"𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚕𝚒𝚟𝚎𝚍 𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚒𝚕𝚢 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚏𝚝𝚎𝚛."
~~~
FIVE YEARS LATER
𝐒𝐚𝐠𝐞'𝐬 𝐏𝐎𝐕
How does one become numb to loss? grief?
It's gradual. A feeling that overwhelms just as much as it immobilizes you.
I know all of it firsthand and it settled deep when I buried my mother two years ago after she overdosed just days before being admitted to rehab again. The suffocating pity when others look at you with sorrow ingrained into their stare. The gut-wrenching fear that no matter how much time passes it will all just hurt the same. And lastly, the regret that eats you alive up until no emotion is left spiraling around your heart.
You don't know numbness until you lose a parent.
I'm not sure what my boyfriend next to me is feeling or thinking at this moment. I just know if I could take just a fraction of his pain away, I would, without a second thought.
I found myself straightening his dress shirt collar beneath his midnight wool trench coat. Snow blanketed the emerald grass and continued to fall endlessly around us, a snowflake stopping on his perched nose. He's too distracted to notice I've been staring at him for the past two minutes, worried about his obvious silence.
I comb his untamed hair back with my fingers to make him look at me. "Are you sure you want to do this? I can wait in the car for as long as you need."
My eyes sweep over his emotionless expression for an answer, a hint of reluctance or anything in between. He's as blank as the walls we have back home.
"I want you to meet her." Zachariah begins softly, before glancing down. "I want you both to meet her." His gentle hand cradles the swollen bump underneath my coat, rubbing gently.
I instantly feel a hard thump below my belly button. Zach's eyes light up like the sky on July fourth. It amazes me how quickly she managed to put a smile on his face without even being born yet.
"Did she just—" Zach trails, his eyes widening a fraction.
"She must've heard your voice. I think she knows when you're here." My lips tug up into a smile of my own. Our little one was particularly shy, she never showed her face on the ultrasounds or moved around inside me a lot, so when she did and Zachariah wasn't traveling for work it made us both happy to experience these moments together.
"I'm ready." He sounds much more confident, lacing our fingers together. The simple action sends a bolt of electricity right through me. Zach leads us through the memorial ground occupied with rows of dull gray slabs of stone. Some graves were recently decorated with colorful bouquets, offerings, and even small handmade art trinkets.
I navigate through the unfamiliar dirt path making sure to memorize every turn we take. Zach visits his mother often. Sometimes I stay home and give him space to talk to her alone. Other times when I know he's had a hard couple of days, I tag along and just sit in the car so he's not completely isolated.
Today was the first time he's ever asked me to come.
Our footsteps come to a permanent stop at a grand, well-kept tombstone. There's a tiny crest circle in the center with a small picture of a woman smiling from ear to ear. The resemblance between her and Zach is uncanny. They share the same shaded gray irises and wavy black hair. The written engraving reads Beloved mother, Wife, Aunt, and Sister. Aubrey Esmeralda Stone-Cruz.
Zach replaces the limp week-old flowers on the ground with fresh new ones, instantly bringing her gravesite back to life.
"Hi, ma." Zach's voice barely reaches a whisper. He crouched down, something I couldn't really do in order to talk to her. I remained quiet and a few steps back, giving him a moment to gather his thoughts. "I brought someone for you to meet. Two people actually." His voice cracks at the mention of our baby girl.
When we found out I was pregnant Zach was over the moon emotional, then his overprotectiveness kicked into overdrive. Once I started to show, I was being waited on left and right, Zach made sure I had whatever I was craving no matter the hour of the day and he read to her every night even if he was on the road with his team. He's never missed a doctor's appointment and even with all the money we have, Zach insists on building her nursery himself from head to toe.
"I'm going to be a girl dad. Crazy right? We have a couple of months left but I couldn't be more excited to meet my little angel. She's already so spoiled by her aunt and uncles, I don't think I'll ever be able to say no to her." He swallows harshly before continuing. "Dad and I have started talking again. It's strange watching him live without you. But I know you would have wanted us to get along, even after everything."
