the tears rolling down my cheeks lost in the endless dark that settles over the late winter evening. It’s been three years since you left, three years of sheer fucking hell. I thought I would have run out of tears by now, but the simplest things still bring on a fresh onslaught.
A part of me always scared of loosing you, because... everything I ever wanted so desperately in my life, always have been snatched away from me. But, I tried to locked my fear away, a secret that I take out and examine daily, wondering what if. What if you haven't gone out that night... What if I had hold on to you and never let you walk out... Would any of it had made any difference ?? Would you have gone anyway ?? I had fooled myself into believing that if I had tried to... You might have listened to me.
I had preserve a piece of my heart. Instead, I have been left with endless questions and futile musings.
What hurts the most...
Is being so close...
And having so much to say...
And watching you walk away...
Only at night, when I can turn my back on the rest of the world, am I able to allow the grief free rein. By day, I put on a mask, a wry smile, pretending that I am strong, that I have let you go. I answer their questions, accept their platitudes, while the knifing, red hot pain tears through my chest. No one ever looks past the façade. If they did, they could see the pain in my eyes, pain so deep I am sure it’s burnt onto my soul.
I sat in the living room for hours after the final goodbye to you... that night, the stars retreating with the moon, a bright sun rising to mock the blackness that filled my world. You were my sun, the light to my existence. The tears didn’t come right away. I waited, certain, one day you would come back. But as the days progressed, the shadows creeping across the floor, the harsh realization of your absence washed over me. The rush of pain had me gasping, my hand pressing against my chest, where it felt like it had been ripped open, my heart following you, leaving a gaping wound nothing could fill. The dust motes, swirling in the last rays of daylight, blurred before my eyes when the tears finally came. I curled into a ball on the floor, sobs racking my body.
Then I saw it, its presence compounding my grief. The guitar I have gifted you. In a rage, with a roar of anguish, impotent tears still tracking through the grime on my face, I exploded. I swept my hand across its polished surface, the sheets of songs, you wrote for me, flying through the room, fluttering to the floor, discarded like I had discarded everything important. I swung it with relentless destruction, until, with my hands bloodied by the wires I had yanked from it, splinters from the shattered wood embedded in my fingers, I collapsed in the devastation I had wrought.
After hours of ignored phone calls, our friends found me in the disaster zone that had become my life. They had tended to my bruised and battered hands, cleaned up the destruction, forced me to eat, tried to make me go to sleep. Even after all these months and years, sleep rarely comes to me. Instead, I wander aimlessly through a web of tangled memories and loss.
Swallowing against the ever-present lump in my throat, I turn away from the window. Across the room, our wedding picture sits on its stand, the dust on its beautiful frame an accusation of the neglect. The empty space next to it a testament to the uncontrollable madness that consumed the first few days you were gone. There were no matching wedding bands in the glass bowl infront of it, since the night you left.
My happiness walked out the door right behind you. I guess it’s impossible to find even a small smile in a pit of emptiness. Looking away from the wonderful memory of our past, I stand and walk to the bedroom, our bedroom. Stepping into the closet, my hand drags across your clothes, most of them. They mingle in with mine, blending in a way we will never be able to blend again. Your scent still permeates the confined space, if I close my eyes, it’s as if you were standing right next to me. My heart clenches, the pain enveloping me once again.
It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you, everywhere I go.
But I am doing It.
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and realise that I am alone.
Closing the door behind me, I wandered back into our desolate room. Here, unlike the rest of the house, where I had tried to erase you from my life, I keep constant reminders of what we had been. Pictures dot every surface, along with little trinkets that mean nothing to anyone, save you and I. The little jar of brightly colored beach glass, the varying shades of green so similar to the scenery in the picture that stood next to it. Picture of us, sitting on the grass, our hands entwined, your body leaning into mine. The piece of wood you wrote your first confession, the day you offered me everything.
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“Kong !! Look at this !!”
Your voice flowed over the ocean waves, carried on the sea breeze that moved the tall grasses where I sat. Plopping down next to me on the blanket you had stretched out on the sand, you laid the sun-bleached, natural sculpture in my hand.
“Isn’t it perfect ?? It reminds me of you.”
I had laughed at you at the time, not understanding then how much you knew the real me.
“How is it like me ?? It’s just a piece of wood that’s been beaten up by Mother Nature”
I scoffed, turning it over in my hands, drawn to admire its intricate, accidental symmetry.
