A Final Calm
I think one of the most confusing things someone can experience in their life is to be both too cold and too hot at the same time. Working to block off the entryways into the fortress helped to provide such a feeling. I still recoiled at every freezing gust that rocked my body, still shivered against the irritating and bitter cold that wracked my face. Yet at the same time, everything under my wool cap was so humid and damp that I could have entered a sauna and seen no change. And that wasn't even mentioning the bizarre mix of chills and heat I was feeling in my chest. Still, the fact that I was able to feel anything at all was enough for me, and actually feeling heat at all was a nice change of pace considering my previous circumstances.
At the very least, nature itself had decided to cut us something of a break, for what that was worth. The dense tree line was completely littered with dead and decaying branches and sticks, half of which seemed frozen solid. Heck, some of the things were larger than my forearm, and came up to my thighs when placed across the path. I'd like to see Blackstone try getting across that with giant rams weighing them down. Then again, I suppose I wasn't exactly the tallest person out there. Still, every little bit counts, right? At least, that's what I told myself as I piled another armful of thick, heavy branches beside my previous five or six.
The rest of the gathered party mostly consisted of knights and rangers, with the Rangers collecting and melting snow while the legion went about moving more and more debris across our surroundings. Chief among them being Berrat and Stone, each directing their respective groups. Berrat commanded the Rangers as though he were completing a puzzle, his hand to his chin as he looked over every piece of the surrounding land. Stone, on the other hand, saw fit to yell at the other members of his legion as though he were a foreman at a lumber mill, one who may or may not have woken up on the wrong side of the bed. To absolutely no one's surprise, the grand elder had decided not to show up, despite none of his other rangers being around. More notable, however, was Liam's absence.
When I left him, he did seem genuinely better. The swelling was completely gone from his stab wound, and the seemingly never ending shivers had finally stopped. Still, even in his sleep he almost looked fragile, so much of him was curled up close to himself, as if trying to preserve or protect himself. Seeing him so vulnerable tore at my heart worse than anything I'd ever seen travelling on the road. So, despite my frustration and embarrassment at the, shall we say, "suggestions" from the other two men last night, I did lie next to him that night. I set down another branch I'd been inspecting as I thought back to that night...
I couldn't stand to see him shivering any more, whimpering so much... Was he having another nightmare? I carefully took his shoulder and shook while calling his name, not hard and not loud, just enough to hopefully wake him. Sure enough, his eyes slowly opened and he started breathing heavily. He looked around for a moment like he wasn't sure where he was, and he only seemed to relax when his eyes fell on me. I smiled softly and rubbed his arm as his breathing slowed, relief practically pouring out of him.
"Liam? Are you okay?" I asked, still rubbing his arm gently.
"I am... forgive me. I didn't mean to wake you." He replied. At this point I wondered if his good nature had any limits. The man had a hole in the side of stomach and was just suffering from a nightmare, and he apologized to me? After I was the one who woke him up, no less? He was too good of a man, I thought. He didn't deserve any of this.
I don't know if it was him still shivering, or the idea of him having another nightmare, but I couldn't bear the thought of him going back to sleep, not alone, at least. In the back of my mind, I could hear Berrat's words from only an hour prior. I had to admit, even with Stone's teasing, I didn't hate the idea. It scared the absolute crap out of me, but I didn't hate it. I knew trusted Liam enough not to try anything, so if it would give him peace of mind... maybe...
"Do..." I stuttered, my voice shaking. Well, so much for staying composed. I looked away for a moment, taking in a deep breath before exhaling. Relax, I told myself, it's not offering yourself, I tried to tell myself. Liam was someone I cared for deeply, not some random tavern keeper offering a place to stay. Besides, we weren't going to do anything. I was making sure he was okay, that was all. When I managed to look back at Liam, I could see he wore a patient, if tired, expression on his face. Just get it out, I thought...
"Do you want me to lay with you? Just so you can rest a bit easier?" Liam's breathing seemed to cease for a moment. The pause was brief, but it was enough to throw my heart into a panic. Had I offended him? I knew Wardens swore not to partake of 'the flesh' until they were married, but that's not what I meant. He knew that, right? But then why had he seemed so shocked? I felt my breath catch in my throat as I tried to brace myself, ready for his steadfast, possibly angry refusal.