He looks over his shoulder, nodding for me to come closer. Zach stands back up, gliding his hand on the small of my back before speaking. "Mom, this is Sage Winters. La madre de mi hijo y la mujer a la que le voy a proponer matrimonio."
[The mother of my child and the woman I'm going to marry.]
Zach starts speaking Spanish and I can't understand a word he's saying. I've picked up on basic everyday phrases but I still am far less advanced than he is.
"Hi, Ms.Cruz. I'm so happy Zachariah brought me to finally meet you. I mean us—we're so happy to meet you." I correct myself while gently rubbing my growing bump. Another soft kick causes me to look up at Zach. He gives me the reassuring look I need to continue.
"Your son is the best thing that's ever happened to me. He's strong-willed, loving, patient, and most importantly dependable despite all we've been through these last two years."
Zach's fingers intertwined with mine as he gives my hand a tight squeeze. The corner of my lips dips slightly remembering the last time I was pregnant. I hadn't been feeling well since the dozens of tests sitting on our bathroom counter came back with two lines. A baby was the last thing we were expecting so early on in our careers especially since we were cautious ninety percent of the time.
Initially when I found out the first thing I did was puke all over Victoria's lap and spent the remainder of the day hiding out in our bathroom with a tub of Ben and Jerrys for emotional support.
There was absolutely no way we were ready for such a big responsibility. Zach's schedule was an unpredictable one with travel being one of the downsides of his career and Rosalind entrusted me to lead one of Urban Scopes's smaller offices in Austin. The hours were long, the days were busy, and being Chief Editor came with endless responsibilities.
Despite the timing of it all, we were still so excited to be growing our family. Every time Zach came back from an away game, he brought a stuffed animal home, insisting the baby have a collection.
That excitement and joy lasted for a single trimester.
Something inside me wanted to believe that my past health issues weren't to blame but I knew spending so many years being malnourished played a role in my miscarriage.
For the longest time I blamed myself for the loss of our baby. Zach was so happy and in a matter of weeks I managed to destroy both our lives with just one doctor's visit. The ache in my chest grew more each day, and the feeling of suddenly going back to a family of two was all I could think about.
Zachariah and I aren't perfect. Our relationship hit a rough patch for a while. Zach was angry at himself for not being there for me and I was angry at myself for not being able to keep our baby alive. It took some time to get back into the right mindset but eventually we found ourselves again.
After months of emotionally draining sessions of couples therapy, things started to look up and we were partly back to normal but secretly I know the fear of losing another child lingers within both of our hearts.
"I don't know where I'd be without him and I guess I have you to thank for that. Zachariah's in good hands and from now on he won't be visiting alone. He'll have us by his side. Always."
Zach's teary gaze connected to mine in a moment of clarity. I stood and watched as the grief painted on his face peeled away, layer by layer. He smiles, not small and shy but wide and free, and my heart explodes because I'll never get tired of the way he looks at me. Like he'd burn out every star in the sky for my sole happiness.
And I give in, walking into the soft embrace offered by his arms. Zach lowers his mouth on mine, creating a sensation inside me that kicks my hormones into overdrive. After a few seconds I slowly pull away before we can give his mother a show.
I reach into my coat pocket fishing for a sealed envelope, remembering what I had grabbed just seconds before heading out our front door. "I bought something to show her if thats okay."
"Of course it's okay." He breathed, stepping back with his eyes trained on my jittery hands. "What is it?"
I unfold the flap and pull out the frayed brittle piece of paper I've held onto for the last two years. The black and white ultrasound of my first pregnancy comes into view, causing Zach to inhale sharply.
I don't know why I've held on to it for this long and the reminder that Zach and I would've most likely had a two year old child right now is hard to think about.
