Thank you all, as always!
It continues from where we left... I hope you enjoy it!Happy reading
If only a few months ago I had been told that I would return to my home and experience this high degree of happiness I would not have believed it at all. It's since Maya's lips rested on mine again two weeks ago that I've been happy, actually. Although it had been weeks since my head had processed a physical approach to Maya as inevitable, not to mention the sentimental approach, I almost did not expect the burst of happiness that overwhelmed me. But there is the other side of the coin: fear. A fear so strong of hurting me that it almost prevents me from any movement. I know Maya noticed this, because even though there were other kisses between us in the days that followed, I tried to hold back as much as possible and Maya told me she's willing to give me as much time as I need. There is a part of me, however, that is so blocked, by things that even I cannot tell myself or understand, that is afraid that all the time in the world is not enough anyway.
Needless to deny that one of the parts that most keep me anchored to fear is Viviana. It has always been her and I, alone, who got by in every situation, sleeping together on stormy nights, falling asleep on the couch on the most difficult days for me and for her. How does another person fit into this picture? Apparently, at least for today, it seems that Maya has found a key to be able to be together with Viviana. And as I watch her play in Viviana's arcade, I realize that my agitation was born from this: I trust Maya blindly, I would have left my daughter also to leave for South America on a glider, but I was afraid of the opposite, that Viviana did not trust Maya enough to be with her or that she did not like her. Only now that I see them playing with Barbie, Vivi's precious treasure, I realize that I am breathing a sigh of relief. Maybe I make some noise or maybe it's an empathic connection, because just then Maya looks up and sees me.
M < hey! There is mamma!> she says to Viviana, who in a hurry jumps out from the little swimming pool (fortunately full of balls and not water) that Maya bought to her this afternoon. She throws everywhere the plastic little balls and jumps in my arms. I laugh about her enthusiasm to see me and I hug her thigh to me.
C < how are you my love?> I ask her, kissing all her face.
V < hungry!!> she complains and I immediately agree with her, putting her on the ground and telling her to run to the kitchen, that there is hot pizza. Maya meanwhile gets up and approaches us, a little embarrassed and a little fearful.
C < hello..> I whisper, placing a hand on her chest and leaving her a sweet kiss on the lips, which Maya welcomes surprise. < come..> I say then taking her by the hand and taking her with me to the kitchen, where Viviana jumps cheerfully waiting to be put in the high chair.
C < no diaper?> I ask her, while I still have her in my arms.
V < no, Mommy!> she exclaims confidently and I nod.
M < I'm sorry, I didn't know she put on her diaper at night..> Maya hurries to apologize, making me smile.
C < no, it's ok. She doesn't always put it on: it's she who decides when she feels like being without it and when she doesn't. ..> Maya nods, sitting down. < usually if she has spent a beautiful day she does not want it ..> I add to reassure her even more and Maya smiles at me, with a smile so warm and enthusiastic that I feel melt instantly.
Dinner flies away in a flash, seasoned with laughter and the stories of Viviana, who slowly turns off and is accompanied to bed by me. I tell her a very short story because she is practically already sleeping and I hurry to reach Maya in the kitchen, but she is already laying the dish dryer.
C < you didn't have to..> I say, hugging her from behind. Maya says nothing and rests her hands on mine that I squeeze on her abdomen.
M < don't you change yourself?> she asks me and I nod: if I have to listen to my body I'm dead tired.
C < yes, I take a shower too. Do you want to wait for me? Maybe we drink a glass of wine..> Maya nods and turns in my embrace.
M < go..> she just says, kissing my lips slowly. She holds her arms along her body, leaving me free to go, instead I cling even more to her and ask her to deepen the kiss. After such a long and important day for so many reasons, I need to feel her, really feel her. Maya smiles on my mouth, gives me permission to play with her tongue and wraps me in her arms. When I seem to have had enough, I detach myself, but only because I am about to die of asphyxiation. But I think of how nice it is to be able to kiss her leaning against the kitchen counter, as a daily gesture, of small happiness.
M < go..> Maya pushes me away again and I smile, doing as she tells me. After about half an hour and with a suit on, I go in search of Maya. I find her with her eyes closed, lying on the couch. I stop for a moment from afar to observe her, losing myself to observe every little detail of her body that I had missed so much and then I approach slowly, barefoot. When I am close to her, Maya makes an imperceptible movement with her face and speaks, without opening her eyes.
