💌
yoongi sighed to himself a lot that night, guilt treating him as if he were an animal. he couldn't exactly tell which was more animalistic, more horrible, if it were him or the guilt. he had heard of guilt eating a person alive but he had never really experienced it first hand. secrets and lies and ground-breaking rumours were not the things that often escaped his lips, but he could feel the blood of his soul drip down from the guilt's longing jaws.
his entire body gained weight with the thought of what he did and he dragged his arms across the floor, getting some water. though he knew he didn't need to, he brought his phone with him, finding namjoon's steady breaths relaxing in a way. he eyed the piano in the sitting room as he sipped at his water
his brain felt as strange as the water he drank. why did water taste so curious late at night? there was nothing different about the water compared to the water he drank during the day. were the guilts and hardships of the day catching up to him and leaking into his drink like a poison ready to infect his bloodstream? what was so... weird about this time and its water.
he looked at the piano again, or maybe it looked at him. he listened again closely to namjoon's soft breaths, 2 seconds in, 2 and a half seconds out. the keys sang to him, lured the boy like a shark to chum. yoongi admired the glossy coat of the piano in the moonlight, finding it beautiful and omnious all at once. why? he couldn't tell you, maybe he just grew up to be afraid of the dark, afraid of the unknown and afraid of that that he couldn't control.
a breath left his lips as he sat at the stool, seeing the black and white keys infront of him. he decided to just turn his microphone down a bit rather than fully mute himself, he wasn't sure why but he felt it would be better than muting himself.
he let his fingers glide across the piano, like birds across the ocean, dipping down where they needed to and a song leaving gently. though, like the sea, as beautiful as it was, the salt still lurked. a memory crossed his vision and suddenly it was all he could see:
a young child, sitting on an aging, sick woman's lap and watching as she played a symphony he never learned the name of but grew to know each note off of the top of his head. a soft smile made its bed on the woman's face and the boy admired it before looking back at the frail fingertips.
when the child tried to see anything else he felt his head be forced back to stare at the piano. like the piano was the only important thing. that the piano was to be yoo- the young child's whole life from that moment on. was the woman aware of this? was the woman aware of the poison she let intoxicate the child's mind as she herself mindlessly played? was the woman aware of the dripping ink like words that resonated in her chi- the boy's mind, years later when she was no longer a sick and aging woman? word that spoke:
'look at it.
this is it.
succeed for her.
succeed for him.
they died for nothing if you do not succeed.
are you a failure, yoongi min?
are you worthy of that name: yoongi min?'
yoongi jumped up slightly, like a frightened kitten. many people compared him to a cat, something he never quite got but welcomed anyways, always wanting to be liked by others. he let himself be pulled from his thoughts as the sound of steady breathing turned into confused mumbles.
"go back to bed, jewbs, im sorry," yoongi said, just above a whisper.
he sighed and got up, hovering over his old friend. though he knew namjoon longer than he had ever known anyone. but namjoon kim was not a friend and the piano was not an enemy. the piano gave him comfort within the pearlescant memories of the two people he loved most, all that namjoon kim did was frustrate the poor boy.
"what were you playing?..." namjoon croaked, his voice full of sleep and his soul covered in mossy clouds. his lungs held deep forests full of towering trees that killed namjoon to be kept alive.
yoongi thought about the question, "i don't know, jewbs." his reply was made of soft snow and laced with harsh icecicles. his heart frosted over to the point where the boy's face turned just as pale.
"mm.." yoongi heard shuffling and a yawn, "did your mother used to play it?"
"yeah... yeah, joon, she did," yoongi felt a smile lie down into his lips.
"your mother was lovely.."
"yeah," yoongi whimpered, "yeah, namjoon, she was."
"keep playing if you wanna... 's nice." yoongi couldn't see it but he knew there was a smile sleeping kindly on namjoon's lips, he gave a slight chuckle and sat back down on the stool, realising now that he couldn't see a thing in the room. he hadn't ever been able to see the keys or the piano or the moonlight, there was no window in this room.
how many times had he played this piece?
or, for lack of better words, was he going fucking mental?
