~A
There was no surprise my bed remained empty all through the night, cold and uncomfortably spacious. I knew what I'd face when I woke up at some point in the middle of the night, though I couldn't lie about the fact that I felt disappointed to find a gap by my side. Surrounded by the scent of him stuck to the pillow, I made a desperate attempt at going back to sleep. It didn't work, because soon enough I found myself constantly waking up every what felt like ten minutes until the first rays of sun began peeking into the room, leading me to give up on sleep and scroll through my phone instead in an effort to distract myself.
Being in this room by myself felt odd, because Niall's things were scattered all over the place as proof that he was here a few hours earlier. His journal was on the nightstand along with a severely beaten up copy of Bleak House he was halfway through reading. A shirt he was planning on wearing last night before he switched to the one he actually wore was hanging on the door handle to the bathroom. His forest green suitcase was pushed under the window, his clothes neatly folded inside. The hair wax he used to style his hair on the daily was onto the vanity, right next to my makeup bag along with his red metal lighter embossed with his initials. No matter where I turned, there were hints of his existence, reminding me of his absence.
That was the reason why I didn't wanna share a room with him, because all I could think about now was how I wished he was here. But simultaneously, I wasn't ready to face him. I wasn't ready to have the impending conversation. His past was a mystery to everyone that knew him now. The hint of it I faced yesterday was definitely not a good omen, and I wasn't sure I was mentally prepared to find out more. But knowing I was clueless and unaware to so many things wasn't ideal either. I was at a dead end, completely unsure over what my next move should be. Do I press for more? Or is it better if I just forget about it completely? Would he even be willing to tell me if I asked? And if he refused, could I keep trusting him?
Thinking about all of those things continuously ended in me having a pounding headache. So I chose to make a last effort at getting some sleep,which proved pointless, before I gave up completely and forced myself out of bed, deciding it was time for me to face my responsibilities for the day. Today's itinerary included a handful of short interviews before our last show here, which was honestly not ideal. I'd much rather do nothing all day. It was too late for me to go down for breakfast, so I just skipped the meal altogether and settled on having something later. Louis called to make sure I was up and let me know Gina and Maddie would be in my room in thirty minutes, so I unenthusiastically got ready.
I got up and went to the bathroom, first order of business being brushing my teeth. I tried pretending the second toothbrush didn't exist, not even sparing it a glance. I brushed and untangled my hair the best I could to make it easier for Maddie and washed my face thoroughly in the hopes I'd feel better. I didn't bother changing out of my pajamas yet.
Unexpectedly, my eye caught the clear bottle of his cologne sitting next mine onto the little glass shelf of the mirror. Stupidly, I picked the hefty bottle up and pulled the top off. I brought the sprayer up to my nose and inhaled deeply, getting an overwhelming amount of the familiar musky aroma that would always linger on his clothes, though the undertone of his natural scent was missing. I stared at myself in the mirror, slowly realising how ridiculous I was for standing in the middle of the bathroom, smelling his cologne. With a low huff, I closed it and took it along with me as I left the room, gathering all his stuff cluttering the bedroom to rid it of any proof that he had been staying here. I got his shirt, his journal and book, his phone charger, his hair wax, anything of his I could find out in the open and tossed them into his suitcase before zipping it shut. I hoped that the girls wouldn't even notice I had a piece of luggage that wasn't mine in my room. Once that was taken care of, I took the rest of the time I had to gather my own things, seeing as we were set to board the tour bus right after the show.
I ordered some tea, which arrived barely a few minutes before the girls got here, equipped in everything they needed to get me to look presentable. They sat me at the vanity and got started working on me simultaneously. Maddie tamed the unruly curls in my hair by turning them into voluminous waves as Gina brought some warmth to my sleep deprived face with brown shadows and bronzer. They chattered amongst themselves mostly, asking me a few questions about last night's outing. I limited the information on giving a vague description of the evening, skipping over the episode with the guy that approached me.
Halfway through their process, my stylist dropped in and helped me pick out the outfit for the day. I'd be on camera, so I needed to dress nicely, but not too formally. Yet, I needed to look put together. But overly complicated clothing was not something I was willing to deal with today, so I settled on a classic beige, plaid suit. The pops of red lines in the pattern made it interesting enough to not be too business-like, and I paired it with a white tank and white sneakers for comfort. I thanked all of them once we were done and gathered the few things I'd need through the day in a purse I slung over my shoulder.
I was supposed to meet Louis outside the hotel, where our driver would take us both to the first interview. I unenthusiastically made my way down to the ground floor and through the busy lobby, wishing I could've stayed in my room and do nothing instead. But this was my job, I reminded myself. A job I chose, I fought for for years. So I forced myself to be glad I had so many interviews booked today, thinking about all the exposure I'd get out of it. The thought definitively helped with my motivation, and I caught myself smiling as I walked out of the hotel. But that smile instantly dropped, my body going limp once I faced Louis. Specifically, who was standing beside him.
"What is he doing here?" I didn't even address Niall directly, staring at Louis instead. He smirked, crossing his arms over his chest as he squinted his eyes. His hat was creating a good enough shelter from the sun, so I knew he hadn't narrowed them out of discomfort.