Instead... he just looked at me for a minute, uttering not even a single word as he stared into my soul. Then, he gently lifted one of his arms, raising the blanket and exposing his tunic and trousers. I felt my heart race as he held the blanket just high enough, as if to invite me closer. Taking a deep breath, I slowly climbed beside him and slid just under his arm, resting one of my hands gently on his chest. When I did, he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close as he closed his eyes, wrapping us both in the warm blanket. Firmly, but still gently.
Be still my heart, right? Darn thing could have been mistaken for an overzealous blacksmith as far as I was concerned. Both his, and mine. Honestly, I still don't know how I managed to pry myself away this morning. If anything other than imminent death was at stake, I'm not sure I could have. I won't lie, I enjoyed being that close to him, both of us oblivious to the rest of the world, just taking comfort in one another. It was... surreal. I'd never felt that way about anyone else. I'd had crushes before, but they never felt anything like last night. Last night I felt like I was at peace, I guess, if that makes any sense? Like...
Come on, focus, I told myself, focus! Blackstone was marching towards us even now, there wasn't time for me to be daydreaming! I tried to put those thoughts of Liam in the back of my mind as I began grabbing branches again, not really paying attention to how big they were. There would be time to think about this once Blackstone was dealt with, well, if Blackstone was dealt with. I wouldn't say that I was pessimistic about our chances, but come on, how many of our guys were left? To say we'd need a miracle would be generous. Heck, maybe even several miracles.
"Hey, you still with us?" I suddenly heard Stone ask from my left, his voice sounding tired and strained. At first I was surprised to hear him, and gave a confused look as I turned towards him. His weapons were casually hanging from his belt and back as he held a set of massive branches in his arms, each of them looking almost as tall as I was. I hadn't even heard anything from that way before he said something, when did he come up to me? Easy, I told myself. I'd probably been so distracted by my own thoughts that I hadn't noticed him sneak up on me. I needed to get better about that sort of thing, it was starting to happen far too often for my tastes... Trying to play off my surprise, I chuckled and looked towards him.
"And where else would I be, Stone? I said I'd be here, didn't I?" I shot back. Stone seemed mostly unimpressed with my response, and simply set down the branches beside my own work. Somehow, the darn thing was almost as tall as all of the bundles I had made, how exactly did that work, I thought?
"Yeah, that's not what I mean, and I think you know that." He said, taking a breath as he set aside the branches and stood back up. Oh come on, was I really this easy to read now? Had actually feeling safe made me too eager to let my guard down? Seriously, everyone I spoke with these days was sizing me up almost as fast as I could size them up. Still, I couldn't deny that Stone was right. I knew what he was talking about, and more to the point, I knew who he was talking about. Sighing, I set my own branches down and began to arrange them with the largest of the bundles.
"Yeah, I'm here, Stone. Just thinking is all." I replied. Stone seemed to nod back and kneeled beside me, working on his own grouping of branches.
"I assumed as much. What were you thinking about?" He asked.
"Now, that's none of your business." I said back, shooting him an acknowledging look. I knew good and darn well what he was implying, and frankly, I didn't appreciate it. Stone chuckled to himself, but never shifted his gaze as he kept to his work.
"Ah, come on, you stayed with my best friend last night, and I'm curious." He said, almost whining as he did. I scoffed at him and shook my head, looking away.
"Nothing happened, if that's what you're worried about." I said, sounding a bit more bitter than I had intended. Great, I thought. He'd probably misread that and think the opposite, wrong as it was. Laying with someone wasn't anything if it didn't go anywhere. That was all I did, lay beside him. That's all...
"Oh I believe that. Liam is too good a man to go against his oaths like that, all I'm asking is whether he's okay or not." He said. The tone in his voice gave away his lie before anything else. Whether he wanted to admit it or not, he was curious about what had happened between us, I could tell by both his voice, and his insistence. He was just retreating because he knew I was getting angry. Still, I didn't get the impression he didn't care about Liam's condition either. That part was at least true. So, with a sigh, I gave up that piece of information, if nothing else.
"He's better, at least. Swelling is gone, and he's not shivering in his sleep anymore." I answered, turning away from him so he couldn't get a good look at my face. Probably a good call, honestly, I could already feel the flush returning to my cheeks as I thought about waking up beside him. Stone's reply didn't come right away, though I dared not look back at him to see what he was doing.