💌
yoongi awoke the next morning to an empty house, just like how he did everyday, his room engulfed in an onyx blanket as he listened to namjoon snore through his earphones. he cut off the call and texted for namjoon to wake up, walking to the bathroom as he did so. boring. just so boring. he did his business, brushed his teeth, took a shower, avoided breakfast, got dressed and sat on his bed with too much time to spare. he wanted something. anything.
with hope that what he thought might have happened did not happen he grabbed his phone, immediately going to snapchat and to his school's groupchats. his hope was shortlived. all of the coversations, all of the stories were the same. on whatsapp, an identical fate. his foot tapped nervously and rapidly against the floor, rabbit-like. he cursed whilst an epiphany came to him and thanked a god he didn't even believe in. he sighed and let his head hang between his legs, his arms clasped together in front of him.
nyumnyums
u still want ur scarf back?
more guilt ran through yoongi. no he didn't want the scarf back, he knew namjoon didn't have a coat or even anything to keep him warm. which angered him, knowing his family's financial state, namjoon didn't however.
gullible little shit, god i hate that june bitch.
angry kitten
nah keep it jewbs
💌
nae dongsaeng
hyungieeeeeeeeee <333333333333
soft hyungie
good morning jk
nae dongsaeng
hope u have a great dayyyyyyyyy
soft hyungie
thanks jk, u too
nae dongsaeng
OMG HYUNGIE GREAT NEWS !?>>£"?r}tPO32I9E
soft hyungie
?
nae dongsaeng
hoseok agreed to coach me!!!! free of charge!!!!
can u believe it!!1!!1!11!1!!!!!1111!
soft hyungie
thats real good kook, im happy for u
nae dongsaeng
im gonna talk to him at break and lunch
so we can sort it all out im so :<<
soft hyungie
if any of the football guys give u any
trouble u come to me straight away, k?
nae dongsaeng
ikkkkkkkkkkkkkk
im so exciteddddd
omg hyungie did u hear the rumours????
soft hyungie
yh i did
nae dongsaeng
i feel so bad for him :((( ik u dont like him but cmon
nobody likes rumours spread abt them :/
soft hyungie
ik jk, ik
nae dongsaeng
i wonder who found it out
i mean, not to be mean but he doesnt rlly talk to anyone
and i dont think anyone really lives near him
soft hyungie
i think we should drop it, im gonna start
heading out nw, see u at sch, k?
nae dongsaeng
ok hyungie <3
see u <3333333333333333333333333
💌
yoongi sighed to himself as he got to the school gates, wondering how things would be if he bolted it to the next city. nobody would ever know that it was him who leaked that nasty rumour... unless that dickhead told people that part of the story too. he knew it was his fault. denying that would be egg in his face. yoongi min could project his insecurities all he wanted, but what goes around comes around, right?
in his mind he knew that one day he'll end up poking the wrong bear. he feared that that day may be soon.
namjoon was a couple paces in front of him and yoongi couldn't bring himself to race or even catch up to the boy. namjoon may not have been the best at reading emotions or even showing them but yoongi wasn't sure he could even hide his cloak of guilt from him. believe it or not but yoongi had an inkling that his day was not gonna go good. he felt a stronger inkling of that same fact for namjoon.
a crack vaguely sounded in yoongi's chest as he approached his form room. a smile had made it's way to namjoon's lips. there was nothing that namjoon was doing and nobody else in the room and namjoon stared directly at yoongi and oh my gosh namjoon had just waved at yoongi.
namjoon kim was smiling at yoongi min.
what in the actual fuck.
what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck??????
needless to say, yoongi was tempted to pour out his water into a lovely little puddle and inhale it.
instead of that, however, he smiled and waved back, going to sit in his seat right across from namjoon. the latter continued to smile and yoongi noticed his scarf, tight around the boy's neck.
"huh?" namjoon laughed at yoongi's reply. yoongi had taken in what a beautiful laugh it was. more guilt.
"i was saying, min, thank you. for last night. and um, your piano was good. o-oh also the scarf! its warm, i appreciate it."
"mhm, of course jewbs. i may hate your guts but i'm not a horrible person."
god i am such a horrible person what have i done?
