Murphy
"Stupid.. Fucking.. Coffee.. Machine.."
Shaking my hand, I ignored the sting from the coffee that poured out after it beeped and told me my cup was finished.
This was day nine of making my own shitty coffee in the breakroom because it's been nine days since Harry has been in the office.
Which means it's been nine days since there was a cup of my favorite coffee waiting for me on my desk.
Nine days since I had looked into the green eyes I seemed to find so much comfort in.
Just because he hasn't been here, doesn't mean I haven't stopped thinking about him or haven't reached out to him.
All I could think about was the way his lips felt against mine, how his hands heated my skin, the sounds that he made with me. When I kissed Harry every single nerve in my body felt like it had been given an electric shock from how alive it made me feel. He made me feel everything that I had tried to suppress in order to fit in with a family I wasn't so sure I wanted to be in.
My mind couldn't even wrap around the thought of having feelings for Harry because I know if I think about it long enough that I won't be able to come back. Ignoring all the signs in my head and my heart was the only thing I could do — until it wasn't enough anymore.
Everything about it was wrong.
I was, am, fucking engaged.
But with Harry... With Harry I was the Murphy who I'd always wanted to be. Not the version who was expected to be quiet and blindly follow her husband for the rest of her life.
His kiss ruined me and I wanted to let him.
I would let him ruin me and break me until there was nothing left of me — it didn't matter.
Frowning and looking down at the diamond on my hand, I walked back into my empty office to get to work. Going through my emails and making phone calls wasn't the same in the quiet space. I told myself that I would play Gilmore Girls and that it would be fine but it wasn't the same. Harry sent me everything through emails and unless it was work related it was radio silence on his end.
There was not a single part of me that could blame him for the space, I only wish he didn't feel like he needed it. Because god, I didn't want it.
I didn't want space — I wanted him.
As far as I was concerned, the relationship I had with David was over and done with the moment when I needed him and he didn't want anything to do with me. Leaving him was all I could think about and yet I still hadn't been able to bring myself to do it.
Did I feel bad for kissing another man while engaged to someone else? Yes.
But I didn't feel bad for David — I felt bad for Harry.
Harry was kind and gentle, someone who clearly put others before himself once he let down his guard just the slightest bit.
He wasn't someone that I deserved and he didn't deserve to just be treated like his feelings were pushed aside because of my rash decisions.
Replaying David and I's relationship over and over in my head was the cause of many nights that involved me crying over a bottle of wine. Just thinking how stupid I had been and how much of my time I had wasted on someone who couldn't even be bothered to treat anyone with kindness made me sob into my oversized sweaters.
There had never been a true future with me when it came to David.
Not one with love and laughter.
Not one with respect.
Not one with a partnership.
David never cared and it was clear.
As heartbreaking as it was, I knew it was over and I'd never wanted anything to be over more in my life. I just wanted to be free, to be Murphy.
Feelings for Harry weren't confusing to me but I had no idea how to approach the idea of someone else. Almost like it wasn't fair to know I cared more about the man I used to hate than the one that put a ring on my finger.
But...
At the same time...
The man that put a ring on my finger never treated me even close to how Harry did.
Navigating feelings that felt like they came out of nowhere was hard enough but those feelings tearing your world apart and shining a new light on everything you felt like you had ever known?
It wasn't easy.
Truly, I don't think it was supposed to be.
Keeping my head low, I just worked late and avoided everyone and everything. When David would call, I sent it to voicemail. When Constance would call? I looked at my phone and flipped the bird.
Although I knew it was over, I couldn't avoid them forever and went through the motions when it came to playing the part.
A part that drained everything inside of me.
One I didn't want.
The trepidation was so crisp and brittle and felt like it could shatter, but I would have to shake it soon if I was going to get through it.
Someone else had my devotion and the only way to know them was to put a price on our emotions and destroy the fine line we had put between us.
No matter the cost.
•
My apartment is spotless.
My car has been detailed.
My pantry has been organized.
Everything in my life has been carefully put together all while I'm falling apart because the person I can't stop thinking about still hasn't said a word to me.
Standing in my apartment, I decide that the only thing I can do is what I always do.
Run.