"Well that's a start. You think he'll be good enough to fight when Blackstone comes?" He eventually asked. His tone had shifted now. Where before there had been gentle prodding and teasing, now there was concern, a genuine concern. I didn't like the thought of that question, not one bit. I know it was different, but I hadn't exactly felt great even with two days of rest when I'd been stabbed. Honestly, I'd argue it was even worse for him, at least my trek beforehand had been in relatively mild weather, even if it was about a day longer. That man had marched all night through a blizzard, without even once resting for the sake of his injuries as far as I knew. The idea of him marching off to fight after all of that, well, it didn't sit right with me. Then again, I knew him too well by now.
"You think he'd really just sit back even if he wasn't?" I asked somberly as I looked at Stone. His head sunk a bit as he turned away. It was a pointless question, I knew that. We both already knew the answer.
Before Stone could answer me, I noticed a high pitched creaking, followed just as suddenly by a grinding noise. That would have been enough to grab my attention on any other day, but now it seemed especially grabbing. I knew that sound, it was the gate leading into the fortress. Abandoning the beaches at my feet, I turned behind me to get an eye on it, and noticed a few things. First, I wasn't the only one who took notice, just about every other Ranger and Legion warrior had turned to see what the deal was as well, including Stone, and further in the distance, Berrat. Second was the slowly opening gate, and just through the gaps, was what appeared to be a gathering of people. More than that, the first of them didn't even wait for the gate to fully open before making their way outside the walls.
"The heck is going on?" Stone asked as he rose and took a few steps closer. Now more than a little curious myself, I followed his example and walked closer to the fortress, passing up some of the other knights in the process. Slowly, more and more of the crowd began to spill out of the fortress as the gates continued to grind open. It was much bigger than I expected, even from a distance I estimated maybe twenty people in it, possibly even more. Old, young, man, woman, it seemed every assortment of person was part of that crowd. Were these people coming out to help us? I admit, that's what I had hoped for, but this was a lot more people than I was expecting!
Out of the corner of my vision, I could see that Berrat had crossed his arms and had a grin slowly spreading over his face. Not just any smile, I realized, this was a proud smile. Looking more closely at the crowd, it wasn't long before I was able to see why. Leading the crowd was a familiar looking woman, and seeing her was enough to make me smile too. It was Nala, beaming proudly as she steadily led the gathering of forward, heck, they almost looked like they had practiced this the night before. I'll admit, knowing Nala was at the center of this made it make a lot more sense.
"Nala my dear, you save the day once again!" Berrat said, his face absolutely beaming as he walked towards her. I wasn't sure I'd call it saving the day, but having a bunch of people come out to help was one heck of a step in that direction. Nala herself laughed as she opened her arms and hugged her husband, the two of them spinning a bit as they embraced and kissed. Yeah, call it cheesy, but I thought that was adorable. When the two released one another, they took a second to just stare at each other before each of them turned back to the crowd.
"People of Herongale! I thank you for standing by us in our hour of need! Let us stand together against this coming menace!" Berrat yelled as he lifted one hand into the air, keep the other comfortably slung around his wife's side. A mild round of cheers and approval followed, though the sluggishness of it made me wonder just how awake some of those people really were. Still, best not to knock a gift horse on the mouth, right? I'd just mentioned we'd need a lot of miracles.
"You heard the man, let's get to work all of you! We can't let all these pretty young folk do all the hard work!" Nala shouted after the crowd had finished their cheering. Some members of the crowd began to rush off towards the other rangers, but most stayed where they were, looking around at the surrounding trees. Probably didn't know where to start.
"Well, I certainly hope I wasn't supposed to say anything." Stone said, crossing his arms as he observed the event. Both Berrat and Nala had begun to direct the new volunteers, and seemed to be splitting them into two groups.
"I doubt it, probably didn't want you messing anything up." I snarked. I was able to see just enough of Stone in my periphery to see him point a finger at me, arms still crossed.
"Probably right, but screw you." He said. I laughed a bit at his response. Eventually, the two groups split off, Berrat taking about half of the volunteers and meeting up with his rangers. Nala led the other half towards us, her eyes falling on me as she made her way closer. I could practically feel the warmth in her smile as she opened her arms and gave a soft but hearty chuckle.