"They're both watching over us." With the best of my ability I place the small photograph at the edge of the tombstone just a few inches from the bouquet of fresh flowers we brought with us.
"You're going to be an amazing mom." Zach comes up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist. My heart flutters knowing in just a few short months, I'd be someone's mother.
"And you're going to be the worlds best dad." I return the sentiment, believing each and every word.
____
After a few more one sided conversations with Zach's mother, my feet began to throb inside the new pair of leather boots I ordered for the winter before I knew being pregnant would cause my feet to inflate like a balloon.
As we drove back to our New York brownstone the car ride was void of any small talk. It was peaceful but unlike Zach to sit in silence for more than a hour. Occasionally he would ask how I was feeling and join our hands together for the sake of confirming we'd be okay.
Miles upon miles of plain fields quickly became crowded streets and family owned brownstone homes. Once the car was in park, Zach led me to the front steps before practically running out on me right as Victoria swung open the french double doors.
I watched him drive off, only now remembering he mentioned a meeting with Cora about trading to a team out on the East Coast.
Living in New York long term has always been the plan and with adding another member to our family soon, we both knew it was time. Even though we could live comfortably off of Zachs income alone, my heart was still set on having my own journalism company. I knew it was going to happen someday and I didn't want to rush. When the time comes I'll be more than ready.
"This is the fourth dress I've tried on! Seriously guys I'm sure Zach wouldn't mind me wearing his jersey to dinner."
Bria lowers the velvet dress she was holding up against my body with an exasperated sigh. "Moooom, she's complaining again!"
Her chestnut curls were styled in two space buns at the base of her head while a pair of plaits framed the front of her face. Bria rolled her eyes again when I flinched at her plucking between my brows. Sometimes I still couldn't believe she was a teenager. It felt like yesterday Miles was asking me to teach him natural hairstyles to braid her hair in.
"Don't listen to a word she says." Victoria announces walking into the room with Milo babbling incoherently in her arms. Her white blouse was darkened with spit up and exhaustion covered her features, which seemed to also get Brias attention.
"Here, I'll take him." Bria holds out her hand for her eight month old brother until Vic properly places him in her grasp. Milo smiles while grabbing onto her cheek. "You can deal with that."
"Hey, I can hear you." I turn just as she exits through the door.
"You were supposed to!" Her attitude tainted voice echoes throughout the second floor hallway.
Once my godson and niece are gone, I speak without caution of my language. "You and Miles clearly have your hands full. How's that going by the way?"
Although Victoria is not Jabria's biological mother she's the rightful owner of the title mom. Miles drafted up legal adoption papers and made it official three years ago on their anniversary and their relationship has been stronger ever since.
Vic chuckles, grabbing a wet wipe from Milo's diaper bag and begins to clean herself up. Moments later her shirt is now damp but free of any drool or milk. "Just wait until the one growing in you turns fifteen. Last week Bria asked us if she was allowed to go on a date with someone from dance class."
"You're fucking kidding?!" I stopped in the middle of taking out the multiple perm rods from my hair. The back row of curls fall down my shoulders in tight coils. "How is Miles still walking and breathing normally?"
"Trust me he hasn't slept a wink since that day. I don't think the idea of her growing up has set in yet." Vic speaks while rummaging through my barely organized closet. Because I've accumulated so much maternity wear my entire wardrobe looks like it's about to collapse on her. Once our conversation fell flat she craned her neck to the side to catch me staring. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
I'm not an idiot and the pregnancy hormones haven't yet destroyed all my working brain cells so I know something is off, particularly about today.
Ever since Zach and I left the cemetery he's been more moody than normal. A bit anxious and he's been texting me every minute to see if I'm ready for our weekly date. I assured him after the emotional day we had that it was okay to cancel but he was adamant on going out tonight. So I agreed.
"Are you going to tell me what's going on?" I feel another sharp kick against my rib cage causing me to wince.
