Hi! I'm sorry for the long wait.
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Here we go!
Since Maya has returned to my life, I am struggling to keep the rhythm organized and precise of my daily life as it was before. Since I returned to work, with Viviana still a baby, I have always respected the schedules in an almost obsessive way, leaving no room for anything else: kid, work, home, bath, pajamas, Sunday activities everything had a precise time and a precise space to be respected. I've been messing around since Maya had the accident, but as long as, in the early days, my role was limited to accompanying her here or there I had simply readjusted the daily routine with new schedules, fitting everything perfectly.
It's since Maya demands more, but I also want more from our relationship, that I'm really struggling. I believe that at some point the obsessive order of things became a defense mechanism, which I cannot get rid of now. The idea of being able to rely on Maya and let myself go in an all-encompassing way with her still scares me. I am caught between the desire to do it and the habit, or fear, of getting by myself for everything. In recent days I have felt so strongly my balance faltering and it has made me so afraid, that I had to recur to the therapist of the hospital, which in theory is made available for patients, but many times she found at her door doctors and nurses. Already in the past, I went to psychotherapy, when Viviana was just one year old and, again, I was torn on how to make ends meet and what name to give to my fears. After a short journey I simply found my balance, I learned to ask my brother or friends for a little more help, but, in the end, I simply found the right routine, without realizing that the right routine now is caging me and not allowing me to breathe. Not being able to explain all this to Maya then does nothing but increase my walls, which Maya hardly tries to break down, obtaining the opposite effect, so I close myself even more and we end up just arguing, exactly as happened on Sunday evening when we returned from my birthday.
It is since the return trip in the car that I feel anxiety assault me and bite my throat, because I am already fearing the moment when for obvious reasons Maya will want to stop and sleep here. It's not that I don't want to, but getting caught in bed with a person by my daughter or risking her hearing our moans mixing is not in my goals as a mom, even if this person is Maya. I have already tried to explain it to Maya, but evidently something is broken in our systems of communicating and understanding. And then I also think about all the things I have to do tonight, prepare for the week and schedule all the things I have to do tomorrow morning, which is Monday. I don't know if I sincerely have time for Maya and distractions.
After putting Vivi to bed I approach the living room in the same mood as if I were facing the walk of final shame towards the gallows. Unexpectedly, however, I find Maya still with her shoes on her feet, who seems ready to leave, and a shadow of disappointment runs through my face. Yes, I know, I'm extremely spoiled and moody I know.
C < are you going?> I ask and she smirks.
M < it seems to me that you didn't want me here...> she admits, going directly to the point. Surely, I can't say her she's right.
C < as usual, you make and break things on your own...> I say, attacking her to defending me. Maya sighs, throwing her head back on the couch and closing her eyes.
M < I really don't want to argue, Carina...> and when she calls me with my entire name, I feel a thrill running through my back.
C < so change the attitude!>
M < am I the one who has to change the attitude?!> she asks ironically. She opens her eyes, but also she gets up from the couch, coming a few steps away from me. < first, you was offended by a stupid joke, then you see that your daughter doesn't hate me, so you come back to me, but...but then it's time to stay alone with me and it seems that this sucks for you...> I shake my head, but she talks again. < still when you scream my name it doesn't seem to me that you dislike me so much...> she is quieter, but more poisonous. I barely laugh, bitterly.
C < as always for you the only thing that matters is sex. You always reduce everything to sex!>
M < tell me what else I could possibly talk about... there is nothing between us, Carina!> her sentence hurts me so much that I have to sit. Maya shuts up to let settle the force and the consequences of her phrase between us.
C < what do you mean?> and I don't have the courage to look her in the face, because when I said I love her, I really meant it, even if maybe I'm not able anymore to show it as a normal person.
M < be honest, Car. Since we met again things are changed and a lot. Before I sensed that you wanted to spend time with me, you used to do somersaults to take me to my physiotherapy, to be there at my medical appointments... since when I am better, there is no more space for me, neither for us..>
C < I just told you I love you...> I whisper. Maya nods.