"Deborah my dear, so good to see you!" She said in between her laughs. I smiled back and walked forward to greet her. I both was, and wasn't surprised when she wrapped her arms around me and gave me a big hug. I was quick to hug her back and even laughed with her a bit.
"It's good to see you too, Nala." I said back as she gently released me, both of us still holding onto one another's arms. I couldn't help but be amazed by her. In one fell swoop she'd doubled the amount of people helping get this place ready, and I hadn't even gotten one!
"Nala, this is amazing, how'd you get so many people to help?" I asked incredulously. Nala chuckled to herself before releasing one of my shoulders, then gently poking me in the chest.
"I was inspired, sweetie! Berrat told me all about what you said last night!" She exclaimed before fully letting me go. Me? Inspiring her? I don't know why but something about that just, I don't know, it struck me! I could scarcely contain my amazement!
"Me? How?" I asked more to myself than anyone else. Nala either didn't realize, or chose to answer anyway.
"When Berrat told me what you were doing, and why you were doing it? I thought of what you and your boy have been through, chased down by that awful legion, and even after so much hardship, you never gave up!" She said, pausing for emphasis as she placed a hand on her chest.
"And I thought to myself 'Nala, if that sweet girl can face so much, and still rise to the occasion, why can't you?' And then I thought;" She said before theatrically turning to the rest of the volunteers.
"Why not all of us?" She beamed, presenting each of the volunteers as though they were grand prizes. Half the poor people seemed more embarrassed than anything by Nala's presentation, but the trick worked regardless. The idea that my struggles had inspired this, even indirectly? It hit me in a way I'm not sure I could describe. Honestly, I almost felt like crying. Somehow I managed to hold myself together, thankfully, before Nala turned back to me, pointing a finger gently at me.
"So I tell you now sweetie, you just tell us what to do, and Herongale will see it done!" She declared. Her speech seemed to inspire and reinvigorate me in an instant, and I honestly just couldn't stop smiling! Even Stone seemed to be moved, as his stance straightened and he almost looked proud to stand by me. Imagine that, a knight proud to be standing by me? Looking over the rest of this gathered crowd, I could feel a sense of determination rise in me. We were gonna do this, and we were gonna make it through the attack.
"Well alright then, Nala. Let's get this done!"
—-
I've heard a number of people say that aiding in someone's suicide is tantamount to murder, taking advantage of someone not in their right mind and all. I've never been quite sure I fully agreed with that sentiment. After all, if a shopkeeper offers a discount on a sturdy set of rope, and then someone hangs themself with said rope, can you really blame the shopkeep? It's not as if he orchestrated the thing, or even wanted that particular outcome. I mention this because as night approached, Liam had become insistent on donning his armor, joining his men, and standing watch in case Blackstone arrived. Problem being, he was still too sore to do it himself, and needed help. No points for guessing who he asked for help with that particular task.
"For the record, I still think you should be resting." I said to him as I tightened one of the gauntlets on his arm. Liam grimaced a bit in response, but otherwise didn't really seem bothered by it.
"I cannot ask my men to face a threat I myself would not. It is only right that I stand by their side." He asserted, clenching and unclenching his fist as I took a step back. Again with his nobility, I thought. I think there's a cruel irony in that so many knights were awful because they lacked any, and now it was killing the one good one that had it. I tried not to let myself get too lost in that train of thought as I retrieved the second gauntlet from the table and turned to Liam. Dutifully, he held his other arm aloft, waiting for me.
"Yeah well, if you keep this up, you won't be able to stand by much of anything before long." I rebutted as I helped him slide on the second gauntlet. For a moment, I noticed his expression dim, and he looked down toward the ground, as if he were pondering something. Oh great, I thought, I'd insulted him. I wasn't trying to berate him, yet somehow I knew that's how he felt about it. I paused and sighed as I focused my attention back onto the gauntlet.
"Sorry, I don't mean to lecture you." I said quietly, tightening the last strap against his wrist as I did. Liam grimaced again as he looked up, this time gritting his teeth as he did. He didn't seem to immediately respond to me, instead twisting his arm a bit to more closely observe the gauntlet. Too frustrated or disheartened to respond to me, maybe? Way to go if that was the case, right? Guy was already feeling guilty that he hadn't aided in our defenses, and now I hit him with that?