Then I gasped when I saw the beautiful crafting of those magical words.
You settled your head in my lap, looking up at me with those perceptive eyes that saw so much more than I had ever wanted you to.
“Just like you, it’s been to hell and back, and come out more beautiful because of it”
Your hand touched my cheek, those long slender fingers moving to curl around my neck drawing my lips down to yours.
That day had been the beginning of the beautiful journey. Shaking my head, I try to push the memory of that day away, but its persistence can’t be denied. Falling to the floor, I clutch the wood to my chest, letting the memory engulf me, running through my mind in a loop.
Holding you on the beach that day, I gave in to an urgency I had never felt before. Our kisses moved quickly from tentative to seeking, my tongue delving deep into your mouth, stroking across your tongue, my fingers tangled in the messy strands of your hair. Pushing my hips against you, I poured every bit of emotion I had ever felt into that kiss, trying to show you what I couldn’t say. You reciprocated, your fingers digging into my hips, pulling me closer, my body aching for more. Our chests heaved, struggling for air when you released my mouth, my lips swollen from the force of your mouth on mine. You stroked a hand down my cheek, smoothing out the lines that a dissolute life had etched around my eyes, before tracing your thumb across my bottom lip.
Pulling it into my mouth, I nipped the soft pad, before swirling my tongue around it. I watched your eyes darken, your nostrils flaring, your mouth falling open with a whispered moan. I had forgotten the world around us, unaware of the dark rolling clouds moving across the sun, the rising wind blowing the sand in whirling tornadoes, the churning waves crashing against the shore. A large drop of rain hit my neck, the sudden cold shocking after the warmth of the afternoon sun, forcing us into the shelter of the hotel. Laughing, you had pulled me with you, stumbling into the elevator, where you shoved me against the wall the minute the doors shut. I closed my eyes against the intimate reflection revealed to me in the polished metal, my body trembling with want.
Your hand trembled while you fumbled to run the key card through the reader on the door. I placed mine over top of it, guiding yours. The lock clicked, and I pushed the handle, letting it swing open in front of us. You took my hand, tugging me into the dimly lit hotel room, the late afternoon sun obscured by the heavy laden storm clouds. The door slammed shut behind us, closing out the rest of the world. The beach gear slipped out of my hand, falling unnoticed to the floor, all my attention focuse on memorizing the features of your face. With nerves I had never felt before, my fingers trembled when I touched you. Sliding one hand up your chest, I curled my fingers into your hair, pulling you closer to me. Overwhelmed by the raw emotion revealed in the depths of your hazel eyes, I closed mine against it. Your lips were soft under mine, yielding easily to my tongue when I pushed for more. I always pushed for more, taking everything and giving my all in return. Your hands gripped my hips, your fingers digging into the skin at the top of my ass.
Walking me toward the bed, your lips never left mine, alternating between teasing caresses and deep, questing probes, your tongue stroking against mine. I wrapped my arms around you, gathering you tighter against me, while you pulled my hips hard against yours, aligning our bodies from chest to hip. No matter how hard I tried, though, it seemed I couldn’t get close enough.
With ragged breaths, you released my mouth, tasting the skin of my jaw, before moving to my neck. I tilted my head back, allowing you better access. You smiled, running your tongue across my adam’s apple, your teeth nipped at the exposed skin. Your hands ghosted across my back, causing me to shiver, before sliding across the expanse of my chest. Feeling my nipples pebble underneath them, you dipped your head to claim one, your teeth gently savaging the little bud. I was moaning your name, your fingers slid under my waistband, stroking across the prominent bones of my hips, teasing through the cluster of curls below my navel.
Moving your hands lower, You tugged on the string of my swim trunks, the loosened fabric dipping lower on my hips, while your mouth covered my other nipple. Easing your hand under the damp fabric, you stroked your fingers across the burning skin of my shaft, to find the beads of moisture that had gathered on the hooded tip. Pushing my shorts down, we both dropped our eyes to watch my erection spring free. Dropping to your knees, your tongue blazed a trail down the path of soft curls on my abdomen. My muscles quivered underneath, a muffled gasp falling from my lips when you reached the base of my shaft. Wrapping your hand around mine, You lifted the turgid flesh to stroke your tongue up the thick vein running underneath. Giving your attention to the sac underneath, you massaged your tongue across it, sucking each globe into your mouth, before releasing them to the teasing ministrations of your hand. Your lips wrapped around my hard cock, hollowing your cheeks while you accepted my length into your mouth, the tip hitting the back of your throat. Easing back, you flattened your tongue across the slit, lapping at the precum accumulating there. My fingers tangled in your hair, My hips bucking against your face, while you bobbed up and down, swallowing when I entered your throat. Feeling me tighten underneath you, I let myself fall from your mouth with a pop, ignoring the needy moan that escaped you.
