The House of Wind held a slight chill as I walked the halls. I'd remembered exactly where I was headed, granted I'd only been there only once before, and yet it was so fresh in my memory I could have sworn it was just yesterday.
My steps were slow and leisurely. I wasn't in any rush to get where I was going. I was quite happy avoiding it, actually, as I pretended I didn't remember where my sister's room was.
Though it was quite hard to avoid it as I stood right in front of it. I had been procrastinating knocking for quite some time now. I stared at the door with furrowed brows. As though it were a great mystery to me.
I knew I had to do this. I had to set things right.
My knuckle rasped against the wood of the door. The soft pittering of footsteps came to the door, before it was pulled open. "Back so soon, M—" my sister began, cutting herself off as she found that it was apparently not the person she was looking for. "Oh." was all my little sister said.
I raised my brows a bit. "Can we talk?"
My sister's eyes dimmed, a frown marring her features just slightly. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt. But even so, Feyre opened the door just a fraction to allow me in.
I gingerly stepped inside. Already feeling out of place as I looked at the room that had gained so much warmth since the last time I'd been there. Tasteful paintings now littered the walls, and different trinkets and designs littered the walls. It wasn't just the physical aspect of the room that changed. The air just seemed...lighter.
I knew all the decor had been Mor, simply because half of it was an homage to wine.
I was sad. I didn't know why I was sad. I just was.
I stalked over toward the two chairs at the edge of the room, quickly turning back my sister and muttering a "May I sit?" she nodded, and I swiftly sat down. I wasn't sure my legs could hold the weight of this conversation anyway.
For a long moment, Feyre simply stood near the door. As if debating whether she could stomach sitting next to me.
I understood that I kept this from her. I understood that I did that after I'd said no more secrets. But I couldn't understand why this had been blown to such heights.
Slowly my youngest sister crossed the room, sitting down in the chair across from me. Her body was tense, so tense I thought her bones might snap.
I didn't want to rush into things. "How have you been?" I asked.
"Fine." she replied. "Not that you would know that." her last words were soft, not even an inch of bite to them. So soft I wouldn't have heard them had I not been listening so intently.
My chest tightened almost imperceptibly at my sister's anger toward me. I shook it away.
"I'm glad I've heard that—"
She cut me off. "Let's not do this." She nearly pleaded. "Let's not pretend as if nothing happened."
I furrowed my brow, so very confused. "And what has happened, Feyre? I don't get it. What have I done that's so terrible you refuse to even see me?"
My sister blew out a breath, shaking her head, "As if you don't know."
I scoffed, wondering where all this anger toward me was coming from. "Actually, I don't." I said exasperatedly. "All I know is that moment I was telling everyone...who I was, and the next, you were walking out of the room refusing to look at me."
Feyer looked at me, her eyes narrowing in something akin to betrayal. "You truly don't know? You really don't understand that someone could be hurt because of your lies?"
"My lies?" I blew out, shaking my head ever so slightly.
"Yes, your lies, Danika." she accused, raising her voice, hurt in her eyes. "Your lies about everything." her voice broke. "Who you are. What you did. You lie and lie about all of it. I can't take it anymore."
I stared at her. I stared at her for the longest time, just wondering how my sister was so blind. So naive to think that I did all of that out of spite or malice or just because I could. I did it to protect her. To protect her and Nesta and Elain and our father.
She continued, "You're a liar. You keep secrets, and you expect us all to be okay with it. But I can't just stand by and be manipulated, Dani. It's cruel—" She took a breath, "It's cruel and selfish. And I refuse to let you manipulate me anymore."
"Selfish." I breathed out. The word rang through me like a toll bell, rocking my veins with its sound.
I knew I was selfish with things. With putting myself first when it came to missions or motives.
But never—never had I let myself be selfish with my family. With my sister.
"No." I said, my voice breaking on the words as I stood from my chair and pointed a finger at my youngest sister. "No, you will not sit here and damn me for keeping secrets and being selfish when all I wanted was to keep you and your family safe." I pushed back the tears that threatened to invade my eyes. "I have been nothing but selfless when it came to sacrificing things for you."
Feyre stood then to, "And what, Dani, would that be?" She asked, her own eyes glistening with unshed tears.
"Would you like me to list them? Fine." I said, "How about when I forced myself to come to Prythian with you, so you didn't have to suffer alone? When I came Under the Mountain with you to provide you with protection? Made a deal with Amarantha so that you could sit in a lovely room while I sat in a dark cell for three months? What of when Tamlin forced me to go back to Spring against my will solely so that I could be there for you, and I complied? When Tamlin barely let me within an inch of the house? Wrapped his hands around my neck and choked me? Blew up a room with me in it? How about when he locked me in a dark cell under the manor, knowing where I had been kept Under the Mountain? I hadn't had a breath of fresh air for months. Months. And I went through it happily for. you." I paused, raising my chin, even as I felt the tears well in my eyes. "Is that selfish to you?"
My sister gulped, her eyes a fraction wider. "I didn't ask you to do any of that."
"Yes, that's the point, Feyre. You didn't have to ask because I did it gladly. I would have sacrificed myself for you with glee if it meant you didn't have to suffer."
"You say these things, and yet you forget to mention the hardship I've gone through as a result of your selfishness." She yelled, a tear sliding down her porcelain cheeks. "And what of when I hunted for our family to provide us with food? Snapped my neck Under the Mountain? When I was sequestered by Tamlin for months?" she shook her head again, "I've gone through the same things you have, and yet I have kept nothing from you."
"You've kept nothing from me?" I raised my brows, "If you've kept nothing from me, then what's going on between you and Mor?" I asked, "And for that matter, why is it that Cassian told me you've been snooping through drawers in offices?"
He'd told me as he flew me up here. I'd practically had to force it out of him when he looked like he was about to implode.
Feyre's eyes narrowed. "Nothings going on between Mor and I." she said, her voice low. "And I was snooping through drawers because I thought no one was home, and I couldn't find the library. I'd have liked to find a few things out about the place I now live, thanks to you."
It was a lie. Plain and simple, like I could smell it in the air. And yet I chose to ignore it then. I'd do some finding of my own.
"Would you have rather stayed in Spring Court? Sheltered by Tamlin and forced to play his trophy wife forever?" I asked, "At least here we have a chance. A chance to be our own people without chains. We win this war, and we're free to do what we want."
"Free, right? I'm glad I am no longer in Spring Court, grateful even, but it is also yet another choice that has been taken from me."
That, I understood finally. That loss of losing your freedom right in front of you.
"And for that, I'm sorry." I said, "But do not blame me for it. Because it is not my fault."
"How? How is it not your fault?"
"Are you really asking me that?" My burning anger was gone. Replaced with a weak sorrow from my sister's resentment.
Feyre raised her chin, trembling just slightly as a bevy of tears rolled down her cheeks then. "If I don't blame you, then I'll blame myself. I can't—"
"I think I understand perfectly now, thank you." I looked at the person in front of me as though she were a stranger. As though I hadn't known her my entire life. Loved her my entire life. "Blame me. See if I care."
I walked out then.
I walked away, and I didn't look back.
─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
A/N: Guys, I'm finally actually working on my original book that I'm hoping to get published once it's finished! AHHHHHH. Tbh I'm honestly doing it simply because I want a book where all the characters are just badass all the time.