Revenge #38: Loneliest
No one is talking to me at school. Ni walang kumakaway o ngumingiti sa akin. Ni hindi man lang ako tinapunan ng tingin ni Jewel. She just walked past through me as if I don't exist then she went sitting on her assigned seat.
Si Fred na palagi akong binabati at nginingitian tuwing umaga kahit na magkaaway pa kami noon ni Jana ay hindi man lang ako nilingon.
I don't know what's happening around me but I felt like I'm unwanted. I felt like no one needs me and I don't belong here anymore. Like they can move on with their lives without me. Like the world won't stop rotating even when I'm gone.
Hey. I'm at school already. Where are you?
I texted him for the nth time. I asked him why he didn't fetch me at home. Dahil nag-aalala ako na baka may kung anong mangyari sa kaniya kaya hindi siya nakarating. I texted him if he's okay. If something's wrong but I got nothing. Ni blank message ay wala akong natanggap mula sa kaniya.
I tried calling him for countless of times now but he is not answering. Since the day he started fetching me at home, ito ang unang beses na pumalya siya. I'm starting to think that he got into an accident or he fainted once again in the middle of driving. Hindi ako mapakali at kanina pa ako galaw ng galaw dito sa upuan ko. My professor thought that someone put worms in my seat because my butt won't stay still.
"Did you see Miguel, J?" I asked Jana as she handed me the handouts for Entrep but she just walked right past me.
Nagpatuloy siya sa pamimigay ng papel habang nakikipagbiruan sa isa naming kaklase. Para akong isang hangin na dinaanan niya lang.
"Jana!" I called once again as she went to her sit.
For the second time, she ignored me. Umupo siya at kinausap si Ana na parang walang nangyari.
I sighed as I focused my mind for today's lesson. I have no idea what's wrong, why everybody's neglecting me as if a certain Snow Agatha Vasquez is not yet born.
I fixed my things slowly after the bell rang indicating that it's lunch time already. Baka kasi na-late lang ng gising si Migs kanina kaya hindi niya ako nasundo. Baka nga hindi na siya nakakain ng agahan dahil sa pagmamadali niya. Dahil doon, he forgot to bring his phone that's why he wasn't answering my calls and texts. Mamaya lang paglabas ko, makikita ko siyang nakasandal sa railings, naghihintay sa akin at nakangisi.
He'll ask where I want to eat for lunch or what will we do after school. It's either we'll hang out in the mall or we'll chill on my place. Or his place.
Nilagay ko ang strap ng bag ko sa balikat at naglakad na patungo sa pinto.
As I reached the door, my eyes wondered around the hall way.
I was searching for the guy with slanted jet black eyes and messy hair. Even though this place is packed with bunch of people, I will still see him. He simply stands out not by just his height but also his attractiveness.
He was like a walking magnet. Attracting every steel within his radius.
Pero wala akong Miguel na nakita. Walang Miguel na nag-aabang sa labas ng classroom ko gaya ng gawain niya nitong nakalipas na buwan.
Today is the first day of school since Christmas vacation and he wasn't here.
Nakabusangot akong naglakad pababa at papunta sa cafeteria. I'll guess I'll be eating with myself once again. Like I used to when I wasn't with Miguel and I don't have any idea that he actually exist.
I ordered a plate of vegetable salad and pineapple juice. I was half expecting that Jana, Jewel or Fred would raise their hand and motion me to sit with them but I saw nothing.
They were so engrossed with themselves that they didn't even notice my presence.
Umupo ako sa pangdalawahang upuan at kumain.
The world is a shade of black and white. My mood too.
Sumusubo ako ng lettuce ng patingin ako sa labas. The cafeteria's wall was covered with glass so I can see pass through.
I was right that he is a walking magnet because he attract my eyes. Because right now, I am seeing him.
I was shocked to see him with his Engineering friends! He was holding a bunch of red roses covered with plastic and he was laughing and grinning at the same time.
