G I A V A N N A A M A T O
Grief is the type of suffering no one should ever go through.
The thoughts of losing my loved ones haunt me all the time.
It happened. But not to someone I loved. To someone I once loved.
However, I still suffer the mourning of that person. I don't know why.
Grief feels like a weighted blanket pulling you from life.
Pulling your heart tightly so it doesn't see light again.
Pulling your emotions to tangle within each other.
It's horrible.
You don't die.
You suffer with the news of that one person dying.
It's like you are locked up. and never will get out, because you won't see that person ever again.
It's hell.
And I'm stuck inside of it.
Now, I've revived back into reality. But I wouldn't say revived. I'm still in so much remorse.
A pain sits in my heart. The pain deepens more every time I think about it.
Sebastien is dead.
And I'm still alive.
I feel like I've betrayed him.
But I shouldn't.
Sebastien was the first real love of mine. I was obsessed. Addicted.
But I quickly drifted without thought once I was told of what he was planning to do with me.
Sell me.
But he was made to do that.
By Adrian.
He still had a small place in my heart.
"GIAVANNA FUCKING AMATO! STOP GRIEVING OVER SEBASTIEN'S DEATH! HES A COCKY MAN. GET UP NOW!" A roar fills my ears, sensing me out of my grieving thoughts and back to real life.
My head pivots the right side of my bed to the scene of Marcelo looking angry as ever.
He is angry? really.
"Did I faint?" My voice croaks: however, I know the answer. Of course, I fainted. My body couldn't handle the bitter death of my ex-boyfriend.
"Yeah." Marcelo replies with a much calmer tone than before, "Lucas had the doctor in, so you're okay, plus you have only been asleep for around two hours." He looks at the watch displayed on his wrist.
"Right, thanks." I heave all my body weight up so I'm sitting against the headboard of the bed.
"Sorry not sorry for the shouting. You shouldn't be mourning his death. You know what he did to you and if Lucas sees your mourning it anymore, he will go insane. He killed Sebastien for you." He speaks the last sentence with a crucial tone.
He killed Sebastien for you.
He killed Sebastien for you.
He killed Sebastien for you.
Or maybe He doesn't like the idea of Sebastien wanting me.
"I have to go, but please don't fucking mourn that man's death. He deserved it." Marcelo spits as he slams the bedroom door behind him.
I rotate my eyes in anger, then pause.
Fuck it.
I need it.
There is no easy way around this complication.
I have to.
My mind thought I had stopped my addiction, but my heart and mouth disagrees a lot.
I need it when I need it.
I need it now.
I crave it.
I will get it.
My legs heave over the side of my bed, and I run out my bedroom door.
My feet descend down the marble stairs and down the hallway to be met with the entrance of the kitchen doors.
A smile lifts on my face.
I need this pain to be over.
Since this is the 'safe house', there is alcohol here.
My fingers swing open the cupboard doors, making them bang, and my clammy palms connect with the Jack Daniels bottle that sat there.
My heart beats faster.
I can finally be free. I haven't had this in days.
I'm listening to my body.
Adrenaline of excitement shoots through my veins.
"Giavanna."
It's just my head stopping me.
I can do this.
I need to do this.
"Giavanna."
I want to do this, I know it.
My mind won't stop me.
"Giavanna Amato."
My body tenses once I feel a presence close behind me. Nearly touching me.
Lucas.
Fuck.
That wasn't my mind speaking. It was him.
I feel the weight of my bottle lift upon my hands as Lucas takes it from me.
I pivot my body around to face his.
"Luc-"
He presses his index finger presses on my mouth, making me lose my words.
His large, muscular body steps closer. Making only around a five-centimetre space between us.
Tension fills those centimetres.
A weird tension. I can't describe it because I've never felt it before. But it feels like we are about to do something that shouldn't be done. We continue to stare inside of each other without saying anything, since the atmosphere is telling it for us.
My eyes don't move from his as his fingers skim across my bare legs.
The movement excites me. But it shouldn't.
He has my attention. He enjoys it.
He leaves a trail of his presence upon my legs as he moves to my waist.
We never spoke a word.
We didn't need to.
He doesn't stop. I don't stop him.
A glisten of sparkle enters his eyes once I feel a tug upon my shorts.
"Want me to stop?" His raspy voice breathes against my face.
"Do I have a reward? Maybe alcohol?" I smirk, as his as his hands remained on my body.
"It's me, baby, your reward is having me."
"Are-" I begin, but was paused once his lips covered my mouth, inducing me into a passionate kiss, but I couldn't hold back, so I opened my lips apart for him to explore me.
He grips my ass and pulls me onto the kitchen counter.
His fingers make tracks down my stomach, over my hips and back to the hem of my black shorts. I feel a tug again. Then, I feel them being torn away from my body.
His eyes connect with mine, but then turn downwards as I feel him inside of my underwear.
"Already soaking." He teases.
Two fingers plunge inside of me.
A loud moan escapes my two lips as it happens.
"You don't want to get anyone's attention, do you?" He slightly chuckles and continues his doing. I feel another finger lodge inside of me.
I arch my back, and my head rolls back, whilst I try my hardest not to let another sound slip.
He is right, no one should see us.
"Can you handle me, amore?"
"Ye-e" I gasp.
"Say it properly." He moves his fingers quicker and quicker.
"I ca-an." I pant, trying to stable myself on the counter.
He stops. He pulls his fingers out, his eyes stayed with mine as he does it. Then, he licks his three fingers, whilst grinning at me.
"I'll see you later then." He whispers against my ear.
My eyes trail upon his body as I watch his silhouette leave the kitchen doors. He walked out like nothing just happened. Like it's normal.
SHIT.
What did I just do?
Fuck.
My temptation for the Jack Daniels bottle has vanished. My realisation for Sebastien's death has vanished.
shit.
What has this man done to me?
And only now I've realised what I have craved.
Him.
fuck.