*Katniss's POV*
I wake up suddenly to find myself in Peeta's arms. I can't remember my nightmares, which is unusual. I look over towards him. He's still asleep, so I just stay there on his chest, embracing his warmth. I remember what he said about Gale; about how he might've made a mistake. I can't help but feel indifferent towards his views of Gale. Peeta knows what he did, yet he still was able to create an illusion of kindness. Then again, he's able to see the good in everyone.
"Morning," he says suddenly. I sit up to look at him and he laughs at me.
"What's so funny?" I ask confused.
"Nothing." He says smiling. I narrow my eyes slightly and lie back down on his chest. I probably just woke him up, again. I always feel bad if I wake him up in the morning, because I wake him up enough during the night.
"I have to visit the bakery today—to finalize the purchase." He says, playing with my hair. I sigh and nod at him, but he gives me a look. "What's the matter, darling?" He asks softly.
"I just don't want to be alone." I breathe.
"Visit Haymitch while I'm gone." He suggests. "I'm sure he'd like to see the kids too." I shrug and pick at my nails while we lie there. "Why don't you try talking to someone?"
"I talk to you plenty." I huff. I don't need anyone else. I have all that I need, sort of.
"No, Katniss. I mean like talking to someone besides me. Like a therapist." I roll my eyes and resume picking at my nails.
"I'll pass." I say.
Although I've never thought about it, I already know it's a bad idea. The whole idea of telling someone about things I'm struggling with isn't very ideal for me.
I hear him sigh and start to get up. He leaves me alone in the room and I flop back down on my back. I cover my face with my hands and think about my life these past days. I have Peeta, whose practically begging for me just to stay alive, I have cheating allegations going around about me, and I haven't been out of the victors village in a long time.
After wallowing in my self-pity, I get up and head downstairs. I find it quiet—seeing no signs of Peeta; he must've left. I walk into the kitchen to grab a glass of water and I hear someone walking down the stairs.
"Morning." I whisper. She smiles and sits at the table.
"Where's Dad?" She asks.
"He had to run an errand but I had the idea we could go to Uncle Haymitch's." I suggest. She nods in excitement and goes running out of the room—to which I assume she's going to wake up Rye. I laugh silently and I continue to clean up the kitchen whilst listening to them fumble around upstairs. As I clear off the island, I remember the Christmas I got engaged, and how we baked cheese buns in here. I remember how happy I was.
I wish I was that happy now; maybe I'd be able to be a better mother. Although, anyone who tries can be better than me. I wonder what life would be like if Prim hadn't of been chosen. I know I wouldn't have kids, and the possibility of being with Peeta would've been highly unlikely. But Prim still would've been alive; maybe my mother as well. But I never would've met all of the people that have had an impact on my life. I wouldn't have Haymitch. Neither would I have met Cinna or Finnick. And everyone else would still be stuck in the control of the capital.
Would I do it again if I had the opportunity? All of the losses, for this outcome?
I drag myself out of the wonder and back into reality—my reality of wishing I was dead.
I finish cleaning and walk up the stairs to find Willow and Rye getting dressed. I laugh and turn into my own bedroom to get ready. I throw on some comfortable clothes and throw my hair in a braid down my back. I stare in the mirror looking at my reflection. My cheekbones are much more noticeable and my body is thin, but I guess that's what happens when you don't take care of yourself.
"Mama?" Rye asks tugging on my shirt and I jerk out of my thoughts. I bend down to pick him up.
"Good morning, darling." I say whilst lifting him up. He gives me a worried look and I laugh softly. "What's wrong?"
"You look sick, Mama." My smile fades slowly and I pull him to my chest. I comb my fingers through his hair a few times while letting sigh slip out.
"Don't worry about me, Rye." He sits up to give me a look and I turn to look in the mirror. His eyes follow mine and he gazes into the mirror as well. "You get more like your dad everyday, you know." I ring while walking out of the room.
They both worry too much, and act like I haven't handled myself for my whole life.
"Come along, Willow." I say while waiting for her outside of her room.
She hesitates before hopping off her bed and walks out of the room. I wonder why she hesitates, but I let it slip my mind. I walk down the stairs and help Rye get his shoes on.