Uminit bigla ang ulo ko kaya napatayo ako. If I can only scream through the glass, I would do it.
I walked as fast as I can towards the door. My head is clouded with rage and my eyes blinded with fury.
Nandito pala siya pero hindi man lang ako pinuntahan sa klase. If he's busy with some other girl, I don't care. As long as he tells me that he won't fetch me or he won't join me for lunch so I wouldn't wait and I wouldn't get my hopes up! Para akong tangang nag-aalala sa kaniya na baka naaksidente siya o nahimatay kaya hindi siya nakarating. Tapos ngayon makikita ko siyang nakikipagtawanan sa mga kaibigan niya habang ako ay lugmok at kumakain mag-isa?
To hell with that!
My cheeks went hot not because of blushing but because of anger. I want to punch him straight into his face because of being a jerk.
Mabilis akong naglakad patungong gilid ng cafeteria. Gusto kong banggain iyong mga nakakasalubong ko sa sobrang inis ko.
But then when I arrived at the same spot, he was nowhere to be seen.
I walked further and I ended up at the parking lot and still, he wasn't there. Sigurado akong siya iyon. He was wearing his favorite white shirt and the word chill printed bold on it. Hindi ako pwedeng magkamali.
I muttered endless of curses as I walked back towards our building. Leche lang dahil late na ko sa klase ko at dahil iyon sa paghahanap ko sa gagong 'yun.
I thought he changed. But I am wrong. He was so good in flirting with others, so good that you wouldn't realize that he already dropped you like a hot potato. And when you aren't looking, he will jump to some other chick and give her a bunch of red roses as an introduction.
How fucking sweet.
I kept on stabbing my yellow pad as the professor in front of me continued lecturing nonsense. I can't understand what she's saying because my thoughts went to Miguel The Great Asshole and his whereabouts.
Nabwibwisit ako. Hindi ko maalis sa utak kung sino kayang babaeng pagbibigyan niya ng lintek na bulaklak na 'yan.
If it's Jana, I'm going to kill her.
Pinunit ko ang papel at ginusot ito! Ugh! I want to crumple Miguel's face too.
I was so mad as I type a text for Kuya Ver. Hindi ako magpapasundo dahil may kailangan akong gawin at dahil kunwaring ihahatid ako ni Miguel sa bahay tulad ng dati.
Ilang beses kong kinalma ang sarili ko habang naglalakad patungong College of Engineering Building.
Nanginginig ang kamay ko at mabilis ang takbo ng puso ko. I am beyond irate and punching him would ease this feeling. I hope so.
Umakyat ako ng hagdan habang pinaplano sa utak ko kung ano ang sasabihin o gagawin ko sa kaniya.
Should I slap him and asked who are those flowers for?
Should I slap him and tell him he's a sleazebag?
Or should I slap him and walk away?
I stood outside their classroom and wait. Nang sumilip ako ay may professor pa sa loob na nagtuturo.
I controlled my breathing. Iniisip ko kung bakit nga ba ako nandito? Bakit ko ba
siya pupuntahan at sasampalin? What's the point?
Kung nagsawa na siya sa pagsunod sa akin, anong pakialam ko? Kung sawa na siya sa pagmumukha ko na halos araw-araw niyang nakikita, anong magagawa ko? Kung sawa na siyang kasama ako, anong gagawin ko?
This whole thing is pointless. My wrath is useless.
Kung sawa na siya sa presensiya ko at napag-isipan niyang maghanap ng iba, wala na akong magagawa. Ano ba kami?
We were just two people with so much drama in life. We were so close but not lovers. I don't have any rights in questioning him about everything and monitoring every move he make.
Nangyari lang na nagkakilala kami dahil galit ako sa kaniya. Sinaktan ko siya tapos naaksidente siya. Nang bumalik siya, nawalan siya ng memorya at boom, we were inseparated.
The world is twisted and it has its ways in turning itself upside down. One moment I am mad at him, the next moment I am fond of him.
