ARROGANT | HS |

EIGHTEEN

Murphy

"Stupid.. Fucking.. Coffee.. Machine.."

Shaking my hand, I ignored the sting from the coffee that poured out after it beeped and told me my cup was finished.

This was day nine of making my own shitty coffee in the breakroom because it's been nine days since Harry has been in the office.

Which means it's been nine days since there was a cup of my favorite coffee waiting for me on my desk.

Nine days since I had looked into the green eyes I seemed to find so much comfort in.

Just because he hasn't been here, doesn't mean I haven't stopped thinking about him or haven't reached out to him.

All I could think about was the way his lips felt against mine, how his hands heated my skin, the sounds that he made with me. When I kissed Harry every single nerve in my body felt like it had been given an electric shock from how alive it made me feel. He made me feel everything that I had tried to suppress in order to fit in with a family I wasn't so sure I wanted to be in.

My mind couldn't even wrap around the thought of having feelings for Harry because I know if I think about it long enough that I won't be able to come back. Ignoring all the signs in my head and my heart was the only thing I could do — until it wasn't enough anymore.

Everything about it was wrong.

I was, am, fucking engaged.

But with Harry... With Harry I was the Murphy who I'd always wanted to be. Not the version who was expected to be quiet and blindly follow her husband for the rest of her life.

His kiss ruined me and I wanted to let him.

I would let him ruin me and break me until there was nothing left of me — it didn't matter.

Frowning and looking down at the diamond on my hand, I walked back into my empty office to get to work. Going through my emails and making phone calls wasn't the same in the quiet space. I told myself that I would play Gilmore Girls and that it would be fine but it wasn't the same. Harry sent me everything through emails and unless it was work related it was radio silence on his end.

There was not a single part of me that could blame him for the space, I only wish he didn't feel like he needed it. Because god, I didn't want it.

I didn't want space — I wanted him.

As far as I was concerned, the relationship I had with David was over and done with the moment when I needed him and he didn't want anything to do with me. Leaving him was all I could think about and yet I still hadn't been able to bring myself to do it.

Did I feel bad for kissing another man while engaged to someone else? Yes.

But I didn't feel bad for David — I felt bad for Harry.

Harry was kind and gentle, someone who clearly put others before himself once he let down his guard just the slightest bit.

He wasn't someone that I deserved and he didn't deserve to just be treated like his feelings were pushed aside because of my rash decisions.

Replaying David and I's relationship over and over in my head was the cause of many nights that involved me crying over a bottle of wine. Just thinking how stupid I had been and how much of my time I had wasted on someone who couldn't even be bothered to treat anyone with kindness made me sob into my oversized sweaters.

There had never been a true future with me when it came to David.

Not one with love and laughter.

Not one with respect.