"Good morning to you, too." He countered, not once breaking eye contact with me. I glared at him, taking cautious steps towards the two of them as they stood in front of the car. Niall showed his usual indifference, chewing on his gum as he hid behind his aviators, hair evidently unstyled and a bit messy. He had a dark blue Adidas T-shirt on, one that looked too snug to be his own. Apart from that, it looked awfully similar to the large collection of shirts from that brand Louis owned.
"I wasn't expecting we'd be a crowd." I gave both of them a pointed look. Louis rolled his eyes, already showcasing annoyance. Niall scoffed, turning his back to me as he opened the car door.
"I'll be in the car." He muttered before climbing in, leaving the door slightly open. I grabbed onto Louis' forearm and yanked him closer, catching him by surprise. I spoke quietly, hoping Niall wouldn't be able to hear our conversation.
"Answer my question, Tomlinson." No matter how harsh I was, I knew I'd never intimidate him. The light laugh he stifled was proof of that.
"Can you relax? He asked to come along this morning. I had no reason to tell him no. Plus, him being seen around you is great press." Louis mused, shaking my grip off before straightening out his sleeve.
"What if I didn't want him to be here, did you ever think of that?" I crossed my arms over my chest, nibbling on the inside of my mouth. Louis huffed at me, making a show of rolling his eyes yet again.
"You know you're being dramatic, right? He practically saved you last night. Why are you avoiding him?" I could definitely see Louis' point, could understand what he was telling me. But he didn't know the full story. He didn't know the guy used Niall's old name. He hadn't noticed all the little gaps in Niall's narrative when it came to his past, or the odd things he'd sometimes mention. He didn't know his sister and nephew were hidden from the world, how set he was on keeping them a secret as a form of protection.
"I'm not avoiding him." I defended, scoffing quietly.
"I was willing to talk with him last night, but he didn't even bother coming back to the room, so who's avoiding who." I smiled, pleased to have come up with that argument.
"I know, he slept on the couch in my room. He wasn't avoiding you, he just didn't wanna upset you." My jaw dropped, along with my arms that hung limp by my sides.
"He slept in your room?" I whisper-shouted, unable to actually picture what I was hearing. The two of them barely interacted apart from what was expected by an employer and employee. This was completely unexpected.
"Would you prefer he slept in the lobby?" Louis mused, smirking to himself.
No, I'd prefer it if he slept in my bed.
"Whatever, let's just get this over with." I pushed past him, yanking the car door open the rest of the way before sliding in. I didn't think this through, because that led me to sharing the backseat with Niall. He only spared me a glance before going back to his phone, and I limited myself to the edge of the seat. Louis, as usual sat in the front, making casual conversation with the driver as he took us to our first destination, a radio interview.
It was like any other radio show I've done, and I made a great effort to make it look like I was actually having fun. The questions were boring, the interviewer was slightly misogynistic, and the overall environment wasn't the best. Louis and Niall lingered behind the glass of the radio booth, listening the whole time. I tried to ignore them, though I realised after a while my eyes constantly tried to peek at Niall.
The second interview was thankfully only a ten minute drive away, and even though we had to get through a couple paparazzi to get in, it was a lot better. This time I was sat in front of the camera, pulling out pieces of paper from a hat that were filled with questions. It wasn't as bad, and I did have some fun joking around with the crew behind the camera.
Next up was my favourite interview that far. I was sat at a desk behind a computer, getting to watch videos of people covering my songs. I was amazed by the talent I faced, and I even teared up at someone's vulnerable cover of Teen Idle, reminding me of the person I was when that song was born. Though very close to it, I managed to not cry in front of the camera. Niall knew, though, that I was holding back tears, and didn't miss the opportunity to follow after me when I went to visit the bathroom to try and get ahold of myself before leaving for the next interview.
I jumped once I stepped out of the room, unexpectedly finding him leaning against the wall by the door, hands in his pockets and glasses folded onto his shirt. Louis', I had confirmed. The strangled yelp escaping me once I saw him there made him chuckle, his lips curling into a crooked smile.
"Jesus, can you stop doing that?" I groaned, my hand on my chest as I walked past him.
"Doing what?" He mused, his footsteps echoing behind me until he was walking by my side.
"Appearing out of nowhere, scaring me all the time."
"Didn't mean to, princess. Just wanted to make sure you were okay." The amusement in his tone was beginning to annoy me. He was acting like yesterday didn't even happen, like this was a day like any other.
"Don't call me that." I warned, giving him a side glare as I kept walking, picking up my step. He didn't fall behind for even a second, matching my stride perfectly.
"Lex, why are you running away from me?" I swallowed hard at his question, though didn't dare slowing down.
"I'm not. I just don't wanna leave Louis waiting. He gets groggy when he's waiting." Catching me off guard, he got ahold of my wrist and held me back as he stopped, making me face him. I held my breath, suddenly taken back to the beginning of it all, where any form of small physical touch would make my whole body freeze.