M < yeah. It was an exception, indeed. A moment of light, but if you watch all our situation in general you can feel something is wrong.. > again, I can't help but admit she is right.
C < what are you trying to say?> Maya shrugs and seem to me suddenly so tired.
M < I'm trying to say to you, for months now, that I want to stay with you..>
C < we have been together...> Maya smirks.
M < I didn't mean sexually...> she specifies and I pass my hands on my face, exhausted.
C < what do you want, Maya? Can you please talk clearly? Please!>
M < I talk clearly for months. You are the one who doesn't know what wants..> she attacks me, making me feel nervous.
C < just stop speak in my place!> I react with anger.
M < every time we speak, YOU talk about sex, you accuse me to just want to fuck...so? Yeah, I want to fuck you! What's the problem in this?>
C < why are you still there? What would you want to do? Fuck me on the kitchen's table?> I don't know why I say exactly these things that are exactly my erotic dream from the other night. Maya's pupils dilate and she swallows.
M < even if it was the case, what would be the problem?>
C < so, I am the problem, Maya?> she nods.
M < yes, Carina, yes! You are the one who doesn't understand that I want everything! I want to fuck you on the kitchen's table, I want to make love to you on bed in the morning, I want to just sleep with you, I want to eat with you, not only on you, I want to go on Sunday's trip, I want to share the bills, I want to vent if I had a problem on the job and I want you to do the same..> I swallow in trouble. < I want to take Vivi at kindergarten with you, or I want to be the first you call when you can't go to pick up her in the afternoon.. I don't want to come after everybody else... I want to be always the first when it's about Vivi, I want to play with her, I want to put her in bed at night...> as a reaction I'm about to laugh and she stops immediately.
M < do you find it funny?>
C < no, but I think you make everything so easy... too much easy, maybe...> she shakes her head.
M < I never said it's easy. I said it's what I want and it's what I want to work to... I know it takes time before Vivi can even remotely see me as a reference point, but that's what I want. I would love you could be happy about that, you could be by my side... instead it seems you are bothered by this..>
C < I already told you. It doesn't bother me, but I think you make it too easy..> she spread her arms wide, tired.
M < so what should I do then?> I look at her and I don't know what to answer, so she sighs.
M < this way it's not good for me, Carina..> she whispers after a while and I can hear my heart breaks in a thousand pieces. As a reaction, though, I laugh and I attack.
C < yeah, obviously! The moment you realize things are harder, you leave!!> Maya shakes her head.
M < I leave if I realize that I'm alone in all this, Car. I'm not leaving because things are hard.. you're not here, you're not ready to want me the same way I want you..> I shake my head and I fell tears that want to go out my eyes, but I try to hold me.
C < I had sex with you, because you promised me you would stay, Maya...> and she shakes her head.
M < I can't stay if you don't want me..> I open my mouth, but the wrong words keep to slip away from me.
C < what do you want to hear, Maya? I already told you how it is difficult to make it all fit together! How much it's fragile the balance me and my daughter built for years..>
M < so there is no place for me...> she interrupts me, raising her voice, to compare it to mine.
C < I AM HER MOTHER, Maya!!> I exclaim and, in this moment, I see every fiber of Maya's body become ice.
M < fuck you, Car, fuck you!!> she cries a few centimeters away from my face. I'm about to talk, but she yells at me. < maybe you were right when you said I had to get angry to you too, because you are a bitch! You were right when you said you are not changed, because you've gotten worse! You're just a fucking immature!>
C < Maya...> I would to patch it up, but she doesn't give me any possibility.
M < now you can find someone else to fuck you, because maybe it is the only thing you are still able to ...> and she leaves slamming the door, making me understand that I am really not good enough to love. Not anymore.
Speaking of changing the routine, usually on Wednesdays I stop a little longer in the office to dispose of the bureaucracy, while Maya comes to pick up Vivi at kindergarten. It has happened at least in the last eight Wednesdays, except today, that between a commitment and a quarrel it was up to me. Viviana runs in my arms happy, she immediately shows me the drawing she made today, making me promise that it will be added to the ten sheets hanging from the fridge and then gets into the car, so that I can hook her to the seat. I usually try to be a big talker with my daughter, but today I can't and silence reigns among us.