"Look, I know I don't have any right to tell you what to do and what not to. It's just that I..." My words caught in my throat as I realized I had no idea what to say. That I was scared to lose him? Already did that once, and it hadn't exactly stopped him before. That I needed him? That felt a little desperate, too obsessed, I'd argue. Still, I couldn't help but linger on that thought, that I needed him, that is. Part of me seemed to have this intense fear that I'd just fall apart without him. Was I really that desperate to latch onto the first good man I'd found?
"You what, Deborah?" Liam asked, temporarily breaking me from my stupor. I crossed my arms and looked up towards him, his face was soft, a patient expression written across it. Even now I could feel my heart fluttering just seeing him, my mind seeming to break down as I stared at him. I sighed and shook my head as I tried to force myself to say something, anything, to him.
"I'm just scared this is it, I guess." I admitted, walking back towards the table. The only thing left on it was Liam's helmet, the empty black slits for the eyes staring deep into me as I stepped closer. It almost felt like it was urging me to keep talking, spill my guts more than I already had. Placing one hand on either side of the helmet, I lifted it to my chest as I looked down at it, considering it for a moment longer. It was strange, I knew it was just a piece of steel, nothing more. Yet, it seemed to have that same gentle, understanding look Liam had given me, patiently waiting for me to be comfortable enough to speak. Crazy, I know, but I just couldn't help but feel that way. Well, no harm in saying anything now, I guess.
"I have been putting on a brave face for as long as I can remember, acting like the way this world works doesn't bother or frighten me." I admitted, turning back to Liam as I did, still carrying that gentle, silently persuasive look.
"You're the only one I've ever felt comfortable enough with to stop pretending. To just let myself be scared, and vulnerable. The idea that I'm going to lose you too is just..." Again I felt myself unable to speak, my body almost refusing to let me say what I wanted. Come on, I thought, just let me say it!
"I understand completely, Deborah." Liam said before I could force out the words. I could practically hear my heart skip a beat as he stood up, and I absentmindedly set the helmet back on the table. Liam breathed deep, exhaling loudly as he seemed to calm himself down.
"When I realized Mercy had been in your room, I was terrified." He admitted. "At first I thought it was because I'd failed to honor my oath, that I'd failed to uphold my honor yet again." He explained, taking a few short steps toward me. Before I realized it, I'd started doing the same.
"But travelling alone towards Herongale, after I'd left you, I realized that wasn't why." Liam took another deep breath, almost like it was difficult for him to speak.
"I realized that you'd made me feel protected. Your very presence seemed to drive away my nightmares, gave me a strength to press on past what should have been certain doom. Even last night, when I faced them again, you snapped me out of my visions..." He said slowly, reaching his hand forward. My heart began beating even faster when I felt him take my hand, gently squeezing it as I leaned into him. I could barely even breathe, yet I felt more at peace than I ever had.
"...more than that, you stayed by me. Held me close..." He said softly, placing his other hand softly on my cheek. The coarse leather was a bit rough against my skin, but at this point, I could care less. If he was saying what I thought he was, the thing could have been made from glass for all I cared. I couldn't help but beam as I raised my own hand and held it against his, holding it against my cheek. Was this really happening?
"I'm guessing this is all a long way of saying you feel the same?" I asked, not even bother trying to hide how nervous I was. Liam gently rubbed my face with his thumb as he allowed himself a small smile, staring deep into my eyes.
"I feel the same, Deborah." He echoed. I stared back at him as my heart began practically singing. I'm not even sure I could describe how I felt at that point, words seemed to fail me completely. Staring up at Liam, everything seemed to just fade away. It wasn't until I felt him gently rest a finger under my chin that I snapped back to reality. Even now, he practiced restraint and patience, I could hardly believe how disciplined the man was. Fortunately for us both, I wasn't nearly as reserved. Carefully placing my hand on his cheek, I leaned in closer to him, and he, sensing my approval, leaned in closer to me, both of us closing our eyes...
