[Jeongin pov]
I waited for everyone to leave before stepping into the locker room showers. The water was icy as first and it made it uncomfortable to stand it. But as it warmed up my body relaxed. I let the water rinse the sweat from my hair and the dirt from my body as I opened my spare soap bottles that I had in my locker.
I wanted to drag this out as long as I could. Knowing exactly what was going to happen once I leave the safety of the locker room. I massaged the shampoo into my hair, my brain deciding to remind me that i needed to get it trimmed. I washed all parts of me that felt dirty.
"Jeongin? You in here?" I heard Kai's voice echo and I almost yelped.
"Yea! Give me a minute, please for the love god stay wherever you are!"
"What do you.." He appeared around the corner eyes widened and he spun around quickly from embarassment. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry."
"Did you not hear the shower?"
"No! God, I'm sorry. You were just taking so long, I thought you were trying to avoid me-" he was covering his face. I reached for the towel and wrapped it around me.
"It's okay, Hyuka. Just wait in the gym for me while I change." The boy practically sprinted for the door. I couldn't blame him, I would to if I walked in in somebody showering. Even if it was Felix or Hyunjin. Being seen in the shower is a whole different form of vulnerable, it's why I wait for everyone to leave before showering after Gym class.
I pulled in the spare pair of jeans and sweater in my bag. I massaged my wet hair with the towel and shook it out before discarding it into the locker room hamper.
I exited the locker room and headed upstairs to the gym. Kai was sitting in the bleachers, elbows in his knees, head dipped between his shoulders until he heard my footsteps. I climbed up to sit beside him, placing my back pack between my knees.
"So." I said.
"Hold on, I just want to say I'm sorry again for-" he started and I hushed him.
"Hyuka, I said it was fine."
He nodded. "Why do you still call me that?"
"What?"
"You still call me Hyuka." He looked down at his feet.
"Because it's the only thing I've ever really called you." I shrugged, not knowing where to advertise my gaze so I settled on mapping the lines of the gym floor with my eyes. "What did you need to talk about?"
"How we ended." He said it quickly, as if he was emotionally prepared for this conversation. I don't think either of us ever could be.
"Right.."
"I just... want to know why." I could feel him looking at me, so I closed my eyes out of fear that I might instinctively look back.
"That's an answer I can't give you, Hyuka. I just.. it wasn't a good time period for me I guess."
"Jeongin. You never had a good time frame, you made excuses on why you couldn't be around me, you wouldn't talk to me. You even had your mother tell me to leave instead of having to face me. What did I do that was so wrong?" His voice cracked and I broke, my eyes landed on him and the look on his face. I shouldn't have looked, because I wanted to cry.
"Oh god.." I laid my head in my hands, slumping my shoulders.
"You wouldn't even let me be there for you when Jaemi..." he stopped himself mid sentence. "You avoided me for months.. by the fourth month I honestly just assumed where were done."
"It's not what you did Kai, it's what I did. And I couldn't bare you knowing, or even thinking that there was a possibility you'd be disappointed in me afterwards." I held my wrist tightly.
"What-"
"It was dark time for me, Huening Kai. I couldn't move on from my brother's death the way everyone else was. They all seemed to move on so easy.. because 'he was in a better place now.' I just couldn't. But I had to pretend for my family, So I-" I lifted up the sleeves of my sweater, holding them out to him. The scars were barely noticeable unless you were really looking. "So I found a different way to mourn."
"Oh my god.. Innie.." His hand gently caressed my wrist and then he pulled me into a hug. "I wouldn't have been disappointed.. I wish you would've known that." He kissed the top of my head and I sank further into him, I had forgotten how warm his embrace always was.
"It wasn't you, Hyuka. It was me. And I know how cliche that sounds but god, i was fucked up.. and I didn't want to drag you into that darkness, so I pushed you away. I guess I pushed too hard."
I felt him nod, he was rubbing my back as I rambled on about the whole thing. He just let me speak, no interruptions and no judgement. Why the hell was I so scared then to tell him.
