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"Two souls don't find each other by simple accident."
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RHYS LED me to a small private balcony jutting out from the upper level of the House of Wind. On the patio below, the music still played, its melody floating up from the ground to us as though it were on a cloud. People still danced, stars still flew by faster than ever, close and swift.
He let go of me as I took a seat on the balcony rail, my eyes immediately widening as I observed the drop below. Clearing my throat, I got down and backed away a healthy step. Heights? Who knew.
Rhys chuckled, "If you fell, you know I'd bother to save you before you hit the ground."
"But not until I was close to death?"
"Maybe."
A light chuckle. "I'm sure." I placed a hand on the railing, peering at the stars as the whizzed past. The night sky lit up so brightly,
"About what I said," Rhys began and I looked over, "I'm sorry. I meant it more about myself than I had you."
I hummed as I looked back to the bright sky, "You were right, though." I said, my voice quiet but strong, "I was mad because you were right."
The truth, the bare truth. I wasn't mad about why had said it, or the fact he had apologized sooner. I was angry because everything that he had said was true. Each and every sad part of it.
You hide behind a mask. You let no one in. How could you? What if they saw everything, and still walked away? Who could blame them—who would want to bother with that sort of mess?
My world was twisted and turned. Warped so many times my reality had become a muddle of thoughts and feelings I had no idea how to navigate. I think I lost that ability a very long time ago.
There had been so much death. So much death I learned how to stone myself. To create such impenetrable walls that even I had no idea how to tear them down.
Their names haunted me. The memories. The love. The way it felt to be with them and the way it felt to lose them. Astrid, Flynn, Kai, Feyre, Clare and Maya Bedder, hundreds, maybe thousands of names of the lives I had taken . Ones I never let myself forget.
So many people hurt because of me. So many people killed because I didn't care or didn't fight hard enough.
He was right. I didn't let people in, because if they saw everything, I knew that they would not see me the same way.
I couldn't see Rhys's face, but I could feel the prick of his stare. The way he studied me while I wasn't looking.
So I continued, my voice softer this time, "I have hid behind a mask my entire life, and I—I think forgot what it's like to not live to survive, to be truly free. I've spent so long without those luxuries, I think I forgot how to live with them." I looked over again. Rhys's brows were furrowed in contemplation, his stare boring into me as he took in my every word. "The people who are close to me...have a tendency to get hurt. After so many deaths...you learn not to let people in. To never let your guard down because when you do, it only ends in tragedy.
"If I let someone in...let them see everything I have done; everything in my mind. You were right, anyone and everyone sane enough to know what's good for them, wouldn't bother with that sort of mess."
That. That right there was why I would never give in. Would never let Rhys in fully like everything in my body screamed at me to. Even if he was insane enough to stick around, I couldn't burden him like that. Wouldn't taint his kindness.
He didn't speak for a long moment. The stars whizzing by casting a dim light on his face with each pass. "No," he said, "not everyone."
I tilted my head, voice still quiet, "How do you mean?"
"Anyone and everyone sane enough to know what's good for them," he repeated my words, eyes deep as the ocean. "Would know that you are the best thing that ever happened to them."
I gulped. Why did he have to say things like that? Why did he have to make things hard?
I looked at Rhys for a long moment. My eyes never leaving his as breath left me entirely. Urges snaked around my mind, begging to be let loose. Ones I refused to give in to.
So I took the coward's way out and changed the subject. "Any news with the orb or the queens?" I asked, looking away and back to the sky.
He smirked a little. As though he knew every thought going through my head. I checked my mental shields just to be safe. "Nothing yet. We're waiting for them to reply."
We were silent for a moment and I studied the stars. "They're not stars at all." I breathed out.
"No," Rhys came to my side at the rail, leaning his elbows against the metal as his head dipped up toward the sky. "Our ancestors thought they were, but...They're just spirits, on a yearly migration to somewhere. Why they pick this day to appear, no one knows."
Again, I felt his eyes upon me, and tore my gaze away from the shooting stars. Light and shadow passed over his face. The cheers and music of the city, far, far below were barely audible over the crowd gathered at the House.
"There must be hundreds of them." I managed to say, dragging my eyes back to the night.
"Thousands." he said, "They'll keep coming until dawn. Or, I hope they will. There were less and less of them the last time I witnessed Starfall."
Before Under the Mountain. Before Amarantha. Before everything she did to him.
"Why are there less?" I questioned, looking to see him shrug. Something twanged in my chest.
"I wish I knew But they keep coming back despite it."
"Why?"
"Why does anything cling to something? Maybe they love wherever they're going so much that it's worth it. Maybe they'll keep coming back, until there's only one star left. Maybe that one star will make that trip forever, out of the hope that someday—if it keeps coming back enough—another star will find it again."
I felt my lips tip up a bit, I turned to study him as he watched the stars. "That...is a very sad thought."
"Indeed." Rhys leaned down a fraction so that his forearms were resting on the rail, close enough for my fingers to touch if I dared. I wouldn't.
A calm, full silence enveloped us as we watched. The sky bright with all that fell.
I don't know how much time passed as we basked in the silence. But it must have been a moment because I jolted slightly when Rhys spoke again, "Every year that I was Under the Mountain and Starfall came around, Amarantha made sure that I...serviced her. The entire night. Starfall is no secret, even to outsiders—even the Court of Nightmares crawls out of the Hewn City to look up at the sky. So she knew...she knew what it meant to me."
I stopped hearing the celebrations around us.