My lips met his as he held my hand tightly, my entire body seeming to melt into him as I urged him closer, and he gently pulled me in. I'm not sure how long we stayed there, pressed together in affection like that. Honestly, I wouldn't have cared if it lasted the rest of our lives, forget soaring, I think I could have moved the whole Earth if I wanted to. Eventually, however, we both found ourselves gently pulling away, and I opened my eyes to take him in. His eyes could have been gemstones, sparking and staring longingly into mine. Despite my attempts to hold it back, I giggled as I moved my hand to take his again, finding no resistance as I moved it back to my cheek and held it there. Liam himself seemed on the verge of the happy laugh himself.
"I will return to you, Deborah. And when I do, it would be my honor to court you, if you would have me." He practically sang. I could hardly believe my ears, was he serious? If I would have him, did he really think I wouldn't at this point? Another giggle escaped my lips as I nodded, practically shaking at his words.
"Of course, of course!" Was all I could say. I didn't care if I sounded dumb, or immature, it was how I felt. For a time we simply stood there, holding one another, enjoying the feeling of his hand on my cheek, his hand in mine. When we finally did separate, there was a somberness to it, a silent longing that I think we both felt. After a moment longer of gazing at one another, I cleared my throat as I reached towards his helmet, seeing him clumsily pull up his gambeson and chain hoods as he did.
I won't lie, the mood was a strange mix of exhilaration and terror as I lowered the helmet onto his head, Liam taking hold of my hands and clutching them as I did. The prospect of being with him, both of us making it through all this, it had my heart beating harder than a stampede of raging stallions. But even then, the thought of losing him now seemed outright horrifying, even more so than before. Maybe he felt the same, maybe that's why we both held there for a moment once I'd tightened the straps, my hands resting against his chest as he held them. The fear paralyzed us just as much as the excitement propelled us.
In time, Liam gently pulled my hands away from him, slowly urging me to let go. Despite every bone in my body protesting the idea, I didn't fight him, and gently clasped my hands shut as he released me. My heart sank a bit as I watched him take several slow, heavy steps back. His legs moved as though they had bricks attached to them, barely lifting off the ground before pressing into the ground again. Without a word he fumbled for the hilt of his sword, leaning against the foot of the bed.
"I will return. I swear it." He said, taking the sword and holding it tight. That same confidence in his voice as so many other times he spoke seemed to shake a bit, though I'm not sure if it was doubt, or his nerves acting out that caused it. As he hesitantly turned, a thought sprang into my mind, a silly, dumb idea, but something I knew I needed to do.
"Liam, wait." I called, taking another step towards him. That man, bless him, held right where stood, still willing to put up with my nonsense. My heart was still beating like a drum as I reached down towards my waist, taking hold of a small scabbard, and undoing its restraints. Within a minute or two, I had pulled my knife, scabbard and all, free, and gently held it in my hands as I walked up towards him. Keeping my hands as steady as I could, I held the weapon just above my waist, looking down at it briefly before looking back up towards him.
"I don't know if I told you this, but this was my father's knife. He always carried it with him, and said it kept him safe." I explained. I'd never admitted this to anyone before, I didn't want to come off as too sentimental, or like I was holding onto a memory. With Liam though, I didn't mind. He said nothing as he slowly looked down at the blade, gently resting his free hand beneath mine, studying it carefully. Slowly, I began to slide my hands away, the weapon slowly tilting as I lifted away from it. Liam carefully pivoted his hand to catch it, clutching it tightly as the leather straps fell limply at his sides.
"I want you to hold onto it, for as long as it takes you to come back to me." I insisted, backing away and folding my arms together, almost withdrawing into myself. I felt like a dumb child, like a little knife was going do anything against a fully armored knight. I just felt like maybe if he had it, it could help him. Liam didn't treat it like a dumb child's thought, however. Instead, he lifted it and regarded it as though it were some precious treasure, clutching it tightly as he looked back up to me. A single nod was all I needed to know he would take good care of it.
"Thank you Deborah." He said. I smiled at him, and though I couldn't see it, I was certain he was smiling back at me. Finally, reluctant as he may have been, he turned towards the steps, and slowly made his way up them. I won't lie, I felt a sinking dread more intense than just about any I'd felt rise in my stomach as he slowly walked away, up and out of sight. Left alone, the idea that he wouldn't come back did cross my mind, unpleasant and unwanted as it was. Backing up and sitting down, I tried forcing myself to calm down as I closed my eyes, and for the first time in a long time, began to pray.
Guess it was all in God's hands now...