"Innie.. do you still.."
"No. My coping mechanism is music now. When my mood flares up, I just put on the headphones and try to relax."
He nodded, trying to figure out what else to say. His thumb was still gently rubbing circles on my wrist as he stared at the faded scars. It almost seemed that knowing the reason why broke him more than not knowing at all. There were tears welling up in his eyes and yet he wasn't letting them fall.
"I'm sorry, Kai.."
"Don't apologize, please. I just wish I'd have known.. or just tried harder, you know. Maybe I could've helped you."
"I think that's why I pushed you away. Deep down I knew you've would've tried to help me, or make me see someone.. but I didn't want to be helped. I just wanted.."
"Wanted what?"
"I wanted to feel pain.. sometimes.. I wanted death. Though I never attempted because I knew that losing another son would destroy my parents, I couldn't help but wonder if dying would've been better than suffering." This time, I was the one tearing up. A tear slipped from my eye and slowly travelled down my cheek. He saw and reached up to wipe it away.
"I'm sorry I put you through that, Hyuka. I really am." I apologized and he shook his head.
"No. I'm sorry you had to go through that alone."
"It was my choice."
"I could've tried harder."
"Stop trying to take the blame for something I did! God, you're too selfless." I said leaning away from him, but he didn't let go of my wrist.
"Would you rather me be selfish right now?" He said, dipping his head a little to try and make eye contact with me.
"Honestly yea." I said, locking eyes with him. I hadn't realized what he truly meant until it was too late.
His hand caressed my cheek and his forehead leaned against mine. I noticed his jaw flexed, as he closed his eyes. Trying to work up the courage to his next action.
"What- what are you doing?"
"Being selfish, Innie. Like you want me to be." His nose gently rubbed against mine and all was forgotten as he leaned in completely. Lips on lips. Just a soft touch. Like a feather landing on puddle. I should've pulled away, but I didn't instead I let him be the first to pull away.
"Was that too selfish?" He asked and I couldn't find words.
"I- maybe.." and then it clicked in my head. "We can't do that again."
I turned away from him slightly and his hand went to his mouth. "Oh god, you have a boyfriend."
I could hear the guilt in his voice. "No! Wait- yes! I- I don't know. We aren't official..."
"So you're just talking?" He said, brows furrowed.
"Yea. I suppose so." I hugged my upper body.
"God, I am too... Jesus how could I.." he turned to me again, "I'm sorry. Maybe that was too selfish.. I don't.."
"Hey." I placed my hand on his jaw and moved my thumb back and forth over his jaw bone. "It's okay. We just.. we can't do this Hyuka. We can't fall back on each other.. cause whether or not I'm fine now, we may never be fine again."
"I know." He nodded, moving my hand from his face. "The person you're unofficial with, was it the guy from earlier. Hyunjin, was that his name?"
"Yea. That's him."
"He seemed like a real charmer." He nervously chuckled. "I could tell he didn't like me talking to you."
"That's just Hyunjin. A girl could talk to me and he'd hate them, or a stranger for that matter."
"Do you love him?"
"I don't know. There are times where I think I do.. and times when I don't think I'm ready to say it yet." I shrugged. "But I think he understands that, because he hasn't asked me about it or even tried to force it out of me. Then again he hasn't said himself yet either."
"He might be waiting for you." Hyuka said, there was a smile as he said it. "Speaking of, will he be wondering where you are?"
"Oh god, shit, yes." I said standing up quickly. "Umm, i have to go. But see you in class tomorrow?"
"Yea, of course." He said, standing with me. I was about to walk away but I turned back.
"Friends right?" I asked and he smiled.
"Friends." He shoved his hands in his pockets.
"Then sit with us at lunch tomorrow." I said, and he pondered the idea before agreeing. With that as our ending conversation, I jigged out of the gym doors that led outside.
My face stung the whole way home because of the cold, and I was running faster than I did in gym.
I halted in my steps as I reached the porch, I wanted to rub my eyes in case I was going crazy.
"Jisung?" I said. The older boy turned around in shock as I said his name.