Placing your hand on my chest, I sighed in understanding, falling to the bed, I pulled myself to the pillows piled across the top. You crawled over my body and reached for the lube on the night table. I spread my legs, my hand stroking your arm while you applied a liberal coating across my tight hole. Easing a finger inside, you worked in and out, adding a second one when I thrust against you. Scissoring your fingers, you prepared me, before rolling a condom down your throbbing erection. Aligning yourself with my opening, You inched forward, breaching the tight band of muscles, your hips shaking as you tried not to thrust before I was ready. Holding your breath, you rocked back and forth, penetrating further on each forward movement until your balls rested against my hot flesh. Then, taking me in your hands, you stroked me in unison to your thrusts, gasps and moans filling the air, your name falling from my lips when I begged for more. Lifting my legs, I wrapped them around your waist, pulling you deeper, until I came in hot spurts, the thick streams bathing your hand while you continued to pump me. Snapping your hips once, twice, three more times, you lunged forward, collapsing against me while you filled the condom with your own orgasm. Holding you close, My fingers traced the line of your spine, the words I was craving for... falling from your lips.
“I love you. Kong”
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And never knowing, that loving you was so natural...
Like I was born to love you and only you.
I know it’s my fault. I shouldn't let you walk out like that after the heated argument..... I knew you were not in your right mental state. You were always the hot headed one between us.... And being the calmer one between us... It was my responsibility to act wisely.
I shouldn't have said those hurtful words...
I should have stopped you.
The news of your car falling down from the bridge.... Into that raging river. I felt my soul left my body. And finally when police was able to pull out your car, But they never found your **** in there, I refused to believe that you too, were snatched away from me.
I believed in you and your promises that you will never leave me alone.
I spent months searching for you...
But couldn't find any trace of your presence...
Slowly my trust and strength started to crumble and my heart and body started to tremble.
After a year police found the information about an unidentified body near the riverside village. The body has been cremated long ago... Only some gruesome picture were there.
I was so scared to even look at them to identify you.....
Maybe because I didn't want to....
Our friends identify YOU....
With the help of belongings on the body.
Same bracelet as yours....
Same watch as your.....
But they say....
There was no rings on the body....
I remembered your words before walking out from our house.
"Kong..... Right now this wedding band is burning my skin. I wish I was strong enough to remove it..."
Did you really removed it Arthit ??
I still don't want to believe it.
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I knew, you would never betray my trust on you. But your pictures with that girl made me so furious that all rationality went out from my mind at that moment and I accused you of doing what, I know you would never be able to do..... even in your wildest dream.
I told you that I regretted marrying you.... The biggest lie... I have ever spurted from my mouth.
Though I regretted the cruel words as soon as they were spoken.
But the demage was done.
You walked out with broken heart.
Closing the door behind you, the click of the latch settling into the space.... echoed around the room, a room as silent as a tomb. Fitting, really, since the life I chose to live was just as hollow and lifeless.
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It's Still Harder....
Getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade and give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
I knew it now, now that it was too late to change things. You are my life, the only one I have ever loved. Aimlessly, I wander through the aching solitude of the home we once shared, the echoes of your laughter in every room, the ghost of your presence haunting every corner. Collapsing onto the couch, I wrap my arms around my chest, trying to hold myself together, to make it through one more day. Squeezing my eyes shut, I fight back more tears, worn out from the torrents I have already cried.
Ignoring the sound of the door.... Certain, one of our friend has shown up, to beg me to eat, to force me out of my pain.
I retreat into my mind to happier memories, failing to notice that your touch on my skin was... too real, your voice in my ear was... too clear.
“Kong, I am home.....”
🌞🌜🌞🌜🌞🌜🌞🌛🌞🌛🌞🌛🌞
A/N: I really don't know what I have written..... It's one of the hardest day of my life.... I was just trying to distract myself from my pain 💔💔