"Okay." She squeezed his shoulder. "Just remember you can stop at any time you want."
His eyes were like dark pools of the endless night in the candlelight. He was so still that she wondered if he was still breathing. When after a space of time he started talking again his voice was barely above a whisper.
"She was determined to punish my father. I was too....new then to realize I was the pawn to do it. She and I spent lots of time together." he smiled wryly. "I never got much time with my dad so I cherished the time I spent with her." His breath hitched. "She was always affectionate with Amenadiel and me, dad never was. She would bake us our favorite treats -- we had fun together."
Linda emphasized again, "You felt loved."
He threw her a scathing look. "You humans and your superficial emotion defined as love. Love doesn't exist." He grew quiet again his expression troubled. He looked at Dr. Linda then away again. "One time she..." He stared at his hands. "She kissed me on the lips. It startled me, it didn't feel right. I pulled away from her. That made her angry. She told me I was a disappointment as a son. But then her mood changed -- she was always unpredictable like that and she apologized saying she was mad at my dad, not me. She let me have a cup of Ambrosia...something my dad didn't allow. I...felt strange after I drank it. I didn't know then she drugged it. I...she." His breathing grew ragged, yet his voice was tight, controlled. "She wanted to defile my father's favorite son as a form of revenge."
Horrified Linda put her hand on his arm. "This wasn't your fault! You were a victim."
He laughed as if she had just told a particularly good joke but there was an edge to the laugh, something sharp that tore at his soul. His voice dropped. "Not in the way you are thinking at the moment. I don't remember much of it. It was like I was an observer I had no control and I was out for most of it -- all I have is a faint memory of her wrapping herself in my wings. My dad discovered us together I woke up later in my bed I don't remember what happened, no details -- I guess that is a good thing."
"Did your dad talk to you about what happened?"
Lucifer shook his head. "Not really. He came to me after I had awoken; he was the one who carried me to my bedroom. He asked what had happened, and then he told me what he had discovered and mum's explanation as to why she did it. No one else knew exactly what had happened but they knew that it was something bad. Amenadiel wouldn't even come near me." He grew silent again.
She stroked his arm. Linda felt his muscles tense. After a minute or so he spoke again. "She came to see me and begged me to talk to dad on her behalf. She told me nothing had happened she had set it up so that dad would think it had. She wanted to torment him by making him think she had done something horrible to his favorite son. He had hurt her so she wanted to hurt him back. She said she didn't know what had come over her. She begged for my forgiveness for making me think she could do something so horrific like that to me. She begged me to talk to dad. But I couldn't...I just couldn't...to this day I don't know if she was telling me the truth or manipulating me into trusting her again." His voice cracked. "Something inside of me hardened into a wall. I put her and my feelings for her behind it. I couldn't forgive what she had done to me -- I couldn't trust." His breath hitched.
Linda exhaled slowly. So much was starting to make sense.
"She lost Amenadiel and me...dad cast her out. She begged me to make dad change his mind, she must have done the same with Amenadiel because he did talk to dad. But he followed through and she was gone from our lives. She was...is very powerful. She and my dad had after all created Amenadiel and me. Dad then created the others with his owner power. She learned from that and created demons and those demons created more demons some of them even mated with humans. Early on she was still trying to get me to forgive her and get dad to let her back, she had one of her demons create Maze for me to protect me." He looked at Linda. "And no we aren't related. But creating demons wasn't the worst of it. When she realized she wouldn't be allowed into heaven anymore...it wasn't pretty. Mum was always very strong, and very independent which I admired about her. My dad who always wanted everything his way never intimidated her. When he cast her out it did something to her. She lost her children -- his children -- so I guess she couldn't stop her need to punish him and his new creations. She started taking his creations, children, stealing them..." his voice dropped to a whisper again..."drowning them."
Linda felt a little sick. "Are you saying your mother was a murderer?"
Sorrow was evident in those black bottomless eyes when he looked at her and nodded.
"What happened then?" she asked gently.
Lucifer's chest felt as if it would explode. His throat closed as he took a shuddering breath. Linda softly spoke, "It's okay."
His voice shook as he responded. "It will never be okay." He had never told anyone all of this -- talking about it brought it to close as if it happened not long ago instead of eons ago.
"Luce, I promise you it will someday when you learn to cope with it."
He winced as tears flooded his eyes that uncontrollable feeling of panic set in again. Each breath he took was wrenched out of him. He tried to calm himself, clenching his teeth and focusing on trying to breathe. The torrent could not be held inside. His shoulders shook as all the pain, betrayal, and indifference coursed through him. The tears just kept on coming no matter how hard he tried to choke them back. He buried his face in his knees wrapping his arms around himself. Outside another storm blew through with flashes of lightning and vibrating thunder. Through it, Dr. Linda stayed by his side weathering the storm - offering comforting words, a box of tissues, and support.
Eventually, his chest started to feel lighter, the tears slowed and his breathing improved. After repeatedly wiping his face and straightening out, Linda could see him retreat inside himself. She worried he would bolt out into the storm. She touched his shoulder. "You are exhausted; you've been through an emotional wringer. It's far too late for you to drive home and I wouldn't want you in this weather." She nodded in the direction of the pulled-out sofa bed. "Rest please for as long as you need to we can continue when you wake or during another session -- it's entirely up to you."