"I- Jeongin. It's not what.."
"What are you doing here?"
"I uhm... I wanted to talk to you guys.." He was suddenly very shy, not the typical Jisung you'd see in the school halls.
"About?"
"What I did.. to you and Hyunjin. Hyunjin mostly.. I fucked up the most with him."
"And you think hovering outside our front door is the way to do that?"
"No.. I just, I was planning on how I was going to say and then when I got here, I think my brain made me forget how to knock."
I couldn't help but laugh. "Okay, okay. I'll let you in, come on."
"Can I apologize first?"
"Go ahead." I said as I brushed past him, reaching for the door handle, I didn't open it yet though. I waited for him to speak.
"I'm sorry, about what happened that night. After the game. I should've known better.. you were in a vulnerable state.. and it wasn't funny or fair to do that. I realize that now, I think I did them too. I was just too stubborn to admit I was wrong."
"I never held a grudge against you, Jisung. Though, yes, what you did was wrong. We were all under the influence and people do incredibly stupid and fucked up shit when drunk."
"Still though, I could've behaved better. I'm sorry."
"You're forgiven. By me, at least. Though I can't say that it will go the same way with Hyunjin. And you should probably pray Felix isn't here." I said, opening the door.
San appeared from the living room. "Finally you're home, who is... what are you doing here?" There was salt lacing his voice and I held my hand up.
"He comes in peace. He needs to talk to Hyunjin. Where is he?"
"Upstairs with Felix." He was still gearing daggers.
I mentally sighed. Oh dear. I turned to Jisung, who seemed extremely anxious.
"Come on." I placed a hand on his shoulder as I lead him up the stairs, his eyes were down the entire time. "Wait here for a second okay?"
He nodded as I entered Hyunjin's room. Felix and him were laying on the bed, their body's leaning backwards over the edge and they hung upside down. I smiled at the scene.
"Hey! Where have you been?" Hyunjin said, using a lot of effort to pull himself up, then he helped Felix.
"I was catching up with Kai. I didn't mean to take so long... but uhm, Jinnie you have a visitor."
"Who?" I opened the door, and gestured Jisung to come in. The second he was revealed to the two of them, the air became thick with silence.
"Why the fuck is he here, Jeongin?" Felix cursed and I glared at him, cause his tone made Jisung jump slightly.
"I think it's best if you and I wait in the hall, Felix." I grabbed ahold of the blonde and yanked him with me.
"You're seriously gonna leave him in there with Jisung?"
"Yes! Because the boy wants to fucking right his wrongs! You shooting daggers at him with your eyes wasn't fucking helping!" I whispered yelled at him as I shoved him into my room.
"Right his wrongs my ass."
"Felix, knock it off."
"Jisung wont fucking change, his apologies are pointless."
"Felix. How can you claim that you're changing if you refuse to believe someone else can?" He fell silent. "Anyone is capable of change as long as people believe they can. I believe in you, and I believe in him."
"How are you so sure?"
"It's called faith, Lixie."
He smiled at me and wrapped arms around my waist, tackling me to the bed. "You're something else you know that?"
He snuggled into me and I laughed at his clingy behavior.
"I know."
"How do you think it's going in there?"
"Let's hope it going well."
As much as I know Hyunjin dislikes the boy, he has a forgiving heart. Whether he shows it or not. I don't even think he's truly capable of hate either because despite what he learned over break, he doesn't hate his mother.
"So, how was catching up with Kai?" He asked, prying for an answer.
"It was okay."
"Just okay?"
"Yea, I mean how else is catching up with an old friend supposed to feel?"
"I don't know Innie.
It looked like he was more than just 'an old friend.'"
——
[A/N]
I have no shame in what I've done in this chapter. And I have no shame in what I will do in future chapters. I hope you enjoyed this!
Im in pain at the moment, but sadly my friends won't let me yeet myself out the window. 😒
Anyway! I love you guys! Hope you are all doing well and staying hydrated. Take care of yourselves!
Til my next update Honeybees!