💌
yoongi's foot tapped against the floor of the science lab, unable to focus on the lesson in front of him, the same with the rest of the class who seemed to have one focus in mind.
and that focus was more than uncomfortable at this attention.
loud whispers were spread and screaming notes were passed but the recipiant never once opened them, and instead passed them to the next person like he thought he was meant to do, unaware that the notes were for him.
the teacher went on, no one focusing but the focus himself. yoongi, usually wouldn't care about something like this, especially considering this person, but it was different. the guilt continued to gnaw at his flesh, tearing it apart visciously.
namjoon raised his hand sheepishly, feeling peircing stares in the back of his brain.
"may i leave to the bathroom, sir?" with a nod, the teacher let namjoon go and watched as the classroom burst into static-like gossip.
💌
yoongi was avoiding namjoon. anytime he saw the boy he made sure to pick up his pace and turn the other direction, thankful that he didnt have any defining features. he wasn't sure why but he defienetly saw namjoon a lot more than usual, actually, namjoon was never out at lunch, why was he today? yoongi was too guilt ridden to pester his jewbies for answers.
however, what he didn't realise was that namjoon was a couple steps behind him, trying to catch up and ask yoongi a horribly lingering question he had the entire day.
another however, however, is that a couple steps behind namjoon was the most annoying person in their year. a person with no filter or maturity. don't worry, he was tested, he's just a dick. no redeeming qualities to this boy.
a tap resonated on namjoon's shoulders and a couple people stopped around them, astounded at the bravery of touching namjoon kim.
"hey, joonie--"
"it's namjoon, firstly. secondly, do not fucking touch me again or i will bash your face in." namjoon said, as cold as a dead body. the boy scoffed.
"just wanted to ask about your family, joon." namjoon froze, and a couple steps in front of him, yoongi froze too.
"what about my family, joseph?" namjoon said, as calmly as he could.
"i heard your parents hate each other lol, and your mothers a fucking sla-"
joseph was on the floor and bleeding.
namjoon felt like a dead body. although it wasn't for saying a nickname, namjoon had kept his word and he did bash joseph's face in.
there was a collective gasp at what happened, many were astounded. namjoon just stood over joseph who cupped his cheek and nose, not even noticing how the other side of his head was bleeding from hitting the asphalt. namjoon just watched.
overwhelmed.
people started to crowd at the sound of two year nines fighting but namjoon didn't want to fight. he knew joseph did, sure, but namjoon kim was not a violent person. he just had a short temper and barely even that. there was no actual or initial intent to punch joseph, especially not that hard. but he had. and he had to deal with a lot more consequences than he thought.
yoongi had run to the library as the guilt had finally finished at his flesh and took to his organs and bones, an animal that left no remains. consciously, he couldnt fucking deal with the noise that crowd produced. his friends went to watch but he knew there was no point, after dealing with namjoon for so many years, he knew the boy wouldnt do much anymore but block attacks. pitiful.
joseph had managed to pull himself off of the ground and stood staring at his frightened attacker, though anger had been visible in both of their eyes. a lot of his face had blood on it and his nose seemed to be in an entirely different place. this entire debacle just proved more to the school to not fuck with the kid that works out religiously and has studied every form of martial art for fun. god, joseph wright was a lucky guy.
how so?
namjoon ran away. faster than he had ever run before. so fast that eliza khan, a year ten who had her popularity based off of her speed, had realised her record had been beaten. was anyone surprised? no because namjoon kim was better than everyone. this was common knowledge. you will never beat namjoon kim, learn that. from what the school had gathered, only namjoon kim could destroy namjoon kim but now there were two more people on that list.
💌
sweat and tears mingled on namjoon's face before falling to the floor in front of the library. the boy sighed and opened the door, swearing to himself about his tears. he caressed his aching fist, noticing how the school's librarian wasn't at his desk, and made his way to his corner, just wanting to be comforted by his books but someone stood there and prevented that from happening.
"jewbs take that to the nurse," yoongi said, hands curled into frustrated fists inside of his pocket. namjoon shook his head, it wasn't that bad. "god you are annoying. i'm going."