"Are you ready?" I say standing up and grabbing my keys. They both nod and I smile. "Let's go." We walk across the yard and Willow and Rye play together on the way there. I knock on the door and Haymitch surprisingly opens the door.
"Hey, Sweetheart." He mumbles.
"Hey, Haymitch. Could we visit for awhile? Peeta's not home." He nods and opens up the door. Willow and Rye run in and go somewhere while Haymitch and I sit down on the couch.
"I wanted to thank you." I say quietly.
He smirks and takes a drink from his bottle. "For your, mishap?"
I roll my eyes but nod as well. "I appreciate it." I mumble, looking at the bottle. He shakes his head, which attracts my attention, and I shrug my shoulders defensively. "I was just looking."
"Totally." He laughs at me and I narrow my eyes. I pause and think about my options.
"How about one?" I suggest quietly.
One can't hurt.
"Katniss, it was different when you didn't have kids. You have zero-control over alcohol."
"Haymitch," I complain. He gives me a look. "I've been through a lot, just one." He reluctantly hands me the bottle and I take a sip.
I haven't drank since I had them.
Nobody can blame me.
I haven't done anything wrong.
I hear Willow and Rye playing somewhere in the house, but I'm unable to focus on anything either than the alcohol in my hand.
"Have you tried leaving the village?" He asks while looking through a book.
"What do you think?" I sneer.
He gives me a look and shrugs. "Nobody can tell with you." I roll my eyes and we sit there. I'm glad to be with Haymitch. He always seems to know what's going on with me. I can't hide things from him.
"You look sick." He mentions while staring at me.
Why does everyone feel the need to comment on my looks? I'm perfectly fine.
"I'm fine." I state flatly. "I'm the same as I was when I can home years ago." I shrug my shoulders and I hear him sigh. Why is everyone saying that today?
I'm fine, I'm always fine, I'm fine.
"Whatever you say, Sweetheart."
_
"I'm going to get home." I say walking through the hallway. "Let's go, Willow and Rye."
"See you around." I nod at his goodbye and hurry along the kids. We walk through the door and they go running towards the house. They wait at the porch while I catch up. I walk inside and hear Peeta in the kitchen. He's home. I walk up to him and smile.
"Hey." I say leaning in for a kiss. He kisses me back but he pulls away after a short while. He gives me a look but I shrug it off. "How'd it go?" I ask while siting on top of the island.
"Good." He smiles. "Still have to figure out most of the designs." He says looking away but I can tell he's leaving something out. What's he hiding? What happened?
"What aren't you telling me?" I ask.
He looks at me and sighs. "I was rethinking it. Maybe it isn't such a good idea after all."
"Why not?" I give him a confused look.
"I was thinking and I would be spending some time there and I don't want you to be alone that long." He says looking down. I give him a disgusted look and scoff.
"You shouldn't be giving something up because of me." I ring. He shrugs and I sit there for a few moments.
He can't give things up for me, he's sacrificed so much. I want to tell myself he's being ridiculous and not thinking clearly, but he's not the one who drank. He has put time and thought into the bakery, and the thought of him giving it up for me makes me feel so terribly guilty.
"I'm taking a walk, I'll be back later." I hear him start to interject but I'm already to the door. I slip my shoes on and walk along the path towards the cliff.
As I near it, I think about my life. All the bad, and some of the good. I sit along the edge peering down into the fog. Who knows what's down there. Maybe I could be the one to find out.
But what about my family? Willow and Rye could move on, I've only been apart of their lives a short while. Peeta could remarry and I'm sure that whoever it is would be a great mother—better than I ever was. Haymitch could figure it out with a few drinks. I would finally be with my loved ones. Prim. Rue. Finnick. My mother. Cinna. I would be able to see them again.
But, what about the good times? When I first got back to 12 and reunited with Peeta, when he first started helping me through my nightmares, when I got engaged, my wedding. There's so much in between that I bet I could never even list on paper—how much I wouldn't even be able to talk about simply because there's too much, too many memories. Do I really want to leave that?
"Katniss." I hear someone call as I peer down into the fog.
"I'm fine," I begin as I turn around and stand up. I must've been gone awhile. "I was just looking—" I start defensively but he cuts me off.