"Five minutes won't make a difference. Come on, I just wanna talk." He was smiling through the words, his easiness giving away that he hadn't realised how affected I really was by last night's events. I yanked my hand out of his grip, something he clearly didn't expect as he looked down at the motion momentarily, his smile dropping as his brows creased together in confusion.
"You wanna talk? Fine. Let's start with who the hell that was last night." I gritted my teeth, arms crossed over my chest in a determined stance, face emotionless and even a bit harsh. His only reaction was to huff, which only managed to annoy me more.
"You tell me, you're the one that was flirting with him in front of my face." I instantly knew that this was a diversion, that he was making an attempt to cover up the truth yet again. I narrowed my eyes at him, trying to read through the pretend indifference he was showcasing as he held his head high in pride like always, refined jawline sharp as he clenched his jaw slightly.
"Who I'm flirting with is none of your business. But that should be the least of your worries when someone threatens me by using your name, Nikolai." I spat, glaring up at him. He tried to hide it, but I could still tell he was affected in some way by what I said. Maybe he hadn't realised up until that point that I knew the guy wasn't just some random drunk in a club trying to get a girl to leave with him, willingly or not. Niall's relaxed demeanour faltered for just a second, a muscle in his jaw ticking before he swallowed hard.
"What did he say to you?" His tone was far from the amused one he used earlier, cold and emotionless.
"Does it matter?" I rolled my eyes, picking up my step again with the intent of leaving this stuffy corridor and go back to Louis waiting outside the building. Without missing a beat, he followed my lead and kept a steady pace beside me.
"Lex, tell me what he said to you." He repeated, making it clear that he wouldn't take no for an answer by the threatening undertone. I gave him a side glance, my stare harsh as I grew more and more aggravated with him.
"I'll tell you if you tell me who it was. Why he knew your real name." Niall looked ahead, his brows furrowed in what I could only assume was deep thought or contemplation. I hoped he'd tell me, I hoped he'd finally explain all the things that didn't make sense to me. Like the reason he seemed to had fled the country, the reason his sister was tucked away and hidden from the world, the reason he had changed his entire identity and cut all ties, the reason his old friend, Valeria, had asked him to run.
Instead of any of that, Niall picked up the speed of his steps once we rounded the corner, quickly covering the distance towards the glass door of the exit across the lobby. Defeated, I kept looking at his back as he walked away, making my way towards the same direction where Louis was waiting.
This time around, Louis was the one to share the backseat with me. I didn't know whose decision that was, but Niall didn't even bother turning around once from the front seat during the half hour drive to our next destination, during which we had our lunch for the day.
It was our last interview, which was definitely a big relief. Once in the tall building, we were led to a studio on the seventh floor. I quickly met the director before being introduced to the person that was interviewing me. I walked into the set, towards the velvet blue settee like I was instructed to. Before I sat, I was introduced to Melissa, taking a second to carefully examine her as I introduced myself back and shook her hand.
She was definitely a girl that could easily get anyone's attention, with her vibrant emerald eyes, honey brown hair, tan skin and hourglass figure, she sure had all of my attention. And it was the first interview of the day I was actually happy to be at. She sat across from me on an oval white armchair and asked me about my day while the crew set up the last few things. On top of good looking, she seemed nice as well, which led me to have a smile on my face during our brief talk before the director announced we were ready for filming. I looked around for Louis, the smirk on his face once he met my eyes giving away that he knew I had found a certain interest in the girl across from me. I ignored him, inevitably glancing at Niall as he stood by Louis' side. With his arms crossed over his chest, he was back to showcasing zero emotion onto his face as he watched me.
Concentrating on what I came here to do, I leaned back in my plush chair and crossed one leg over the other as Melissa began the interview, talking to the camera in a perky, lively voice with a hint of a southern accent before she addressed me with the first question. I didn't miss how she was sitting up straighter, accentuating her chest as a result. The low neckline of her blouse made it almost impossible to not glance down at her cleavage, something I didn't know if she took notice of. But maybe the little sly smile she gave me meant that she did.
I resisted the urge to gaze at her figure again, focusing on the jewel tones of her eyes instead as she asked me about the tour, about my album and about potential new music. Louis had set a strict no dating questions to all of our interviewers today, so she didn't even go there. Instead, she focused more on learning some facts about me and mostly my daily routines, my likes and dislikes. She'd giggle at my jokes, relaxed in her own chair angularly facing my own. At some point during the interview, she waved over a staff member.
"Before we let you go, we're gonna have you play a game with us." She chirped, the guy handing her two round paddles. She leaned over and passed one to me.
"I definitely like playing games." I commented, my tone the tiniest bit flirty like it had been through the whole interview. She seemed to respond to it, which gave me the confidence to keep doing it. I was aware through the whole thing that Niall's eyes were on me, and that he was probably not happy to see flirt with her given the fact that he knew I was attracted to women as well.
"Yeah? Are you a team player?" She rose a thick dark brow, returning the smile I gave her. I glanced down at the paddle, quickly turning it around to see the word Never printed on one side. I Have on the other. That was enough of an indication to show what game we were playing.
"I can be if I want." I shrugged my shoulders, looking back up at her. She chuckled, glancing down at her cards as she smiled to herself.