Horror. Pure horror spiraled through my veins. To take something so beautiful as this and make it something so...awful was a monstrosity in itself.
To think of what she had done to him...I contemplated bringing her back to life if only to kill her again. And again. And again. That was one mark of death I would wear with glee.
"She was a monster." I practically bit out.
A slight tilt of his lips, and then it vanished. "I got through it by reminding myself that my friends were safe; that Velaris was safe. Nothing else mattered, so long as I had that. She could use my body however she wanted. I didn't care."
Always—always the one to sacrifice himself. I hated it more than I hated anything. The way he would willingly put himself through so much pain if only to spare those around him from experiencing the same. I couldn't—wouldn't accept it. Wouldn't let him sacrifice himself again and again.
He thought so low of himself. Believed himself to be so worthless.
And yet he didn't notice that even the stars fell from the skies to her a better view of his light.
"Then why aren't we down there with them?" I asked, furrowing my brows slightly.
"They don't know—what she did to me on Starfall. I don't want it to ruin their night."
I settled him with a look, "It wouldn't. You know that." My voice was soft. Almost pleading. "They'd be happy if you let them shoulder the burden."
"The same way you rely on others to help with your own troubles?"
"Touche." I sighed.
We stared at each other, close enough to share breath.
Maybe just tonight...Maybe just tonight could I let go.
My fingers grazed his. And as I turned to face him fully, something blinding and twinkling slammed into my face.
I reeled back with a yelp as I bent over, shielding my eyes against the light I could see even with my hand over it.
Rhys let out a startled laugh.
A laugh. The prick.
When I realized my eyes hadn't been singed out of their sockets I whirled on him, "I could have been blinded!" I hissed, shoving him. "Or my eyes could have melted off!" He took one look at my face and burst out laughing again. Real laughter, open and delighted and lovely.
I wiped at my face and when I pulled my hands down I gaped. Pale green light glowed in flecks on my hand. Oh, my gods. Did I just kill a ghost? I didn't know if I should be horrified or amused. Or disgusted.
When I went to rub it off, Rhys caught my hands. "Don't," he said, still laughing. "It looks like your face is glowing."
My nostrils flared, and I went to shove him again—maybe throw him off the balcony. He could summon wings. He could deal with it himself.
He sidestepped me, veering toward the balcony rail, but not fast enough to avoid the careening star that collided with the side of his face.
He leaped back with a curse. And it was my turn to laugh. Not a chuckle or a snort, but a true laugh.
And I laughed again, and again, as he lowered his hands from his face. Even going so far as to pointing a finger at him as I cackled. The entire left side of his face had been hit.
Heavenly warpaint, that's what it looked like. I could see why he didn't want me to wipe mine away.
Rhys was examining his hands, covered in the dust, and I stepped toward him, peering at the way it glowed and glittered.
Another laugh spluttered out of me at the look on his face, "You look silly."
"This is not a laughing matter." though amusement was so very clear on his face
I held my arms up in mock surrender. "You laughed at me first." though I could barely get the words out between my own, tipping my head back toward the sky as I let myself loose.
When I looked back, Rhys was smiling at me. And looked so un-High-Lord-like with the glowing dust on the side of his face that I grinned back.
I hadn't even realized what I'd done until his own smile faded, and his mouth parted slightly.
"Smile again," he whispered.
I hadn't smiled for him. Ever. Or laughed. Under the Mountain I had never grinned, never chuckled. And afterward...
And this male before me...
For all that he had done I had never given him either. And yet slowly I had been healing. Had been restored and found and he had been everything.
I had given him a melody. The night of his nightmare. And maybe...maybe I was willing to try again. To create. To play. To listen.
So I smiled at him, broad and without restraint.
"You're exquisite." he breathed.
The air was too tight, too close between our bodies, between everything. But I whispered, "You owe me two thoughts–back from when I first came here. Tell me what you're thinking."
Rhys rubbed at his neck. "You want to know why I didn't speak or see you? Because I was so convinced you'd throw me out on my ass. I just..." he dragged a hand through his hair and huffed a laugh. "I figured hiding was a better alternative."
I put a hand on my chest, "Who would've thought the High Lord of the Night Court would be scared of little old me?" I purred. He grinned, nudging me with an elbow. "That's one," I pushed, "Tell me another thought."
His eyes fell on my mouth. "I'm wishing I could take back that kiss Under the Mountain."
I'd forgotten about that kiss. The night I had tried to sneak away from a party to find Feyre before her last task, Of course, Rhysand had found me. He'd kissed me to save me from Amarantha. To make sure she didn't realize I was trying to sneak away. His kiss had been brutal, demanding. "Why?" I asked.
His gaze drew away from me. "Because I didn't make it pleasant for you, and I was jealous, and pissed off, and I knew you hated me."
Dangerous territory, I warned myself.
Don't give in.
Give in.
A dance. A battle with myself. Selfish, Feyre had called me. But I could not be selfish with him.
Rhys looked up, meeting my gaze. And whatever was on my face—I think it might have been mirrored on his: the hunger and longing and surprise.
I swallowed hard, grabbing his hand as I traced a line of stardust along the inside of his powerful wrist. I didn't think he was breathing.
Give in. Give in. Give in. Give in. Give in.
Just for tonight. For this one night, I would be selfish. Just this once.
I placed my hand in his, and he turned still as death. But he gripped me back.
"Come with me. I want to show you something." I whispered and began dragging him through the halls to a place I never thought I would come back to.
The music room.
A/N: AGGAHAHSHAHAHHSDIHAMWEOP