It takes me no time at all to change into a pair of black leggings and a black sports bra, a cut off Notre Dame shirt, lace up a pair of tennis shoes, and bolt out of my apartment.
As always, the feeling of the pavement beneath my feet makes me feel free. Only it does nothing to calm the storm going on inside my head.
Harry.
Harry.
Harry.
Harry.
With every pounding step my feet make around Central Park, I can't get the thought of him out of my head.
The way he says my name.
The way his dimple pops when he smiles wide enough.
The way he drops everything to be there for me.
The way his eyes looked so far away when he pulled away from me and left my bedroom.
Tears sting my eyes as I think about how desperate I am hoping he'll come around — hoping that maybe, just maybe — we can work it out. At this point I'd be willing to settle as friends. I would take anything that he could give me.
Focusing on one foot in front of the other, I take a left turn onto a gravel path and push myself even harder. If I push myself hard enough, when I get back home I'll only have the energy to shower and crawl into bed. Dinner won't even be an option for me at that point which I'm sure will make David happier than ever.
I'm so focused that when a runner passes me, I almost don't even glance in their direction. But when I do? The first thing I notice are the familiar onyx tattoos inked into the golden skin and when my eyes travel up his bare torso, the green eyes I've been crying about for days meet mine.
His eyes look into mine as his body twists to get a harder look, almost as if I'm not really here.
It all happens in slow motion as he trips over his feet and falls backwards, his bare skin crashing into the gravel path as he slides to a stop with an agonizing groan.
"Oh my god, Harry!" I drop to my knees, reaching for him without a thought and helping him sit upright. "Fuck.. Are you alright?"
Refusing to meet my gaze, Harry pulls a hiss through his teeth as he turns to look at his side that's covered with gravel and scrapes, some already starting to bleed. "I'm fine, shit. I'm—"
"Here, let me help you." Reaching for his hands, I help him stand up before reaching for the hem of my shirt and pulling it off in one swift motion to press it against the wound. "God, I'm so fucking sorry."
His hands reach for me, large and warm as they cradle my jaw and tip my face up to his. "It's okay."
"Right, yeah. Okay." I try to move my face away from his searing gaze but he doesn't let me, his hands keeping me in place. "I—"
"I'm sorry, Murph." His eyes close as he takes in a long breath before focusing those stormy green eyes on me. "I've been so distant and I don't want to be. I just don't know what to do— how to feel. Tell me what to do, please."
Where there's so many things I could say, so many things I could confess to him— my bottom lip quivers before his thumb brushes over it, trying to calm the emotions. "I— I think we should get you cleaned up."
Harry closes his eyes as he releases a sigh, shaking his head. "I'll be okay. It's nothing."
"Harry, you're bleeding. I'm not just going to disappear while you—" My eyes go wide as I look away, happy his hands have fallen to his sides. "Please, let me help you."
"I'm sorry I haven't talked to you."
His words catch me by surprise as we stand in the middle of the walkway, trees overhead. "No, don't worry about it. Let's go."
"Murphy—"
"I should be the one apologizing. For what I did.." Looking at the ground before looking back at him, I bite nervously on my bottom lip. "Putting you in that position.. It wasn't fair and should have never happened."
"We were just going off adrenaline, it was nothing." Pain rips through my chest as I fight back tears and pray to god that Harry can't tell they were ever there to begin with. "Listen, I can take care of this myself. I'll call an uber and get back to my place."
Reaching forward, my fingers graze against the butterfly on his stomach and I feel him shiver against my touch. "I don't want to fight you.. Let me help you."
We stand there, almost as if we are quite possibly the only two souls to exist at the exact same time. Everything spins in slow motion, waiting.
"Test of my patience." His voice is barely a whisper as his gaze drops to my lips just once. "Murphy, I don't want to sleep in the dirt."
Closing my eyes, I know that there's things that we'll never know and what it's like to be engulfed in everything that Harry is sitting at the top of my list. "Come on."
Taking a risk, I reach for his hand only for him to fold into himself, taking my emotions with him at a price I was never willing to pay.
•
"Well.. This is it."
Stepping through the front door to my apartment, I try to break the heavy silence that sits between us. The walk over was anything but comfortable silence with my body and my mind screaming at me.