"Alright then, I'm sure you're familiar with the rules of Never Have I Ever. I'm gonna read a question, and we both have to respond honestly whether we've done the thing or not by holding up the puddle." She quickly explained to me and the camera, urging the online audience that will see this in probably a few days time to play along. I prepared myself, rearranging the way I was sitting on the chair and folding one leg under me to get comfortable.
"Okay, we'll start off easy. Never have I ever snuck out of the house as a teenager." I compressed a laugh, twisting around the puddle to have sure I held it right before lifting it with the green I Have side toward the camera. Melissa was holding up the opposite red side, lifting her brows in surprise once she saw my response.
"Really? Were you a rebellious teenager?" She asked. I nibbled on the inside of my mouth. I couldn't really admit I'd sneak out of the house so my father wouldn't be able to take me with him to the club. I couldn't really admit I'd hide in Harry'sroom without his mother knowing instead of swing around the pole for men double my age to ogle at.
"Well I definitely didn't make it easy for my parents." I nervously chuckled, placing the puddle on my lap as I cleared my throat. She went on to say she had never left her house in secret, explaining to me how she was too scared to get caught. I nodded along with a polite smile.
"Alright, next question. Never have I ever gotten black out drunk." She lightly laughed once she was done, quickly holding out the green side. I joined her by doing the same, my good mood returning with the more lighthearted question.
"I mean, have you actually been clubbing to LA if you haven't gotten wasted?" She pondered, shrugging her shoulders.
"It's mandatory." I agreed, tapping my nails on the handle of the paddle as I watched her look for her next question, not even trying to hide the fact that I was checking her out anymore.
"Ah, this is a naughty one." She smirked, looking up at me through her thick lashes. I perked up, supporting my weight on the arm of the chair as I leaned forward a bit.
"Never have I even joined the mile high club." She proudly announced, looking at me expectantly without reaching for her puddle. I internally cursed, slowly turning the puddle to show off the green side. She dramatically gasped, covering her mouth with her hand.
"Okay, so you're bold. Good to know." She commented, holding up the red side. Slightly embarrassed, I looked past the cameras and crew to Louis, watching as realisation dawned on him that the person I've done it with was the one next to him. I watched the disgust in his face as he glanced between Niall and me. Niall, on the other hand, was determined to keep up his emotionless front, even looking bored as he stood with his hands in his pockets, the long strands of his hair curling lightly into a wave as it fell over his forehead. I tore my gaze from him before I lingered too long, focusing back on Melissa as she got ready for her next question.
"Never have I ever been in handcuffs." She rose her brows, clearly taken aback from it as she looked up at me. With a hint of a smile on my face, I held up the green side at the same time she held up the red. Her jaw dropped once she saw my response.
"Have you been arrested?" She questioned.
"Nope." I shook my head, taking notice of the rosiness beginning to form on her cheeks. One swift glance at Louis was enough for me to see he was disgusted, his face all scrunched up as he took a step away from Niall, who didn't really look that happy to be here.
"Alright then, moving on before I get more flustered." Melissa chuckled as she flipped to her next card, announcing to me that this was her last question.
"Never have I ever made the first move." I scoffed in amusement, instantly holding up the green side. Once again, she held up the red. She stared at me in amazement, thick brows raised in surprise.
"Really? The Lex Rose has had to make the first move?" I lightly laughed at her question, setting the paddle on my lap and interlacing my hands over it.
"Yeah, plenty of times. Sometimes you just get tired of waiting for the other person." I shrugged.
"How do you do it then? How do you make the first move?" She asked, clearly interested as she supported her elbow on her knee, leaning forward. I was tempted to look down her blouse again, but I didn't.
"Depends. If we're out with other people, I'll usually just flirt. If I see someone I like in a crowd of a club for example, I'll usually buy them a drink."
"Wow, good for you. No one's ever bought me a drink at a club." What she told me had me in surprise. I was finding it hard to believe a girl like her didn't have a handful of guys going after her every time she'd go out. Maybe American guys weren't as bold, or even as obnoxiously self assured as English ones were.
"I'll buy you a drink then, help you change that." I smiled, putting my charm into it. She blushed, pressing a hand to her chest as she fanned herself with the paddle. If it wasn't obvious until that point, the fact that I had been shamelessly flirting with her was clear now, and I was sure what would follow would be an extensive amount of fan edits of me just ogling her the entire time. My attraction to women, though never addressed in any public form, was no secret to my fans. And they never missed the opportunity to point out the fact that I was flirting with someone.
"You hear that mom? Lex Rose just offered to buy me a drink." She joked to the camera, lightly laughing. I joined her, smiling as the interview wrapped up. I checked on Louis as Melissa briefly talked about my album and urging the audience to check it out.