Her eyes fill with concern. "Are you okay?"
I return the question with a quizzical glance. "Don't change the subject Victoria."
Her eyes roll voluntarily and I begin to take note of where Brias attitude stems from. "I have no idea what you guys are talking about."
A bold faced lie.
"You guys have been acting weird all day and Izzy has been avoiding me since the baby shower."
Vic shrugs nonchalantly. "She's on her period and the twins are refusing to go to daycare."
Valid. Izzy has had her hands full ever since giving birth to Ivy and Lilah, her twin girls just a year after Ezra and Izzy had their son.
"And what's your excuse?" My brows raise in a questioning manner.
Vic opens her mouth to speak but then my phone alarm blares, dramatically interrupting us. The screen lit up indicating it was already 6:00pm.
"Shit, I only have an hour to not look like—" I dramatically waved over my plastered green face and uncombed hair. "This."
I pace up and down the confined space that was currently cluttered with my favorite dresses and mismatched heels that I could no longer wear without Zach taking them off my feet.
Victoria pulls out the vanity chair before demanding I calm down. "Sit."
"But I have to-
"There's a bag of hot chips and ranch in my purse. Sit and it's yours."
"Are you using my cravings against me?" On cue my stomach rumbled even though I ate less than two hours ago.
"Maybe. But it's up to you." Her lips lift into a smirk. Victoria always knew how to get her way even in situations like this.
"Fine." I sigh, plopping down in the cushioned seat. "But we're not sharing."
She meets my eyes in the mirror staring back at us and laughs while shaking her head.
Forty minutes came and went in a blink of an eye. By the time my thumb and pointer finger were stained red, my appearance had changed dramatically.
Vic pulled back my curls into a pile on top of my head while leaving out a few unruly strands to frame my blushing face. The makeup wasn't too much but it wasn't too little and that simple fact instantly caught my attention. Victoria filled in every hole in both of my ears starting with a hoop then following after with silver studs that got smaller as you went up.
I stood up letting the red silhouette dress fall above my ankle. The silk material emphasizes my belly without making me look like a whale.
Not bad.
The doorbell rings shortly after and Victoria reluctantly leaves me alone to grab the door.
The heels I attempt to shove my foot in feel two sizes too small and I huff when I kick them off my feet and go for a pair of flats instead. Curse my swollen pregnant feet.
I make my way down the steps, ignoring the nervous thump beating frantically in my chest. I don't know why all of a sudden I'm nervous for Zach to see me dolled up. Sure it's been a while since I've had my makeup done but I want him to like what he sees even if sometimes I don't.
"And here I thought I'd have to go up there and haul you out of my jersey myself."
I spin on my heel at the deep and alluring voice sending sound waves through my ears. Zach stands several feet ahead of me, waiting at the front door in the sleekest black tux with a grin plastered over his lips. He takes a split moment to straighten his cufflinks before a set of gray eyes travel downward, admiring what Victoria managed to put together.
On the other hand, I'm more of a hormonal mess waiting for this night to be over so we can get to more interesting activities.
"It's comfortable but now I know why Vic wanted me in formal wear." I shrug. And I like having your last name on my back. But I don't say that part out loud for obvious reasons.
"You look divine in sweats, pajamas, hell in my uniform..." He wraps a pair of possessive arms around me, glancing down to the plunge where my breasts have come together. "Out of my uniform—I think you know which I prefer."
I roll my eyes at his cockiness, nevertheless, tearing my gaze from his eyes. "Yeah, it's the reason why I can't exactly see my feet anymore."
Zach settles his palm over my belly button before speaking. "And I love every single second that you're nurturing and growing our beautiful baby."
"I love you."
"Okay love birds, off you go." Vic practically pushes us out of the door without giving me a chance to say goodbye to my godson glued to her hip.
I cross my arms dramatically when Zach passes a second fast food restaurant along the way. "You know it's illegal to starve me."
