*Katniss's POV*
I stumble up the stairs and into our room to get dressed for the day. I grab whatever I can find in my dresser and comb through my hair. It's a matted, tangled mess—and it takes 10 minutes to brush through it all. I throw it into a loose braid down my back. I look in the mirror and I don't see myself. I try to hide it, but it's not fooling anyone. I may look like "a victor" but I'm sure not acting like it. Katniss Everdeen was a victor, the leader of a revolution—but it's not me anymore. Now I cry over the smallest things; which pains me, because I hate crying.
I need to get out of my own head.
I set the brush down on the dresser top and head back downstairs. I walk back into the kitchen to find Rye drawing at the table.
"Hey, buddy." I say kissing him on the top of his head.
"Hey, Mama." He smiles. "Are you excited for Flynn's friend to come over?"
"I am," I smile; while walking towards Peeta. I stop beside him while taking a deep breath.
"Are you alright?" He asks quietly, turning to make sure Rye can't hear. I look towards him and see his face looks tense.
"I'm fine," I say reassuringly. "Just worried about tonight."
"Don't worry about it," he says. "You can't mess up anything." I nod and look away towards the window. I see the fountain and how it glistens in the sunlight.
"It's almost time for them to get home." I mumble. I wish it was still early in the morning.
I wish I could put this off, save it for another day. But I can't.
"Here," Peeta says taking my hand. I follow him through the front door and we sit down on the porch swing. Rye follows us out and plays in the yard. "You really shouldn't be worrying, Katniss."
"But what if—" I start but he cuts me off.
"Stop, darling." He says rubbing my hand. "I don't want you to worry about possibilities anymore, they won't happen." I look up to his face and his expression is stern.
"I'm sorry." I say looking into his eyes. I didn't mean to make him frustrated. I notice his gaze softens when he realizes I'm upset. He brushes the hair off my face and I lay my head down. I watch as Rye sits on the edge of the fountain, playing in the water. I'd love to be as peaceful as him, having no worries in the world.
"Can I ask one more hypothetical question?" I say quietly.
"I'll allow it," he remarks sarcastically.
"What if Gale comes back?" I ask. He starts to play with my hair and sighs. Technically, it's a very possible possibility; he can't be mad that I asked it.
"If he does, I'll be here. I'm sure he wouldn't touch you if he knew someone was near. But he was your friend, darling. Maybe he made a mistake, or maybe he's trying to fix it." I nod and watch Rye when I feel circles on my lower back. I count as they go around.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
"What does he say when he visits you?" I ask, still counting the circles.
I remember the times in the forest, where we used to be so close. I wish it could've stayed like that, but unfortunately, he made the decision that resulted in my sister's death. There's no way I will ever forgive him for that choice. Even if he truly didn't mean to kill her.
"Just that he'd like to talk to you." He says, which brings me back to reality. "He doesn't sound threatening, more civilized." I nod my head and rest my eyes. The circle has gone around 9 times, yet I can't shut my brain off. I can't help but think of all the things that could go wrong, and none seem to have any chance of going right.
_
I hear someone rush up the steps and I open my eyes to find Rye smiling near my face. I smile back at him and watch as his face lights up with excitement.
"Look," he points with excitement. "They're home!" I look down the road to see Willow, Flynn, and his friend walking along the path. I sit up and try to tame my messy braid. I can't look like the mess that I am. I have to mask it, mask the pain, mask the miserable life I live.
"You look fine," Peeta says to me. "Beautiful as always." I turn around and fake a smile, but on the inside I'm a wreck. I watch as they walk through the gate and up the stairs. Maybe I'm dreaming and this isn't happening and I'm not about to ruin a kid I don't even know.
Maybe.
"Hey," Willow greets us as she walks up the steps. She seems happy, I'm guessing she had a good day.
"Hey, how was school?" I ask standing up.
"Good," she smiles. I gesture towards Eloise and put my hand on Flynn's shoulder.
"Hello," I start. "Please, make yourself comfortable." Flynn nods and opens the door to go inside—it's basically his second home. The other kids follow him and I hear them go running out the back door. I watch quietly and step inside. I hear the door close behind me as I walk into the kitchen.
Although it didn't go as bad as I expected; my hearts racing.
What if I mess up?