Louis was smiling back, which was probably a hint that he was happy with how the interview went. Me flirting with the interviewer would create a buzz, and he was always one to take up a publicity opportunity. I looked next to him, around him, behind him, but Niall was suddenly nowhere to be found. Louis shrugged at me once he realised I was looking for him. I focused back on Melissa as she thanked me and got up, offering me a hug that I accepted and stood by her side, my hand ghosting over her waist as she had hers draped over my shoulders, waving goodbye at the camera. And once the director announced the end of filming, she hugged me again and thanked me for being so fun to talk with. In all honesty, I wasn't really paying attention to what she was telling me as I thanked her back. I quickly went to Louis looking for answers as I subconsciously kept looking around for Niall.
"Where is he?" I asked exasperated once I realised he was nowhere in the room. Louis smirked, raising a brow.
"What's got you all agitated? Didn't you have fun canoodling with that girl?" He mused, glancing at her as she spoke to the director. I scoffed at Louis, crossing my arms over my chest.
"Where is he Tomlinson?" I repeated, teeth gritted in annoyance. He rolled his eyes, sighing dramatically.
"He went out to smoke. Pretty sure it was an excuse to get away from your flirt fest." He chuckled to himself, having way too much fun over this. I was about to give him a piece of my mind when Melissa walked over, reluctantly cutting in and apologising for it. Louis stepped back, having a stupid smile on his face as he watched her turn to me.
"So, I don't know if you were serious or not, and I might be completely embarrassing myself, but I'd really like to have a drink with you if you have time." I stared at her in slight disbelief, partly admiring her boldness. Me from a couple months ago would probably not even think twice about taking a beautiful girl out. But there was a heaviness in my chest, a drying in my throat that didn't make it feel right.
"You're not embarrassing yourself at all, but unfortunately I don't have any free time today and we leave right after the show." I tried to be polite about declining her, not really showing I didn't feel comfortable going out with her.
"Oh, of course. I'm sorry if I put you on the spot." She nervously chuckled, about to walk away. I reached for her arm before she could, smiling softly at her.
"You didn't. I'm sorry I won't be able to take you. Louis!" I called out, looking past Melissa to him. Caught off guard, he looked up from his phone as he stood a few steps away, out of earshot.
"Do you think we can get Melissa two complimentary tickets for tonight's show?" Louis huffed in exasperation before nodding, most likely fed up with me always making him get people free tickets.
"Really?" She looked at me in shock. I chuckled, nodding as I placed a hand on her shoulder briefly.
"It's the least I could do. Thank you for a fun interview." I signalled at Louis to get going. Stuffing his phone back in his pocket, he nodded as I waved goodbye at Melissa, a wide grin of gratitude as she smiled back.
We left the building shortly after. I was at least expecting Niall to be waiting by the car to go to the venue, but he wasn't there either. His absence, rather than disappointed, had me agitated. Was he so immature he really couldn't handle seeing me flirt with someone I had no plan of actually pursuing? He had no right to be jealous at all. Not about Melissa, not about the guy yesterday, not about Harry.
Louis' amusement over my sour face was evident throughout the whole drive, but I did my best to ignore him to avoid blowing up on him. No, the only one hearing a piece of my mind would be the sole person that has caused my anger.
I finally found him at the venue, leaning against a wall at the corridor leading to my dressing room. He had his phone pressed to his ear, talking without even acknowledging me and Louis approaching. I told Louis he could go ahead without me and that I'd be there to get ready soon, grasping the opportunity to steal a few minutes alone with Niall. Louis smirked to himself, looking at us over his shoulder before disappearing behind the door of the dressing room a few steps away.
Though I was standing right in front of him, Niall kept talking on the phone. The knuckles of his left hand he was using to hold it were bruised in a dark red shade, probably from the fight last night. His use of Russian gave away that he was most likely talking to his sister, his tone softer than usual. His sunglasses were still over his eyes even if he was indoors, hiding his gaze from me. It was only about a minute later, when he ended the call that he took them off.
"Can I help you?" He asked, pushing himself off the wall as he hung the sunglasses onto the neckline of his shirt. I realised he had changed it to one of his, a plain white T-shirt.
"Yeah, by telling me why you left like that earlier." I folded my arms over my chest, chewing on the inside of my mouth. He huffed to himself, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his cream slacks.
"I didn't feel like staying to watch." He walked past me before he was even done speaking, his arm nudging my shoulder back pointedly as he did so. I wanted to laugh at how childish his move was, but was more focused on my irritation as I followed after him, paying no attention to my surroundings as we entered the dressing room.
"You do realise that was stupid, right? Are you really that easily affected by me flirting with someone?" That finally got his attention, making him turn around to face me.
"I couldn't ever expect you to understand." He spat back. Clenching my jaw I bitterly laughed.
"Oh, I think I understand just fine." Mockery dripped from my tone, which was most likely his last straw.
"You know how I feel about it Lex! You know I hate seeing you flirt with other people!" The sudden raise in his voice caught me off guard, but I wasn't one to get intimidated by something like that. Not anymore.
"And I've told you before that it's none of your business!" I shot back, my hands fisted by my sides. Taking a step back, he pushed a hand through his hair in aggravation.
"That doesn't mean I can just sit by and watch you! I know it's none of my business, I know it doesn't matter how I feel about it, I know you want nothing else from me! It doesn't mean I'm fine with it because I accept it!" I flinched back at how harshly he spoke, a tone I haven't heard him use since the days we'd fight on the regular. My throat dried up at his outburst. Deep down, I knew he wasn't fine with what we had, I just never expected he'd admit it out loud.
