(Jimin)
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I don't know what I was more interested about: Finding out about my mother's lover or finding my lover's body-toy. Hmmmmm... My Jungkookie was the most delicious man I had ever tasted. Actually he was the only man I ever tasted! Ha! And it would remain that way, thank God. He was yearning for me and I gave him everything and more than we ever expected from each other. We're in love and this virtue of love being kind, patient and rejoicing in the truth was definitely entwined in our hearts. God knows that Jungkook was definitely patient with me and we always showed kindness to each other. Throughout our years of being together, we worked on truth that included having trust and faith in each other.
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I wondered if my mother ever felt that way for my father. Was she being kind, patient and truthful with him? By having an affair with her Jane, she would've had to keep their love a secret. My dad never spoke of this before even when he explained to me about my physical condition. Then I wondered if he knew about her 'duality' as he knew about mine. My double life or 'duality' as I like to refer to it now was such a hindrance before but now I was beginning to accept being able to identify as two persons in one body. What I thought was a condemnation in my life I was now seeing it as a blessing. In my decision to remain a boy I thought I would've found a girl and get married to her but then along came Jeon Jungkook and I was hooked, literally. Ha! I think I'm on a roll here. Lol... (Ba-dum Ching!)
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My decision to keep the female part of me was going to help us raise our family and I couldn't wait but in light of the turmoil we had gone through with Tae and Travis, we decided to push back my surgery. I was worried at first as I was anxious to do it but whenever I looked at Jungkook's face I realised he was happy no matter who I was: Male or female. So making a family would have to wait. Our wedding would also have to wait as Jungkook and I were now on our way to South Korea to find Jane's Korean family. We did some digging and found that her family came from a poor countryside area in Jeju Island. Jungkook and I made the trip after we had a talk with my dad. I was in two minds whether to talk with him about it but Jungkook told me it would be the best thing to do.
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"We can't keep him in the dark about what happened and I'm sure it will answer questions he might've had from his past." My Jungkookie was so right but also so wrong. Wow! My dad shocked us when we went to talk with him.
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A few days before our trip, Jungkook and I went to visit my dad so we could have that father-son talk. Jungkook left us alone as he and my step-mom, Sangi went into the kitchen to cook up a storm for us. I took the envelope with me as we sat in his study.
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"Ahem, dad I came to talk with you concerning mom." I was actually nervous and I was fiddling with the piece of paper in my hand.
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My dad looked down at my lap and asked, "Is that your letter from her?" I nodded and looked at him. When my tears began to fall, he took me into his arms. "It's okay, Min-Min. It's okay. If it's too difficult for you, you don't have to tell me..." But I wiped my tears as I interjected.
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"It is difficult but not just for me." Now it was his turn to interject.
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"Did she tell you about Jane?"
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I opened my eyes big, "Which Jane?" Well from the time I said that and I saw his smile, I knew that he knew about my mom's lover.
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He held my hands as he told me what he knew, "In my letter from your mom, she confessed about her infidelity and that she was going to tell you both about it. But what she didn't know was that I already knew about her affair." He rocked back in his seat and said, "Your mom used to talk in her sleep. It wasn't full sentences but sometimes just one or two words. When she started moaning the name 'Jane' in her sleep, I became curious. Very curious because this was before your sister was born." He sort of grinned and chuckled and then explained, "I had someone watch her to confirm my suspicions. At first I was so sad and disappointed but honestly during that time it was probably the best memories I ever had of us. She was happy and I thought if this young woman was making her happy why should I stop them. But then Jane was killed and that turned things around. I saw a definite change in her."
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I added, "She told me about Jane and her abusive father. She suspected that he had something to do with it." I told him and my dad just nodded.