M < stop staring me..> I laugh and I almost fall against her. I laugh and almost throw myself at her. Maya immediately embraces me and we find our position, I practically lying on top of her, with my legs intertwined with hers and my head resting on her chest. Her arms enveloping me and keeping me safe attached to her make me feel in another world.
C < are you tired?> I ask: I have a low raspy voice that makes the atmosphere more intimate. Maya barely nods.
M < a little. It's exhausting managing a little girl..> she admits and I laugh.
C < yeah, I know. Do you want a massage? Are you hurt somewhere?> Maya shakes her head.
M < no, I like being like this..> I smile, kissing her neck. I climb with my lips higher and higher and in a very short time I am kissing her lips. Maya opens her eyes slightly to study me for a second before sanctioning a new kiss, which immediately deepens. My hand fixed on her side could change the situation in a second and for a moment I think about it, whether to let go or not, but Maya decides first, for both. She detaches herself from me, leaving me first a kiss on the mouth, then one on the forehead.
M < we need to talk..> she just says, making me stop. I sigh and nod.
C < I know, I'm sorry. I know I asked you so much leaving you with Viviana. I know it's exhausting and you didn't have to do everything you did..I'm sorry..I always said I have to find a babysitter for situations like this, but..> Maya interrupts me, resting an hand on my mouth.
M < no, Car, no..it's the opposite..> she says to me, leaving me confused.
C < what do you mean?> Maya sighs as she is deciding to speak or not.
M < I want to be there for you Car. I want to be there for you, for her, every day to help you or just to eat a pizza together like it was a normal day..it's exactly this what I want..> as usually my paranoias block me and prevent me from saying anything.
C < Maya..> she sighs and interrupt me.
M < I talked to Amelia..>
C < I kill her..> I whisper, but Maya listens to me and laughs, beginning to caress my back.
M < she didn't tell me nothing that I already didn't know, Car..>
C < so..?> I ask unsure.
M < she tell me you're stucked, that you fill your head with paranoias and thoughts,..and I don't want to judge your fears, I would love to know its ... I would like you talk to me about these thoughts..>I sigh.
C < my fears are so much and so stupid that I can't do it..I can't share them with you..>
M < don't ever say your fears are stupid..> I smile. < do you remember what did we do when we were together at the beginning?> I raise my face, so I can look at her in the eyes.
C < it depends what do you refer to..>
M < every my paranoia. We used to sit and talked about that, we divided the problem into a thousand pieces, until I was more sure about myself..>
C < yeah, but it would take a symposium for all my problems..> she laughs.
M < I have all the time in the world, Car, but I would like to spend this time with you..not waiting for you..> I nod.
C < so, where do I start?> I ask trying to throw myself, but still needing her help.
M < what is the most concrete problem that comes to your mind?> she tries to give me an input.
C < Viviana..> I answer in a hurry.
M < what is it that you are worried about her?> I hold myself tighter in Maya's embrace and look inside me for the right words, but they struggle to get out.
C < we always were only me and her. I know she is so young and I don't think she can understand the difference between a friendship and a relationship, but ...just because she is so young I really don't know how she could take your presence, if your presence begins to be more frequent..if you maybe will sleep here..>
M < are you worried about her or about how I could take the fact that you want to go slowly?> I smile.
C < both.. deep down I think that she is so young that she can easily get used to..and there wasn't anyone else before, so it's just a new thing, which with time she could get used to..>
M < are you afraid that we cannot last?> I shrug.
C < yeah, maybe. I don't know how to explain to you that I and my daughter were in symbiosis all these years..and to break this symbiosis to let enter someone else it's a big step..for me and for her..it's reassuring the fact that this someone else is you..but I find it frightening..I'm afraid of what could happen is Viviana begin to rely on you and then we break up..>
M < I don't want to get in the way of your educational choices..you're her mother, Car..> I frown, without understanding.
C < so you want to enter in our lives without commitment?> I feel her become more agitated under me.
M < no, I misspoke. I just want to say that you decide where to put the limit beyond which I cannot intervene..so, by consequences it's you who decide how much she can rely on me..>
C < it's just that I'm so tired to be alone...from a certain point of view I can't wait to throw everything on someone else..> just when I say this, I barely realize it, but I begin to slowly cry. I feel Maya's arms tighten more around me and then her mouth kisses my temple.