"Why do you even care if I flirt?" I shot back, my voice almost breaking. Niall gulped, chewing on his bottom lip without giving me an answer.
"Uh, guys?" The third voice sounding from the short distance captured my attention, making me turn to the small lounge area of the room.
The voice belonged to Ty, but a quick scan over the two sofas had me dreadfully discovering that he wasn't the only one witnessing this conversation. Everyone was there. The band, my getting ready team, even my tour management, curious eyes stuck to us. And it was absolutely idiotic of me to allow for such a conversation to happen in a public space. But it was too late to salvage this now. Everyone knew.
He was no longer just mine.
"Is this really happening?" Perrie wondered out loud, desperately looking around the room.
"Ha! I was right!" Leigh clapped her hands, smiling in victory. Duncan, looking as relieved as ever that the secret was out only a day after he had found out himself, laughed quietly, round cheeks flushed red.
"How did this happen? They hate each other." The confusion in Jillian's voice was accompanied with dread, embarrassment even as she realised she had unknowingly been pining after a guy that was focused on someone else. I felt for her, but I couldn't say I wasn't just a tad bit glad that she now knew Niall and I had something going on.
"Well, you know what they say. There's a very fine line separating hate from love." Louis smirked, shrugging his shoulders as he stood with his hands pressed at the back of one of the couches. Perrie, sat right in front of him, turned around and knelt on the sofa as she pointed an accusing finger at him.
"You! Sneaky, conniving smart little weasel. You knew all along, didn't you?" Louis rolled his eyes at her, but I was more focused on Niall's sudden storming out of the room to pay attention to his response. Avoiding looking at anyone in the hopes of being spared from further questions, I went to the bathroom. I didn't need to use it, so I sat on the closed lid of the toilet and rubbed my temples, breathing slowly to calm myself down and wrap my head around what had just happened.
There was no covering this up. Niall and I were no longer a secret, and I was not ready to deal with the consequences of people knowing.
•••
I looked forward to isolate myself in my bunk after a train wreck of a show. None of us were really as concentrated as we should, making mistakes and getting lost like we were a bunch of rookies doing their first live show. It was an embarrassment, and I knew people were bound to talk about it tomorrow. But I couldn't think about that too, so I chose not to.
We went to the hotel after the show solely so that we could gather our things. I didn't miss how Niall's suitcase was already absent when I went to my room. With only one stop left on my part of the tour, I was relieved I'd get to go home in the next few days.
Louis stuck by my side when we boarded the tour bus, sending warning looks to anyone who even thought about approaching to ask a question. Incredibly grateful, I gave him a smile and promised him a killer birthday present.
In usual fashion, Duncan suggested we all watched a movie before each would depart to go to bed. Normally, I'd be one to join, always enjoying watching a film with the band and commenting on every little thing happening on screen along with Ty and Perrie, only to be told off by Louis and Leigh who just wanted to focus on the dialogue on screen. But tonight the last thing I wanted was to be around any of them. It wasn't their fault, I just couldn't bring myself to sit in a room knowing everyone's mind was preoccupied with one specific thing.
Niall, like most of the time, had disappeared into the depths of the bus from the moment he stepped inside, vanishing like a cloud of smoke before anyone could even realise. I was starting to understand why he preferred his solitude.
I gave everyone a half assed excuse of not feeling well and said goodnight before departing the common room, taking with me a water bottle. I left my things at my bunk and took my pajamas to change in the bathroom, ignoring the reading light that was on at the bottom right bunk at the very back. I kept quiet, trying to be undetected as I returned to my bunk and got ready for bed, digging out my book and AirPods as I got under the covers. I put on some music and opened the copy of the memoir I was reading to the page I had left off, deciding to put my focus on the printed words and hoping the music would help drown out every thought.
But that only lasted for a chapter or two, my brain finding it hard to keep up with what I was reading after that, the music becoming pesky. So I stopped it, closed my book and put everything away before deciding it was a better option to just go to sleep. I turned my flimsy little light off and rolled on my side, my back towards the curtain separating me from the outside world where I could hear hints of voices and laughter. I had a restless sleep last night, so I hoped tonight I'd be able to make up for it.
Unable to get comfortable after a couple of minutes, I rolled on my other side in the hopes of finally finding relaxation. When that failed, I rolled onto my stomach, a position I usually found most comfortable. When that didn't work either, I was starting to worry sleep wouldn't be an option for me tonight either. And it was infuriating, because I could feel how tired my body was, my energy drained from the back to back interviews and live show. My muscles felt sore, my shoulders were tense, my feet hurt from the heeled boots I wore on stage. I contemplated going on my phone in an attempt to distract myself and tire my eyes out, but that hadn't worked last night. I had a feeling it wouldn't today either. And it was so aggravating, wanting to just rest but my body and mind refusing to let me, instead focusing on things that didn't matter, on someone I shouldn't care about.