"And it's illegal to look that good." He counters with a sappy comment. I roll my eyes but secretly I love when he compliments me. Words of affirmation were my thing.
"Zachariah, I'm serious. We agreed to dinner first."
The drive had extended longer than my lower back could handle at this point and my hunger never truly paired well with being angry or anxious. And in this moment I was feeling a mixture of both.
Zach chuckles, focus never leaving the road. "No, you agreed to dinner first." He says specifically emphasizing the you part.
I hate it when he's right.
Zach fumbles around in his suit inner pocket and pulls out a few mini packets of fruit snacks to shut me up until we get there and of course his plan works. I'm mid chew into hand full of gummy heaven when the car slows down onto a desolate trail. My eyes squint due to how dark it is outside of the glass windshield and I don't make a move to exit, knowing Zach would be opening my door anyway.
"This better be one fancy secluded dinner type thing or I'm going to scream murder." He guides me out the door with his right hand and a cloth in his left.
Zach chuckles at my dramatics. "You said you wanted to be more spontaneous."
My pupils dilate when met with complete darkness. Zachs arms fall around my figure, leading the way. Its peaceful yet too quiet besides the leaves crinkling underneath the soles of our feet
"Are we there yet? The baby's hungry."
"Sage." I can hear the smile in his voice.
"Is the food now or later? Just give me a hint and I'll shut up."
"Why am I blindfolded again?" I feel the loss of his touch and my body immediately reacts, growing cold.
I no longer hear his steps behind me either. "Zach?" My fingers fidget with the two strands tied around my eyes, blocking my vision. An unsettling feeling digs into the pit of my stomach when I realize he's no longer beside me.
A few more seconds pass by until I undo the knot of the silk fabric. "Zachariah Dean Stone, I swear to—
I don't get to finish my sentence as the blindfold falls around my neck.
Candles.
They're everywhere I turn.
Everywhere I look.
Different sizes are neatly placed down a man made path and illuminated with fire. The area we occupy is no longer pitch black as a result. My focus shifts to the youthful looking trees draped with fairy lights surrounding us.
On them are small laminated polaroid pictures of us throughout the years. My eyes fall on the day in Texas where we made it official again. My head tucked into the crook of his neck as he smiles down at me with so much warmth in his eyes that I might just explode.
Theres a couple of shots from my birthday trip in Europe, a few of Zach teaching Niko how to punt. I smile, meandering further into the moment of capture memories just to relive them over again. Zach stays silent as I take it all in, enjoying every last second.
Slow steps guide me to the edge of the cliff where you can see a clear night sky partnered with Manhattan's lit up skyline.
This is intimate. Something we rarely get because of Zachariah's fame.
When only inches separate us, Zach reaches into his suit and pulls out a small crinkled envelope that looks like it has some years on it, before handing it off to me.
I read the curved handwriting on the front outloud. "To her." My hands tremble as I unfold the flap with unease.
Dear daughter in law,
Fuck. I'm going to lose it and I'm only four words in.
He's going to propose.
I've already rewritten this twice now and sooner or later I won't remember any of it. My words don't make much sense and I'm trying not to stain the paper with tears. Though I'm afraid it's too late. God, I wish I were here to meet you—the woman who has captivated my son's heart and gets to read this letter. If I know my son, I know he's already taken you to my gravesite, because it's what I would've wanted. Zachariah has been through so much I truly don't know how he's still standing tall and being himself in front of me most days. He's strong but I know one day his walls will crumble and he'll need someone to lift him back up. For years he's had football to keep him grounded and now he has you and hopefully a bundle of joy in the future. It's important you know how much you matter to me, to him. He wouldn't have given you this letter otherwise. At this moment I'm wishing for a lot of things.
I wish I could watch you walk down the aisle. I wish I could babysit my grandkids when the two of you have had enough of them. I wish I could watch Zachariah groan in embarrassment as I show you his baby pictures. I wish we could have talked, just once, so I could thank you for making my son the happiest man alive.