"Katniss, listen. You don't have to do this." He says, stepping towards me with caution. "We can figure this out."
"I was—" I pause. I hear someone talk in the back of my head and it tells me to stop hiding from my reality. "We can't." I feel my eyes begin to fill with water. "I can't."
"Look at me." He says walking towards me. I keep my distance and remain close to the edge. "Don't do this to me."
"I can't keep living like this, Peeta." I say wiping a stray tear. I back up, and with each step that I become closer to the cliff, it looks like his heart breaks, bit by bit.
"Don't give up on me," he shakes his head. "I need you."
"You'll be fine, you don't need me. I've made so many mistakes, I don't need to make more. Just erase me; forget me." I ring hopelessly.
Please, Peeta. Please, for the sake of me, let me go. Let me do this.
"I can't erase you, you're the only one I want to love." I glance at him and he gives me a look. "Look, I know you drank. But I'm not mad about it. God, Katniss—I never can be mad at you. You can break my heart—break it a thousand times if you'd like. It was only ever yours to break in the first place. But don't break it like this. I won't be able to fix it."
I drop to my knees and bring them to my chest.
"Katniss." He says walking towards me. He pulls me into his shoulder and I let the tears fall into it.
"I can't be the one to ruin things for you." I sniff, with rivers flowing down my cheek. I can barely breathe.
"You never ruin anything for me, darling." He says, rubbing circles on my back. I sit up to look down at the cliff.
I would've been down there, I should've been down there. I shouldn't be here. I don't want to be here.
"Just let me go." I say, trying to break out of him arms. He shakes his head and holds me tighter.
"I can't."
"I should be down there, I can't be here. I can't—I can't go on." I say, breathless while looking over the edge. It's endless, who knows how long it would take the reach the bottom.
"Sometimes you can't control your feelings. Doesn't mean what you did was wrong, just means that maybe you're not thinking clearly or maybe you need a break." He grabs my chin and brings it to face him. He wipes the oncoming tears off my cheek. "Please don't do this, Katniss." He says looking at me.
I should be dead. I shouldn't be here.
"Where's Willow and Rye?" I ask sitting up frantically, stopping my thoughts of the cliff.
He hushes me and continues the circles on my back. "They're at Haymitch's; they're fine."
I sigh and look down at my nails.
His grip on my shoulders remain the same, and I realize that he won't let go until he's sure I won't turn to the cliff side. This thought makes me feel numb inside, because I know there's nothing I can do except stay alive. And the thought of living kills me.
I pause before speaking up. "Maybe you were right." I mumble, acting like I'm fine.
"Always am." He smirks. I roll my eyes and fall into his chest.
_
"Did you mean what you said?" I ask while we walk back to the house.
"Every bit." He says, I nod to accept the response and think about it. He said he only wanted to be with me. But how could someone want me? "Stop getting in your own head," he says and it brings my attention to him. "That's what got you there in the first place."
"Wasn't just me." I add. He gives me a look and I shrug. "I'm serious, I'm not the only one who got me there."
"You're saying I contributed to it?" He asks while looking away.
"Peeta," I say softly. He dismisses it and there's tension in the air between us. "You didn't do anything to me." He glances over then back at the ground, kicking rocks as we go along.
He just saved my life—once again, and I've already started the fighting and bickering between us.
We reach the steps and he unlocks the door. I step in and find the house empty.
"Let's go upstairs and get you cleaned up, I know you drank earlier and you're sick." I glance at him. I can't help but feel bad for putting him through this.
"I'm sorry." I say while standing on the bottom step.
He looks back at me and gives a small smile. "It's alright. I'm just glad you're here now." I nod as we head up the stairs.
He opens the door and starts filling the bathtub. I look over and see a light on in Willow's room. Intrigued, I walk in and find that she's made her bed all by herself and her room is tidy.
This is what she was waiting on the bed for this morning, when I hurried her along.
I wipe away the stray tear and walk back into the bathroom. Peeta turns around and his face softens when he sees me wiping my tears.
"What's the matter, darling?" He says walking towards me. I wrap my hands around him and sink into his shoulder.
"She made her bed and cleaned all by herself this morning and I was too busy to even notice." I say, in between tears.