But I couldn't stop from thinking of how warm Niall felt when he'd let me lay on his chest, how comforting his presence was to me whenever I'd be the one to hold him, witnessing a fragile side of him I was the only witness to. How full my heart felt when we'd lay there together, his hand mindlessly playing with my hair while he'd hum random tunes to himself he made up on the spot, melodies that sounded like the sweetest lullaby.
I've barely gotten to see him today, barely talked to him. And the limited time that I had, it was a fight. I hated it. I hated feeling like he was slipping away, I hated being stuck in a tiny bunk bed by myself. And I hated that horrible, nauseating void I felt in my chest. So much so that I could feel myself getting angry again. All rational thought must had left my mind, because I found myself kicking the thin blanket away a couple seconds. The curtain was yanked to the side, and my feet were in contact with the floor right after.
I had no idea how much time had gone by, but I could still hear everyone in the common room. I walked the other way, towards the back of the bus where I no longer saw any light creeping through the velvet curtain like I did before. I didn't let that stop me, crouching down as I pulled the soft fabric back enough to peek inside the confined space, facing a bare back covered in intricate lines of ink. Slowly, Niall rolled onto his side to look at me, hair damp from the shower. Giving me a once over, he scrunched his brows in confusion. Though he was in the darkness, I could tell he hadn't been sleeping.
"What do you want?" He huffed, clearly annoyed to be disrupted of his peace and quiet. Keeping my face blank and indifferent, I pushed the curtain back more.
"Shut up and move over." Carefully, I crawled into the bunk. Niall moved back to make room for me, his lips barely curling into a smile as he lifted the blanket covering his legs for me to get into.
"Why are you here? I thought you were mad at me." He watched me carefully as I slipped into his bed, laying on my side facing him, our chests almost pressed together.
"I am, but you can't sleep without me." I smirked to myself, failing miserably at keeping up the angry act. His smile only spread, becoming an actual soft, crooked grin.
"Is that right? I'm the one that can't sleep without you?" I scoffed at the teasing in his tone, lifting myself up on my elbow.
"If I recall correctly, you've said the pressure of me sleeping on your chest helps with your insomnia. If I'm wrong and you don't need me I can just leave." I shrugged, reaching for the curtain. To my relief, he got ahold on my hand and pulled it away from the fabric before I even touched it.
"Didn't say I don't need you, petal. I just hoped you'd finally admit you need me too." He muttered, all amusement and teasing gone from his voice. He held onto my wrist, his thumb running along my skin. Goosebumps rose along my entire arm at the soft contact, something that should've alarmed me and made me pull my hand away. But instead, my body gravitated towards him more.
"Maybe I do." I reluctantly answered, my throat feeling dry and scratchy at my admittance. His gaze softened as he sighed deeply, placing his hands on my waist. I let him move me around and pull me on top of him as he laid on his back, positioning us in the only way we could sleep somewhat comfortably in the small space we were in. And once my head was on his warm chest, once his arms were draped over my back as he pulled the blanket over us and his natural aroma overtook my senses, I finally felt me body giving in and my muscles untensing.
I melted into him, surrendered all my defences in a matter of seconds. The steady, fast beat of his heart echoed in my ear, the rise and fall of his chest moving me gently. I moved just barely, finding the perfect place to sleep in by burying my face into the crook of his neck, worn cologne and a hint of a shampoo scent overtaking my senses in the way I knew that they would, in a way I desperately craved.
"Comfy?" He chuckled, his chest vibrating just barely at the act. I hummed, tracing the thin chain around his neck as I felt my breathing slowing down. I was too comfortable to think of anything except from the sweet sleep I could feel slowly looming over me. But Niall clearly had things to say, and the low sound of his hushed voice stopped me from slipping under the spell of sleep.
"Look, I'm sorry about everything that happened since yesterday. Can we just forget about it all and go back to normal?" I pried my eyes open, staring at the netting at the side of his bunk. His journal was there, along with his black notebook and a couple of pencils. Talking about the events of last night and this afternoon would definitely lead to both of our agitation and possibly more fights. I knew he wasn't entirely content with what we had even before he admitted it out loud. There was no point in talking about it. And the guy from last night, I was starting to have a feeling it was better for me to not know who he really was, or how he knew Niall.
"I think that's the best we can do, Nikki." I smirked to myself, letting my eyes fall closed again. His chest sank significantly as he sighed.
"You're enjoying getting on my nerves, don't you?" He pointed out, referring to me using a nickname he had told me time and time again he wasn't that fond of. But I liked it, and I liked knowing something about him no one else did in this bus. If I couldn't have us be a secret anymore, at least I had that. I lightly laughed to myself, moving my head just barely as I nodded.
"Its' a cute name. I don't understand your dislike towards it." I mused, my breath getting caught in my throat once he cupped my cheek in his palm.
"It's starting to grow on me." I could tell he was smiling, tracing a knuckle my cheekbone. His skin didn't have its usual softness, catching me off guard. I remembered the fight, the bruses he was left with. I pulled his hand away and turned it over, lifting my head from his neck as I examned the severely irritated skin on the outside of his hand. I gulped at the realisation that he could had gotten severely injured last night, and I was too busy being mad at him to even think about that.