He sighed. "I don't think I can sleep."
"How do you feel right now?"
His brow furrowed as it always did when he was puzzled by a question or in deep thought. He snorted. "Better actually, who would have thought being such a teary hot mess would make me feel better."
She smirked. "Haven't I been saying that all along? It's..."
He interrupted with a quick smile, "That I am a hot mess?"
She groaned. "Yes, that and that your body needed to release those pent-up emotions."
"Wouldn't sex work just as well?" his voice was innocent but his eyes sparkled full of mischief.
She marveled at his quicksilver change in mood. "No Lucifer, it wouldn't. It would just be a diversion."
He sighed. "Fine doctor, I'll humor you and lie down."
"Thank you, Luce."
She smiled inwardly; at least he hadn't lost his humor. He undressed and crawled under the covers.
It was close to 2 am. He couldn't believe he had been here for almost 6 hours. He looked at Linda and for the first time realized how tired she looked as well. "Linda, you must be exhausted, my bad. Come lie down. I'll respect your wishes and keep my tongue and other body parts to myself."
She laughed. "I trust you. I just want to finish up some notes and I need to blow out the candles then I'll lie down for a bit as well."
He gave a quick nod and smiled but she noticed worry in his eyes. She remembered when he had told her about the nightmare -- she wondered if he was worried that another would surface after this session.
Contrary to his worry that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep he was dead to the world within minutes. She sank back in her chair her heart heavy. She had come to realize as the night wore on that the person in town was his mother. She had had a lot of difficult sessions over the years but Lucifer's case was easily the most challenging. If she hadn't become intimately involved at the beginning it might not be as encompassing now. She felt terrible knowing what she did -- providing counseling in exchange for sex. She was never unethical no matter how attractive some of her clients were but with Lucifer it was a need that reason had no input on. Was he the devil?--It seemed ludicrous to entertain that notion yet what she had seen certainly couldn't be denied. She shivered. Things were even more complicated than she had thought. The story he told was fantastical almost too fantastical to not be true. Devil or not he was a lost soul that needed her help.
She lay down beside him. Instinctively in his sleep as if sensing a presence he turned towards her. She smiled. Someday Chloe Decker would be a very lucky woman. He still had a long way to go but she suspected there was potentially great love between them. Now she just had to teach the devil what love was and that he was capable of loving and that he was worthy of being loved. Not an easy task. Although he would never admit it deep down this powerful man was rather insecure. She put a reassuring hand on his arm. He sighed and turned his head into her neck, his breath tickling her ear. She sighed inwardly. Yup Chloe would be a lucky woman one day.
She heard dishes clanking and groggily woke up. Lucifer stood by her coffee pot clad only in black underwear. He looked guilty. "Sorry Doctor, I was trying to be quiet, I just wanted coffee ready when you awoke."
It took her a bleary-eyed moment to remember why Lucifer was in her office half-naked making coffee. He looked pretty adorable not to mention incredibly sexy. She shook her head and forced herself to focus on the coffee. "What time is it?"
"6:30. Go back to sleep I'll be quieter," he whispered.
She sat up and leaned against the back of the couch. "I'm fine. How did you sleep?"
"Like a rock."
"Good, you needed rest."
"Did I behave myself? I woke up curled around you?"
"Yes, you did." She got up. "You were rather cuddly last night."
"And you didn't kick me out of bed," he stated rather smugly.
"No it was rather nice," she admitted.
"Are you having second thoughts about keeping things just professional?" His eyebrows rose.
"No, I can help you better if things are ethical." She stated then gave a short laugh. "Not that I usually spend the nights in bed with my patients."
He looked serious. "Whatever you wish."
"Since you have the coffee under control I'm going to pick up some breakfast after we eat - if you agree I would like to continue our session," he informed him.
"You know just about everything and I cried -- isn't that enough breakthrough for you?" He reacted defensively.
Her heart sank a little. As always with Lucifer two steps forward one step back. At least there was progress even if it was sporadic.
"You've done amazingly well but you know as well as I that there is lots more ground to cover. I can get us breakfast and we can drink your coffee let's see where it goes. If you still want to leave afterward then fine we'll hold off for another day." She suggested carefully.
He had gone to sit on the bed, his pants were now on as well as his shirt however he had left it unbuttoned. "Very well doctor I'll stay but only because I am famished."
She nodded, put on a jacket, and left to run down to the diner.
Lucifer paced around the office. He had briefly felt better last night, Linda was right none of it had been his fault. Now though she would want to talk more about mum and how her being in town was making him feel, she'll want to know how he fell -- how father had turned his back on him and punished him with eternity in hell and to add insult to injury had to put his mother in hell. As if he had been responsible for her actions and deserved equal punishment banished from heaven. He sat on the bed again, he was hot -- this weakness from using hellfire was grating on his nerves. He needed to find a way to cool off. He closed his eyes remembering the look on his brother's face when he had blasted him with hellfire. He felt sick -- Amenadiel deserved a lot of things but being burned -- or made to feel as if he were burned wasn't one of them. He exhaled loudly he and Maze would be furious with him. There would be hell to pay when he went back home.