"wait, min." yoongi couldn't bring himself to keep walking so he stopped and gestured for namjoon to keep speaking.
he knew it couldn't have been good, at all. why else would namjoon want to speak to him? he already sent his gratitude to the boy in the morning, there was absolutely no reason for namjoon to stop yoongi. the boy had checked with everyone, he was in the clear.
"i know you're popular and you know everyone i just... do you know who told joseph?" yoongi glanced up to see crystals forming in namjoon's eyes. this was happening too much for yoongi's liking. "please, just tell me, i just wanna know, min. did they tell everyone? everyone has been staring at me, i feel like i have holes burned into my fucking back from how intense their gazes are."
namjoon was sobbing now and it was ugly. his eyes were swollen and puffy and a crimson shade of red made home on his nose. namjoon's eyebrows were furrowed as he sobbed which yoongi found peculiar. whilst namjoon used the sleeve of his jumper to scrub at his tears he seemed angry and the scrubbing had left harsh marks. was namjoon annoyed at the fact that tears escaped him another time or was namjoon frustrated with the unwanted attention and violation of privacy?
yoongi stayed silent, watching namjoon sob. he watched as the boy hit his fists against his hair, horribly frustrated. he watched as the boy sniffled and wiped at his nose that had snot running. he watched as the calm, collected and stoic boy he had grown hating broke down from a marble sculpture into a discarded pebble. this boy was nothing now. the jewbies that yoongi knew would never wipe his nose with his sleeve, so unhygenically but this was not the jewbies that yoongi knew.
this was namjoon kim. a broken shell of a boy. a boy much larger than his peers but his clothes seemed to always hang off of him slightly. a boy that was all bark and no bite. a boy that would swear like a sailor but couldn't raise his voice to save the world. a scared boy. not yet a man: a boy.
"min, please," namjoon begged, yoongi's breath hitched. "just please tell me, yoongi i'm begging you, i know that you know. i thought we were finally becoming alright with each other..."
yoongi sighed and bit at his lip.
"alex friar. he started the rumour, he sent it to every school group chat yesterday, late at night. i'm sorry, namjoon, i know this is a sesnsitive topic for you."
namjoon laughed at yoongi's choice of words.
"sensitive? sensitive, min? are you fucking serious? god!" namjoon screamed, hitting himself with the heels of his palms because goddamn it he could not stop crying. yoongi watched longer and time seemed to go on forever.
what was it about namjoon crying that gave yoongi min such an aching heart? he couldn't bring himself to even tolerate namjoon, let alone pity him. this new concept and complex relationship he had with namjoon tore down the poor boy's walls.
"where did alex even... i've never spoken to anyone about eomma or abba. alex doesn't even live near me! nobody does..." namjoon trailed off and seemed lost in thought.
yoongi watched in guilt-ridden silence. actually, it wasn't silence. his foot knocked against the carpeted floor like how his heart beat against his rib cage. it beat his bones black and blue and yet there was no escape nor abandon.
"you." yoongi snapped out of his own daze and changed his focus to namjoon's words. "you told alex friar. you are the only person alive who knows about my parents... problems." namjoon's face winced and contorted with the last word but it didn't last long. he stared at yoongi with a new found rage and feeling of betrayal in his eyes.
"jewbies it was an accident—"
"namjoon. my name is namjoon." yoongi felt an arrow shoot through his heart. "i cannot believe i was idiotic enough to trust you. this entire time i looked for sanctuary in you, and you told people?!"
"joo- namjoon you gotta understand it was an accident i never meant to tell—"
"but you fucking did!" namjoon started to sob again. "you did, min. never speak to me again." yoongi watched in self hatred as namjoon walked away.
"what? god, yoongi, why are you crying? he had it coming." yoongi gasped and turned around whilst wiping away his tears. "don't you think? i mean, come on. what did he expect?"
"you don't know anything about this, jimin. don't get involved. how much did you hear?"
"enough. and I think you are smart enough to know that I did not come here for a book." yoongi clenched his fist. he did know why jimin came up here.