"Did you get hurt last night?" I asked, though I had a feeling he wouldn't admit to it if he had. The low chuckle he let out made me believe that I had guessed right.
"Nothing to worry about. I caused a lot more pain than I got myself." He boasted, smiling at me. I didn't doubt that he did, but there was no way he got away without even the slightest of injuries. He wouldn't tell me though, so I didn't try asking again. Instead, I held onto his hand and brought it close to my mouth. He watched me, his lips slightly parting as I pressed a gentle kiss onto his bruised knuckles, following it up with another one on a different spot. He didn't pull his hand away, breathing slowly as his other hand rested on the small of my back from under my shirt. I couldn't even begin to explain to anyone how much relief our moment together brought me, how much I missed it, how scared I was that I'd never get to have this closeness, this vulnerability with him. With a final kiss, I let his hand go, leaning down to place a chaste kiss on his lips. He didn't miss the opportunity to pull me closer, holding onto the side of my face as he kissed me back softly, tenderly, his lips making slow movements against my own. I breathed him in, surrendered myself completely like I always did when it came to him
"Do you still wanna go on a date with me after the tour?"I muttered into the kiss, catching both of us off guard. I didn't actually think about it before making that question, which had my heart beating erratically. He pulled back just barely, enough to break the kiss and look up at me as I hovered above him.
"If that's something you'd like." He cautiously responded, trying to hide his surprise. I nodded, subconsciously leaning into his touch as he massaged my scalp.
"I've given it some thought, and I'm willing to try it." He softly smiled, and I could practically see the relief in his eyes just for a moment before it was gone again, replaced by the cool and unbothered exterior he always portrayed.
"Then we can go when we're back in London. Is there a specific place you'd like to go?" I rose a brow at his question. I've never had someone ask me where I'd like to go on a date. But since the day I met him, that quiet, confident and aggravating presence, he never failed to surprise me. I took a moment to think about it, looking down at my fingertips as they mindlessly traced his collarbone. His hand never stopped massaging the side of my head, his warm palm firmly pressed to the soft skin of my back.
"The studio." Both his brows quirked up, and he looked at me like I had lost my mind. I didn't blame him. I knew it was an odd request, but I couldn't help myself. My mind -and voicenotes- had been overflowing with ideas, with melodies and lyrics begging to be made into songs. I needed to get in the studio and put then to use somehow, or just try them out and discard them completely.
"You wanna go to the studio and work on our actual date? Don't get me wrong, but that doesn't really scream romance." He chuckled quietly, wrapping both arms around my shoulders. I found that as an opportunity to tuck my head back into his neck, savouring the feel of his body pressed to mine in such a comforting, pure way.
I haven't felt like that since Evelyn.
I haven't wanted to hold someone so close, to feel everything they felt, to give everything that I had, everything that I was to them without any inhibitions, without wanting anything back since her. It should've scared me to death, should've made me run as far from him as I could.
Instead, I nuzzled my face into his neck more and breathed him in.
"What would you have us do then if you had free rein?" I let my eyes fall closed, his shoulders moving from under me as he shrugged. I expected him to respond immediately, but he stayed silent. I took that as the end of the conversation, but I was proven wrong just a couple seconds later, when he started talking in a hushed, soft tone as his hand stroked the back of my head.
"I'd probably take you somewhere quiet, somewhere where we could truly be alone. I'd pick you up from your house with flowers and those taffy chocolates you love so much. I'd be a gentleman, opening the door for you and offering to hold your hand. And when I drove you back to your house, I'd kiss you goodnight." The vulnerability in his voice had my throat drying up. He sounded so broken, making it sound like it was an unreachable dream when it was something so simple. My heart was beating fast against his chest, and I was sure he could feel it. Though beautiful, what he hadin mind was too much for me. Too intimate. Too serious. I couldn't take quite a leap yet. I opened my eyes, suddenly feeling tense again.
"I have some ground rules." He huffed at my words, his chest vibrating.
"Of course you do." All vulnerability was gone, replaced by forced amusement. Pushing a hand on his chest, I sat up to be able to look down at him. His hands fell to my sides, fidgeting with the loose shirt I was wearing.
"No more getting jealous." He but the inside of his mouth, uncertainty clouding the cobalt shade of blue I've found myself growing fond of. Nevertheless he spelt nodded.
"Okay."
"No expectations." I went on, watching him carefully as he sighed deeply. It took him a second, but he nodded again.
"Fine." He agreed, his gaze never dropping mine. I bit my lip as I thought about my last rule, my pulse loud in my ears.
"No getting attached." I stated, knowing damn well I was being a hypocrite, a filthy liar. Because I was already attached. We spent one night apart, and all I could think about was how uncomfortably empty my bed was without him there. I could see it in his eyes that he didn't believe me for a second that I'd be able to stick to that rule, but he didn't say anything. Instead, he pulled me down and pressed his soft lips against mine in a gentle kiss.
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Hope you guys don't mind I've been taking longer to update lately. I'll try to not take as long for next time. I have some exciting things planned that I can't wait to share with you!
Thanks for reading!
~M