Magkakakilala lang kami at wala nang hihigit pa don.
Wala akong karapatang sugurin at sampalin siya just because I saw him holding some roses for someone and I assumed that he cheated.
WE. ARE. NOT. LOVERS.
We are not lovers today, and we won't be sooner or later. I don't have any fucking rights as well as he doesn't have when it comes to me.
He came freely in my life and he is free to leave so.
I held myself as I went downstairs. I felt like the world has drained my energy and I can't barely move. It was funny that I felt like crying.
I wanted to hug my knees and sob in the corner as the world turned its back against me.
Pinilit kong maglakad. Pinilit kong itaas ang kamay ko para pumara ng taxi.
I uttered The Mist's address so I can drink as many alcohol as I can and as long as I can.
After all, all I have is myself.
The bar's enchanting lights said their hellos to me. Alas-sais pa lang kaya mangilan-ngilan lang ang tao.
I grabbed a stool and smiled at Jake, the bartender.
"Long time no see, Snow." Wika niya habang naghahalo ng isang inumin.
Inabot niya iyon sa umorder at humarap muli sa akin.
He leaned and whispered, "Bakit hindi na kayo tumutogtog?"
Ngumisi lang ako. "Busy eh. We'll play next time." I answered and pointed a bottle of alcohol at his back.
Sinundan niya ang kamay ko. "Sorry but it's for display." He said. "Just prefer for today's cocktail, Snow. After all, you're a minor."
Umiling-iling ako. "I am not. Or do you want me to ring Tita Dianna first before you give me that thing?"
He cocked his brow and he went to get the bottle from the shelf.
Inilapag niya iyon sa harap ko at nakita kong Absolut Vodka ang pangalan.
He poured it into a glass with three ice cubes. He put a syrup there of who knows what and lime. Then he handed it to me.
"Suit yourself." He said amidst the loud music.
Inikot-ikot ko ang baso. When it moistened indicating it's cold, I drink it straight.
May gumihit na mainit sa lalamunan ko.
Jake made me another. Then another one until I lost count of how many liquors he made for me. I was so busy drowning myself with so many alcohol I can't think straight.
My vision's blurred. Nakayuko na ako at nakapatong ang braso sa lamesa. I am so drunk.
Mas mabuti na 'to kaysa magmukmok ako sa bahay at umiyak. In here, I can perfectly wallow myself in pity.
Bakit ko ba naisip na may pakialam sa akin si Miguel? He didn't say anything about it. Girls can really become assuming at times. We often think that someone likes us but it's all in our head. I don't know now what's scarier. This world or my mind?
I clutched the glass as I hugged myself. Today, has been the loneliest January 6 of all Janaury 6 in my whole life. Today, is the loneliest Monday I have ever experienced.
I am alone. No one fucking cares about me. I even push my cousins away. I defended Miguel for Pete's sake but then he ended up leaving me after all. I thought he'll never leave my side. I thought he atleast like me, even a bit to stay.
I pushed my body to stand up. My legs went weak as it touched the ground. My mind clouded with dizziness. I forced my feet to walk to the bathroom because I felt like puking.
Inilapag ko ang baso sa sink at tumingin sa itsura ko.
My hair's tangled, my cheeks a shade of pink, my eyes bloody and sad. So sad that I saw a fat drop of tears rolling down. I sob as I stared at myself. I cried as I look at my reflection.
Kinuha ko ang cellphone mula sa front pocket ng jeans ko ng maramdaman kong nagvibrate ito.
I wiped my eyes as I scrutinized the name written in the Caller ID.
Miguel Patrick Robles calling.. it says.
I took a sharp intake of air as I pressed the green button.
"Where are you?" He said from other line. His voice was deep, cold.
Ngumiti ako para sa sarili ko at tumikhim. "Celebrating of course!" I said cheekily. "Don't you know it's my birthday? I can't find anyone who cares about me rather than my own self so I ended up partying with me!" I raised my pitch to pretend I'm so damn happy. So damn.