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"I didn't do any digging up on the young woman but maybe I should've. I could've helped her. Your mom tried to get over it and focused more on us but there were times when she'd sit outside alone and I would see her crying. I couldn't fill that void in her life and I felt helpless while her sorrow made her depressed. But despite the sadness, we still loved each other so when she found out she was pregnant I saw the life come back in her. She was so excited and I thought finally I got my Lily back." He breathed a sigh of relief and then took another deep breath, "When we found out that our Jane was ill, we did everything we could've done. Doctors, research, therapy... but it was inevitable. Lily wrote to me and told me it was her fault that Jane died as she felt it was a punishment of her being unfaithful to me. Of course I never got the chance to tell her that it wasn't true."
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I just had to know, "But why didn't you tell her that you knew about the affair?"
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"Well, when I first found out I realised that them being together actually helped us. Your mother was kinder and more into you boys. She never made us feel unwanted or unloved as a matter of fact we felt more love from her and I was grateful for that. When the young lady died, I didn't want to burden her or make her feel guilty. She was already grieving for her and then for your sister. I didn't want to make it worse that's why I organised the various therapy sessions for her."
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In that instant I saw the age in my father and I knew that by him keeping this in for such a long time, it would've taken a toll on him. He probably saw the look on my face and he smiled at me, "Don't feel sorry for me. I was happy but I always wondered if I had let Lily go and be with her lover, if things would've been different."
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"What do you mean?"
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He sighed and I believe this was his burden over the years, "I knew about her relationship and that she was happy with her. I should've divorced Lily to give her a chance to go and be with her Jane. If that had happened, then they probably would've been together all now. I thought I was being selfish by insisting that we do things as a family. I knew she was doing her best but sometimes I would see the look of longing on her face and I knew it wasn't for me."
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"Dad, you weren't being selfish. You were thinking about us too. We needed both our parents together."
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"There are many families that live a wonderful life after divorce and I don't think she would've just abandoned you guys. She loved us. It's just that after going through two painful deaths, she couldn't handle the pains inside of her."
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I sighed, "She blamed herself for her lover's death."
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His eyes opened wide, "Really? Did she say that in her letter to you?" Then I told him about the fight she and Jane had the night before the girl's untimely death.
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"Oh shit! She should've gone with her to South Korea. Your mother always loved it there."
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I added, "She thought that if she had answered her call or even go with her that her friend wouldn't have died."
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"Hmm... Fate is such an unpredictable thing. If someone murdered Jane that night, it's a possibility that if Lily had stayed, she could've been a target too. So really either way, Lily was bound to die relatively young." He looked at me and held my hands, "When God is ready to take us back home that's exactly what he'll do. I'm sorry you had to find out about this Min-Min. I know your own personal turmoil with your mother was difficult to bear. I hope this doesn't add to your pains."
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I tightened my hands on him as I hoped I wasn't going to add to his pains, "Dad, did mom ever tell you about her condition?"
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He looked at me puzzled, "What condition? Her depression?"
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"No." I didn't know if I should but I took a deep breath and told him, "Mom told me that she was born just like me... She had both male and female reproductive parts."
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I saw as his eyes were frantically searching mine to see if I was lying, "What did you just say?"
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Oh God! "Dad. Mom was born a hermaphrodite just like me."
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"She told you that?" He was still in shock so I opened my letter and gave it to him to read. From the moment he read the part about her sex, he dropped the paper, "Oh no... No. No. No..." Then he got up from his seat and began to pace the floor.
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I got kinda scared, "Dad... Talk to me. Tell me..." When he started to cry I ran up to him and hugged him. "It's okay dad. It's okay..." I didn't know why he was reacting like this. I thought the news would shock him but not like this. I even wondered if she had told him in her letter but from his reaction right now it was obvious he didn't know. I started to cry too because I was feeling his pains. Strange how partners work for as soon as we were both bursting in tears, both our significant others came rushing at the door.
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"Jiminnie..." My beau came running to my side and then...
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"Joo-Won..." My dad's angel came up to him and took him in her arms.
