[Hyunjin]
The silence that filled the room was enough to drive you insane. Since Jeongin left, dragging Felix with him. Neither of us said a word. Jisung kept staring at his feet shyly and shaky as if he was expecting a scolding for just existing.
I sat on my bed, legs folded in underneath me. My fingers fiddling with the paws of my sweater. I occasionally glanced up at him waiting for him to say something. Though his eyes never left the floor, I could see he occasionally opened his mouth to say something but his voice never followed through. Poor guy was shaking with anxiety. I was honestly worried his legs would give out soon.
"Jisung.. sit down." I spoke softly as I patted the mattress beside me. His eyes shot up and he gave me a thankful look as if he was going to grovel at my damn feet. "Why are you so anxious?"
"Cause I know you hate me." He admitted as he sat on the edge of my bed with as much distance from me as he could.
"What gave you that impression?"
"I don't know... maybe the looks you gave me. Not that they are unwarranted, I earned those looks." He shrugged.
"What's going on?" I grew slightly anxious with him... skeptical as if he was about to confess to murder or something.
"I just.. I feel so guilty, because I am in a way. Hyunjin my rumors, the ones that I started. They almost got you sexually assaulted. I never intended for it to go that far. I was just.. I didn't even mean for the incident with the football players to happen. It's never happened before. I thought it wouldn't go passed the gossiping in the halls, only enough to make you feel bad about rejecting me." He took a deep breath, fisting his shaky hands. "But then I got in trouble, and it pissed me off in a way. Because I didn't want to admit what I did was wrong back then, or that I had played any part in an act of harassment by the jocks and I got blamed for it yet they got to walk free..."
His voice was starting to break up words so I reached out and touch his shoulder. He took a deep breath and finally turned to me.
"I never intended for it to go so far at all. I mean, sexual assault Hyunjin. That's not.. and then what happened after the football game, I was still so angry and I targeted you. I know it was Chan's idea for you and Jeongin to.." he shook his head. "But I could've said something? Done something?"
"So that's why you're here? Guilty conscience?"
"That's only half of it. I wanted to apologize sooner, but for reason I will leave unspoken, my ISS terms were extended to the end of last semester if you hadn't noticed. Then I was basically on house arrest with Chan. I just.. feel guilty, that it all started because of me."
"Jisung, you may have started the rumor, but you never laid your hands on me. Never shoved me into a locker. You didn't try to stick you hands down my pants without my consent. Rumors are normally just rumors, meant to last maybe a week before they are buried with another one. It was everyone else that kept it going. I don't blame you for what happened after we stopped interacting."
"But I.."
"I don't want to hear it. You can't take the blame for someone else's actions and impulses. You started something because you were angry and hurt. They did it because they thought it was fun. Don't blame yourself for that."
"Why are you being fucking kind about it? I fucked up, Hyunjin and what I did lead to everything else." Jisung sulked and shoved his face in his hands. "Jesus I'm expecting to be yelled at! Something!"
"What good would yelling do?"
"You and Jeongin are too fucking similar.. he didn't yell or instantly dismiss me either."
I couldn't help but chuckle. "Maybe he's rubbing off on me."
"Clearly, you previously showed a lot of anger towards me when this all started."
"Yea. I was angry, because the rumors hadn't stopped. But after you had been punished for what you started. It didn't stop, you know, so I soon realized it.. it wasn't just you, but everyone else too. And even then not you, cause you were present anymore to say anything else. Everyone just started threading in more and more things by themselves." I shrugged. "Shit happens, we make mistakes Jisung."
"Jeez, Jeongin really is rubbing off on you. Felix too I think. I was honestly expecting a punch in the face when I walked in the room."
"You probably would've gotten one if Jeongin wasn't in the way." I chuckled and his eyes went wide. "I'm kidding. That was a joke. He knows better than to start a fight again. I hope anyway."
This time he spared a small laugh, but it faded quickly. "Honestly I was glad Felix fucked the guy up in the end. What he tried to do.. it sucks going through that, Hyunjin."
I didn't know what to say after that. I fell silent. Just looking at him as he stared ahead into a seeming abyss, an invisible black hole in my room.
We sat in utter silence. What was I supposed to say? My mouth couldn't form to try and form the next words to say. I just looked at him as he seemed to be stuck in a place he didn't want to be, I couldn't tell if that was a physical strain or a mental one.
I finally decided to ask an easy question. "Are you okay?"
"Hmm?" He snapped out of whatever trance he was in and then nodded. "Yea, I'm okay."
"You look upset." I reached out and rubbed his shoulder, to which he stiffened a little before that guard wall fell. Realizing it was only me.
"I'm okay. It's— I don't know, despite apologizing, I still feel like shit over what I did."
"You don't have to, Jisung. I forgive you." I said. He looked at me with a half-heart smile, guilt still lingered in his eyes. "Do you want a hug?"
I asked him that question, my head cocking to the side slightly and arms open. He crawled into them and I almost forgot how cute he could be at times. I was previously so focused on being angry with him. I guess an apology and accepting responsibility can really go a long way. His arms were lightly wrapped around my waist as his chin rested on my shoulder.
My door quietly opened, revealing Jeongin peeking in. Probably to check up on us. But when he saw us hugging, he smiled. Jisung must've felt Jeongins presence cause he pulled away.
He turned to face the younger, his form made him seem small. It seemed like despite the shift in energy amongst us, he was still anxious. Still waiting to be pounced on.
"Cheongsan is ordering food, what do you guys want?"
"I'm not hungry." Jisung said, shaking his hands to decline the offer.
"Did you already eat?" Jeongin asked, raising a brow.
"Yea." A lie. I didn't buy it, but Jeongin did. He took my order and left to inform Cheongsan. "I should go."
"You sure?"
"Yea, you guys are about to have dinner on the way and I don't want to overstay my welcome. San seemed agitated with my presence earlier."
"Okay, well, see you at school then?" I stood up with him and he nodded.
"Yea. See you at school."
With that I followed him out of my room but I never left the upstairs. I heard the farewells between him and Jeongin, then the front door closing.
Felix came up behind me. "How'd it go?"
"As well as it could, I guess." I turned to him, he seemed to have a look of displeasure on his face. "What's wrong, Lix?"
"I hate to say it." Felix said slowly, his eyes were watching Jeongin downstairs.
"But we might have a problem."
——
[A/N]
Chapter 52, finally. After the back to back updates, I wasn't expecting to take so long for a shorter chapter. So forgive me.
I'm already working on the next chapter! Hopefully it doesn't take too long to write. I would also like to give you guys a warning: the next few chapters after 53 will probably be full of a lot of uncomfortable tension for particular reason. Nothing horrible. But just a heads up!
I love you all. Please make sure you are eating regularly and staying hydrated. Take care of yourselves physically AND mentally. You are all very special and amazing. I hold all of you dear to my heart.
Goodbye for now, honeybees! Til my next update.