M < you're not alone..> she whispers. < I'm here..> but her words can't help but make me cry even harder. Maya realizes it because she smiles with her lips on my skin. < is it a so big tragedy?> she asks me, making me laugh between my tears.
C < I'm scared..> I whisper and she nods, trying to raise my face a little so I can look in her eyes.
M < Car, I can't guarantee too much on the future, and I know that sometimes the words are more frightening than the silence, but I don't think I can go away so easy and so soon from your life, not now that I found you again... when I say that you're the one who decide on Viviana life's I don't mean to hold back, but I mean to respect your relationship, your symbiosis, that I surely cannot really understand..but I can tell you, you're not alone, Car, because I want to be there.. I know you're scared to listen some more words by me..> I nod, interrupting her.
C < because I'm not ready to reciprocate, Maya..>she smiles.
M < never mind. I know that you're scared also by the time that passed ..and indeed I'm not in love with you as I was four years ago.. I don't know if I really never stopped, but I went ahead. I couldn't stay there motionless..so, for this reason, I'm allowing myself to fall in love with you again, day by day..I fall in love with your fears, your paranoias, your smiles, your sweetness, your way to take care of me, your smiles again.. I don't mind how much you're the same or how much you changed, because I only mind who you are now..in this moment, with me.. > at a certain point I can't look at her eyes anymore, so I'm forced to take refuge in her safe arms, in the crook of her neck.
C < aren't you afraid of being too much different? Or the idea that all ends like in the past?> Maya shrugs.
M < I can't know this. Honestly I never understood why we broke up until I saw you again. Only when I saw you again, I understood that you had a valid reason to run away..but I looked for you, Car, I looked for you, because I still wanted you.. >
C < I know..> I admit. < Amelia told me everything, but it was too late for me to come back..> I feel her nod slowly.
M < yeah, I know it now..>
C < the difference between us is that you went ahead Maya and I didn't..>
M < what do you mean?> I snort, don't knowing how to explain her better.
C < you had another relationship, you had others occasions, you didn't stay there macerating in regret as I did. I, for four years, did nothing but delete the woman in me to think only about my daughter..> Maya stays silent for a while, maybe she doesn't know what to say. < I feel you changed.. more mature..>
M < thank you..I guess..> she interrupts me, making me smile.
C < but I didn't! I'm the same as before in the relationships..!> Maya stays in silence again, so I raise my gaze. < why don't you say anything?>
M < because I'm trying to understand what means for you being the same as before. What do you mean?> I think about that for a moment before answer.
C < I mean I'm insecure, I'm jealous, I'm needy..>
M < these are not the only things I remember of being in a relationship with you..> I shake my head and I get up, putting myself seated between her legs, while Maya stays still seated. In this new position I can look at her face.
C < but there are also these things.. you know from where my insecurities and my fears come from..but at this you can add the fact that I didn't have a relationship with any human being, neither in that way, you know...this for the last four years.. >
M < ok, but now you concentrates on me. We are not talking about you who have to throw yourself in a relationship or in a sexual encounter with a stranger. We are talking about you who are afraid of letting go with me. Why?>
C < because I'm the same as before Maya!> I warm up. < I'm the same who stayed under your house watching if you cheated on me with your new colleague!>
M < ok, but you're talking about a specific event in a specific moment. You were not only that in our relationship..>
C < never mind, you don't understand me!> I snort, pissed off. Maya positions herself better sitting down and tries to hug me, even if I try to resist.
M < so, explain me what I don't understand..> she asks me patiently.
C < it bothers me that I'm trying to be honest and you insist on saying it's not true or showing positive things about me that I don't know if exist... >
M < but you do nothing but emphasize the negative things though..>
C < because they are the ones that scare me!> I exclaim.
M < why don't you believe that I can be here, with you, even if there are all these negative stuffs that you're talking about?>
C < because we already broke up once, Maya..> she nods, trying to get closer to me.
M < I know. But I'm changed, and I know you also changed. We both know what it means stay together and also stay without the other one.. we can only improve from the things we learned..> I barely let me go, bending forward and resting my head on her shoulder. Her hands immediately slide on my back, hugging me.