"don't go around fanning flames, jimin."
jimin groaned and pushed yoongi forward. "what the fuck do you want, yoongi min? you say you hate namjoon so prove it! people who hate each other don't cry over shit like this. you can either truly hate him or admit that there's something going on with you two."
"im not gay, jimin."
"oh yeah? i didn't prompt that."
"you can't tell me what to do. fuck off, jimin."
jimin groaned in frustration and stormed off, leaving yoongi alone with his thoughts.
💌
yoongi tried his best not to feel guilty, he really did, but the feeling kept gnawing at his bones.
he sat against his bed, on the floor, and stared at his phone. namjoon's contact was open and staring at him, he couldn't figure out the words he wanted to say.
he couldn't figure out how to write an apology that namjoon would believe. he couldn't figure out how to convince namjoon that none of this was intentional. he couldn't figure out how to form a sentence. he couldn't figure out how to put the words together. he couldn't figure out how to speak.
the guilt came back with a friend, a friend that told him with harsh whispers that the more he talks the more pain he causes. with every word he utters, a person gets hurt.
'i suppose it's true...' he thought 'god, namjoonie, what have you done to me? eomma, what do i do? i can't just leave it all like this, it's all so horrible! eomma please... please eomma just answer me, i miss you..'
his eyes widened and his heart jumped out of his throat as he saw that his thumb slipped and sent that message. he cursed, trying to catch his bouncing heart, trying to put it back where it belonged. by the time he had, he managed to scrape together an apology message.
yoongi min.
i'm so sorry about that namjoon i was just, i know it cuts off in the middle of a sentence and it's just a lot of self pity but please hear me out i truly didn't mean to spread anything about your family
[unable to send message]
[this user has blocked you. see more?]
yoongi's jaw dropped and he stared at the automated message in disbelief.
it felt as if he had ripped out the heart of his heart.
how could he even fuck up this badly? how in the ever loving fuck did he screw up to this level? why does anyone let yoongi min open his mouth?
💌
"wow i already regret this." jungkook uttered under his breath seeing hoseok lay out cones on the astroturf. hoseok laughed.
"come on! this is basic training, amateurs could do this, you're just dribbling then we'll work up to dribbling whilst weaving through the cones, depending on your skill set of course," hoseok said with a wink. jungkook sighed and nodded knowing he brought this upon himself.
he shivered in his kit, absolutely freezing in the horrible november air. he stared at the football captain, in awe of how committed the boy was to his passion. he wondered a lot about the boy who seemed to do nothing but play football.
"hey, hoseok?"
"yeah?"
"just curious, what are you doing for your GCSEs? better yet, what do you wanna do in the future?" the astro fell silent and hoseok stared at his feet solemn.
"um, business? i guess... i still don't know if i'm honest." jungkook was more surprised than he guessed.
"woah, seriously? come on, you're better at football than namjoon, surely that must be some reason to pursue it!"
"hey would you look at that, the cones are set up, go grab a football, will ya, JK?" jungkook sighed out, regretting his words but diligently going to follow hoseok's commands.
the two spent an a little over ab hour perfecting jungkook's dribbling. overall, they didn't even get to using the cones to practise weaving which hoseok found funny but jungkook groaned with a pout.
"why am i so shit at this?!" hoseok laughed and placed a sweaty hand on jungkook's sweaty shoulder.
"listen, JK, you can't be born with knowledge. you know things only when you are told them and you weren't told them until now so there's no reason to feel upset about it, yeah? come on man you think i was brought on to earth doing rainbow flicks and shit?"
jungkook sighed but nodded, understanding hoseok's logic.
"still sucks though, it took me an hour and 13 minutes just to learn how to dribble," jungkook whined, kicking a football and watching it miss the goal that wasn't even 10 feet away from him. "oh that's just fucking perfect."
hoseok laughed so hard he almost fell.
"nah, JK, that's a violation! i wouldn't have that!"
💌
i wonder how much she knows.
it must be a lot, many speak to her
she's a comfort
we mortals are obsessed with her
like a starving artist and his craft
i wonder how much of me she knows
it must be a lot i only speak to her
she's my comfort
she's my moon