I can't ruin this night. I wish on every star out there, that tonight will go smoothly. I step towards the sink and run my hand under cold water—I've learned it can help to calm down your mind. Atleast, that's what Dr. Aurelius said. It eases my mind, although it never does stop time.
I feel Peeta breathe by my ear and I shudder. He wraps his arms around my waist and kisses my neck.
"Are you alright?" He says watching the water flow over my hand.
No, I think. But my lips can't part. They feel as if they've been glued together.
I hear him sigh and I close my eyes for a moment.
"Annie's coming over soon, she called me a while ago." He remarks. I nod my head and continue watching the drops fall over my hand. "Take your hand out of the water, darling. It'll become numb." He says while reaching for the handle to turn the water off. I push his hand away and he jerks it back. "Your hand feels like ice."
"I'm fine," I start but I'm cut off by the doorbell. Not the best time, Annie.
I can't blame her. I can't blame anyone. This is all my doing, all of this pain and emotions.
"Look at that, Annie's here. I guess you'll unfortunately, have to shut the water off." He jokes with me. I reluctantly shut the tap off and grab a towel to dry my hand off. He walks towards the door and greets Annie.
"Hey, Annie. Come in."
"Thank you for letting Flynn have his friend over here, I would have them at my house but—" she starts but Peeta cuts her off.
"We're more than happy too." I watch as she smiles and looks at the ground. "I'll go get Flynn." He says while turning to walk towards the back door.
"How are you?" I ask while embracing her. We both sit down at the table and she sets her bag on the floor.
"I'm good," she begins quietly. "I've been tying knots a lot."
I remember in 13 when he gave me his rope, his only source of sanity. I miss him so dearly, and I wish I could've hugged him, one last time.
"I'm glad he taught us how to do that." I laugh. She smiles and plays with her hands.
"How have you been? I mean, I saw the video but I didn't believe it or anything." She says cautiously. I nod slowly and let my head fall. I don't need the video to remember, I experienced it first hand. I don't ever want to feel that again.
"I haven't been outside the gate since. I'm afraid everyone is mad at me for it."
"Trust me, Katniss," She pauses while grabbing my hand. "Nobody believed it. They knew you wouldn't do that. I mean, Haymitch was calling everyone making sure they knew it was fake."
"I didn't know that," I say, a bit shocked he would do that for me. "Peeta hasn't let me use the tv or phone since."
"I think that's for the better." She smiles softly. "He's always been the smart one." I nod and laugh softly.
We sit there until we hear Flynn come walking in. I notice his face changes once he realizes his mother is here, but I'm sure that's how Willow and Rye appear when the see me, so I can't be one to judge.
"Hey, Flynn." Annie says while he reaches down to hug her. "How was school?"
"It was fine." He says, shifting awkwardly. "May I go now?" I watch as he gestures to the back door and she nods.
"Yeah." She says while he starts to walk away. Her voice contains hints of sadness, even I can pick up on.
He turns around for a moment and pauses.
"Love you." He says while turning on his heel. I watch her face light up when she acknowledges what he just said.
"He hasn't said that in months. I'm starting to believe moving here was good for him." She smiles.
I watch as she beams with happiness. Some of me can't help but be jealous of her natural buoyancy. The way she's so effortlessly nice and sweet. Peeta deserves a wife like her. Willow and Rye deserve a mother like her.
"I think so too." I say looking at her, longing to be her.
_
I help Peeta set the table while Annie hangs out with the kids in the living room. It's quiet in the kitchen, I haven't spoken a word in a while. Eloise seems like a lovely girl, and Flynn seems to really like being around her. Willow is just happy to have another girl to play with.
I'm startled by the footsteps of the kids coming into the kitchen. They all sit around the table and Peeta serves whatever he made—I'm not really paying attention. I sit down beside Annie and Peeta sits next to me.
"Thank you for having me." Eloise smiles. I smile back and look down to my lap.
"So, how is school going for you guys?" Peeta asks.
"It's surprisingly fun now that we're learning about other... topics." Flynn says discreetly. Annie and the others all continue talking but I sort of—watch. I just sit there, bouncing my leg gently to distract my mind.
I think about how my life has changed since I was 16. I was a normal girl then, but it all unraveled in a very short time. Sometimes I ask myself, if I knew it all then, would I do it again? And honestly, I'm not sure. I mean, I love my kids and Peeta. He's one of the only reasons I'm alive currently. But all the people I lost along the way—if this had a different outcome—would they still be here? Prim. Rue. Finnick. Cinna. Boggs. Would they have lived? Would I have been able to preserve their lives, at the expense of my own?