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I felt my lover's kisses on my face as his strong yet gentle arms came around me and just as I was comforting my dad a few seconds ago, I heard both Jungkook and Sangi comforting us. The beautiful thing about it was that neither of them asked anything; they just stood there supporting us. I love my family. Then I heard my dad sniffling and then he said, "You guys better sit down because I need to tell you all something."
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I was so scared but I felt Jungkook's arms around me. My angel was protecting me. Strange that I felt my sister's presence too but I didn't say anything. The three of us, Sangi, Jungkook and I sat together on the sofa where my dad and I were just sitting and we watched and waited for him to explain things to us. His back was to us and I felt Sangi's nervousness. I put my hand over hers and she looked at me. When I squeezed her fingers she held them tightly. She was on the verge of crying but she was holding it back. We both looked at my dad as he turned around, took a deep breath and then told us his own little secret.
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"I grew up in a poor area in Seoul. I knew nothing about relationships or being in love. My school years were kind of numb and I was blessed that I could do my academics well so I passed my exams easily. Tests and assignments were an ease but socially I was a train wreck. I was so introverted that I would huddle in a corner while the other students would go out for recess or a break. My parents just thought I was scared that I would fall down or something." He chuckled when he said that last part but then he got very serious. "When I was in Standard Four I was 9 years old and I was in my usual spot in the corner, literally just minding my own business. There were some workers in the school doing construction work on a new extension of the school. One of the workers a young teenager noticed me and every day he would ask me if I was okay. I never said a word."
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Dad then sat down, bowed his head and clasp his hands as he began rubbing his fingers nervously. I came out of Jungkook's embrace and knelt in front of my father. Taking his hands, I looked up at him and told him, "We're here..."
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"But I'm so ashamed, Min-Min," he cried.
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"And I'm proud of you. You've come this far and you've held it in for so long. Release it... If you want to close your eyes you can..." I wiped his tears and he held my hand and kissed it.
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"You are such a beautiful person, Jimin and I love you so much." It was nice hearing my dad call me by my full name as he hardly did that so I know what he was going to say was pretty deep and serious. He took a deep breath and looking at me he told me what his young nine year old self went through. "The construction worker was my first love and my first experience with sex. His name was Feng. His parents were Chinese who came to live in South Korea to find work. Feng was born in South Korea so he was a citizen of our country. When he finished his schooling, we went into construction and that's when we met. At first he approached me as a concerned person, eventually he got me to trust him as a friend but I don't know when we fell in love. He got me out of my sink hole and made me blossom."
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Then more tears began to flow and he looked up at Sangi. "I... I liked him and I liked the things we did together. Even though Feng was way older than me, he was never rough and always made sure I was okay. He didn't start it right away but one day when he gave me an ice cream some of it fell on my pants so he took me to the workers bathroom to clean it up. He stroked my penis over my clothes and it felt good. Every day I looked forward to seeing him as he would do what he did before and new things. This wouldn't happen every day so there was no pattern to what we were doing."
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I looked at Sangi and I could feel her emotions. "Jungkook-ah..." I whispered at Jungkook and looked at Sangi again. He sensed what I was trying to tell him so he put his arms around her and she held him tightly. Our telepathy was so good. We were so good together.
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My dad was grateful too, "I know you two are so special and different and I'm thankful for the love you and Jungkook have for each other. I too thought I was in love. The relationship I had with Feng actually blossomed. He was sixteen years old at the time he first touched me and by the time he became an adult he confided in me that he was 'touched' by his uncle when he was younger. I didn't understand what that meant then but it pained me to know that he was violated like that. His uncle was unkind but Feng was never like that with me. We maintained a friendship outside of school as he would come and meet me outside the gate. It was nice as we did things together like real friends. My parents thought I was hanging out with my other schoolmates. Feng and I would go to his home and spend a few hours in his room as his parents were always at work. Sometimes we would play normal video games but whenever he would hug me a certain way, I knew he wanted us to touch again.
