I woke up with a blanket draped over me. I didn't remember getting comfortable last night, since I was in utter turmoil.
I remember locking the door and collapsing onto the bed, crying my eyes out until I drifted off.
Everything just hurt to talk about and admitting that I had a miscarriage to Colby sent me over the edge.
I wish I never told him because he was going to look at me differently. He was going to see me as a charity case more than he ever has before.
I didn't want that and I didn't want him going soft for me again. He left me when I needed him most and I would never forget that.
I would never get through the abandonment issues that were instilled in me.
The one person I have ever truly love, left me.
I wouldn't forget that.
After calling Colby I decided I wanted to take a long hot shower since I was actually getting to have some alone time.
It made me a little nervous being alone but apparently there was someone standing guard outside.
That made me possibly a little more nervous, but I didn't want to think about it too much.
I got in the shower and let the hot water calm my muscles. I didn't have anything fancy to use in the shower but just being able to relax was enough.
When I got out I towel dried my hair and got dressed into some comfortable clothes.
When I was walking out to the living room there was knock on the door, sending a chill down my spine.
I walked over and looked through the peep hole to see a guy standing in front of the door with a pizza.
I forgot Colby ordered me some food.
I opened the door to see the guy holding out the pizza, looking down.
It was almost like he was afraid to look at me.
"Thanks?" I said and took the box, going back into the apartment.
He didn't say anything, just turned back around as I shut the door.
"Fucking weirdos." I mumbled and went over to the couch.
I wasn't hungry so I put it on the table in front of me and grabbed the coloring book that was sitting next to it.
I let myself zone out, coloring in the coloring book. It was a good way to keep my mind off of everything.
I didn't want to think about anything because I had done enough crying to last me a lifetime.
I must have been really distracted because I jumped at the door opening, Colby coming into the apartment.
"Did I scare you?" He asked as I nodded. "Little bit." I said and looked at the bag in his hand.
"What's that?" I asked as he looked down.
"Oh, I thought you would want something other than the coloring book." He said and came over, putting the bag on the couch next to me.
"Just because I told you about..well...about you know what, doesn't mean you need be overly nice." I said and looked in the bag.
Inside were two canvases and a couple containers of paint and some pencils.
"Yeah, I know." Colby said and went to the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water.
"We do need to talk about it though." He said and undid the cap of the bottle, bringing it to his lips.
"Or we could not." I said and pulled my legs onto the couch.
"I deserve to know." He said as I squinted at him. "You deserve nothing." I said as he chuckled.
"I feel bad, alright? I made a mistake and want to make things right." Colby said as I sighed.
"There's nothing else to really say." I said with a shrug.
"Tell me everything." He said and came to sit on the couch with me. "What do you mean by everything?" I asked and hugged my knees.
"From the day I left until now." He said as I squinted.
"Why?" I asked as he sighed. "Because, Julia. You were sobbing last night telling me I ruined your life, I would like to know more of what I did." He said with a serious tone.
"Well. When you left I fell apart but thanks to Sam and the girls I was able to get my new life started." I explained, picking at my fingers.
"I took the kids to Spokane and we got a house. That was the only thing I used your money for...well that and drugs." I said, remembering how dark things got.
"I would put the kids to bed and take as many pills as I could, letting the high occupy my mind before the sadness could." I explained, not looking at Colby.
I knew if I looked at him, I would fall apart.
"I was on a bender for three months before I found out I was pregnant." I said quietly. "I was four months pregnant with a baby boy." I whispered, my voice cracking.
"I immediately stopped taking the pills and tried to get myself together. It wasn't enough though." I said and closed my eyes.
"Hey.." Colby said and reached over, putting his hand on my knee. "Don't." I whispered, flinching away from him.
"Since I had the kids, I had to get over it and move on. I couldn't let them see me like that." I said and finally looked up at him.
There was a somber look on his face, but he was paying close attention to me and what I was saying.
"I got my shit together and started going to school. I got a stable job and I just became a mom." I said and looked down.
"Everything I did was for my siblings." I said with a sigh. "Everything." I mumbled, feeling my heart ache.
"And how did you meet Adam?" He asked as I sighed. "I got pulled over. I woke up late and was speeding trying to get the kids to school." I said, breathing a laugh at the memory.
"I didn't have my ID on me so I had to bring it to the station." I said then remember something.
"Wait." I said and looked up at him. "What's wrong?" He asked with confusion.
"When I went home, I couldn't find my wallet. I remembered leaving it on the dresser but it wasn't there. It was under my bed." I said as he nodded.
"He knew about you before you knew about him." Colby said as a chill ran down my spine.
"Ew." I said and hugged myself. "So you went to the police station and gave him your ID?" He asked as I nodded.
"Yeah. I got his number and we started seeing eachother. He was nice and the kids really liked him." I said with a sigh.
"Then the kids were gone and he got mean and well..." I said, feeling my heart start to race.
"And what?" Colby asked as I shook my head. "He got abusive." I mumbled causing him to clench his jaw.
"He would force me to do things. I didn't have a choice..he was just so much stronger." I said as Colby stood up, pacing the room.
The sudden action caused me to flinch.
"What are you doing?" I asked as he clenched his fist, pacing back and forth.
"I want to fucking kill him." He said, not looking at me.
"I didn't sleep with anyone else but you...and I guess now him, ya know." I said quietly causing him to look up at me.
"Really?" He asked as I nodded. "The kiss you saw in the club between Adam and I was the first kiss I had since you." I admitted as he closed his eyes.
"I'm sorry for calling you a whore." He said as I nodded. "Yeah and I'm not sorry for calling you a whore. Are we done with the interrogation now?" I asked and grabbed the coloring book again.
I didn't want to open up to Colby anymore. I had said enough and didn't want another reason for him to be able to hurt me.
"It's not an interrogation. I just needed some information. I don't know what this guys motive really is." Colby said as I nodded.
"It's to get to me so you'll be distracted. You don't love me anymore so it should be fairly simple to not show it." I said, absentmindedly coloring in my book.
"Right." Colby said then opened the pizza box. "You didn't eat anything?" He asked as I shook my head.
"Not hungry." I said with a shrug. "You've gotta eat, Julia. I don't really care if you're hungry or not." He said and slid the box closer to me after taking a slice.
I huffed out a breath then leaned forward and grabbed a slice, not wanting to argue.
"One more question then I'm done. You mentioned that there were guys coming up to you a lot. Do you remember what any of them looked like?" Colby asked.
"Jealous?" I asked as he scoffed. "You're so annoying sometimes. No, I think they were from Adam's gang. I need to find them before they find you." He explained with a sigh.
"They looked like basic white guys. I don't know what to tell you." I said as he nodded. "Alright. If you need me I'll be on the balcony." He said then turned and went outside.
I felt a little weird after telling Colby everything. It was also a little therapeutic, but I didn't want to talk about it anymore.
The past hurt me and I didn't want him to hurt me more with that information.
He probably wouldn't do that, but as far as I was concerned I could hardly trust him with anything.
Especially my heart.