I'm brought back to reality by Peeta when he puts his hand on my thigh. I can tell he's trying to get me to calm down. I look around and find everyone is getting up from the table.
Act normal. Act normal. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out.
I mimic their actions and clear off the table. I set all the plates in the sink and lean over the edge for a second. I take a deep breath and turn around to find Eloise standing next to me.
"Hey," I say to her, slightly surprised.
"Hey, sorry for startling you. I just wanted to thank you since I should be getting home now." She smiles softly, and her eyes twinkle just like Prim's had once. I'm taken aback by the sight, but I maintain my compares ever so slightly.
"You're very welcome. It was a pleasure to have you over." I reply. She says her goodbyes to everyone else and Flynn goes to walk her home. She lives just out of the victor's village but we didn't want her to walk home alone.
After a while, Annie leaves as well and the house becomes oddly quiet. Willow and Rye are both fast asleep on the couch and I lay blankets over them until I can bring them upstairs for bed. I walk back into the kitchen to set a glass down. The dishes are heaping, gathering slowly but surely. I take one look at them and turn on my heel quickly; that's not a project for tonight.
I walk back into the living room and shut off the lights. I gently pick up Rye and carry him up the stairs. I try to open his door without it creaking and lay him in his bed. I kiss him on his forehead and walk back down to bring Willow upstairs.
Once I pick her up, I shut all the lights off downstairs and make sure the door is locked.
I don't need any surprises.
I head up the stairs and into her room to find all of her dresser drawers open. Her messy room eases my mind, it reminds me of Prim's messes. I lay her down and tuck her in. I walk over to close the drawers before turning the nightlight on and leaving. I sigh and head into my bedroom to find it empty.
Hmph. Maybe Peeta's downstairs.
I know he deserves someone better, and I know that's not me. I've thought about it all throughout the night, but I know I can't become someone I'm not. I can barely act normal for a minimal amount of time.
I sit down on the side of my bed and take off my necklace and ring. I set them in a dish on the side table and walk over to my dresser to find pajamas. I grab a pair and begin to turn around when I'm frightened by Peeta and I jump slightly.
"I'm sorry, I'm just tired." I say catching my breathe. I watch as he leans against the doorframe and crosses his arms lightly, giving me a look.
"Katniss," he starts but I shake my head.
"Please, just don't. I'm really not in the mood to argue." I say, walking around him and into the bathroom.
I quickly change and throw my dirty clothes into the hamper. I brush my teeth and wash my hands. I walk out of the bathroom door to find Peeta in the same place as when I left. I walk around him but he grabs my arm and pulls me towards him.
"It doesn't have to be an argument, you know." He says quietly. I look into his eyes. I want so badly to fall apart—so badly. But I can't.
I can't.
"Well, I think I'm fine and you disagree. I don't see how we could not get into a fight," I remark frustrated. "I might not be the same as Annie, or Johanna, or Delly, but I'm still here, aren't I?" I ring obnoxiously, and his face shows a confused look.
"What do any of them have to do with this?" He asks looking into my eyes. I shrug and look at the ground.
"They've all moved on with their lives but I'm stuck in the past reliving the horrors." I take a shaky breath and give all my energy towards not collapsing in his arms. "Maybe you should've stuck with Delly, I'm sure she's more sane then I am." I say quietly. He looks at me with disgust.
"You're the only person I care about, Katniss. Not Delly or anybody at that point. None of them matter at all. All that matters is how your feeling. I know you hate talking about your feelings, but you can't be hurting by yourself." He brushes a strand of hair out of my eyes and lifts my chin. "As long as you're here, nothing else matters to me." He says while gazing into my eyes.
I let a tear fall down my face and Peeta pulls me close. I bury myself in his shoulder and he comforts me. His hand slips up the back of my shirt and begins to circle my lower back. I stay there for a moment, dreading the moment I'll have to pull away. But I do, and he wipes the tears off my cheek with his thumb.
He kisses my forehead and gestures me towards the bed, shutting the light off as he closes the door. I climb into my side of the bed and I lie my head on his chest before going to sleep.
My eyes are dreary, barely holding on, before I hear him whisper something.
"You've always been enough for me, darling."