C < you asked me to meet Katia and I refused, again and again. I don't think I'm so much changed, for example..>
M < but I'm not offended by that, I'm not closed in myself, I didn't live this as a bad thing..>
C < ok, but I'm keeping feeling bad ..>
M < you don't have to..> she whispers, kissing my temple. < listen, there will be things where maybe I have improved more, so I will try to come towards you always, but there will be a hundred thousand things where you will be the one who will have to meet me..>
C < give me an example because now I can't see neither a thing..> I feel her smiling.
M < how to behavior with Viviana, how to manage my friendship with Andy now that I'm so angry..> she shuts up for a moment and so do I. < how much have you come to me these months? How much did you help me?> a part of me would like to counter and would certainly be able to find the words and apologies, but the truth is that just throwing out my insecurities with Maya has already allowed me to be more serene, because she is here for real, who embraces me and makes me finally feel at home. We remain silent for a few minutes, then Maya slowly detaches herself from my embrace and takes my face with her hands.
M < is everything ok?> she asks me and instead of answering I sling on her lips and kiss her. Only now I'm realizing that she said she's re-falling in love with me and it's the best statement she could make to me tonight. I know there will still be so much paranoia on my part, but never as in this moment I would like to be able to scream at her as much as I love her. I stay in our kiss instead and I do not say anything, enjoying the moment.
Feeling Maya so caught up in our kiss, but so respectful of my times and my spaces, instantly gives rise to another paranoia. I detach myself almost suddenly, making her open her eyes in a hurry.
M < what?> she asks, with a wheezing breath. I look at her, with her hair a bit disheveled: I had not realized how much passion there was really in our kiss. My eyes slowly slide down her body and end up straight on her erection, not so noticeable, but already so present. Maya follows my gaze, then I hear her smile and immediately puts a hand under my chin, making our eyes glue into each other.
M < you know I can't control it, but...> I interrupt her, kissing her lips. Then I lean my forehead against hers.
C < I'm sorry..> I whisper.
M < you don't have to. If I know that you would like to try with me, I'm not in a hurry..> to her sentence I get up, looking at her more deeply.
C < what does it mean if I want to try?> I ask confused and she shrugs her shoulders.
M < I want you to be okay. If being with me makes you too paranoid that makes you feel bad, if fear makes you feel too bad and you think you can't get over it, I pull back ...> I shake my head, alarmed at the idea that Maya can get out of my life again.
C < no, no! It's not what I want..>I specify right away. < I just need time..I won't stop talking to you about my fears and I'll try to be more honest about my feelings..I just need time for Viviana's practical matter..> Maya nods, kissing me slowly.
M < for that you can take all the time in the world..> I smile, wrapping my arms around her neck.
C < and I need some more time for the physical part..> Maya smiles and nods, before caressing me.
M < it's fine..> I would like to say something, but I feel stuck again, so I look like a goldfish that opens and closes its mouth meaninglessly.
M < do you want to talk about it?> Maya asks me softly and I sigh.
C < no, I would like to kiss you ..> I answer, diverting the speech. Maya smiles and nodding allows me to bring my lips closer to hers.
We exchange another thousand unspoken words, feelings and emotions for several minutes, just kissing each other, until Maya slowly detaches herself from me.
M < it's late..> she whispers. < you have to go to sleep..> I nod, remaining with my forehead resting on hers.
C < do you want to sleep here?> I ask out of the blue and she smiles, and then gets out of the interlocking that kept us tied, getting up from the sofa. < the proposal even makes you run away?> I joke, but a little I'm really resentful. Maya looks at me and understands it, because she sits down again and puts her hand on my knee.
M < no, not at all! But it's better if I go..>
C < why? You've already slept here..> I specify right away.
M < yes, but the conditions were different..> I nod, trying not to show too much disappointment. Maya, who in the meantime had got up and put her shoes back on to leave, sighs and stops, turning to look at me.
M < Car, it's not forever of course. For tonight, however, it's better this way... let's both reflect on the things we've said, even compared to Viviana and see you tomorrow... don't take it as a rejection... > I sigh and get up, going close to her: she's making so much effort for me, that the least I can do is strive to be a little less proud. I hug her slowly and give her a small kiss, which Maya welcomes with a big smile. I know it was only the beginning of the opening of my paranoia, but that's exactly the direction I want to take. I really want to commit to being in this relationship with Maya, because the idea of losing her is terrifying for me now.