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"At that point that was all we were doing: gently touching each other and kissing. The first time I touched his penis I was so excited because it felt so hard and big in my hand. He was moaning so loudly and I never felt so alive before. When I saw the wetness coming out of him, it smelt so good so I started to lick him without him asking me to. At first he was stunned and was going to stop me but I asked him if I could. When he nodded I continued. It was the first time I saw someone cum but he did it himself while I watched.
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"Some days he would touch me too but not to the point to cum. He thought I was still too young to do that. We continued like that for a few months and then eventually I begged him to help me release and he did. I was so happy. When that had finally happened he began to further explore my body and when we would lie naked in his bed, kissing and touching he would massage my body including my butthole with oils. I loved how his fingers would feel inside of me and he actually fucked me like that at first. However on my 13th birthday, he made love to me for the first time. He never allowed us to go any further until I became a teenager.
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"He was always gentle, never rough and I think that's why I fell for him. He was 20 at the time and we remained secret lovers for the next few years. Then when he turned 23 he came and told me that he was going to enlist in the military. It was bittersweet because even though I would miss him, I was excited to learn about joining the army and fighting for our country. I was proud of him. The day before he left we had made love again and were lying on his bed. He told me to wait for him and he promised me that when I became 18 we would move in together and be together. His plan was to do two years inside and when he came back I would be an adult but it wasn't meant to be.
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"He was already inside for about a year when one of his colleagues caught him doing a hand job on himself while looking at a young picture of me. He always kept it with him. We were always so careful but that one night cost him his life. The guys branded him a pedophile and had beaten him to a pulp. He was rushed to the infirmary where they said he would never walk again. Eventually his parents had to take him out and he was discharged permanently. His supervisors told them what his 'charges' were so they banned me from seeing him. Feng had all his senses but physically he couldn't do anything. He cried for me every day and finally when his mother couldn't take it any longer, she allowed me to see him. She was thankful because he finally calmed down and was showing improvement.
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"I went to be with him every day after school and on the weekends. My parents thought I was being a good little 'doctor' for my good friend but they didn't know anything. I was thankful that his parents never told them either. They were just happy that their son was improving. Then late one night we got a call and I rushed over to be with him. His internal injuries finally caught up with him and he died in my arms. Before he left he made me promise him that I would live a good life and make my parents proud. He even asked me if I could look out for his parents too which I did until the day they both died."
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My dad was looking stronger now that he had told us about his own secret and he looked at his wife and cried out, "Oh Sangi I'm so sorry... I never told Lily but I can tell you that I am attracted to both men and women and I've had a few relationships with guys and girls in my past. When I met Lily I thought she was the most beautiful woman I ever met and I decided to settle with her. I have never been with a guy since I met Lily and now to find out that she was both male and female just makes me feel like I should've been more honest with her. Maybe we could've had a better relationship if we were truthful about our sexual past."
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Sangi came up to him and hugged him, "I am totally stunned and shocked about this but I know we will be okay."
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Huh? I looked at her and realised we were all staring at her waiting for her to say more. I thought she would've been angry or totally disappointed in him but when she said, "I love anal sex. I was just too afraid to tell you. I thought you would've thought I was some kind of freak or something..."
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"HUH?" All the men said in unison.
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Then she blushed as she gave us her secret story, "After my husband died, I lived a lonely life taking care of my parents. I was young but didn't get involved with anyone as I was totally dedicated to my mother and father so I read many-many books. I loved the erotic ones. I used to get them from a friend who lived in England. Whenever she visited she would bring the hottest books." Then she bent her head down a bit and said, "Whenever I read about something sexual, I would try it out with my own... ahem... adult toys..."
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My dad looked at her, "What do you mean?"
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Then Sangi lifted her head and blurted out, "I had a dildo and a few adult toys. Celine my friend would bring them in for me and I would please myself just like the characters in the books."
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I just had to ask, "Did Celine ever... ahem... help you fulfil any of those fantasies too?" I felt Jungkook's hand tapping me and I giggled at him. "What? I just want to know if she experimented with people too."
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"I think you're being too forward. That's something they should talk about privately," my Kookie whispered to me.