"Katniss, I'm sure she doesn't even care anymore." He says quietly.
"But she waited for me in her room, and I didn't even give it a second thought. I wasn't paying attention." I breathe in deeply as he rubs my back.
"Accidents happen, just admire it when she gets home. She'll understand." I take a deep breath in and Peeta kisses the top of my head. "Get in the tub and I'll go get them now. You can compliment her when you're done." I nod and he leaves the room. I hear the door close downstairs and I stare at the bath.
Just get it over with, Katniss. I reluctantly sit in the bath and pretend I have circles being drawn on my back.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
Just pretend, just pretend, just pretend.
A few minutes pass by but I can't calm down. My breathing rate increases rapidly, and I quickly step out of the bathtub.
Calm down. Calm down. Calm down.
I wrap myself in a towel and look in the mirror. What's happened to me? How did I go from being 'Katniss Everdeen,' the victor who won by outsmarting the Capitol, to a girl who can't even stand being alone?
Stay out of your own head, Peeta said. But he doesn't know, he doesn't know how difficult that actually is. I quickly brush out my hair and walk into my room. I throw on pajamas as I hear the door close.
They're home.
I quickly put my towel in the dirty hamper and walk downstairs.
"Mama!" They both say as I embrace them in a hug.
"I've missed you so much." I whisper while squeezing them. The warmth of them makes me slightly happier, and i even feel the energy to put a smile on my face.
"We've only been gone a few hours." Willow laughs. I smile and nod.
They don't know, Katniss. Just act normal.
"I know." I pause. "Speaking of which, guess what I saw?"
"What?" Rye asks while placing his hands on my shoulders quickly. I notice Peeta touches his arm slightly, and he seems to pull back a little bit and takes his hands off me.
"I found something extraordinary, should we go see it?" I ask, and they both nod.
I begin to stand, when I feel pressure on my back. I turn my head to see Peeta helping me stand up, like I'm injured. I give him a look before I take Willow and Rye's hands. I watch as they race up the stairs and I quickly follow after them. We walk in and I hear Willow laugh.
"Look at this," I say in awe to Rye. I take his hands and spin in a circle on the clean floor. "She did an amazing job, didn't she?"
He nods his head and smiles.
"Do you like it, Mama?" She asks while searching my face.
"No," I say and her face falls. I laugh and she gives me a sad look. "I don't like it; I love it." I joke, and she pauses before laughing and I smile. I look up to see Peeta leaning on the doorframe, just as he always does. He gives me a concerned look but walks away while shaking his head disapprovingly.
What did I do wrong? What did I do?
I look back down and find them waiting for me.
"Can we play a game? Willow asks.
"Sure," I pause, "what game should we play?" I ask. She looks over at Rye and they both smile at the same time.
"We can play star people. Me and Rye made it up a long time ago." Willow mentions hopping up. Some time passes and I continue along with the act until it's time for them to go to sleep; they ate dinner at Haymitch's apparently.
Before I walk out of Willows room, she stops me.
"Mama," she says. "I liked today, could it be like this more times?" I pause at the question, knowing I shouldn't promise something I know I can't keep.
"I'll try my hardest, darling." I say while shutting the door. I wish there was a way for me to keep that promise.
I walk down the stairs and into the living room to find Peeta reading on the couch. I sit down next to him and he glances up at me then puts his book down. He gazes into my face and then gently brushes a strand of hair away from my eyes.
"What was that look for?" I ask gesturing towards the stairs. "I don't know what I did wrong."
"Are you sure you're not overdoing it?" He asks quietly. "You were just on the edge of a cliff, darling. I'm sure they would've understood if you rested tonight."
"I'm fine." I state while looking in his eyes.
He nods reluctantly and remains his eye contact with me. I lean in and kiss him and he hesitates at first, but eventually deepens the kiss. Eventually, we both pull back from mutual fatigue. I lay on his chest and I rest as he plays with my hair. I feel him pick up his book and begin to read while I lie there. I sit up a little to reach a blanket from the edge of the couch and then I lie back down. My eyes fall heavy and I soon fall asleep, until eventually I wake up from nightmares.
I know that even through everything, his arms will always be there to comfort me, no matter the circumstances nor our relationship status. He's always going to be here.