"It's nice." Harry winces as he turns to look at my shelves lined with books and knick knacks, his hand holding the shirt to his side pushing a little harder against the area. "I can see why you like it so much."
He nods towards the windows that look out over the city. "Would you like some water or anything?"
"No, I'm alright." Meeting his eyes, he shakes his head. "Let's just get this cleaned so you can go back to your night. I'm sure there's, uh, things you'd rather be doing."
I shake my head, eyes dropping to the floor. "No, there isn't."
"Murphy." Stepping towards me and reaching out, his hand cups my cheek as his thumb runs across my cheekbone. "Don't. I don't know if I can handle it."
I nod silently before reaching for his hand, grateful that this time he lets me thread my fingers with his own before leading him down the hallway. His hand fits in mine like nothing I've ever known before, the warmth spreading through my body like a blast of heat in the middle of an ice storm.
Passing the guest bathroom, we walk through my bedroom door and I lead him to the bathroom. Large windows line the walls and cast an amber glow across everything as the sun begins its descent, making my unmade bed the only thing that looks lived in in the entire space.
"Here." Harry stops in front of the mirror as I reach into the cabinet and pull out some hydrogen peroxide, antibacterial ointment, and other supplies and set them on the counter. "Are you sure you don't want a drink?" He shakes his head as his eyes find mine in the mirror as I stand behind him. "I'm going to put some of this one and it might sting a little bit."
Harry stays quiet except for the sound he makes through his teeth when the peroxide hits the open cuts on his skin.
"Let me know if I'm hurting you, okay?" My eyes move from his cuts to the reflection of his eyes in the mirror. "I'm gonna get the bits that are still stuck and then we can patch it up."
"Okay."
With his simple answer I get to work. Using a pair of tweezers I got the pieces of gravel that were stubborn and holding on, depositing them into the trash while I worked in silence. After not being around Harry for so long I was willing to take anything he gave me, even if it meant silently begging for him to be the first one to break.
"I've missed you, you know." Barely audible, my lips form around the words as they come barreling out. "At work. In general."
Gaze locked onto mine, Harry doesn't waver. "I want to be there Murph, but—"
I shake my head as I focus on applying the ointment to the cuts, covering them with bandages and running my fingers along them before tracing them down the center of his spine and watching goosebumps spread across Harry's skin. "I get it. Take your time. If you want, I can ask for another office. I'll work in a separate space."
"No, that's not what I want." His gaze falls to the sink as I lean my forehead against his warm skin. "Being apart from you isn't what I want, Bear."
A tear surprises me as it rolls down my cheek a moment before my arms circle around his waist.
"What do you want, Harry?"
My voice is barely audible as I turn and press my cheek to his back, unable to even attempt to make eye contact with him in the mirror because I can't trust myself not to find his lips with my own or press my body as close to his as possible.
"This." His gentle fingers trace along my forearms, swirling in patterns as he gets closer to my hands. I can feel his chest expand with each deep breath, as if he's trying to calm his own body. "Everything with you."
"Harry, I—"
"Please don't say anything, Murph." I can feel his fingers find the piece of metal and stone that have tied me to the wrong person for far too long. "I just.. Fuck, I've never felt less cool. I wish you were mine. The woman I dream about being with and the woman I come home to at the end of the day. In every single part of my mind — that person is you. When did it change for me? I'm not sure.. I just know what I know now. I'm sorry."
I can't help the tears as they fall, even more so as Harry releases my arms and steps away from me. "Harry—"
"I have to go." Opening the front door he steps out into the hall, turning to face me. "And Murphy?"
Tears roll down my cheeks as I look into his perfect face. "Harry."
He looks to the side as his tongue darts out to moisten his bottom lip, shaking his head before locking his gaze onto mine. "Even my phone misses your call, by the way."
With that he turns and walks away, leaving me to shut my door as I sink down to the floor at the same time a sob rips through my chest. Reaching up to wipe at the tears, I gasp when I scratch my cheek on the sharp edge of the diamond set into the platinum metal.
"Fuck!"
Ripping the ring off, I throw it across my apartment before burying my head in my hands wondering why I can't ever say what I want to say.
________
Alexa play From the Dining Table..
This is one of the saddest chapters I've ever written but I love it do damn much..
twitter @ niallsgoldhoop
-Alex
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