"Where are you exactly?" Ramdam ko ang inis sa boses niya at gusto ko siyang singhalan.
Na saan ako? Hindi ba ang tanong dapat eh na saan ka? Asan ka ngayong pakiramdam ko ay walang-wala ako? Asan ka ngayong nag-iisa ako? Asan ka ngayong naiisip kong tinalikuran ako ng mundo?
"Secret." Sagot ko. Tumawa pa ako ng malakas. I gulped the drink and laughed again. "Can you atleast sing me a Happy Birthday song before you hang up?" I plead.
"Are you drunk? Na saan ka ba?"
"Sing, Miguel! Or you can join me singing." I cleared my throat. "Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me.. happy birthday, happy birthday.." Humina ang boses ko.
I laughed a little as I felt another batch of tears coming from my eyes. Damn it.
"Happy birthday.." I swallowed the lump inside my throat. "..to me." I choked.
Tuluyan na akong humagulgol. Nilapag ko ang cellphone ko sa sink at pinatay ang tawag.
I beg for the sink to atleast hold me, to atleast hug me. To atleast be there for me when no one else was willing to stand by my side. When no one was brave enough to pat my back and tell me everything's going to be okay. I hope that the sink would atleast soothe my pain, hugged me till I'm numb. Till I'm no longer crying. I wish the sink would atleast understand what I'm feeling. To atleast hold my hand as cry myself out. I sincerely want the sink to pick the broken pieces of my heart and glued them back together inside my body.
I hope the sink's a person. And I hope it will wish me a Happy Birthday.
Today is the day I turned 18. I am an adult now and not even a single human around wish me a happy birthday. Not even a single soul greeted me.
Wala akong text na natanggap mula sa mga pinsan ko, kamag-anak at sarili kong pamilya. Ni hindi yata naalala ng mga kasama ko sa bahay na kaarawan ko at ni isa sa eskuwelahan ay walang may alam na birthday ko. How sad, right?
I don't know how did I manage to hail a taxi and went home. I found myself at exactly 11 in the evening, standing outside our gate with my school bag.
I ring the doorbell twice and I was surprised to see Kuya Ver.
Nagulat rin siya ng makita ako kaya inalalayaan niya ako agad.
The good thing is that he didn't ask anything. Sinenyasan ko siyang huwag na niya akong alalayan kaya hinayaan niya akong maglakad patungo sa front door. The whole house was dark and quiet. My parents aren't home yet so I'll expect Nanay Delia and others to take care of me but since it's late, I guess they're already asleep.
Matutulog na naman ako nitong mag-isa at umiiyak. I wonder if Papa left his alcohol shelf open so I can sneak one and drink.
I turned the knob and darkness greeted me. I struggled as I search for the light. Kinapa ko ang pader para hanapin ang switch at nang mabuksan ko ito ay nakakabinging sigaw ang bumungad sa akin.
"Surprise!" They said and unison and something popped.
I am blinded for a moment because of the confetti thrown at me.
Nang mahawi ko iyon ay nakita ko ang pamilya ko, ang mga pinsan ko, na nakangiti sa akin.
They started singing Happy Birthday and I can't even move. I can't breathe. My heart is palpitating and bursting at the same time.
I am crying once again. Not because of sadness but because of so much happiness I didn't expect I'll have today.
When the song ended, Miguel appeared holding a bunch of red roses and cake on the other.
My heart is ripping its way out of my rib cage. I felt a whole team of butterflies roaming around my stomach, wanting to get out too.
He was smiling as he handed me the flowers. "Happy Birthday, Miss." He said.
Itinapat niya sa akin ang cake at ngumiti. "Now close your eyes, make a wish and blow your cake."
I closed my eyes as I felt hot tears rolling down my cheeks.
I wish everyone in my life to stay. Even for a while.
I opened my eyes and he is the first person I saw.
I smiled back and blew the candle.