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My dad cleared his throat, "So true Jungkook but we're all comfortable and safe around each other and I would really like to know too." Then he looked at his wife and asked, "Well, did you?"
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Sangi blushed, "Well..." We were all off of our seats and totally eager to hear her next words. She laughed and said, "We did things to each other just to test the products."
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My dad seemed curious, "Really? What kinds of things and did you enjoy whenever you two did them?"
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Sangi shrugged and confessed, "Well we'd check to make sure I liked how the toy felt and she would show me how to use them properly. It was very enjoyable. Celine is bisexual and a bit of a dominant but she respected my decision." We all looked at her confused and she answered without us even asking, "She said she was attracted to me but I didn't have those kind of feelings for her. She's a good friend and whenever she visited, which wasn't very often, we... ahem... played with our toys." Then she got really red in the face. "The last time I saw her she bought a double strap-on. She wanted to test it out on me and it was... ahem...very nice."
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My dad looked at her in shock, "How long ago was that?"
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"Hmm... it was a long time ago. Maybe 10-12 years ago but we kept in touch via the internet. She moved from London to work in Dubai so it was difficult for her to keep on visiting and bring in any more toys but I had just enough to keep me occupied."
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My dad then cleared his throat, "Are you guys still friends?"
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"Yes..."
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My dad looked rather excited, "Well I think it's time you introduced me to your friend. How do you feel like going to Dubai for a little vacation?"
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"Ooohhhh..." I murmured, "And do you still have those toys they might come in handy," then I felt a harder tap this time on my ass from my lover. "Ouch... Jungkookie..."
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Sangi giggled, "Sounds like you two don't need toys at all. Jungkookie's hands are like a paddle in itself."
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All three of us opened our eyes wider and my dad grabbed onto her, "I think we need to rendezvous to our bedroom right now. Min-Min, Jungkook thank you both for coming but I think I need to have an important meeting with my wife right now," and he slapped her butt making a louder sound than Jungkook's. Wow!
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We laughed and waved goodbye to them but before we left my dad pulled me into his arms for a huge hug, "Thank you, my son for everything. I'm not going to make the same mistake I made with Lily with Sangi. We're going to be open about our feelings and about everything so our love could blossom even more."
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Jungkookie and I left them and all we could talk about in the car was the kind of interesting things my dad and Sangi would have with each other and also with Celine. "It seems as though my family's very open where sexual preferences are concerned. It's only Jin but I've never seen him with anyone: neither boy nor girl." Jungkook just nodded. Then I had to ask him, "Would you like that kind of sex though?"
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Jungkook grinned at me, "You mean the toys? Hell yes!"
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"No. I mean having someone else in the mix."
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"OH HELL NO!!!! No one is touching you or fucking you while I watch." Then he paused and I heard a little panic in his voice, "But would you like that? Do you want to have someone else have sex with us?"
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I was always honest with him so I put his fears to rest, "I was never into that kind of thing. I saw it many times at Tae's parties. I saw girls with girls, boys with boys and the orgies with anyone and everyone having sex with each other just wasn't my thing. I think I only watched to see what it was about but I didn't feel like joining in or anything like that."
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Jungkook breathe a sigh of relief and he admitted, "When Charlie told me to help you fulfil your fantasies to relieve your stress, I was praying that it wouldn't be too kinky. I would love doing new things with you, Jiminnie but absolutely no sharing. I'm possessive in a way."
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I caressed his ear and whispered to him, "No one has any claim to me except you. I am yours as you are mine."
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Jungkook stopped and parked the car to the side of the road. When I looked out we were just by our spot by the tree. This area was now our own but we would leave it like this so many other people could come and sit. It was empty and the day was almost up. The lights from the sky were a beautiful orange with purple hues. Jungkook got out of the car and came to my side. He opened the door and put his hand out to me. I looked up at him and smiled and then he said,
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"You are me and I am you. Come with me my love so we can claim each other again." And we did.
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