With unconditional love,
Aubrey
Unshed tears well at the corners of my eyes as I fold the paper close neatly. "Did you know she was going to start with Dear daughter in law?"
"I had a feeling." Zach is standing at the very end with his hands nervously at his side. One of them fishing in his pocket.
I take a sharp inhale, attempting to compose myself.
"I truly don't know how you managed to turn my world on its axis, but you did it anyway and changed my life for the better. Hell, I don't think I ever stood a chance when I walked into Miles apartment and saw Bria attached to your hip. You opened my eyes and in the same breath gave my life a purpose outside of sports—outside of my anger. You even understand parts of me that I'm ashamed of and that's never driven you away. Sage when I'm around you I never want to leave. You're addicting, my addiction and I want you beside me for the rest of my life no matter your flaws, your mistakes, your imperfections. I want it all and I want it with you, as my wife."
I'm choking back the tears and my hands go over my mouth in shock when Zach gets down on one knee. A fraction of my heart has been waiting for this moment ever since we reconnected and the other parts have enjoyed just being together without the pressure.
Smiling, Zach opens the black velvet lid, revealing the most gorgeous band of silver I have ever laid eyes on. My reflection is visible through the sparkling diamond.
"You are my soul on fire and the air I breathe intertwined. Sage Monet Winters, will you make me the luckiest dad on earth and marry me?"
I'm sniffling and nodding my head yes before he even finishes. Zach lets the tears he was holding fall free before slipping the ring onto my left hand.
It fits perfectly. Just like him and I.
Zach doesn't make a move to get on two feet as he leans toward my belly to speak. "You heard that? Mommy said yes, angel. Now we're just waiting for you to get here."
A flutter erupts in my stomach and I recognize that feeling as two excited feet kicking at my sides. Safe to say we have a little athlete in there. She's never been quite as active as she's been today.
A roar of thunder echoes in the sky and little by little raindrops start to hit the ground by the hundreds. Zach stands up, mirroring my action as we both watch the clouds grow shades darker. Deja vu from our very first kiss invades my mind. Just as Zach leans down to commemorate this moment with a kiss, a noise fest greets our ears.
"Move over Niko! The rain can't mess up my hair."
"No, I was here first!"
My brows furrowed at the two familiar voices bickering in the distance.
"Is that..."
"Yes, yes it is." He sighs, pressing his lips to my forehead instead.
"Uncle Zach can we come out now?!" Leaves off the bushes rustle back and forth confirming my suspicions.
"Hush you two." Victoria scolds the two of them just loud enough for me to hear.
"But mom!"
I roll my eyes fighting back a smile.
"You guys can come out!" Zach shouts, awaiting my reaction.
Izzy is the first at my side with glossy wide eyes. I haven't seen her for almost two weeks and now I know why. She wraps her tiny frame around my large one and squeezes gently. "I'm so sorry I've been acting weird and avoiding you. When Zach told us he was going to propose I nearly lost it and I didn't want to risk ruining the surprise. You know how bad I am at keeping secrets." Izzy rants in one short breath. Jeremy, who's five and a complete momma's boy, is attached to her side and quiet as a mouse.
"Iz, breath." She does as I say, inhaling and exhaling. "It's okay and I completely understand."
She nods and just as I turn around I find Dad and Eleanor afar soaking in the moment, Ezra is clutching the twins hands so they don't run off the cliff, Niko is holding an umbrella for Bria despite their recent quarrel, Victoria is grinning from ear to ear while holding Milo in his baby carrier and Miles is practically forcing my fiancé to hug him back.
Regardless of the rain drizzling on all of us, I'm the most content I've ever been and it's because of him that I have my happily ever after.
THE END
And that's a wrap! For real this time lol. Gosh, this feels so surreal to type. I can't believe this is it. You guys have been the best readers on the planet and I'm not ready to see you all leave.
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