V < mamma?> she calls me after a few seconds.
C < tell me, baby!> I try to show some enthusiasm, while I look at her from the rearview mirror.
V < where is Maya?> she asks me: she is used to see her outside school.
C < you know today she couldn't come...>
V < why?> I sigh.
C < she has to stay at home because today her friend from France is coming...> I explain, feeling jealousy tears my stomach. Actually, Maya could easily have picked up my daughter, but last night's exchange of texts, after two days of total silence, was quite exhaustive.
C: hi. Will you pick up Vivi tomorrow?
M: tomorrow I can't, I already told you Katia arrives.
C: you said to me you could make it in time.. - I insist.
M: of course, I would make it in time. Maybe though, since you claim your ONLY role of ONLY mother, maybe you should think better to VV's wellness...
C: what would you say?
M: I don't know what it the meaning of make her spend time with me, if then both of us, me and VV, have to suffer.
And, to be honest, I didn't have the courage to answer her.
V < mamma, Maya's friend is a friend like you?> she asks me, making me smile.
C < no, I hope no..> I answer vaguely. After some more minute of silence, we are going to a park a little more distant from our house, but very nice where I'm going to take Viviana to play, she talks again.
V < mamma, why am I without a father?> I swallow in trouble: I didn't believe this conversation to happen this soon.
C < why are you so curios?> I see her shrugs.
V < everybody has to people that pick them to school: a mother and a father.. so why for me no?>
C < cucciola, you know that to bring a child into the world you need a piece of a boy and a piece of a girl.. sometimes this boy and this girl are good together, they love each other, they have fun together and so they live in the same house, with the baby... and they are called mommy and daddy..> Viviana nods, but she seems a little confused and I ask myself how could it be so difficult for a Gynecologist to explain this thing.
V < so where my boy's piece?> I sigh.
C < there was, but mamma can't find him anymore, so we are only me and you..>
V < and why he didn't want us?>
C < no, baby, absolutely not! Your father doesn't know you exist, he doesn't know you're such a big and good kid..> Viviana nods, lost in thoughts.
V < and why Rebecca has two mommies?> I raise my eyes to the sky, cursing the traffic that makes this journey to the park so long.
C < they also need a piece of a boy, but then they, Reby's mothers, love each other and chose to stay together as a couple, living together...> Viviana has her gaze fixed on the rearview mirror to look at me better.
V < so can I have to mommies too?> I laugh.
C < it's not a thing you can choose..>
V < oh, ok...> she seems to think about it. < but what is the difference between boy and girl?> oh God.
C < you know, mamma already told you once...do you remember? What do you have between your legs?>
V < a tiny hole!> she exclaims after thinking about that for a while. I smile.
C < yeah, that. Boys are different from us, because they have a little extra piece ...>
V < like Maya, mommy?> I thank God that I'm stopped at a red light, because for the shock I make a mess with pedals and I turn off the car.
C < how do you know that?> she shrugs.
V < Maya told me. Once she gave me a bath and she told me that..>
C < what do you mean?> I ask, not entirely comfortable to the idea that Maya talks about sex with my daughter who is a three and half years old.
V < I wanted her to have a bath with me and I cried... I cried a lot, mamma, because she didn't want...> I nod, now calmer.
C < has she tell you why?> Viviana nods.
V < yeah, it was sooo good!!> she naively says, making me smile. < so mommy, can I call her daddy?> I laugh.
C < no, baby. If you want you can call her mommy too. But you have to ask her permission...> I assure that Viviana really understands this before she makes Maya die of a heart attack.
V < mamma, can we please call her? I reeeaally want to play with her!!!> she begs me and I have to really resist a lot saying her no. Suddenly all the weight of Maya's words yesterday falls on my shoulders, leaving me alone and confused, while Viviana runs to play with everyone.